Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to end things over this text?

256 replies

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:22

Been with boyfriend a year and a half.
Both have dc and live separately which I think suits us both. I can't Imagine blending families.
I feel we have a nice balance seeing each other once or twice a week.

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option.

We've been on a night out tonight and I've seen his lads WhatsApp group (fyi they're all on their mid 40s) and someone has said on there 'ffs how is she with you -' and he'd replied 'chat shit, get Pussy' , I mean is that not horrible, be bad enough from a 25 year old but a 45 year old after 18 months of being together. (I'm about 6 years younger if that makes any difference to the scenario).

I've felt a lot that there's not enough affection, love etc but he's made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that. And I've only brought that up 3 times in a year and a half including tonight and nothings changed.

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 28/10/2023 00:01

LadyMary I absolutely agree a lot of men talk that way. But do we need that man to be in our life? Does it matter if we end up with no men?

Relationships are bloody hard work IMHO. if you're going to be in one, why tolerate that type of guy?

OP said she feels lack of love and affection. Now she knows why.

Blueink · 28/10/2023 00:03

It seems like the message was your confirmation. He doesn’t meet your emotional needs and manipulates to get what he wants. He doesn’t respect you (or likely women in general).

He’s a time waster and not worth the effort you’ve been putting in. Better to find out now and cut your losses.

user1456882310 · 28/10/2023 00:03

I doubt he will ever really support encourage or hold you up and the longer you stay the longer you'll be exposed to this insidious damaging narrative. GET OUT

Witchesdontburn · 28/10/2023 00:07

It doesn’t sound like he thinks you’re that bright. He definitely seems to think he can easily manipulate you into bed with a few fancy words and some nice biscuits. Oh and have a free dog sitter.

Boomboom22 · 28/10/2023 00:08

Having seen the ref above its even clearer he is saying his mate is talking shit about him, not about chatting shit to you. People are being too literal.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 28/10/2023 00:09

craigth162 · 27/10/2023 22:27

I took it as he was saying her chat to him is shit but he gets pussy. Sounds like thats all he wants.

Maybe he needs to clarify!

Show quote history

I read it the same way as you @craigth162, but even if he meant that all he needs to do is chat shit 'at' the OP (presumably meaning he tells her he loves her etc, when he doesn't really), then both are absolutely horrible, and in either case @DoYouAgree will probably be doing herself a massive favour if she gets rid of him asap!

Grendell · 28/10/2023 00:10

If you only see him once or twice a week and you are the one always driving to him and it has only been 1.5 years - and setting aside that text - just end it. It's chipping away at your self worth.

Myfabby · 28/10/2023 00:11

trainboundfornowhere · 27/10/2023 23:12

Mentioned this to DH (41) and he said ignore at the moment as guys talk nonsense with their mates. Wait till he’s sober and confront him then. Check him at a later date and hear what he has to say. 40 year olds are still children who talk bravado with their mates. It doesn’t mean you don’t get rid but you need a straight answer from the child first.

yes, we really needed your DH's input. Because it is men who need to tell us whether something so obviously inappropriate and misogynistic should offend

Such low standards everywhere! ugh.

Boomboom22 · 28/10/2023 00:11

No. Again. It means

Insult from mate, you are so ugly your gf is hot
Him oi stop chatting shit about how ugly I am or I will beat you up

momtoboys · 28/10/2023 00:15

You can do better. You deserve better.

Myfabby · 28/10/2023 00:17

Boomboom22 · 28/10/2023 00:11

No. Again. It means

Insult from mate, you are so ugly your gf is hot
Him oi stop chatting shit about how ugly I am or I will beat you up

No. Again. It doesn't.

That's chat shit, get banged.

Where in this world is pussy synonymous with a beating?

Gabiabbi · 28/10/2023 00:18

His reply doesn't mean that though @Boomboom22

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 28/10/2023 00:19

Boomboom22 · 28/10/2023 00:11

No. Again. It means

Insult from mate, you are so ugly your gf is hot
Him oi stop chatting shit about how ugly I am or I will beat you up

It really doesn't

Get rid OP. He isn't respectful enough to be with any woman.

sandyhappypeople · 28/10/2023 00:19

DesparatePragmatist · 27/10/2023 23:03

I would translate it thusly:

Mate: wow, how is someone like you with someone like her?

Partner: if you have the gift of the gab you can overcome not being the most handsome chap and win the fair lady

So I wouldn't dump him over it - but I would ask him to grow up and remember you're his partner and someone not to objectify.

Unless you want to break up with him anyway, in which case, go right ahead

the above is what it means.. but in a crass shorthand way.

The fact that he was messaging that while sat next to you at a bar however would be enough to bin him off, why is he on his phone messaging his mates while he's supposed to be out with you?

You've obviously got reservations about his lack of affection, and lack of priorities when it comes to your relationship, and to be honest that message just confirms that he's got problems with tenderness and warmth so if that's a deal breaker for you (like it would be a lot of women) then you don't need a reason to get rid.

Lizzieregina · 28/10/2023 00:30

If he was 17 I’d slap him upside the head and tell him to grow the fuck up.

At 45 - bin time.

Referring to a female companion as “pussy” is so demeaning and disrespectful.

LaurieStrode · 28/10/2023 00:32

I'd rather be alone than be with an immature sexist pig. Why is he on a "lad's chat" anyway? None of the grown men I know need anything like that.

Get rid of him and find someone who respects women and respects you. Do you really want to be classified as "pussy" at this stage of your life? Can you imagine having sex with him now and wondering if "it's just pussy I earned by chatting" is going through his mind.

Bin. No loss.

WearyAuldWumman · 28/10/2023 00:34

His message was unacceptable. You don't need to let yourself be disrespected like that.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/10/2023 00:37

It’s a hateful, derogatory, sexist, misogynistic comment about you, the woman he is supposed to love and respect.

Immediately end it. He’s not who you want. No one would want that.

Thedogscollar · 28/10/2023 00:39

YANBU at all.
Get rid of this disrespectful excuse for a man.

Escapetofrance · 28/10/2023 00:40

You sound full of doubt about him and if anyone said this about me, I wouldn’t stay with them. Know your worth. You deserve better.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/10/2023 00:43

And he’s not just sexist, and women hating in this comment - he’s…feeble minded, and swayed by ‘the group’ and ‘the lads’. He doesn’t have a moral centre of his own.

In a different social setting he would be a man doing horrific things to women in the name of war - because he would get swept up with the group, he would have no moral centre to withstand that.

I know it’s an intense comparison but it feels very relevant, particularly now.

CallieQ · 28/10/2023 00:44

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

YANBU that message is horrible
I would

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/10/2023 00:47

By chat shit, I thought he meant I tell her what she wants to hear.

Humblebottomous · 28/10/2023 00:54

Ughh. He is a dog.

What the f*#k is wrong with men nowadays???

WhichEllie · 28/10/2023 00:57

I can’t believe that people are saying that because he means it in general, that makes it okay.

No. It doesn’t. Whether he means that he chats shit to “get pussy” in general or he chats shit specifically to keep the OP around is irrelevant. It is a vile, misogynistic thing to say either way and shows a lack of respect for women. It’s unforgivable in a 45 year-old man with children.

To quote an American coworker of mine: Put that man back in the trash where he belongs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread