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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children moving home

136 replies

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 11:27

Anyone struggling with readjusting to adult children moving home after Uni?

Getting up at 14:30, ditching dishes in the sink, leaving washing in the machine for days, hair all over the bathroom, eating large amounts of food.

I am done with “parenting” someone and was enjoying living alone 🙈🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:03

The agreement is that he buys his own food. But then he also eats huge amounts of cheese and eggs and ends up eating mine and I don’t eat a lot of these things so end up buying double what I would usually use.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 27/10/2023 13:07

Huh? Under Labour many of us lived at home after uni. I turned 18 in 2000. People really have bizarre perceptions of things.

honestly, if my dc was messing up the house and leaving dishes etc I would lose my shit and maybe threaten a tent in the garden.

BigBoysDontCry · 27/10/2023 13:08

I have one aged 23 who never left and potentially 22 year old arriving back in the summer next year.

Definitely ground rules need to be established, explain you don't want to nag...

As for politics, I bought my first flat age 18 (working, no uni) in 1984 after nearly 10 years of tory rule so I'm not quite sure if it's party political, economic or people specific. Was brought up labour voting but will now vote for whoever will keep out the SNP so no axe to grind.

There are lots of factors involved and these will vary depending on location too, but one thing I have noticed is that often ftb want more than we did. We were happy to get a small flat in a dodgy area and work our way up, I appreciate buying/selling costs will make people reluctant. Also I think we have spoiled our DC to be used to being able to have gadgets and takeaways etc whereas I had nothing new and lived on pasta with butter a lot.

Obviously all that is a bit clichéd and not applicable to all.

I do really feel for folk trying their hardest and getting nowhere.

ElevenSeven · 27/10/2023 13:09

Huh? Under Labour many of us lived at home after uni. I turned 18 in 2000. People really have bizarre perceptions of things.

I’m quite looking forward to Labour getting in, and Britain becoming a utopia again, according to some posters.

OP - Yanbu, read him the riot act.

Whalewatchers · 27/10/2023 13:09

Give them 4 months to get a job and a year to save up some money, then, see ya!

Whalewatchers · 27/10/2023 13:10

Do people think life under Labour would be any better 😂😂😂 do people not remember Tony Blair?!

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:20

This thread wasn’t remotely about politics 😏

OP posts:
Whalewatchers · 27/10/2023 13:25

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:20

This thread wasn’t remotely about politics 😏

Oops! Sorry! :-)

a conversation about what you expect (can be in terms of respect/chores/money) needs to be had and if there's any grumbling, then the line "well, if you think there's somewhere better to go, be my guest" with a big smile, could be used 😁

FrenchandSaunders · 27/10/2023 13:27

It is tricky to readjust when they return. What is his plan for work in the future? He needs to be doing more than 4 hours per day.

Decide what bothers you the most. I don't care what time my DDs get out of bed. I do care about mess being left around and unwashed dishes etc so I'd focus on that. Have a conversation about the food, not eating all yours etc.

Cellotapedispenser · 27/10/2023 13:29

OP ignore the shouty teen on this thread. I read something a while back about how social media has broken the generation bubbles or lines. It used to be that teens teened and mid life people mid lifed etc. Now teens feel they can give their view to everyone and it's as valid as anyone's despite the lack of life experience. I remember really really thinking I knew everything at 20 and the older I get the less I actually do 😀

Anyway pp have given good advice. I was going to suggest locking the main fridge and getting a small desk top one if you have space and the same with cupboards. Then getting paper plates. Not a permanent solution but one that might show him what adult shared house living looks like. I remember living in a shared house of 7 and having to keep my cheese in a bag hanging out of my window to stop the cheeky feckers stealing. It wasn't all roses sharing a house and he should realise how good he's got it.

BigBoysDontCry · 27/10/2023 13:31

I think there is also a bit of maybe fussing over them a bit when they were back from uni for visits (I'm definitely guilty of that) so that their expectations are maybe too high.

BigBoysDontCry · 27/10/2023 13:36

Neither of mine are neurotypical but they are also different to each other.

Elder is autistic and needs very specific instructions so he has a checklist of what he is supposed to do when, he still needs reminders and gets thrown from time to time.

Younger is dyspraxic (diagnosed) and probably adhd (undiagnosed).

He just needs chivved along as a checklist would be lost/destroyed/forgotten about.

Neriah · 27/10/2023 13:37

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

This particular "older generation", like everyone she knows, did not vote EVER for that particular party. This particular "older generation" also grew up in poverty and had to earn every bloody thing she has ever had, which meant that she didn't get the luxury of deciding to stay in bed until the middle of the afternoon, because she had to work her way through university (even with grants) and every bloody year since. This particular "older generation" also didn't get to think that her parents were my personal slaves - if I'd acted like this posters children at the age of 6, never mind in my 20's, my thinking would have very quickly been corrected.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:38

I just went into his room to ask him to bring his crockery down as I want to wash up and his room has plates, cups and rubbish in there and I know I will wash up for him then to ditch his piles of crockery him the clean side and he’s asleep and angry and grumpy. It’s 13:30 not 07:30.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:39

I think I am sad that I am being forced back into “parenting” him and I don’t want to.

OP posts:
NecklessMumster · 27/10/2023 13:43

Im struggling a bit with this too. DS worked initially at a MW job to save for a rent deposit after leaving uni. Then he stopped as the 12 hour shifts left him too tired to look for a graduate job 🙄 Now he says hes looking and is on 2nd and 3rd level of application processes .But I only have his word for this. He goes out late and gets up mid morning. He doesnt leave a mess, well his room is but i leave that to him. He vacuums etc when I ask. But not off his own bat. It's the minor irritations... wet bathmat, hair in plughole, worrying if he's ok out late. I cant decide what is reasonable, I was a slob at that age and I didnt want my mum to know anything about my life. Just get a job sooooon.

BigBoysDontCry · 27/10/2023 13:43

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:39

I think I am sad that I am being forced back into “parenting” him and I don’t want to.

I get that. He managed to be an adult while he was away and now behaving like a teenager.

Is he still with his girlfriend he was living with? DS2 been living with his for 3 years so wondering how that's going to work re moving home after uni.

bullseyeboat · 27/10/2023 13:45

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:39

I think I am sad that I am being forced back into “parenting” him and I don’t want to.

He is your disabled adult child and needs support.

AbbieLexie · 27/10/2023 13:47

I feel your pain today! Unfortunately I don't have any solutions. She does have a plan so I know its not forever.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:49

He and his gf were together for 6 years and lived at uni together and the plan was to save some money by both living with parents for a while as she wants to do a PHD but about a month ago it emerged that they have split up, but he doesn’t want to discuss it with me (or his dad).

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 27/10/2023 13:50

@Antst bore off. This is about the OP's situation not our housing stock.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:51

He isn’t disabled. He chose not to complete the diagnosis process as he didn’t want to be “labelled”. He would have easily been diagnosed though, Dr told me so herself. But officially he is not disabled.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 27/10/2023 13:53

My youngest moved out into his own house about 2 months ago. He comes home to see us each week, I notice it's on lasagne night, Wednesdays. He also sometimes pops over to tumble dry his clothes as he hasn't got a tumble dryer yet. He comes over on a Friday occasionally to have a takeaway with us which DH kindly pays for. I love having him back even if only for 2-3 hours. I often bake some cakes for him to take home with him. If he made any kind of mess he'd clean it up after himself.

CloudPop · 27/10/2023 13:58

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:39

I think I am sad that I am being forced back into “parenting” him and I don’t want to.

I think that is entirely understandable. I can completely sympathise

Tryanotheruser901 · 27/10/2023 13:59

I hear you @TheSlowRush I've had adult children coming and going for similar reasons. It's tough just getting your house back then boom! Them and all their clutter.

I can only suggest reminding him that he's and adult and setting out your expectations. It is hard. We have always said that we will be a safe place for them, but actively encourage* *them find alternative digs.

And DH and I know all about poverty, and struggling to cope with mortgages doubling overnight (looking at you, 1989!) So we help our young ones as often and as well as we can)