To be annoyed at friend “remembering “ everything

[Bellavida99]

I know I’m being completely unreasonable but my friend must keep an amazing diary of all birthdays , significant dates etc. I remember her birthday, her kids birthday and sometimes her wedding anniversary which I think is a normal level for a good friend. But she messaged me on the anniversary of my mother’s funeral, on my sisters birthday who she’s met once, and some dates I didn’t know myself like my work anniversary. I now picture her writing down everything I ever mention and adding it to her diary. It’s strange as instead of making me think she’s caring and thoughtful I think she’s a bit odd and it’s a bit much so end up just messaging back something half hearted. Am I being a bitch?

I guess dates are important to some people.

I expect she puts it in her phone and sets a yearly reminder. So she’s not truly remembering, just using tech?

She might have the kind of brain that can do this - my ex boss had the memory of an elephant when it came to things like dates, number plates, and the like.

Bless her. I’ve said YABU as regardless of whether she jots things down to recall them or has a weirdly exact memory for dates- the fact is that she’s doing it to try to be thoughtful and show you she cares. Is she “odd” in any other ways? I’m wondering if it’s something she has learnt to do to “show she cares” and is taking it a little further than is comfortable for others… and could perhaps have a little bit of a social impairment herself? (But I’m scared to annoy the MNers who say everyone always suggests autism too readily on MN). But it does sound a little to me like a learnt behaviour to indicate an emotional warmth… that’s feeling odd to the receiver as it’s taken too far…

So why does it annoy you? Do you find it invasive?

This. I wouldn't remember the birthdays etc on my own, I need a phone reminder. If I didn't have a phone, I would note things on a paper calendar.

I even make notes of people's children and relatives ( if I don't know them well). There's nothing wrong with doing this, it makes conversation easier.

When the royals go on their charitable visits, they are extensively coached on who they are going to meet, so that they can make some meaningful conversation.

Some dates just stick in my head, especially if they cluster with other dates. And some things I do put in my calendar (not other people's work anniversaries though!)

You don't need a "whole-hearted" response to trivial ones - cheers or thanks for remembering is fine.

I'm like that. I can remember full numberplates from vehicles belonging to other people, dates etc. She's not trying to annoy you obviously.

DH works with someone like this. She just seems to have an incredible memory for dates and names. I've been in her quiz team and this definitely translates into other things too. I don't think she records dates in a calendar - she just stores them in her brain.

Some people just have a really good memory for dates.

Maybe your sister's birthday is the same day as her cousin, maybe you started your job on an anniversary of her own. Maybe she took a photo on one of your significant dates that Facebook reminds her of, and she associates the two.

some people simply remember things

Yep- my best friend is like this- she knows what day & time my kids were born, and at what weight (we weren’t even friends then, it was mentioned once in a conversation and she remembered).

In medical appointments I’ve been known to ring her when they ask when my last period was- she always remembers!

Basically if you tell her anything date/number related she will remember without trying.

Funnily enough she is rubbish at actual maths- so if you went through her wardrobe she could tell you how much each item cost but if you asked her how much this whole outfit cost she wouldn’t be able to add it up!

My daughter is like this, she just has a head for dates. She's not remembering them for a purpose, shes 15 so has no interest in sending a card to my cousin's kids etc, dates just lodge themselves in her head.

I can ask her, what dates were we on holiday in 2019 and she'll be able to just dredge it up from somewhere. Might not remember where we went, but she'll sure as hell remember when!

DP has a friend who just remembers the minutia of everyone else's lives. I might not see her for two years, but she'll have remembered that last time I saw her I was job hunting, that my Mum had just started a new treatment for her cancer, that a friend of mine was getting divorced, all while I'm still trying to remember her kids names.

I, on the other hand, still have the numbers from Lost lodged in my head, can tell you the 5 things I've previously seen this actor in, and where to find all the secrets in a computer game I've not played for 20 years. It's a significantly less useful skill!

Very odd behaviour.
The messaging you about inconsequential dates like this is overbearing and intrusive.

Your sisters birthday? Work anniversary what is a work anniversary

I knew someone from work like this and she would "remember" things about people and mention them in a smirky, intrusive way.
Just odd, unboundaried behaviour.

I have a friend who is exactly like this and I find it a bit much as well - she is a lovely a kind person but can also be a bit passive aggressive about some things so I always end up wondering if I have somehow offended her if I don’t do the same?

Ps I think people are missing the point.
Remembering things is fine.

It's the need to remind people that's odd, just why?
It's a bit controlling tbh.
I'm messaging you on the date of your mother's funeral as you must be sad .

I can't remember the date of my MIL funeral and sometimes I only remember her date of death a few days later, I loved her very much
Likewise the sisters birthday

I'm like that. I would remind my friend about his great niece's and nephew's birthdays. Also good at remembering number plates and radon people I met years ago. None of it is written down.

Ok so she might have an elephantine memory, but why is she mentioning these days? Does she think you'll forget your sister's birthday if she doesn't remind you? Is she trying to impress you with how much she cares?
I'd find it creepy and annoying!

I would find it intrusive too. It's just too much. Whether she has remembered with or without tech. As @Highlandsprocker puts it - unboundaried behaviour.

If I notice the date when it hits the anniversary of one of my parents death or their birthday I have a moment of quiet reflection but that is it. I would absolutely hate someone to message (certainly beyond the first year) or mention it to me. Just typing this I've realised that I 'missed' my dad's death anniversary - even though I did register the date on that day, I didn't register the significance until now.

I've got a few couple's anniversaries in my birthday app - but only so I know when it is their 1st, 10th, 25th, 40th and so on, and even this is only with very close friends and family. On a 'normal' anniversary I don't send a card or even mention it.

I do this (remembering dates) and it does freak people out sometimes.

I'd only remember birthdays and medical stuff though. I was at doc A&E recently and he asked when I last saw GP and I crossly said 20 August. Only cross because I wasn't expecting to be asked.

I have a couple of friends like this who I have been friends with since aged 15 ( we are 55 now ! ). One has an excellent memory for anything remotely embarrassing anyone in our group has done and loves to bring things up 30+ years later, usually things/ embarrassing moments you just want to forget. Another is highly irritating reeling off exact figures / football game results/ winners of strictly/ masked singer from years ago, the exact song that was sung or danced to.

She’s very thoughtful.

YABVU

She’s obviously not doing it to be nasty, so why would you be offended over it.

All you have to do is say thanks. That’s it.

She may be writing it down, as she thinks that’s what a good friend does.
Or she may have a great memory for dates, like some people do.

I am awful with numbers and dates but I can tell you the name and breed of every single pet any of my friends of family have ever had.

I work with autistic kids and some of them have the most incredible brains.

You can name any film and they’ll tell you every single actors name and DOB and if they’ve died their DOD and how they died.

There are some that you can say a specific date and they can tell you a fact about that date.

One knows every single thing about the royal family, going back centuries and remember every single DOB, DOD, how they died, what date they got married or became queen etc.

Several of them will know that it’s one of our birthdays or my dogs birthday or my dogs death anniversary etc without being reminded.
Some things we just mention in passing and they can memorise it.

It truly is amazing (I just have to watch what I say knowing they’ll remember it forever lol).

I was taken back a bit when one boy said it’s your cat X’s birthday today, he’s 15 today - I was like WTH and asked how he knew it and apparently the year before someone asked if I had a cat and how old and I said I have a cat called X and he’ll be 14 in 2 days.
I didn’t even realise this boy was in the room.

I can see this from both sides. I agree with posters saying the friend is being (or trying to be!) thoughtful. However, I had a friend who messaged me on significant (sad) dates and I actually found it upsetting as I hadn't really been paying attention to it being the anniversary of a particular event in my life, more generally reeling- so the focus was unwelcome. However, I know my friend may have thought I could feel sad and isolated if no one remembered the event. It's a tricky one!

My ex could remember everything on any specific date you gave him. Pluck a date and he’d recall it like he was reading a book. It was really unsettling, but impressive.
I think it’s just how your brain works. Some people can remember so many dates/numbers/events than others.