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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to end things over this text?

256 replies

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:22

Been with boyfriend a year and a half.
Both have dc and live separately which I think suits us both. I can't Imagine blending families.
I feel we have a nice balance seeing each other once or twice a week.

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option.

We've been on a night out tonight and I've seen his lads WhatsApp group (fyi they're all on their mid 40s) and someone has said on there 'ffs how is she with you -' and he'd replied 'chat shit, get Pussy' , I mean is that not horrible, be bad enough from a 25 year old but a 45 year old after 18 months of being together. (I'm about 6 years younger if that makes any difference to the scenario).

I've felt a lot that there's not enough affection, love etc but he's made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that. And I've only brought that up 3 times in a year and a half including tonight and nothings changed.

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 27/10/2023 22:40

That text, even if bravado, shows the level of his thinking. And the level of his peer group. In his 40s? Jeez - I hope he doesn’t have daughters or that would be even more grim and depressing than it is. He and his friends are slime.

I wouldn’t even bother composing a full wordy text. His reptile brain won’t appreciate it. ‘It’s over. Don’t contact me.’ Will do.

extrasushiplease · 27/10/2023 22:42

Please give yourself the respect that he's not giving you and let him go: He sounds like a low-character time-waster, and you shouldn't be settling for the bare minimum for a middle-aged boy who would speak that way about you.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2023 22:44

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 22:24

? The mate complimented you and he called them a pussy for chatting shit no? I don't really see what you mean?

What compliment??

Read it again!

Whoopsadaisydownagain · 27/10/2023 22:45

If you know you'd never say to a friend " I'm only with him for his dick" then I think you know the outcome.
He's not the man for you , and has shown you no respect. Ditch .

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2023 22:45

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:33

Exactly @TentChristmas and @Indoorcatmum that's how I've read it.

I do more of the running round as he has a young dog but if feels as though I've done more than my fair share of making the effort and drive to him ( we live 25 mins apart).

I know there's stuff that you'd vent/say to your friends that you wouldn't necessarily say to your partner but that felt so low and disrespectful.
I suppose if I saw a mate saying id want the person to either a) ignore it b) say something like yeah do you know what I don't know why she's with me but the fact he's said that just turns my stomach. He's said factually a few times that im more attractive than him but ultimately looks don't matter . You're with who you have a connection with whether that be looks/ connection/ combo of everything.

It's just confirmed what I'd thought it my darkest thoughts but he says lads WhatsApp groups are horrible and not to read anything into it . There as no hug/kiss/reassurance tho while he said that.

That's cos he's a pig

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/10/2023 22:47

Yeah get rid. Tell him that if its that easy to "get pussy" he can "chat shit" to some other poor cow.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2023 22:48

ManyMaybes · 27/10/2023 22:28

I don’t think I understand straight man language

It's Def.

How are you with someone that good?

I chat shit to her to gain access to her genital region

MakeItRain · 27/10/2023 22:48

Kittensat36 · 27/10/2023 22:33

I was dumped by email once. It was horrible, heartbreaking and gut wrenchingly painful.

You should totally dump him by text.

May I suggest "Chat's shit. No more pussy." Then block him every where.

😂 Perfect!
His text was really disrespectful and off-putting. Definitely dump him and block him on everything. He doesn't deserve you.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2023 22:50

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:39

Yes @StrangeVeg that's what his friend means and I've been out in before in a combo of his friends groups and they've said that a few times on different occasions as though he's definitely punching above his weight.

I've never had any negativity before in any capacity off his friends, they've all been lovely to me but it's like my boyfriend can 'take or leave' me.

And yes there's lots of nice things he does e.g good morning/good night messages. Keeping things in house he knows I like, making space for my stuff, making plans he knows I like but this message has just blown all that out of the water as though my darkest fears have come to light if you see what I mean .

Does it bother you that you think he's pretending to be the big cool man and pretending he isn't bothered, or that you think he means it? In all likelihood esp if you've been drinking it's the first. Doesn't mean you have to stay tho.

Sixsixtysix · 27/10/2023 22:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TentChristmas · 27/10/2023 22:50

Oh, and lads chat isn’t something that most loving partners partake in. It’s bollocks if he tells you all men do this. They don’t.

assignedmeowth · 27/10/2023 22:51

May I suggest "Chat's shit. No more pussy." Then block him every where.

Yes!

Avatartar · 27/10/2023 22:51

I’d send him 3 emojis 💩🐈‍⬛🚮then block him

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/10/2023 22:52

Even if he doesn't mean it at all and is just saying it to 'be one of the lads', then:
He has shit taste in friends
He is weak and won't say what he thinks so he can be seen as one of the lads

Which would kill any feelings for me

And no, not all men's WhatsApp groups are like this. I know a mens WhatsApp who asked one of the group to leave or stop posting things that were disrespectful to women (most of the chat is current affairs/ sport and he was infiltrating it with 'gym babes'

StrangeVeg · 27/10/2023 22:52

Another vote for @Kittensat36. It's perfect. What a complete knob. Such an unfortunate mixture of cocky and insecure. As others have said, you can do so much better @DoYouAgree. Buying your favourite teabags does not redeem him.

ExtraOnions · 27/10/2023 22:53

Why are you reading his messages ?

Lollypop701 · 27/10/2023 22:54

He’s insecure, knows he is punching and reacting like an utter twat. Not your shit to fix … not sure he could be fixed but you absolutely deserve more op

Paddingtonthebear · 27/10/2023 22:57

He is saying that he knows what to say to you to reel you in and get what he wants (sex).

Urgh.

I mean, I do think most men are like this to be honest. But if you are already having doubts about him then this is the final nail isn’t it?

ironic that he’s giving it the big one to his mates, but they clearly know he’s not in your league!

Mostlyoblivious · 27/10/2023 22:58

Text away - he’s horrid.

He has also been trying to undermine you / gaslight you as you are too good for him - the treat then mean keep them keen crap. Don’t take any of it personally, it’s about him being a dick and nothing to do with yourself.

Cheeesus · 27/10/2023 22:58

I don’t read it that way.

How did you get her?

He answers, You chat shit and you get pussy.

To chat shit means to talk bollocks or nonsense, he’s not saying the chat is shit. So he either means he’s made stuff up, or that they’ve just been waffling about this and that. Could mean nothing bad.

NotMuchElseWeCanDo · 27/10/2023 23:00

You're not just a piece of pussy!

I don't like men who talk about any women in that way!

It's disrespectful and immature. He sounds like a teenage boy!

Original poster
DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 23:03

@ExtraOnions we were sat next to each other at the bar and he just had his phone out in front of him. He wasn't being overly obvious but I side eyed and saw it all. Don't know his phone password and have never snooped if that's what you mean.

It's so depressing. I've done the casual dating shenanigans and I've done the 'looking for relationship' with versions degrees of success (I mean ultimately things haven't worked with previous guys but they've not all been pigs- it can just sometimes be mismatch lf circumstances and/or personalities and qualities.

I thought this guy was different in lots of ways but I suppose my gut has kept cropping up to be wary and I've been shoving it down. Even though I know you should ultimately trust your gut feelings but after divorce and break ups I know that I haven't always trusted my feelings.

OP posts:
DesparatePragmatist · 27/10/2023 23:03

I would translate it thusly:

Mate: wow, how is someone like you with someone like her?

Partner: if you have the gift of the gab you can overcome not being the most handsome chap and win the fair lady

So I wouldn't dump him over it - but I would ask him to grow up and remember you're his partner and someone not to objectify.

Unless you want to break up with him anyway, in which case, go right ahead

WillowCraft · 27/10/2023 23:04

Its weird that his friends would keep saying he's less attractive than you and why are you together. Who comments on their friends ' looks all the time? Plus there are lots more things to a person than their looks. I mean it might be said after first meeting someone's new partner, but it's not something that would be repeatedly said during an 18 month relationship. Especially two 45 year olds with kids as realistically you both probably just look like typical middle aged parents. Maybe he's just sick of these comments.

I wouldn't read to much into it. Judge him on how he acts towards you.

EmmaEmerald · 27/10/2023 23:05

Oh no, that's awful

Maybe most men do locker room talk but even in that context, it's low.

sorry, I'd bin him off, that is awful.

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