To be annoyed at friend “remembering “ everything

[Bellavida99]

I know I’m being completely unreasonable but my friend must keep an amazing diary of all birthdays , significant dates etc. I remember her birthday, her kids birthday and sometimes her wedding anniversary which I think is a normal level for a good friend. But she messaged me on the anniversary of my mother’s funeral, on my sisters birthday who she’s met once, and some dates I didn’t know myself like my work anniversary. I now picture her writing down everything I ever mention and adding it to her diary. It’s strange as instead of making me think she’s caring and thoughtful I think she’s a bit odd and it’s a bit much so end up just messaging back something half hearted. Am I being a bitch?

I'll have her as a friend. How ungrateful to refer to her messaging on your the anniversary of your mum's funeral in a post complaining about her!

If she forgot, you'd be posting about that 🤷🏻‍♀️ in a very selfish world having a friend like that would be a blessing. Some people are more sentimental and appreciate small things like that. Its obviously a bit wasted on you because ive personally never heard of a friend who is 'too thoughtful'.

Oh give over.
Op can feel how she likes, it's making her uncomfortable .

One message fine but work anniversaries,sisters birthday ?
It's OTT
What do you even say " Congratulations you have been working at shitjobsUK for a whole year now"
" Congrats it's your sisters birthday "🙄

I'm like that. I can forget the time of my hair cut but I have very specific memories of particular dates/happenings and often I can tell roughly when something happened because I remember what I was wearing.

I always find an excuse to message my mother in law on the anniversary of fil's death -so that she knows I'm thinking about her.

I think there is a difference between remembering stuff (which just cant be helped- if you have a good memory, then you have a good memory) and transmitting that info to others.

I remember a lot of useless info, I dont do it on purpose, it just stays in my brain. That said, what I dont do is text everyone the moment I remember something because I recognise that would be annoying.

Remembering a death anniversary and checking in on the person is actually a lovely thing to do and I appreciate it when friends do that for me. But texting about the birthday of someone she met once is just weird. This is where social cues come in- just because you remember something, doesnt then mean you need to tell all and sundry about it otherwise, where does it end? you'd be texting people every damn week about some event that happened 5 years ago or whatever.

This has made me think...

I am one of these people! Dates are important to me and I note down things like that - although I won't go so far as to note work anniversaries!

I do it because I don't have much time to commit to people atm due to uni, parenting, caring for an elderly relative and work full time. It's to show I care

I'd find this cloying.

One of my sons has a phenomenal memory for dates. He remembers everyone's birthday, he can tell me what we were doing on this date many years ago etc. He's autistic so that may explain why.

I am also autistic and can remember the most random facts about people, though I don't often mention it as it can sound stalkerish when I remember something people have said in passing, though that's come with age and experience. I spent a lot of time when I was younger being seen as weird for knowing things about people.

I wish my brain remembered more useful things, like how to do maths, or housework, and what events I and my kids have coming up!

Yeah you are. I'm autistic and do things like this. It comes naturally to me and I'm trying to be thoughtful. Just because you're feeling inadequate doesn't make her weird.

I said YANBU even though she probably means well

Ive got a good memory for these things but I don’t send people messages like this as I know it’s annoying and others find it a bit intense.

She can’t help it if she does remember but she lacks social awareness but always messaging you

Thanks everyone. To be honest I thought I was being horrible and ungrateful to feel like this, so I’m glad a lot of you understand how I feel. I think intrusive and uncomfortable describe it well. I feel like she wants to somehow get an emotional reaction from me in some way. Thinking about it she is the same when I see her almost asking difficult, journalistic interview questions about small things that don’t need a deep dive into. We’ve been friends for decades I feel sad that I want to withdraw from her a bit

I don’t think it’s odd that she has a memory for these things (if so she can’t help that) or even if she chooses to keep a diary to enable her to send messages on specific occasions.

It’s the occasion choice that’s intrusive.

A short note on the first anniversary of a parent’s death is OK from a close friend I think, though more the death than funeral I personally think. But I’d actually tell her that I found the sister birthday and work anniversary too much.

I’m all for a supportive message but this sounds like it’s an invasive reminder without empathy or consideration of what impact it might have on the recipient.

@Bellavida99 when your friend sends you a message about something you prefer not to remember or be reminded of, I would be tempted to reply, “thanks but I was trying to distract myself from thinking about it, to be honest”.

Or just tell them, please can you please not message me about the anniversaries that are related to bereavement? I try to carry on like it’s a normal day as a way of coping. I know that we all cope differently with grief and this is how I manage it.

Im like this. It wouldn't mean I was OBSESSED with you, it would just mean that when I firt heard your birthday or other detail, like house number, I connected it to overlap on a peg in my brain that was already etched well in. Like you tell me your birthday is the 3 April. I scare you by remembering that FOREVER, but it's nothing to do with you, it's because it's my cousin's birthday too. Ykwim?

It absolutely does make her weird. Highlighting the anniversary of a date that a friend started a job? Intrusive.
Mentioning a friend’s sibling’s birthday? Too much.
If you do this, I suggest you get someone to run through your list of “things” and highlight which are nice and which are over the top.
And saying people are “feeling inadequate” here is just rude. So if you’re into “trying to be thoughtful” - try harder!

I could do with someone like this in my life.

Following up with the comment that mostly I keep quite about the fact that I know your birthday and phone number off by heart I'm always trying not to come across weird even though i feel like the normal one and I feel like other people can react to such normal way sin a weird way. Comprende?

@WeeStyleIcon “Like you tell me your birthday is the 3 April. I scare you by remembering that FOREVER, but it's nothing to do with you, it's because it's my cousin's birthday too. Ykwim?”

But if you stuck my sister’s birthday on your peg because it was your man’s birthday too, or the day I started my last job because it was the house number of your American pen pal in 1986, would you then actually act on being unable to forget that - and message me?

Or she’s just autistic.

If OP is feeling uncomfortable then she needs to tell her.

It would be different if OP had said I don’t like talking about my dead mum and this friend constantly brought it up.

I know lots of autistic people who mention dates.
They’re not doing it to be dicks.

If I was uncomfortable with it then I would tell them so they stop, not continue letting them do it and get annoyed about it.

@WeeStyleIcon - crossed posted, you have confirmed already that yeah, you mostly keep quiet 🤣

You are not weird, you just have an incredible brain that the rest of us would love to have.

Unfortunately some people are just dicks who feel threatened by anyone different from them.

And instead of having the guts to just tell their friend that they’re making them feel uncomfortable, they moan about them on MN and then withdraw from the friendship.

I’m not uncomfortable because it’s not something I want to talk about, it’s hard to explain. For example on the anniversary of my mother’s death I might have a family lunch, or have some quiet reflection or chat about memories of her to my partner and children but I have nothing really to reply to her about this except thanks for remembering. I have no problem with it being mentioned but don’t feel she’s a part of this. Similarly with insignificant dates how on earth should i respond to a message saying “Can’t believe you’ve been at work.co for 4 years” so I just send a smile or something but literally have no reply

She has a superb memory, wish I had the same.

Jesus, why not just out right ask "how on EARTH do you remember that? That's amazing" or whatever. If people have eidetic memories it's not their fault is it.

It’s their fault if they choose to use that memory to send instrusive messages to others.