To be annoyed at friend “remembering “ everything

[Bellavida99]

I know I’m being completely unreasonable but my friend must keep an amazing diary of all birthdays , significant dates etc. I remember her birthday, her kids birthday and sometimes her wedding anniversary which I think is a normal level for a good friend. But she messaged me on the anniversary of my mother’s funeral, on my sisters birthday who she’s met once, and some dates I didn’t know myself like my work anniversary. I now picture her writing down everything I ever mention and adding it to her diary. It’s strange as instead of making me think she’s caring and thoughtful I think she’s a bit odd and it’s a bit much so end up just messaging back something half hearted. Am I being a bitch?

Could you use her talent to your advantage?

Always mention when you descale the washing machine, jet wash the patio etc?

Then she becomes Human Alexa and says things like, happy 'cat worming' day and you'll know it's time to do it again?

My DH is like this but with dates and ages. If I'm trying to remember how old one of my friends is - I'll ask him. And even though he's only met them once years before - he'll know exactly how old they are at the present time. Same with my relatives' ages. He doesn't write them down. He doesn't even try to remember them. They're just there in his head. And sometimes it's people he's never met, I've just mentioned how old they were at some point. It's pretty handy because I'm hopeless with stuff like that.

My sister is exactly like this. Recalls all sorts of stuff from years ago. It’s creepy. She’s also intrusive and asks a whole load of questions whenever we meet up. Not through a proper conversation it’s more like a bloody interview or something. I’ve come to the conclusion through many years of this and after having therapy (for other stuff, this relationship came up as an aside) that she is jealous of me and my life, DCs etc. She’s also incredibly self centred and selfish. OP perhaps this is the case with your friend. People who have ‘small’ lives can try to over involve themselves in the lives of others. I distance myself as much as possible as it’s become pretty toxic.

She may have a liking for self-help books along the lines of 'How to influence people' and networking. This smacks of the old stories of grand social hostesses, who would have a card index for all the people they deemed important. All important dates, kids names, spouses and what they were fed last time they visited the estate would be noted, so they appeared like effortless social butterflies and a 'people person'. For a lot of these rich socialites of the time, that literally was their job, to charm people to ease their husband's way in business and make them feel cared for, seen and important.

So at least she sees you as important in her life OP!

Not amazing memory but she's using the birthday book her Great Aunt bought her 15 years ago. Simply add every event in, look each week to see what's coming up, job done.

There's nothing wrong with remembering things but who would message a friend on their sibling's birthday?
Why?
"Congratulations on your sister's birthday?
What's the point?

If There’s no other issues in your friendship it would be an utter shame to distance or possibly end a friendship over this. Her action show someone so incredibly thoughtful and caring and people like that are rare to find these days.

It's a form of emotional manipulation.
Look what a good friend I am.
It's absolutely about feeding their self esteem through you.

You should generally lead on your emotional responses to things.

A quick text -thinking of you on a death anniversary is fine
A funeral date, sisters birthday, work anniversary (!) is intrusive if she leads the communication unprompted.

In context though if you told her you were going out for posh afternoon tea on your dsis birthday, asking how it went is fine because you chose to involve her.
Texting randomly about things you havent even mentioned is unboundaried, overbearing and intrusive ,you are wise to put some space there.

Hmm half my family are autistic so I get that but they know what's socially acceptable and what's not.
They know that all their random stuff is only important to them.
This woman sounds like an emotional vampire though, she's actually using it to emotionally drain the Op so she can be " a good friend"

I would find that really quite intense. is she quite lacking in social awareness? not normal at all. just put a thumbs up in response, and with work 'anniversaries' or similarly insignificant dates, i would say something like 'honestly don't worry about remembering these dates, i don't celebrate them or anything!' then ignore if she mentions them again.

I have a brain like your friend’s. Everyone I know will come to me first if they want a reminder of when XYZ happened. I might message a friend on the anniversary of a death, but don’t think I’d do it about their work anniversary or because it’s three years since they moved house.

I think some people go to extremes on this, in both directions. I remember taking some cakes into work once for my work anniversary, just because I thought it would be a fun thing to do. One of my team acted with utter bewilderment. “Work… anniversary? Is this something we’re supposed to do now? Are we supposed to remember it? Are we all expected to bring cake?!” I just thought, either have a fucking cake or shut up and stop making a fuss over nothing.

I have a thing for remembering dates. Not that i go out my way to remember them, they just kind of stick in my head for some reason. God i still remember most people’s birthdays that i went to primary school 🤦🏽‍♀️ wish i didn't tho as its bloody annoying lol

Linked in does tell you when you reach a work anniversary (and emails contaxts) so she could get it from there

(and at my work we do celebrate them a bit, small co, so boss says "its X's 4 years here today, thanks for hard work on XYZ")
And yes we brought in cakes on our work anniversay (if you wanted to) - ah i do miss that part since Covid and we all WFH.

Sisters birthday is very random and mums' funeral is a bit intrusive.

You’re being a bit harsh. I’ve got a similar memory and never needed to write anything down. It’s both a blessing and a curse. Everyone used to just pile everything on me to remember. She’s just showing she cares but if you find it unsettling the best thing you can do is politely let her know if you’re finding it odd.

I have the opposite problem inasmuch people - mainly male people - expect me to remember stuff for them. I have suggested using the phone but I might as well been speaking Sanskrit. The level of shock was palpable.

I would find OP's experience unnerving. While it could reflect care it could also reflect OCD.

It's her 'love language' and it's not yours. I'm sure you place huge importance on things that others would find odd (food, gifts, physical affection - there's lots of ways people show love to others)

For dates you don’t want her to remember can you not just say wow what a memory it’s not something I remembered or mark.

A simple thank you and move on otherwise. I think she’s trying to show she cares about you.

This! Yes it’s involving themselves and recalling stuff that was never about them, they weren’t there etc. definitely emotional manipulation and trying to feed their own self esteem. It’s not about remembering dates it’s much deeper and like OP says it’s really hard to explain. Big thanks @Highlandsprocker you’ve given me more clarity here too 😊

I remember dates really well. Can list about 20 birthdays of random people I went to school with who I haven’t spoken to for 15 years.

Totally this.

If she is genuinely trying to be nice, perhaps just tell her that you like to forget things like funeral anniversaries, etc. Hopefully she will tone it down.

Honestly, I just wouldnt reply then. If you stop replying to the pointless "you've been at work for exactly 5 years!" texts and respond enthusiastically to non annoying texts she'll soon get the message. Not every message needs a response anyway. I wouldnt know what to say to a work reminder text anyway- what is there to say apart from "yes, I know" etc

I try to keep track of birthdays. I don't like getting messages on anniversaries of deaths. I don't particularly think about my dad on the day he died, though I do think about him a lot. So getting a message from someone on the anniversary of his death really only (a) makes me sad when I wouldn't otherwise have been sad and (b) gives me a little bonus guilt for being a bad daughter who didn't remember his deathiversary. I think it's better to call someone to see how they are and see if they bring it up. Or - for me - maybe just leave it alone and act as normal. But I appreciate that's not everyone.

Happy to help.
It's just so cloying and irritating, inserting themselves into everything.
They want praise and thanks for something you cba with.
I mean a work anniversary 😆batshit !

I remember dates of everything with no reminders or diaries, it’s just in my head. I don’t know why and I find it annoying myself. I don’t know why my brain retains dates so easily. I wouldn’t text someone about it though unless it was something that I thought needed acknowledgement. I think that’s where your friend has wandered into weird territory!

@Bellavida99 ,
I would find it a bit extreme, but I would only find it annoying if she expectI ed any kind of reciprocity in remembering comparable events in her life.