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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to end things over this text?

256 replies

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:22

Been with boyfriend a year and a half.
Both have dc and live separately which I think suits us both. I can't Imagine blending families.
I feel we have a nice balance seeing each other once or twice a week.

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option.

We've been on a night out tonight and I've seen his lads WhatsApp group (fyi they're all on their mid 40s) and someone has said on there 'ffs how is she with you -' and he'd replied 'chat shit, get Pussy' , I mean is that not horrible, be bad enough from a 25 year old but a 45 year old after 18 months of being together. (I'm about 6 years younger if that makes any difference to the scenario).

I've felt a lot that there's not enough affection, love etc but he's made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that. And I've only brought that up 3 times in a year and a half including tonight and nothings changed.

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 23:05

I know he thinks I'm overreacting but at this stage of my life I just want a decent guy.
Don't have any pre-requirements of looks/jobs/ etc I just don't want a sexist pig.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 27/10/2023 23:07

Yeah exactly. He could have told his mate to jokingly do one instead of choosing to refer to you as pussy that can be manipulated with any old chat. It’s just a bit pathetic isn’t it. If you aren’t that invested then I think it would be wise to move on. He doesn’t sound like he has much to offer.

WordOfTheDay · 27/10/2023 23:09

I would translate it:

Mate: wow, how is someone like you with someone like her?

Partner: I tell her a load of bollocks (lies)/whatever she wants to hear so that I get to fuck her.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 23:10

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 23:05

I know he thinks I'm overreacting but at this stage of my life I just want a decent guy.
Don't have any pre-requirements of looks/jobs/ etc I just don't want a sexist pig.

What have you decided to do then? Doesn't sound like you're a woman he's in love with, that's for sure

BardRelic · 27/10/2023 23:10

I thought this guy was different in lots of ways but I suppose my gut has kept cropping up to be wary and I've been shoving it down. Even though I know you should ultimately trust your gut feelings but after divorce and break ups I know that I haven't always trusted my feelings.

No, listen to that listen voice that's saying he's not right. I bet if you piece together all those instances, they'll form a picture of a really unpleasant person. Just end it.

43ontherocksporfavor · 27/10/2023 23:11

Yanbu

trainboundfornowhere · 27/10/2023 23:12

Mentioned this to DH (41) and he said ignore at the moment as guys talk nonsense with their mates. Wait till he’s sober and confront him then. Check him at a later date and hear what he has to say. 40 year olds are still children who talk bravado with their mates. It doesn’t mean you don’t get rid but you need a straight answer from the child first.

nutsnutspistachionuts · 27/10/2023 23:13

The more common slang phrase, popularised by noted philosopher Jamie Vardy, is "chat shit get banged" which unusually does not mean banged in the sexual sense but instead means "talk rubbish about me and get hit/beaten at sports/etc". OP's bf's Nabokovian wordplay references Vardy but cleverly subverts the meaning thus:

Mate: How did you manage to pull Katie?
OP BF: I talk rubbish and attract women out of my league

So in one sense it's not unflattering to OP particularly, in fact almost self-deprecating, but that's outweighed by the fact that it is unflattering to ALL women, of which OP is one, and there is no need whatsoever for OP's BF to be self-deprecating as it's already abundantly clear he's a twat.

Stupidliefromfriend · 27/10/2023 23:13

This is ridiculous. By all means dump him for being immature and crass with a rubbish sense of humour but why on earth would you take it personally? It's not! It's a stupid line they use between themselves obviously. And yes they clearly think he's punching with you.

Rockschooldropout · 27/10/2023 23:15

My vagina would have shrivelled up reading that message …
. Instant ick . Referring to you as “pussy” disrespectful and immature

Cloverforever · 27/10/2023 23:16

Some people on here have Really low standards 😒

Fionaville · 27/10/2023 23:16

He's not a keeper. Your gut has been warning you for a reason. Trust it. I kissed my fair of frogs before I met my DH. He'd have never have talked about me like that. He treated me so well, didn't play games and showed me he loved me as much as I loved him. So I married him and we've been together for over 20 years. You know when somebody doesn't love you enough. After 18 months together, it should be obvious. Ditch him.

Antst · 27/10/2023 23:17

That text is disrespectful. It confirms (very crudely) what you already suspected, that he's with you for convenience. He clearly talks you down to his friends. This isn't fun joking, it's just nasty and icky.

There's nothing wrong with dumping someone because you've felt for a while that things aren't great and then he has done something off-putting. I'd lose all attraction to him after reading that text.

Toomanycaketins · 27/10/2023 23:20

sounds Like jay out of the imbetweeners. Anyone who uses that particular p word would give me instant ick.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/10/2023 23:21

ExtraOnions · 27/10/2023 22:53

Why are you reading his messages ?

Oh yeah cos thats the issue here

Snazzysausage · 27/10/2023 23:22

That's a horrible thing to read.
I couldn't get past that so I'd send him a message saying "Chat shit,get dumped" and block.

Iknowthis1 · 27/10/2023 23:34

Don't waste any more of your time on him. You're worth more.

watcherintherye · 27/10/2023 23:36

I agree with pp that it’s probably “(if you) chat shit, (you) get pussy”. A kind of top tip for those punching above their weight, rather than ‘if I chat shit to her, she lets me have sex’. Still really crude, though!

mn29 · 27/10/2023 23:38

Yanbu, there are red flags there in your post. I couldn’t be with someone who talked about me or any woman disrespectfully like that, whether it’s ‘lads banter’ or not. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, and it’s clearly not just this one incident, although that would be enough for me.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/10/2023 23:40

nutsnutspistachionuts · 27/10/2023 23:13

The more common slang phrase, popularised by noted philosopher Jamie Vardy, is "chat shit get banged" which unusually does not mean banged in the sexual sense but instead means "talk rubbish about me and get hit/beaten at sports/etc". OP's bf's Nabokovian wordplay references Vardy but cleverly subverts the meaning thus:

Mate: How did you manage to pull Katie?
OP BF: I talk rubbish and attract women out of my league

So in one sense it's not unflattering to OP particularly, in fact almost self-deprecating, but that's outweighed by the fact that it is unflattering to ALL women, of which OP is one, and there is no need whatsoever for OP's BF to be self-deprecating as it's already abundantly clear he's a twat.

I was coming here to explain the comment too.

Jamie Vardy made the phrase "chat shit, get banged" really well-known and lots of blokes use it as jokey comebacks in many different circumstances.

It sounds to me as if it's just an off the cuff jokey comeback to the statement that you're way above his league.

I guess it would depend on whether he's generally misogynistic or disrespectful to women, or whether he's just messing around.

However, I have to say, if generally you feel as if he's not listening to what you have to say about how you're feeling and not meeting your emotional needs, he doesn't sound like a keeper - regardless of the comment.

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 23:41

He sounds like a player OP. Sad I know some men can try to act like that to their friends, but I don't think a decent man would want to.

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 27/10/2023 23:46

A LOT of men talk like this. I know that most on MN don’t want to believe that, but having spent literally decades at work and in the staff canteen with hundreds of men, this is sadly the norm at all levels, from CEO to the most junior. And as for the wives/partners who come to work functions and make a point of saying “oh my Nigel would never”…….well, Nigel is usually the dirtiest dog of all.
That of course doesn’t mean that you should accept it. I wouldn’t, it’s bloody disrespectful and this “trying to be one of the lads” gives me the ick. I would lose all respect and I can’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t respect. But it is bloody rife, irrespective of age, qualifications or life experience. It’s utterly grim, but I don’t know how you stop it.

Greenpolkadot · 27/10/2023 23:46

He;s horribly disrespectful ,,,Dump him, When he asks why,,just say
'chat, shit .get pussy,,,

blackbeardsballsack · 27/10/2023 23:52

nutsnutspistachionuts · 27/10/2023 23:13

The more common slang phrase, popularised by noted philosopher Jamie Vardy, is "chat shit get banged" which unusually does not mean banged in the sexual sense but instead means "talk rubbish about me and get hit/beaten at sports/etc". OP's bf's Nabokovian wordplay references Vardy but cleverly subverts the meaning thus:

Mate: How did you manage to pull Katie?
OP BF: I talk rubbish and attract women out of my league

So in one sense it's not unflattering to OP particularly, in fact almost self-deprecating, but that's outweighed by the fact that it is unflattering to ALL women, of which OP is one, and there is no need whatsoever for OP's BF to be self-deprecating as it's already abundantly clear he's a twat.

That's exactly how I read it.

It's not exactly poetic, but I am not sure that I would be ending an 18 month relationship over it, if everything else was ok. There are many comments of a similar level of maturity in women's group chats (maybe they aren't mumsnetters)

BrimfulOfMash · 27/10/2023 23:58

I think he was saying to his friend “you are talking rubbish, go and get your own girlfriend “ in cringey fake patois.

I would ignore the text but consider how it has focussed your feelings about the relationship. Text aside, you feel a disconnect , a lack of affection, and worse when you talk about this you are made to feel needy. 18m in is that how things should be?