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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to end things over this text?

256 replies

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:22

Been with boyfriend a year and a half.
Both have dc and live separately which I think suits us both. I can't Imagine blending families.
I feel we have a nice balance seeing each other once or twice a week.

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option.

We've been on a night out tonight and I've seen his lads WhatsApp group (fyi they're all on their mid 40s) and someone has said on there 'ffs how is she with you -' and he'd replied 'chat shit, get Pussy' , I mean is that not horrible, be bad enough from a 25 year old but a 45 year old after 18 months of being together. (I'm about 6 years younger if that makes any difference to the scenario).

I've felt a lot that there's not enough affection, love etc but he's made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that. And I've only brought that up 3 times in a year and a half including tonight and nothings changed.

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

OP posts:
AllWeWantToDo · 28/10/2023 01:08

Boomboom22 · 28/10/2023 00:11

No. Again. It means

Insult from mate, you are so ugly your gf is hot
Him oi stop chatting shit about how ugly I am or I will beat you up

That is definitely not what he means

WinterDeWinter · 28/10/2023 01:08

Screamingabdabz · 27/10/2023 22:40

That text, even if bravado, shows the level of his thinking. And the level of his peer group. In his 40s? Jeez - I hope he doesn’t have daughters or that would be even more grim and depressing than it is. He and his friends are slime.

I wouldn’t even bother composing a full wordy text. His reptile brain won’t appreciate it. ‘It’s over. Don’t contact me.’ Will do.

This. Just say that.

and just to add - if his excuse is that men’s whatsapp groups are misogynistic then why is he in them?

spoiler: he’s a misogynist

Firefly1987 · 28/10/2023 01:10

The mate sounds a better option tbh! It sounds like possibly your boyfriend commented something as bad (or worse) before that and the other guy was saying "FFS why is she with you?" (because even the other guy can see he's a complete douche) as a response, to which your boyfriend replied that he romances you (chats shit) to "get laid"-I can't bring myself to say the other thing, I really really really hate that word.

I'm sorry OP I don't think I could stay with a guy who makes comments like that, never mind the fact he doesn't even mean anything he's saying or doing for you! It's so very depressing to hear this type of language and disrespect from men in their mid-40s...I've always liked older men anyway, but think I'll be raising my age range to 55+ now.

FrogandToadAreFriends · 28/10/2023 01:15

His friends sound nice, you should date one of them. Absolutely dump him though. So sorry :( what are you looking forward to this weekend? You should plan some things that will make you feel great.

Totaly · 28/10/2023 01:15

Its weird that his friends would keep saying he's less attractive than you and why are you together.

Maybe the friend was being more respectful and it wasn’t just about looks. The friends knows what he’s like and can’t believe you are with such an arsehole - who knows what else he’s put on there?

I would hate to think that he’s telling his friends, people you know and have been out with - that he’s telling you lies to get you into bed.

I would get rid. He’s not a keeper.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 28/10/2023 01:18

Independent of the message, it's not the relationship you want. It is probably never going to be the kind of relationship you want. Please make space in your life for someone who loves and respects you and is happy to be with you.
There are many good people out there. If you prefer to be in unhappy relationships rather than no relationships, well, they are much easier to find. You got nothing to lose.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 28/10/2023 01:19

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 22:24

? The mate complimented you and he called them a pussy for chatting shit no? I don't really see what you mean?

Eh? How can you possibly take that from
what OP posted?

He’s grim OP, get rid. YANBU

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 01:27

Only you can answer if this is a relationship ender……..if I read this on my partners chats it wouldn’t bother me cos after 13 years I don’t doubt his love and loyalty to me and my son (his stepson)

but would he write something like that……..maybe - to make light to some
of his friends that try to wind him up for being “under the thumb” or when he’s drunk and trying to be cheeky and mouthy…..my partner has a massive social circle who he’s had longer than me and im friends with them
too now so I know a comment like that wouldnt be meant to be derogatory or belittle me but a joke at best and at worst……

does he love you? Make you and
your family feel loved and special - if so don’t ruin it over a lads group chat

but if he’s a knob in general ignore my advice

Myfabby · 28/10/2023 01:33

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 01:27

Only you can answer if this is a relationship ender……..if I read this on my partners chats it wouldn’t bother me cos after 13 years I don’t doubt his love and loyalty to me and my son (his stepson)

but would he write something like that……..maybe - to make light to some
of his friends that try to wind him up for being “under the thumb” or when he’s drunk and trying to be cheeky and mouthy…..my partner has a massive social circle who he’s had longer than me and im friends with them
too now so I know a comment like that wouldnt be meant to be derogatory or belittle me but a joke at best and at worst……

does he love you? Make you and
your family feel loved and special - if so don’t ruin it over a lads group chat

but if he’s a knob in general ignore my advice

You would read a text that calls you a pussy and be ok?

Don't ruin it over a lads group chat?

I'm sorry but you have seriously low standards.

Gingercreams · 28/10/2023 01:45

As a a non-English person, I thought it meant that she wasn't much to talk to but the sex was good!

It's so juvenile. Actually I have sons in their twenties and I can't imagine them saying this. Or my husband - I have access to his phone and email. My eldest who is a post-graduate student told me how grubby their lecturer is and how he tells the same crass sexist joke to all his classes. For various good reasons, which I won't go into, nobody is reporting him. Nobody likes the lecturer or thinks he is cool or hip or anything good.

If he really cared for you he wouldn't have risked you seeing that.

Honestly, his mates think you could find somebody better. I think they are right.

Milarky · 28/10/2023 01:48

Dear god the women on here that think it's acceptable and that's how men talk. Yes indeed some men do talk like that!

But nobody I want me or my daughter to be anywhere near.

If I read that it would be the end. Right there and then! I'd be more likely to forgive an affair than being talked about like that.

Minimised to just a bit of pussy. I'm enraged and upset at the same time about these replies.

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 01:50

He didn’t call her a pussy, he said “get pussy” as in get laid…..honestly no it wouldn’t bother me…….I talk and rant and make jokes to my friends, most of who
are wives/partners to his friends………surely
it matters more that’s he’s a great partner to me, amazing stepdad to my son, a hard worker with a successful business - that’s why I said only they know if it’s enough to end a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️ the bigger picture matters here

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 01:55

“This” 🙌

Gingercreams · 28/10/2023 01:55

I'm astonished at how low some people's standards are. I don't talk and make unpleasant jokes to my friends about my husband. That would be disloyal. I might I suppose discuss a problem with a close friend but that's different to the situation here.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 28/10/2023 02:01

HAHA! I would hate reading that but a lot of blokes probably do think similar but maybe in different vocabulary!

Also he might have been being laddish .... even at 45... still could be a manchild.

Louise303 · 28/10/2023 02:07

I think this fella is forgetting his age he is not a lad old enough to be a grandfather and totally disrespectful to you.

DoughnutDreams · 28/10/2023 02:16

That is utterly disrespectful.

Tell him he chatted shit; your pussy dried up ...

Hibiscrubbed · 28/10/2023 02:36

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 23:05

I know he thinks I'm overreacting but at this stage of my life I just want a decent guy.
Don't have any pre-requirements of looks/jobs/ etc I just don't want a sexist pig.

Good for you. Don’t settle for the bare minimum from a 40-something wannabe lad baby.

readbooksdrinktea · 28/10/2023 02:39

Kittensat36 · 27/10/2023 22:33

I was dumped by email once. It was horrible, heartbreaking and gut wrenchingly painful.

You should totally dump him by text.

May I suggest "Chat's shit. No more pussy." Then block him every where.

This is appropriate. He needs to go. Tool.

Lucy377 · 28/10/2023 02:41

Why do you drive over to his house all the time?

SequentialAnalyst · 28/10/2023 02:52

You have encountered what I call a Toddler Group, men together. I have come across two or three of these in my time (am ancient) because I tend to make friends more easily with men. I have even had relationships with a couple of Toddler Group members (two different groups). One was a non-starter because of the general underlying attitude (probably unconcious on their part), one was a Lovely Man and so were his friends. Didn't stop them tending to talk over me, etc but they were all good blokes in their way, and LM and I were very happy. We were old when we got together though, and knew we were both lone wolf types at heart, so we knew we were never going to live together.

RantyAnty · 28/10/2023 02:53

He's just using you.

The things you say he does that are nice are scraping the bottom bare minimum.

Dump the nasty old man who talks like a 13 year old

HappiDaze · 28/10/2023 02:59

Your relationship has clearly run its course OP

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 28/10/2023 03:20

That is gross and he is disrespecting you and either say he just has to bullshit you to get laid or you chat shit. You deserve better and I would be telling him it is over as he is not what you want in a man for the way he talks about you and has not got your back, would seriously turn me off of him. Enjoy some time being single and set your sights higher next time as he does not deserve a good woman or any woman with this kind of potty mouth. Gives me the ick. Do not let him sweet talk his way back into your affections as you also said he does not give you what you want in a relationship and that is not going to change anytime soon but get worse.

Pocodaku · 28/10/2023 03:27

Just gross. What @Kittensat36 suggested is the perfect response.