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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to end things over this text?

256 replies

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:22

Been with boyfriend a year and a half.
Both have dc and live separately which I think suits us both. I can't Imagine blending families.
I feel we have a nice balance seeing each other once or twice a week.

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option.

We've been on a night out tonight and I've seen his lads WhatsApp group (fyi they're all on their mid 40s) and someone has said on there 'ffs how is she with you -' and he'd replied 'chat shit, get Pussy' , I mean is that not horrible, be bad enough from a 25 year old but a 45 year old after 18 months of being together. (I'm about 6 years younger if that makes any difference to the scenario).

I've felt a lot that there's not enough affection, love etc but he's made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that. And I've only brought that up 3 times in a year and a half including tonight and nothings changed.

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 28/10/2023 04:02

Boomboom22 · 28/10/2023 00:11

No. Again. It means

Insult from mate, you are so ugly your gf is hot
Him oi stop chatting shit about how ugly I am or I will beat you up

No. It doesn't.
And neither does your previous suggestion.

2021x · 28/10/2023 04:06

Its sounds like for you this is a deal breaker. You would find it hard long term respect him and his "chat" after he has said this about you to another person.

Might not bother some people, some people can excuse it as boys talk, and wean sit and analyse all day long what he meant or didn't mean. But it has hurt you, and in your personal life it is your choice who you spend time with.

littleblackcat27 · 28/10/2023 04:20

Cheeesus · 27/10/2023 22:58

I don’t read it that way.

How did you get her?

He answers, You chat shit and you get pussy.

To chat shit means to talk bollocks or nonsense, he’s not saying the chat is shit. So he either means he’s made stuff up, or that they’ve just been waffling about this and that. Could mean nothing bad.

Umm - yes it is bad. Confused

asleep · 28/10/2023 05:03

Even without that message (which is gross) you weren't very happy and felt he wasn't bothered by you. Dump him regardless. He's not worth feeling crap about.

ohdamnitjanet · 28/10/2023 05:40

ExtraOnions · 27/10/2023 22:53

Why are you reading his messages ?

Who cares why, ffs?

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/10/2023 05:41

Two possible options.

He is genuinely just with you for the sex, will say whatever is necessary to get it.

Or:

He actually likes you, isn't great at expressing that and has an immature circle of friends he hasn't the balls to say 'yeah, actually she's great, we have a lot in common I love spending time with her'... to.

However either option would make me dump him without further discussion!

Mamma2017 · 28/10/2023 05:41

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 27/10/2023 23:46

A LOT of men talk like this. I know that most on MN don’t want to believe that, but having spent literally decades at work and in the staff canteen with hundreds of men, this is sadly the norm at all levels, from CEO to the most junior. And as for the wives/partners who come to work functions and make a point of saying “oh my Nigel would never”…….well, Nigel is usually the dirtiest dog of all.
That of course doesn’t mean that you should accept it. I wouldn’t, it’s bloody disrespectful and this “trying to be one of the lads” gives me the ick. I would lose all respect and I can’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t respect. But it is bloody rife, irrespective of age, qualifications or life experience. It’s utterly grim, but I don’t know how you stop it.

It’s absolutely fucking disgusting how men talk about women to each other. This is part of the reason why sexism and misogyny isn’t going away because to men it’s the norm it’s reinforced to each other and they are all egging each other on all the time. Almost like if you’re not sexist you’re not “one of the guys.” It’s fucking gross. Then they hide it all to their partners for an easy life. Obviously not every single man is like this but I agree too after working in male environments and having brothers-it’s definitely rife unfortunately.
This post reminded me of Donald Trump and his “locker room chat” (“I grab em by the pussy”) Ffs.

Tonight1 · 28/10/2023 05:45

If he's not making you happy then leave him.

I wouldn't want that with a proper boyfriend. I'm celebate (or am I still celebate??) but have fooled around with a guy a couple of times this year (not full sex). And I've done that precisely because it's a trade off, we're both single, he's not in love with me but is attracted to me, and I want to talk. So if he said that about me I'd laugh.

But definitely wouldn't like that with someone who I was committed to.

LePetitChat · 28/10/2023 05:56

I don’t know how much I would read into a lads group chat after a few drinks, even if it is as distasteful as that, but if you don’t want to be with him anymore you don’t need an excuse to leave, you’re allowed to anyway.

Sorry, but that’s the impression I get from your messages- that you have a number of misgivings about this relationship, you’ve settled for something that will do rather than what you really want. This text has just given you something to hang your hat on as a concrete reason to leave.

So leave him and go after what you really want and deserve, because you deserve to be happy. If this is the out you need then take it.

No more chat! No more pussy!

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 28/10/2023 06:02

I would dump him for this. No question. I probably wouldn't tell him I had seen the convo though until much later if at all.

I would tell him I'm not feeling it but it was nice knowing him and be done. If you mention the message he will accuse you of snooping.

I could never sleep with someone or interact in any meaningful way with them after this.

It's dead. time to bury it.

Mamma2017 · 28/10/2023 06:06

It is such SUCH a disrespectful way to talk about you OP. I don’t care if it was just to the “LADS LADS LADS!” He’s in his fucking 40s for a start he’s not some dumb 18 year old. He’s a middle aged man! Ew. It’s not ok and if he loved & respected you he wouldn’t speak about you like that. He completely objectified you- reduced you right down to your genitals and said he feeds you any old shit chat to shag you. Not only is he a misogynist in general talking like this about women but it was specifically about you, to people who know you. So wrong. If this is how he talks about you I’d bet that remark was the tip of the iceberg- bet he’s said other derogatory things at other points too. Even if just the one comment though it’s a disgusting attitude.

OP on the back of all this your gut was already telling you something about how he is with you, your gut is a powerful and accurate tool Id use it. Listen to it. You felt wary already then stumbled across this message and it is reaffirming to you what you already felt.
Im sorry you are with an arse hole. You deserve someone better.
I think you know what to do.

Jewelspun · 28/10/2023 06:07

It's obvious what the text means.

He gives her a load of old flannel knowing she will be flattered and he can then have sex with her.

He doesn't have romantic feelings dow the op, she a a convenient shag.

The op shouldn't feel so upset about finishing with him as she wasn't intending to build a future as a family unite with him.

Tonight1 · 28/10/2023 06:18

It's a bit soul destroying if you can't communicate properly with someone and if he's not making you feel loved (irrespective of the text) then leave

heartbroken22 · 28/10/2023 06:24

Sorry but you deserve so so much better. He sounds like something stuck to the bottom of your shoe!

Sausage1989 · 28/10/2023 06:27

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 22:24

? The mate complimented you and he called them a pussy for chatting shit no? I don't really see what you mean?

Wow how did you get that from that text?!?! He's saying he chats to her 'chat shit' so he can have sex with her aka 'get pussy'
It's disgusting

MsDogLady · 28/10/2023 06:36

The issue is I’ve felt for a long time as though he’s happy enough with me but he’s not with me because it’s me if that makes any sense. Like I’m an easy option.

I’ve felt a lot that there’s not enough affection, love etc but he’s made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that.

@DoYouAgree, he doesn’t cherish or respect you, and he puts emotional distance between you. You feel like you’re an easy option and there’s a lack of real affection. When you express your valid feelings about this, he dismisses you, and shifts the blame by making you feel needy.

His incredibly crude, disloyal comment about you to his friend was beyond the pale. He’s saying his agenda is reducing you to object status and manipulating you to get sex. This puts a new, disturbing spin on the ‘nice’ things he does.

All of the above is evidence that he doesn’t love or respect you. That’s no personal reflection on you. As a misogynistic pig, he devalues and objectifies all women.

Get smart and walk away, @DoYouAgree.

DaftQuestionForToday · 28/10/2023 06:38

Boomboom22 · 28/10/2023 00:08

Having seen the ref above its even clearer he is saying his mate is talking shit about him, not about chatting shit to you. People are being too literal.

🙄🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

Tonight1 · 28/10/2023 06:42

The absolute most tolerant explanation would be he's saying his friend is talking rubbish and to go get himself a girlfriend...but I don't think it's that!

LightSpeeds · 28/10/2023 06:45

The answer is simple: you've had doubts about him anyway. Just dump his arse - there's nothing to think about.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 28/10/2023 06:48

I read it as the chats between them are rubbish, OP doesn't interest him intellectually, but he gets his leg over and that's all he's bothered about!!
I wonder if he sees other women when he's not with OP?
Anyway, I think OP knows the answer, she is definitely better off without him!!

DaftQuestionForToday · 28/10/2023 06:50

@DoYouAgree

You were unhappy with the emotional state of the relationship before this, you didn't feel loved & cared about. 18 months in you should be feeling loved & wanted FOR YOU,

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option

you deserve more!!

Tonight should have confirmed your gut was right.

Theres some barking ''takes' on what the text exchange meant, but no matter what is correct it's confirming you were right to feel how you were feeling anyway.

YOU can't see you blending families. It's not going anywhere. Move on, you're wasting your time & trashing you self esteem with this 40+ year old 'lad'.

Post divorce it can be hard to find someone worthy of your time, but you won't find someone decent while you're messing around with this clown!!

Erdinger · 28/10/2023 06:50

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 22:24

? The mate complimented you and he called them a pussy for chatting shit no? I don't really see what you mean?

How did the mate compliment her ? Baffled

MondayBags678 · 28/10/2023 06:59

He has no respect for you
I’m sorry I hope you can find someone more worthy of you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 28/10/2023 07:01

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 22:24

? The mate complimented you and he called them a pussy for chatting shit no? I don't really see what you mean?

That's not what he was saying. He was saying that he manipulates the OP into sex.

MzHz · 28/10/2023 07:02

@DoYouAgree so he typed that message out while sitting NEXT to you?

wow. Fucking hell.

oh you have to bin him.

not by text, by WhatsApp