To be annoyed at friend “remembering “ everything

[Bellavida99]

I know I’m being completely unreasonable but my friend must keep an amazing diary of all birthdays , significant dates etc. I remember her birthday, her kids birthday and sometimes her wedding anniversary which I think is a normal level for a good friend. But she messaged me on the anniversary of my mother’s funeral, on my sisters birthday who she’s met once, and some dates I didn’t know myself like my work anniversary. I now picture her writing down everything I ever mention and adding it to her diary. It’s strange as instead of making me think she’s caring and thoughtful I think she’s a bit odd and it’s a bit much so end up just messaging back something half hearted. Am I being a bitch?

I'm like your friend. I just have a really good brain for numbers and that includes dates. I wouldn't even need to write down the date of your mum's death. It would stay in my mind. It's nice to have a friend who remembers your important life events and thinks of you. Not many people are so thoughtful!

My mum’s like this - but she will also send a card to mark whatever occasion she thinks is significant 😂. Or celebrate anything minor you might mention. I think it’s sweet.

That makes no sense at all!
So you “just have” this skill, and that makes you thoughtful? Doesn’t it make you less thoughtful, as your “really good brain” means you don’t actually need to be thoughtful?

Surely the more thoughtful person is the one who says, “hey, I’m not great with dates, but I think it may have been around a year now since your mum died. I hope the anniversary - whether I’m too late or too early - isn’t / wasn’t too hard for you.” Then it’s about your friend actually caring - not just being able to churn out dates?

My very close friends and I often message, “hell, without Facebook I would have missed your birthday entirely!” because the ways that we are thoughtful and show that we are good friends are different.

I’d find that a bit suffocating, tbh.
It doesn’t really matter that she has “the sort of brain that remembers this stuff”, some of it really doesn’t need to be mentioned by her.

I expect she puts it in her phone and sets a yearly reminder. So she’s not truly remembering, just using tech?

I don't think the OP was saying she was definitely just remembering- she said maybe she was keeping a detailed diary. It doesn't really matter whether it's tech, pen and paper or memory though, does it?

I don't think remembering these things or keeping a note of them necessarily means someone is warmer or more thoughtful than anyone else. It just means they either have an unusually good memory for dates and events, or that they have an efficient system for keeping track of things. But keeping track of, and regularly mentioning, other people's personal landmarks or anniversaries that are family-only type things is a bit weird and intense imo.

Some of these replies are insane - intrusive, weird, emotional manipulation, controlling etc.
I can only imagine these people are drama llamas.

She’s obviously not doing it to be nasty.
If you don’t like it just say - dear friend, please stop messaging me on occasions like my mothers death anniversary, my birthday, my wedding anniversary or anything to do with my work as I find it intrusive and don’t like it.

She’ll probably be taken back a bit but at least she won’t do it again.

My husband remembers dates. I have to ask him when my grandparents died! He'll even tell me his primary school friends' birthdays even if he hasn't seen them for 40 years.

He can't remember which days the bins need to go out though!!

Yanbu I know someone like this and it really annoys me to. It comes across really obsessive.

Some of these replies are insane - intrusive, weird, emotional manipulation, controlling etc. I can only imagine these people are drama llamas.

I don't know... I think there is probably often a bit of a deep-rooted psychological reason why certain people do this. I doubt it's a sign of being controlling of others. More likely anxiety and a strong need to be in strict control of their own life by keeping track of what's going on around them in great detail. And maybe a bit of low self-esteem - manifested in the need to put excessive effort and work into relationships with everybody, to an unnecessary degree.

😂😂
That’s the thing, some people would absolutely love someone taking such an interest in their life and showing an interest.

There have been multiple threads about friends not acknowledging anniversaries and retirements etc.

She’s probably been told that this is a nice thing to do and doesn’t see anything wrong in it.
Especially, if she’s autistic and someone has told her that it’s a nice thing to do, she’s going to keep doing it until someone says they don’t like it.

This would annoy me too OP. YANBU.

I had a friend who did this and she made it very clear that she was not impressed with my inability to keep up on dates like she did. It went as far as things like a check up at dentist where she would make a point next time she saw me of asking how my dentist appt went. Or saying in a p/a manner "if youre interested, my dentist appt went fine " when i hadnt remembered hers. It was exhausting and our friendship ended (that element of it not missed!)

You've probably created your own monster with your previous replies of 'thanks for remembering' and she likely feels you really do appreciate it.

Well confession time, I have sometimes texted people on spurious "nice" pretexts bc I was feeling bored or low or lonely.
I've stopped now (it was a lockdown thing) but I can empathise with her. In your shoes I'd raise an eyebrow and ignore, that's the kindest way imo.

Im like you friend i dont know why but i just remember things.
Tell me something now I'll tell you in 10 years time what you said down to the clothes you were wearing.
I dont go on at people though its nice to sit and watch how they change their stories in the long run.
Numbers dates etc i still remember my first mobile number.
Just random things i cant help but remember them.
I dont boast about it.

This nails it.
Although in their efforts to control their life, this can spill over.
The problem is control and manipulation are loaded words and most people attach evil intentions to them.
Often it's the result of poor sense of self,poor self esteem and anxiety.
There is a deep seated need for constant external validation and this can manifest as excessive interest in others lives.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. It's not the fact that she remembers these things, but that she feels the need to let you know that she has. My SIL is like this and I find it massively intrusive. I wish she would just get on with her own life and be less involved in mine (and everyone else's) 😕

I'm exactly like this
I can remember every date phone number car registration plate etc
The difference is I wouldn't text my friends
I do think that's a bit obsessive and lacking self awareness( she doesn't think it's odd)

One more thing before I buzz off.

No one is saying that remembering normal things like your friends birthdays and sending a message is wrong.

People, even the best of friends, partners etc are allowed a private inner life.
I know when my mother's funeral was, unless I expressly discuss it with you, it's mine and mine alone to think of.

That's 2 things but you get my drift...

I have a photographic memory and somehow that means I remember dates, phone numbers, bank card numbers, number plates. I remember every ex's birthday. My first boyfriend's phone number. Every car reg I've ever owned.... I know my current debit card number, expiry date & cvv. No idea why. None of it is intentional

Can I remember things I NEED to remember, though? Nope. Can I heck.

I have a friend who is VERY good at remembering stuff about other people's lives. The difference is that she would just remember what I'd said about what was going on in my life last time we met, and would ask 'And how's your mum's arthritis?' or whatever, as part of a normal catching-up conversation. I'd never remember what she'd told me last time and was always slightly impressed. In her case it was just a great memory and advanced social skills. She needed it for her job and just did it automatically, I think. She wouldn't have sent texts about that kind of thing though.

I'm quite good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries for significant people in my life but I have a colleague who apparently knows everyone's birthday, whose car is whose in the carpark, details of clients past and present etc. I rather meanly put it down to their home life being somewhat empty - lives with parents, no partner ever, no kids, happy to work out of normal hours or volunteer for extra projects - but this thread has made me think they maybe just have an amazing memory.

Had a friend who had one of those little diaries that she noted everything in. And every year would buy a new one and transfer all the significant dates. I have seen her in about 10 years and she still sends a birthday greeting and Christmas card - embarrassing as I don't do either for her but hey ho!

Me on the other hand - took me about 15 years to figure out a way to remember what year I got married.

Obviously I’m not the OP, but I’d find it invasive, I think. A bit OTT. Too intense…

I'm like this. I remember everything. It is such hard work on the brain, like your brain is full of your childhood, your family, your early years, your school years, what someone said to you on a Friday 1994...

That said, whilst I would remember, I wouldn't message you happy birthday to your sister and I don't care about anniversaries or birthdays.