Aibu to end things over this text?

[DoYouAgree]

Been with boyfriend a year and a half.
Both have dc and live separately which I think suits us both. I can't Imagine blending families.
I feel we have a nice balance seeing each other once or twice a week.

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option.

We've been on a night out tonight and I've seen his lads WhatsApp group (fyi they're all on their mid 40s) and someone has said on there 'ffs how is she with you -' and he'd replied 'chat shit, get Pussy' , I mean is that not horrible, be bad enough from a 25 year old but a 45 year old after 18 months of being together. (I'm about 6 years younger if that makes any difference to the scenario).

I've felt a lot that there's not enough affection, love etc but he's made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that. And I've only brought that up 3 times in a year and a half including tonight and nothings changed.

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

It’s definitely a play on the Vardy line as a couple of pps have said. ‘Chat shit get banged’ (= beaten up) was everywhere online a few years ago. People use it light-heartedly because it’s barely articulate and yet succinct and expressive, which makes it funny.

I’m not much of a social media user but I remember seeing it a lot, used ironically by people who don’t normally talk like that at all.

In that light I think it’s less personally insulting of the OP’s bf to say what he did, although still bad in a general way. I’m sure in his head he was not specifically talking about her at all but just riffing on the meme, using a similarly crude word choice to tweak it so that it worked as a jokey ‘explanation’ for his ‘romantic success’.

Regardless though, it’s not exactly loving or respectful. Not saying OP should laugh it off. And she doesn’t sound happy anyway.

So did you know he was filming you in the pub? Doesn't it make you feel that you were only there so he had something to post to his mates?
And that text - WHILE YOU WERE SAT NEXT TO HIM!!
It's beginning to look like he can't quite maintain the pretence that he's an adult for the few hours that you're there (having driven over to his because he's not going to put himself out, is he) - bin

*I don’t know how much I would read into a lads group chat after a few drinks, even if it is as distasteful as that, but if you don’t want to be with him anymore you don’t need an excuse to leave, you’re allowed to anyway.

Sorry, but that’s the impression I get from your messages- that you have a number of misgivings about this relationship, you’ve settled for something that will do rather than what you really want. This text has just given you something to hang your hat on as a concrete reason to leave.

So leave him and go after what you really want and deserve, because you deserve to be happy. If this is the out you need then take it.

No more chat! No more pussy!*

My feelings exactly.
You don't really sound like you want to be with him anyway. OP.

Chat shit, Get Dumped.

Ha ha, perfect response! The text is so grim, dump by text, he deserves no better. Soooooo grim.

Dump him - this is outrageously disrespectful!! Dump and run don’t look back , do it however you want

Why did you report what your DH said, not what you think? Do you think a group of women somehow need the opinion of a man to gain some massive insight into what's being said here?

40 year olds are in no way, shape or form children. Why on earth do you think that? They're old enough to be grandparents. They're not children at 20 let alone 40.

Why does she need a 'straight answer'? You know she won't get one, right? This is a man who thinks his superpower is talking shit. He's just going to spin her a line. Probably the one so many women are depressingly falling for, that it was just 'banter', it didn't mean anything, well really it was a compliment actually and why is she being so sensitive? It's utterly pointless talking to him.

This thread is so, so depressing. None of this kind of talk is remotely acceptable. You don't get to say misogynist things and then claim it was somehow a joke. If it was a joke, show me the humour.

40 year olds are still children who talk bravado with their mates.

This bs is why men get away with so much bs.

It's just a general response to his friends asking how he has managed to be with the OP after seeing a video of how attractive she is in the bar. He's saying if you talk to women you can get into relationships and have sex with women who are more attractive than you are. Crude way of putting it, but that's what it means. As PP have said it's just a play on the 'talk shit get banged' that was around for awhile.
In conversation someone might say jokingly when their partner is obviously more attractive 'she fell for my charm'. It's the same idea, but at a base level.

“She fell for my charm” is ok though. It’s not disrespectful to OP. It’s not objectifying her to being just “pussy”. That’s the bit that is the massive turn off.

As PP have said it's just a play on the 'talk shit get banged' that was around for awhile.

It doesn't matter if it's a play on something. It is the way he's phrasing it that's the problem. I have no objection to Robin Cook saying that if you gave him 20 minutes, he could talk away his face. I strongly object to anyone referring to women as 'pussy'.

And if you google the phrase this man used, minus the word 'banged', to avoid the Vardy references, you'll get a lot of links to porn sites which use this phrase. So riddle me this, do you think this prince among men managed this Wildean word play himself, or do you think he picked up the expression elsewhere?

And why the fuck do people think 'oh, it's a footballing phrase' makes it OK? You do realise that footballing culture is riddled with toxic masculinity that not only excuses but actively plays up misogyny, racism and homophobia, don't you?

I'm another one who interprets it as he says what he needs to say to get laid BTW.

Thanks for coming back to update OP, glad you are not standing for being a trophy, even filmed without your knowledge. Why should you be grateful to be valued for your appearance and point scoring with Neanderthal man, as a minority of PP.

Yes, mostly the response on MN is to lose the loser (or LTB), because by the time someone is posting on here it’s for support to hammer in the final nail on the coffin of a crappy relationship, or because their gut instinct is kicking in but they’ve been gas lit into doubting it.

Hopefully we are moving away from the “it’s just banter” brigade, unfortunately it’s not - hence the prosecution for what’s app messages group chats with Wayne Couzens. It’s a form of hate speech, dehumanising OP and woman and frankly proven dangerous to tolerate.

I’m sorry OP. Why are so many men so crap!

Forgetting for a moment the text, and the sending a photo of you without asking (both of which are 🤮 as is being in a crude talking ‘lads wattsapp group’ in your mid forties)… Are you happy with him? It sounds to me like you’re looking for love but he’s just looking for sex with an attractive pleasant woman.

I’m a cuddly affectionate person. My DH is always up for sex but doesn’t do hand-holding / cuddles / tenderness, or words of affection (he had a difficult childhood). I didn’t mind in the earlier years as we were both having so much sex, but now we’re middle-aged and passions have cooled, I find the everyday lack of affection really difficult. I wouldn’t wish this on you OP. Find someone who hugs you. I haven’t had a hug from DH since March and that was only an awkward one lasting a second, and was because I was bereaved.

Find someone who makes you happier than this. Loving tender males exist, I’m raising two of them.

Well done, @DoYouAgree
You have just hugely increased your chance of finding a Lovely Man. Unfortunately, experience often doesn't come cheap. It can cost pain or money. But the learning you can get out of it is invaluable. All the best

Will someone please explain ‘chat shit, get pussy’ ?? Thanks

did you read the thread?

No. I CBA reading long threads 😊

good luck with finding someone to explain it to you then.

Why do men have to boast about getting sex, do women go around saying they are getting cock

Nice one, @Myfabby

When someone shows you who they are believe them op. So sorry you've experienced this but you deserve so much better💐

I reckon if he was really into you he wouldn’t say something like that. Sorry don’t mean to be unkind. But I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to dump him. You deserve a lot better.

That's disgusting, actually. Please dump him.

Ugh.

That’s a line he won’t use again. Good on you for taking a stand! 👏👏👏

Definitely dumping time!