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Original poster

Adult children moving home

136 replies

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 11:27

Anyone struggling with readjusting to adult children moving home after Uni?

Getting up at 14:30, ditching dishes in the sink, leaving washing in the machine for days, hair all over the bathroom, eating large amounts of food.

I am done with “parenting” someone and was enjoying living alone 🙈🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:
00100001 · 28/10/2023 11:39

Gerrataere · 28/10/2023 09:07

It’s the sons fault he’s autistic and seems to be struggling with executive functioning? Lots of interesting words to describe an autistic person here… oh I know you’ll come back and say ‘being autistic doesn’t mean he should be lazy’, but the ignorance is still astounding.

Show quote history

Well, seeing as his own mother who actually knows him, is saying he's being a slob and it's fuck all to do with his autism.... I think she'd know better.

Also, autism isn't an excuse to be filthy.

bullseyeboat · 28/10/2023 11:53

Well, seeing as his own mother who actually knows him, is saying he's being a slob and it's fuck all to do with his autism.... I think she'd know better.

The same mother that doesn't recognise autism as a disability and despite working in the field has her own views about it. Sure.

The ableism on this thread, depressing, tedious and totally predictable from the minute autism was mentioned.

00100001 · 28/10/2023 15:59

Ok. You know her child better than she does. Well done for being a magical all knowing and seeing expert.

Gillypie23 · 29/10/2023 07:41

The problem is treating your home like student digs. Lay some ground rules which they have to respect. Instead of getting up at 2.30, they should be looking for a job.

TrustyRusty68 · 29/10/2023 07:44

Sounds like the problem isn’t them living with you, it’s the way they live.
perhaps it’s time for some tough love - you’re happy for them to live with you but they need to shape up or ship out!

Littlebitpsycho · 29/10/2023 07:57

If he himself refused to complete the diagnosis process, then of course he won't be given allowances! Without a diagnosis there is no proof that he isn't just being a lazy slob!

If he had engaged with the process and got a diagnosis then he would be entitled to allowances and support.

This is entirely on him, nothing to do with OPs parenting and frankly, yes she CAN tell him when to get up, and to wash the dishes when she wants him to - it's her house! If he doesn't like it, then he can always move out can't he?

BackAgainstWall · 29/10/2023 08:02

YADNBU

It’s not on you that he lives like that. Some people just do and always will.

It doesn’t matter how many thousands of hours you have tried to tell him, train him, help him or appeal to his better nature.

It’s utterly draining and I’m definitely with you on this 😂💐

Duechristmas · 29/10/2023 08:13

Set new ground rules.
I would never refuse my child moving back but we would have very definite ground rules as I do with my adult child who hasn't left yet

Duechristmas · 29/10/2023 08:18

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:49

He and his gf were together for 6 years and lived at uni together and the plan was to save some money by both living with parents for a while as she wants to do a PHD but about a month ago it emerged that they have split up, but he doesn’t want to discuss it with me (or his dad).

It's he depressed? He might need some support to crawl out of that hole, alongside some boundaries for what's ok and not ok.

Tumbleweed101 · 29/10/2023 08:22

Adult children are tricky to live with. My 23yo still thinks she can have a full time job and not pay towards the house because she is saving. We had to sit down and have a big chat about it all. She is paying more now although not happy about it but I gave her a couple years after she first started full time work to get some savings away. It's not looking like she is moving out soon and I can't subsidise someone earning more than me forever.

The other problem is I never know if she is home to eat so end up making more than needed and wasting food. I have asked her to tell me but she doesn't always think to.

Fr00tL00ps · 29/10/2023 08:29

Littlebitpsycho

How lovely. A young person taking on a disability label for life is a massive thing. Many young people with autism struggle to accept it and there is no support to help them to do so.

Op was told he’d be diagnosed autistic so like
many prior to a diagnosis he is autistic. Autism is a protected disability for a reason, it impacts life hugely. Struggling with tidiness, organisation, cleanliness and overwhelm is common as is changing environments. You can’t just flick a switch and do what is needed. Ordering and commanding is exactly the wrong thing to do to help manage it. If you could just switch off difficulties autism wouldn’t be the protected disability that it is. It may well be that he has undiagnosed adhd too as they often overlap. The overwhelm is crippling when you’re just trying to function.

Maybe try to focus on your child’s positive attributes op. He has got himself through uni which would have been incredibly hard with neurodiversity in the mix. Neurodiverse young people don’t choose to have their disability and every day is a struggle. Many struggle with mental health too. It’s tough parenting neurodiversity but it is what it is.

Fr00tL00ps · 29/10/2023 08:30

And he is handling a big break up too. Cut him some slack and yes keep your eye out for depression. It can be common with neurodiversity too.

IndigoLaFaye · 29/10/2023 08:36

That doesn’t mean he isn’t disabled. Sorry OP but you have a weird take on Autism and supporting your son. If he didn’t go through the full process he may also have ADHD which makes all of these things even harder.

If he isn’t even supported at home how is he going to learn to cope outside? Home should be a safe space to be yourself. That doesn’t mean behave in considerately but it does mean working together to implement strategies for living in a way you are both happy with. Not just being nagged at for things he has no hope in hell of doing successfully in an NT way.

IndigoLaFaye · 29/10/2023 08:38

Yeah that tells me everything I need to know… Jeez

Naunet · 29/10/2023 08:51

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

FFS, what a stupid, ignorant reply.

Feraldogmum · 29/10/2023 08:58

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

Talk about self entitled, grow up take some responsibility.

UggyPow · 29/10/2023 09:44

Okayyyy so there is a remarkable lack of understanding by some about Asc on this post.
For example, washing my child just doesn't understand the need, the time wasted, he forgets, needs constant reminders. He often can't as he can't tolerate the noise of the water, the feel of it on his skin, he can't find the right towel or it isn't the right time of day. He wants to put on the same clothes after as they are comfy & the clean ones don't feel right today or he wants you to wash them immediately so he can have them straight back.
Op your son is obviously able to function better day to day than mine, but have you considered that rubbish in his room might be part of a comfort that he needs?
Or that he can't put the plate in the dish washer because other people's plates are in there? Some days my son can rinse his plates but others he can't & he can't if someone else has left something in the sink. Just some possibilities or things to consider. I hope you find a solution that works for both of you

DottyLottieLou · 29/10/2023 10:41

Switch the WiFi off, stick his wet clothes on the floor, don't buy food he likes. Tell him when he can behave like an adult he'll be treated like one. Charge him rent which he pays or the heating goes off. Can't afford it? Get a job, any job.

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2023 10:56

Perhaps encorage him to get a full time job, let him save up for a year before moving out. He could rent a room or bedsit by himself. Might teach him to be more tidy. The more you do for him, the more he will expect. I would have asked him to bring down his plates/mugs and wash them all.

gotomomo · 29/10/2023 11:22

My suggestion is to have his own things like an airer, dsd has a cupboard for her personal food and strictish rules over informing us re eating dinner with us, overnight guests and meals for them, letting us know if she will be home etc. she is neurodiverse so rules are important to establish boundaries we can all live with

alwaysmovingforwards · 29/10/2023 11:47

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

Lol you're miles out and demonstrated a comprehensive misunderstanding of U.K. party politics ... but you've obviously picked up some soundbites from the less educated corners of social media that fit your narrative, so I guess at least you're trying 😂😂

Pugdays · 29/10/2023 11:58

It's heritary, autism ...so many young people struggling with autism. ,and then you hear about inflexible parents incapable of helping them
Hummm ,wonder where his autism comes from op .

Pugdays · 29/10/2023 12:03

Hereditary,even

Anothenamechange · 29/10/2023 12:37

Actually, you have no idea of why her son has lived home. It could be nothing to do with affordable housing or lack of.

BigBoysDontCry · 29/10/2023 13:13

Both my DC are neuro diverse. One officially diagnosed at 17. The other was resistant until he finished uni and his communication and social anxiety made finding a job impossible. He was diagnosed privately at 22.

However it does make you look at yourself and their dad and it explains a lot....