Completely Joint finances - weird or normal?

[WoodworkingDad]

Chatting at work recently I have discovered that sharing finances completely even when married puts me in the minority of.... well just me and DW!!!

I work full time and earn £50k wife works part time and earns from two jobs about £15k. We have two daughters 4 and 1 years old.

When we were married and both working FT we opened a joint account and paid similar amounts in for mortgage and household bills (excluding food and fuel) I think I paid slightly more as I earned more.

After number 1 child came along and wife went went back to work PT after MAT leave it became far too complicated to work out financially every month. With the drop in income, nursary fees and us getting paid at different points in the month I suggested having a joint spending account. So now we get paid into our own accounts, I then fund the old joint account for bills and pay remaining money into separate joint (spending) account. Wife pays all wages into same joint spending account so we know exactly how much joint money we have. We effectively don't have private money (own accounts left with £1 in each month). All savings/investments are now pooled for tax purposes. To be fair I manage all our money as DW has zero interest, I know it's not ideal but that's how it is, she however has access and passwords to view and manage all accounts if needed.

Does anyone else completely share all finances with there partner? Or are we genuinely weird? It seems no one else I work with really trusts there OH!!!

Thoughts?

I always hear this "we're a team" but for me this doesn't really justify pooling all income.

Yes a good relationship, particularly one with children, is based on trust and relies on working as a team, pulling together, contributing together, planning and having transparency. I certainly think people in committed relationships with children should have visibility into one another's incomes and assets. But I don't think just because you trust someone you are automatically required to share everything you own with them. It seems quite a blunt instrument.

In no other sphere of life would you suggest putting all your eggs into one huge financial pot. Any financial adviser will recommend against doing this. If you're married obviously assets are ultimately considered to be shared and will be split accordingly in a divorce.

But I do think its important, particularly for the partner in a relationship who generates less income (historically usually the woman) to have a pot of money which she and she alone has access to. Call it a "fuck off fund" or a rainy day fund or whatever. Yes in the event of a divorce it may be a drop in the bucket but its incredibly useful to have access to a bit of money that's yours and yours alone.

Also this "we're a team and we share everything" narrative works where you have traditional marriages: working father, SAHM mother -- basically it solidifies the assumption that the non productive spouse needs to have equal access to money. But it doesn't really reflect the increasingly complicated nature of modern families. Families these days are much more likely to be blended, or non cohabiting, or include situations where one partner has children and the other doesn't (as in my own). In this scenario the financial protection of the chilldren needs to take precedence over pooling of money between the partners and sometimes this means children having access to money that is ring-fenced from the partner.

God no, we have one joint acc for bills, and then separate accounts in our own names. Putting all our money into one account makes me break out in a cold sweat! His money is his, my money is mine. Just because we're married doesn't mean we have to totally merge into.one person! I was never a sahm though (because I always wanted my own money)

I wonder if upbringing has a bearing on how you divide finances in a relationship? I was brought up to be independent so giving access to my money to anyone even dh is a bit of a no go. I value my privacy too much, yes even within my marriage! I'm still me! Not just part of a partnership.

I just spent £400 on a dyson hair styler thingy, didn't have to run it past him or anything though, it's my money thatcame oit of my account. The thought of having to have a conversation about spending before I can actually buy what I want Is just so foreign to me.

Friends of ours have joint money and she's always questioning him.about why did you buy that? Where did you spend that? Would do my nut in!

Each to their own though 🤷‍♀️

Except for my savings accounts (in my name only, since higher-income dh would have had to pay more tax) all money from whatever source has always been ‘ours’. Including the interest on ‘my’ savings.
We just took it for granted from the word go.

Just one account here, has been that way forever
You do need to have a similar attitude and trust each other ....I COULD spend on a flash car today but I wont.

We both have our own accounts which are joint accounts too so that we can access either if we need to. I pay a monthly amount into DHs account for bills and we spend what we like out of our own accounts. No secrets here we both know what each other has etc

My OH has died now, but during the whole of our marriage we simply had one joint bank account and all our money was paid into that.

This sums it up perfectly for me.

We have historically got various accounts because i used to be a bank tart taking advantage of current account deals so we dont actually have a joint account but i can directly access my husband’s account (in fact i set it up for him!) and transfer money around to gain the best interest rates and manage all payments. Occasionally i have to tell him where we have money and how its all doing. I set up his Isas for him and manage everything tax efficiently (mostly into my name as he is too rate tax)
he is not remotely interested in money admin . I’ll add everything together and say this is what we have so it is like one pot and always has been . As someone said upthread maybe its because i am good at saving so there a natural inbuilt trust . When i recently started a new job he told me to put as much into pension as poss as his salary covers everything else.
and i never have to get permission to buy stuff!! And if he wants new golf clubs or new telly then he gets them . We would discuss sofas etc but more from aesthetic pov.

We have always completely pooled finances since we spent 3 years travelling abroad 20 years ago.
when we came back to the U.K. we earnt about the same and just carried on pooling everything. Then we had kids and I worked part time. I know work full time but DH earns twice what I do. Kids are now teens.

i Dee so many other people juggling money and being posted off because they bought all the kids clothes this month and the husband didn’t etc. or the food shop costs more now and so they are spending more money as the husband pays a bill that hasn’t gone up etc etc
I don’t understand how it can be easier- the constant totting up of who spent what and who owes who what. We just spend our money on whatever. If DH wants to buy new climbing gear he does, if I want to buy some new shoes I do. When the kids needs stuff it gets bought.
if we had separate finances then DH would always have much more money than me- which wouldn’t really be fair as I sacrificed getting ahead in my career so that I could be around for the kids and DH could work long hours. It was a decision we made happily but also means that now DH recognises that and so doesn’t think I should be penalised now for not having as much earning power as him. I’m now the one working longer hours and working towards promotions. Swings in roundabouts.

Some of the responses here are laughable (and as pp said, quite smug in some cases)

Just because you value financial independence doesn’t mean there are trust issues, doesn’t mean you are not a team/family and doesn’t mean you keep secrets

We are even more in the minority as we joined finances at age 22 and 25 when we bought our first house together and many yrs before we married.

I don't get it unless one of us is absolutely terrible with money. I was out with a friend when we were on mat leave and I said u went to get some lunch. She said I can't I'm skint I've already asked dh for some extra money this month and I'm not doing it again. She basically had her mat pay and still paid the regular bills that she had from it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I treated her to lunch though. I just kept thinking so he's going around with his usual amount of money and she's piss poor coz she's on mat leave how is that fair!

We have completely shared finances, from the moment we moved in together. Never caused any issues as we had the same attitude towards money.

A lot of people seem to be equating having separate finances with splitting every last penny and not working as a team which is absolutely not the case for every couple I know in a healthy relationship with separate finances.

We don’t split dinners, tickets for things etc. We either take it in turns, whoever is feeling flush/ whose idea it was offers or it comes from our joint bills account that always has a bit extra in (that we save if not spent.)

In truth, most couples are not completely separate or completely joined but I like treating DH from MY money from MY account and vice versa and overall most of our finances are separate.

We have a joint account and personal accounts too.

Joint bank account, joint savings account. DH also has an individual isa as he doesn't have much of a pension. I've paid into the NHS pension scheme since in was 21 so will get a lump sum plus regular payments when I retire.

Yes but that's financial abuse, having separate accounts isn't financial.abuse, you must see that?

When I was on mat leave my husband paid for everything because I wasn't getting much from work. Still had separate accounts though! Having joint accounts for everything just feels too controlling to me 🤷‍♀️

Kids led us to go completely joint as well. We’ve always had joint bills account and a joint day-to-day life account, but working out separate spending money when I was on mat leave just made no sense as really anything I did was for DC, and it just felt a bit unpleasant to have to quantify whether something was for me or DC. So we scrapped the spending accounts altogether. I trust DH totally with money and we have very similar views on what we spend - rarely we disagree but it’s never more than a bit of an eye roll. We have the same long term goals and we aren’t impulsive about spending. I think those things are really important.

DH earns about double what I earn, and I work PT 4 days a week.

Totally joint account for us (depute huge difference in earnings), separate ISA saving accounts. Has been like this since we moved in together.

Married for 4 years, but we have pooled money since we bought a house together. Both wages go into one account. We share credit cards too. Shared savings accounts. We have never argued about money, we buy what we want and have never questioned each other’s spending.

Im another one for completely shared finances, happily. DH earns 6 figures and I am SAHM. We have 100% transparency in income and outgoings and various saving accounts. We have been together for 14 years married for 2 with 2 kids and have always pooled everything together even before getting married.

We're not married but have 2 kids. Our wages go into our own accounts. We have one joint account for bills which we pay 50/50 and the rest of our money is our own each month. I know according to most of Mumsnet we should split the bills proportional to wages but 50/50 works for us.

Always had joint account, we don’t have “my” money it’s just ours

Totally agree! We are exactly the same. It’s the way my parents did it. I have friends whose husband is a decent earner and she works a few hours a week. They have always had separate accounts. She has sacrificed a career to raise the kids and now is always struggling. He ‘lends’ her money and she has to pay him back. It’s always a bone of contention between them. It’s totally bizarre to me. My DH is a bigger earner than me but says what’s his is mine! He appreciates I do more in other ways. We always check with each other before big purchases but otherwise we both have the same attitude to money. Each to their own but anything else wouldn’t work for me.

@Aquamarine1029

I wouldn't have married my husband if he didn't agree to joint finances. We are a team, what's mine is his and what's his is mine. There is absolutely none of "this is my money", "this is your money" nonsense.

But its not always nonsense for everyone. Your setup probably works beautifully in a traditional setting with a working dad, SAHM, shared children or if both parents earn roughly the same amount and the asset split is equal. But can't you see not everyone's setup is as simple as that? I find your perspective a bit short-sighted.

In my situation, for example: I earn about 3x more than my partner and I have a child from a previous marriage who isn't his. We don't currently cohabit, though we plan to in the future.

If I were to pool finances with him I would potentially be opening the door for him, in a worst-case scenario, to appropriate my daughter's inheritance. It would be an insanely risky thing to do, so not "nonsense" at all. I will never get married (to him or anyone else) for the same reason: it's just financial suicide if you're a relatively high earner. I trust him completely: we've been together six years and I wouldn't be in a relationship with him if I didn't and I'm as sure as I can be that he wouldn't do this. But you can never know this 100% and I'm not gambling my daughter's future on my trust.

My situation isn't the same as everyone else's and I can see that shared finances make a lot of sense to the financially weaker partner but you must be able to appreciate that not everyone has this setup and that there are horses for courses?

Of course I appreciate other people's circumstances. I gave my opinion. I stated what works for me, not what "should" work for other people. How that's not obvious is beyond me.