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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to end things over this text?

256 replies

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:22

Been with boyfriend a year and a half.
Both have dc and live separately which I think suits us both. I can't Imagine blending families.
I feel we have a nice balance seeing each other once or twice a week.

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option.

We've been on a night out tonight and I've seen his lads WhatsApp group (fyi they're all on their mid 40s) and someone has said on there 'ffs how is she with you -' and he'd replied 'chat shit, get Pussy' , I mean is that not horrible, be bad enough from a 25 year old but a 45 year old after 18 months of being together. (I'm about 6 years younger if that makes any difference to the scenario).

I've felt a lot that there's not enough affection, love etc but he's made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that. And I've only brought that up 3 times in a year and a half including tonight and nothings changed.

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

OP posts:
wesurecouldstandgladioli · 28/10/2023 08:21

I think that’s the right decision.

Let us know how he reacts, OP. You deserve someone better, even he knows it.

GreenwichOrTwicks · 28/10/2023 08:25

nutsnutspistachionuts · 27/10/2023 23:13

The more common slang phrase, popularised by noted philosopher Jamie Vardy, is "chat shit get banged" which unusually does not mean banged in the sexual sense but instead means "talk rubbish about me and get hit/beaten at sports/etc". OP's bf's Nabokovian wordplay references Vardy but cleverly subverts the meaning thus:

Mate: How did you manage to pull Katie?
OP BF: I talk rubbish and attract women out of my league

So in one sense it's not unflattering to OP particularly, in fact almost self-deprecating, but that's outweighed by the fact that it is unflattering to ALL women, of which OP is one, and there is no need whatsoever for OP's BF to be self-deprecating as it's already abundantly clear he's a twat.

Just love this!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Imagwine · 28/10/2023 08:25

I think he’s insecure so reacted childishly to yet another goad by his mate pointing out he’s punching above his weight. TBF he might be sick of them going on about it, but it wasn’t a nice way of pointing out that he’s got the gift of the gab so can get attractive ladies.

You weren’t getting what you want from the relationship anyway so this is fine to be the final nail. You don’t need an excuse to finish what isn’t working for you anyway.
or if you actually like him and want that more affection etc, talk to him plainly, lay out your concerns over the text and say what you need going forward. See what he says, and what he does going forward and take it from there.

Manipulatorsbemanipulating · 28/10/2023 08:41

nutsnutspistachionuts · 27/10/2023 23:13

The more common slang phrase, popularised by noted philosopher Jamie Vardy, is "chat shit get banged" which unusually does not mean banged in the sexual sense but instead means "talk rubbish about me and get hit/beaten at sports/etc". OP's bf's Nabokovian wordplay references Vardy but cleverly subverts the meaning thus:

Mate: How did you manage to pull Katie?
OP BF: I talk rubbish and attract women out of my league

So in one sense it's not unflattering to OP particularly, in fact almost self-deprecating, but that's outweighed by the fact that it is unflattering to ALL women, of which OP is one, and there is no need whatsoever for OP's BF to be self-deprecating as it's already abundantly clear he's a twat.

👏👏👏👏 🤣

nopenotforme · 28/10/2023 08:47

Isolating the message only; I think you're overreacting.

That phraseology comes from, I think, Jamie Vardy (a footballer) and the original phrase was 'chat shit: get banged' (meaning punched/knocked out)

I think in your bfs case, he's been wound up (again) about him punching above his weight and he's just made a flippant remark back.

Childish and distasteful - yep. Meant to disrespect you - I don't think so.

He sounds a bit too immature for you though.

Aclaire · 28/10/2023 08:49

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 28/10/2023 07:11

When you do end it, make sure you explain that it’s because he’s a childish twat who makes your vagina clamp shut rather than saying it’s because he’s not into you enough

I love this... lol also a sign on her vagina saying "not today!"

nopenotforme · 28/10/2023 08:51

nutsnutspistachionuts · 27/10/2023 23:13

The more common slang phrase, popularised by noted philosopher Jamie Vardy, is "chat shit get banged" which unusually does not mean banged in the sexual sense but instead means "talk rubbish about me and get hit/beaten at sports/etc". OP's bf's Nabokovian wordplay references Vardy but cleverly subverts the meaning thus:

Mate: How did you manage to pull Katie?
OP BF: I talk rubbish and attract women out of my league

So in one sense it's not unflattering to OP particularly, in fact almost self-deprecating, but that's outweighed by the fact that it is unflattering to ALL women, of which OP is one, and there is no need whatsoever for OP's BF to be self-deprecating as it's already abundantly clear he's a twat.

Hahaha this is brilliant!

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2023 08:51

I'd write "chat shit, get dumped"

Absolutely!
You were already having doubts about him and he hasn't even bothered to try to reassure you or apologise. It seems like you're convenient to him right now. I know that makes you feel shit but you deserve way better than that.

Fran2023 · 28/10/2023 08:56

He’s a hard no from me.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 28/10/2023 09:03

Rockschooldropout · 27/10/2023 23:15

My vagina would have shrivelled up reading that message …
. Instant ick . Referring to you as “pussy” disrespectful and immature

Indeed. My hymen would have resealed somehow. What a pig.

5128gap · 28/10/2023 09:03

Its always a shock when you discover the way men talk to each other when there are no women around. Even the most respectful seem compelled to engage in this sort of sexist bravado to impress 'their boys'. We just rarely get to hear them. It's very depressing but so common I think you'd go a long way to find one with a group of 'lads' who didn't at times stray into this sort of territory. So, in an otherwise good relationship I'd have said have words, explain how it made you feel etc. But given yours is a bit rubbish anyway, and he doesn't care how you feel, it's a useful catalyst to prompt you to move on.

Gardeningtime · 28/10/2023 09:04

Op, that text only confirmed what you knew already and have complained to him about, he’s only with uou for sex. Why are you clinging on?

I’ve a male divorced friend who was in a similar “relationship” . It lasted 2 years, he was very clear with everyone it was just sex for him, said she’d the highest sex drive of anyone he’d ever met, told everyone he didn’t actually like her very much, she was boring, but he knew fine well she thought they were in a proper relationship and was reading something into everything he did to confirm it in her own head.

It was so obvious though it was just sex, it was so dismaying and cringe how she ran around after him, desperate to be in a relationship with him and how disinterested he was. She was running round buying him stuff, cooking for him, doing chores in his house. The whole thing was deeply distasteful.

we all got on his case for it, it was fucking appalling, and she was a nice lady , and he’d regularly say I’m just having fun, get off my case and we’d say but she’s not just having fun and you’re going to hurt her. I guess if he told her clearly the sex would stop as would all the running around and being at his beck and call.

He then suddenly dumped her as he started to feel bad about it. Said he’d known he had to do it for a long while but had been dreading it. She didn’t take it well at all, even though he was actually doing her a favour.

you need to end it. Grab hold of your dignity. And call it off.

qwerty123454 · 28/10/2023 09:13

That's an extremely immature thing to say

Is he Jay from the Inbetweeners?

JustWimpy · 28/10/2023 09:14

I'd dump him for using the word 'pussy'.

Galatine · 28/10/2023 09:24

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 22:24

? The mate complimented you and he called them a pussy for chatting shit no? I don't really see what you mean?

You have misunderstood. He means that he talks to her romantically and that gets him sexual favours without serious commitment.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 28/10/2023 09:27

craigth162 · 27/10/2023 22:27

I took it as he was saying her chat to him is shit but he gets pussy. Sounds like thats all he wants.

Maybe he needs to clarify!

Show quote history

That is what I thought at first, but I think @Indoorcatmum is correct.

Iwantthistobemyyear · 28/10/2023 09:28

Sounds like his friend is also saying that he's punching because they know he's a dick and you're a nice, genuine person.

jenny38 · 28/10/2023 09:28

The text on its own- his friend was basically saying you are too good for him. I think his reply was distasteful, but probably meant as banter. Would prompt a long convo about how you felt demeaned by it, etc. however if there are other red flags then rethink. Remember people on mums net always recommend ending relationships. You alone know your overall experience of this relationship. I would talk to him properly, say it’s left you wondering if this is the right relationship for you and talk together.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 28/10/2023 09:38

Kittensat36 · 27/10/2023 22:33

I was dumped by email once. It was horrible, heartbreaking and gut wrenchingly painful.

You should totally dump him by text.

May I suggest "Chat's shit. No more pussy." Then block him every where.

This

ThreeRingCircus · 28/10/2023 09:39

He could have told his mate to jokingly do one instead of choosing to refer to you as pussy that can be manipulated with any old chat. It’s just a bit pathetic isn’t it.

Totally pathetic and shows he's a sexist pig. This sort of childish lads' "banter" is just such a turn off.

OP, there are many men that wouldn't dream of sending a message like that. The fact that some PPs think all men are like this just shows how depressingly low their bars are. It sounds like your gut has been trying to tell you something for a while and you've been silencing it....but he's just proved you need to trust your instincts here.

I would agree with messaging "Chat shit, get dumped." He needs to know it's because he's a childish moron that's made you lose your attraction to him rather than anything else.

Caerulea · 28/10/2023 09:45

Have some fun in your new single life - no one needs a man that refers to you by a misogynistic term for a body part you're so much more than that. So many yucks & ews.

Also - 'boys will be boys'? Oh he can just get to fuck with that attitude. Don't be sad, you're doing the right thing. This one is broken, get a new one 😊

Isthisit22 · 28/10/2023 09:46

HungryandIknowit · 27/10/2023 22:33

If you were having doubts anyway with no proper response from him probably best to end it. The text is foul.

This. He’s just confirmed what you felt deep down. He’s a user and not that into you

NOTANUM · 28/10/2023 10:02

I think it’s how he’s responded that’s bad. Had he said “you’re jealous” or “because I’m gorgeous” or other “Bantz” it would be okay if a bit childish.

But he has been disrespectful and doesn’t dare advertising it.

id split too. He’s not worth your time.

Noshowlomo · 28/10/2023 10:04

His mate said he’s punching above his weight, and he’s replied in the most disrespectful way. He talks you into sex basically. Wanker

PrinceHaz · 28/10/2023 10:12

It’s the vile vulgarity if what he wrote that annoys me. You couldn’t retain any dignity by staying with him.

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