To be annoyed at friend “remembering “ everything

[Bellavida99]

I know I’m being completely unreasonable but my friend must keep an amazing diary of all birthdays , significant dates etc. I remember her birthday, her kids birthday and sometimes her wedding anniversary which I think is a normal level for a good friend. But she messaged me on the anniversary of my mother’s funeral, on my sisters birthday who she’s met once, and some dates I didn’t know myself like my work anniversary. I now picture her writing down everything I ever mention and adding it to her diary. It’s strange as instead of making me think she’s caring and thoughtful I think she’s a bit odd and it’s a bit much so end up just messaging back something half hearted. Am I being a bitch?

I have a friend like this. I like it but it does make me feel bloody awful sometimes because she remembers EVERYTHING about everyone and I sometimes forget her kids birthdays.

YANBU - sounds annoying and know it all-ish. Like the kid in class who always puts their hand up first.

I know exactly what you mean about the idea that she's trying to illicit some kind of emotional response from you, I know people like this. I just blank those kind of messages so they stop sending them which usually works.

I'd find this too much. It's not the "remembering" as clearly she doesn't remember. It's the odd need to tell you when key dates are for you. They are significant to you, not her- if like her to mind her own.

I have a lovely friend who can be a bit like this. She would text me on my nephew's birthday for example, when I'd be hard pushed to even say what age hers is. She ALWAYS remembers to ask about things I mentioned in previous conversations, like holidays or work meetings or ideas I'd had ("Did you ever find a lamp for the hall?"). I can be quite bad at remembering until something prompts me ("Oh yes of course, you hiked the Inca trail didn't you - how was it?"). And she writes the most thoughtful, complimentary messages in greetings cards, which does not come naturally to me at all.

Another poster mentioned differences in love languages and that resonated with me. These things sometimes make me slightly irritated because I suppose I feel like it's a contrived strategy she follows for 'being a good friend' that has the unintended consequence of making me look inadequate in comparison. However, she's a wonderful, valued friend and I love that she makes an effort to show that I mean the same to her.

On the other hand, I do occasionally set reminders in my phone so I can check in if a friend tells me they've got a big job interview or important medical appointment or sometimes baby's due dates. So maybe I'm just as bad!

Why on earth would you be nasty about someone doing or saying a nice thing for/to you?

Just because you don’t view the world in the same way, it doesn’t make you the better person and your friend or acquaintance a lesser person.

Sounds like many of you suffer from an inferiority complex but instead of acknowledging that, you prefer to belittle your friends. Not nice at all.

My Mum remembers absolutely everything. Even the smallest details about people she hasn't seen for years. Some people are just like that. I am not at all though!

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here.
Its quite disheartening reading this thread that instead of people appreciating someone caring about them, they turn it around and see it as the friend poking at them and showing them up.
Its a sign of social media rewiring peoples brains again.

As I said earlier on the thread, my brain works a bit like this. Can I explain a bit what it’s like?

I’ve always known I have a very good memory for detail. What I didn’t really realise until I was quite a way into adulthood was how “bad”, by my standards, an average memory is; how vague on detail some people can be. So while I completely get that it’s extreme that I can hear an old song on the radio and instantly remember buying the single (and where from!), to me it’s perfectly normal to know without thinking that I moved house on 11 November 2012. And while I can understand someone else only knowing they moved sometime in November 2012, I cannot fathom that there will be some people who only know it was some time before Christmas, and that they might not even remember the year. It’s utterly bizarre to me.

So when OP’s friend remembers things like this, she probably doesn’t think for a moment that she’s somehow “showing off” or making out she’s a better friend than the OP, as some people have suggested. It’s probably just normal for her.

Messaging about things like the OP’s sister’s birthday is a separate point in my view. I wouldn’t message about that even if I remembered, because I wouldn’t see it as particularly important. But I think there’s an important distinction between it being unusual that she remembered and being “weird” or some kind of power game.

Me too. My friends and family all definitely use me as their Filofax 🤣

I'd feel a bit uncomfortable if I knew anyone like that, to be honest.

I would hate this, it's too intrusive. Even if she knows the dates, she should have the common sense that nobody in their right mind would mention the birthday of someone they have met once.
As for reminding me of the date of the funeral of a loved one, I'd be furious. I try to focus on positives, and happy memories of people I've lost. I don't want to be reminded of the anniversary of their deaths or funerals! I'd certainly have to tell her to stop with that one.

I barely remember my own wedding anniversary, I have zero head space for anyone else's.

Your sisters birthday and workiversary are overkill but I guess it's harmless enough. An old school acquaintance used to do a daily name drop for everyone whose birthday it was. Even if she never spoke to them. It was odd. But she was odd.

Im like this with number plates too, people always think I’m weird when j know their number plate but they don’t lol.

But do you go around telling them this? Or just quietly acknowledge that you remember this stuff.

I wouldn't be annoyed just with her having a good memory for these things: people have all kinds of memories; e.g. I have a very good verbal memory and a terrible visual memory. Things like the work anniversary, I would just find amusing. However, I would find it a bit much to have someone reminding me of anniversaries of sad events, such as your mother's funeral -that is quite intrusive and potentially hurtful.

Yep - I'd find it weird too. I have a friend who is similar. She's very sweet and kind but it's all too much. It also makes me feel like a bad person because I don't know when her parents anniversary is...

the sisters birthday thing may make sense if you mentioned "i am off to see my sister next month" and she said "ah yes, its her birthday around then" - thats approriate for the conversation.

but not just texting it out of the blue.

It rarely comes up in conversation but I do refer to cars by their reg plates often yes and people are often clueless, it’s still a better way of pointing out a car than “that grey Ford over there”