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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children moving home

136 replies

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 11:27

Anyone struggling with readjusting to adult children moving home after Uni?

Getting up at 14:30, ditching dishes in the sink, leaving washing in the machine for days, hair all over the bathroom, eating large amounts of food.

I am done with “parenting” someone and was enjoying living alone 🙈🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 27/10/2023 12:10

Iwantmyoldnameback · 27/10/2023 11:52

Even the mighty boomers didn't tend to buy a property straight from Uni, the few that actually went that is.
Most stayed at home until they got married.

Show quote history

Once the evil boomers did marry they were often forced to live with one set of parents until they afford to move into their own place, where they usually started off with a house full of hand-me-down furniture for a few years. Despite the simpletons' view, it was never a bed of roses, 16% mortgage interest at one time. Rather than constantly bleating into their prosecco many need to accept that times change, as they indeed did for boomers compared to their families, 'twas ever so.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 12:12

He has a job buys it’s only 4 hours a day, he is contributing financially and he does his own washing. But does things like puts his wet clothes over mine on the airer (he has ASD but this has never been allowed to be used as an excuse for behaviour like this).

He lived with his gf for 2 yrs at uni and as far as I could see they were both as bad as each other for living like this.

I have asked him to have a 6 month plan for what he wants to do (mainly for his own MH) which he has tried to do.

OP posts:
Lavenderosa · 27/10/2023 12:13

OhComeOnFFS · 27/10/2023 12:06

I think you have to sit him down and say, "This isn't working out for me. I'm used to living on my own and have a lovely home. Now you've come back and you are making me hate my own home. Of course you're welcome to stay but if you make me unhappy here then you'll have to leave. That means cleaning up after yourself - to my standards - contributing towards bills, not eating everything in the fridge that I have bought, and getting up first thing in the morning. If you can't do that you'll have to find your own place. Good luck with that."

This - with bells on.

ACynicalDad · 27/10/2023 12:18

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

If they are getting up at 14:30 then they can't blame the government yet. Also who ever got a house straight out of Uni? You've missed the point.

DragonFly98 · 27/10/2023 12:20

OhComeOnFFS · 27/10/2023 12:06

I think you have to sit him down and say, "This isn't working out for me. I'm used to living on my own and have a lovely home. Now you've come back and you are making me hate my own home. Of course you're welcome to stay but if you make me unhappy here then you'll have to leave. That means cleaning up after yourself - to my standards - contributing towards bills, not eating everything in the fridge that I have bought, and getting up first thing in the morning. If you can't do that you'll have to find your own place. Good luck with that."

You can't tell am adult what time they need to get up!

DragonFly98 · 27/10/2023 12:21

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 12:12

He has a job buys it’s only 4 hours a day, he is contributing financially and he does his own washing. But does things like puts his wet clothes over mine on the airer (he has ASD but this has never been allowed to be used as an excuse for behaviour like this).

He lived with his gf for 2 yrs at uni and as far as I could see they were both as bad as each other for living like this.

I have asked him to have a 6 month plan for what he wants to do (mainly for his own MH) which he has tried to do.

Massive drip feed there , it's not an excuse it could very well be the reason though.

Anyotherdude · 27/10/2023 12:21

Antst · Today 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

Welp, if you look at the stats, the biggest price rise was between 2002 and 2007. Prices dropped then until 2009 and have been rising ever since, with prices equal to those in 2007 being achieved in 2022…
So who was in charge between 2002 and 2007? Do remind me

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 12:21

The eating food comment cracked me up!! How dare they 🤣

Gerrataere · 27/10/2023 12:21

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 12:12

He has a job buys it’s only 4 hours a day, he is contributing financially and he does his own washing. But does things like puts his wet clothes over mine on the airer (he has ASD but this has never been allowed to be used as an excuse for behaviour like this).

He lived with his gf for 2 yrs at uni and as far as I could see they were both as bad as each other for living like this.

I have asked him to have a 6 month plan for what he wants to do (mainly for his own MH) which he has tried to do.

ASD does change things - not that it means he’s allowed to treat your home badly but he does need more patience readjusting to being in a place where he’s expected to take responsibility for chores. His routine meant he could let the irrelevant (to him!) tasks slide. I don’t usually agree with ‘mothering’ grown men but it may be that you have to just be continually ‘on his case’ until he realises that adults either have to pull their weight or they don’t get to live with other people.

VeridicalVagabond · 27/10/2023 12:22

Wild idea but can everyone just ignore the derailing idiot and stop fuelling their little political fire and actually provide some constructive advice to the OP instead?

OP I think you need to treat him like the adult he is - and like a housemate - and sit down with him and be a bit brutal if previous talks have fallen on deaf ears. What @OhComeOnFFS said is good! He needs a bit of a wake up call.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 12:26

The ASD thing wasn’t a drip feed at all. I fully understand the mechanics of ASD having brought him up, I just have always been of the view that he has to fit in with a world built for neuro typical people no one is gonna to make allowances for him in the world.

I have allowed him to readjust, for 3 months! 🙈🤣

OP posts:
Anyotherdude · 27/10/2023 12:26

Sorry, @VeridicalVagabond
I clicked Post instead of preview🙈
I have 2 adult DC at home. I’ve broken down the chores so we all (4) do 2 a day. DC pay keep - they have to work to be able to live under our roof!

Highlyflavouredgravy · 27/10/2023 12:33

Why does it matter how the parent voted?
I am a parent of a newly returned home adult child.
Have voted Labour all my life . Have been on protest marches, am a trade union member, am NOT a boomer as that would make me in ny 70s.

None of it is relevant to the fact that it is inconsiderate of an another adult to throw wet towels on the floor!

Gerrataere · 27/10/2023 12:34

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 12:26

The ASD thing wasn’t a drip feed at all. I fully understand the mechanics of ASD having brought him up, I just have always been of the view that he has to fit in with a world built for neuro typical people no one is gonna to make allowances for him in the world.

I have allowed him to readjust, for 3 months! 🙈🤣

Yes but he ‘readjusted’ his way of living over years of being at university, it’s not as simple as ‘three months to get back to reality’. I have two autistic children so I’m really not trying to preach to the choir here, but his mindset is now ‘I can live as I please’. Telling an autistic person they must fit in to the social norms isn’t going to help much, eventually he will burn out from expectation and you may well find yourself being a carer for him long term.

I think that you both need to come back to step one, rebuild the expectations of the household. You both need to reevaluate reality - for him what the basics are to be an adult looking after themselves. For you, remembering that changes in lifestyle can be difficult for someone with autism to readjust to when they have been living in their comfortable ‘bubble’ for the last couple of years.

Birch101 · 27/10/2023 12:35

Tell them get a job and live in a shared house like other adults

Gerrataere · 27/10/2023 12:36

Highlyflavouredgravy · 27/10/2023 12:33

Why does it matter how the parent voted?
I am a parent of a newly returned home adult child.
Have voted Labour all my life . Have been on protest marches, am a trade union member, am NOT a boomer as that would make me in ny 70s.

None of it is relevant to the fact that it is inconsiderate of an another adult to throw wet towels on the floor!

That poster you’re replying to seems to have wandered away from Twitter/Tumblr and has been giving very ‘I hate all adults’ rants on several threads. As a PP said, they’re not worth the attention.

bullseyeboat · 27/10/2023 12:37

I just have always been of the view that he has to fit in with a world built for neuro typical people no one is gonna to make allowances for him in the world.

Really?

He is disabled, so actually allowances can and should be made.

Perhaps he needs some support in advocating for adjustments rather then an expectation he needs to 'fit' Sad

WhereDoYouGo1 · 27/10/2023 12:39

Where is his girlfriend now? Can they get a place together?

MindIfISlytherin · 27/10/2023 12:50

How come he's only working 4 hours a day - aren't most graduates in full-time jobs by October?

I completely get that he needs to be able to operate in a neurotypical world. However, the amount of energy that it takes for someone with ASD to do this is intense. Home needs to be somewhere that he can unmask and unwind - he can't continue masking 24/7, so I think maybe you need to ease your expectations a bit there. If that won't work for you, then I don't think this living arrangement will work, so other options need to be considered.

ElevenSeven · 27/10/2023 12:52

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

What has this got to do with them behaving like ignorant slobs?

BrightLightTonight · 27/10/2023 12:52

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:49

Sorry it's so tiresome to point out that they probably wish they could afford their own housing.

Show quote history

Maybe if these “adults” actually got out of bed before 14:30 they maybe could get a job and afford their own housing.

Butchyrestingface · 27/10/2023 12:53

Getting up at 14:30

Surely that part is good, at least? Grin

If they're still comatose in their kip, at least you have the place more or less to yourself until 14:30?

The rest of it - you need to establish some ground rules. I'd start with telling them to buy their own food or make a contribution to the household shop.

Itsgettingweirdnow · 27/10/2023 12:54

WOAH!! Whats going on on mumsnet?? So many hostile replies?? Op, just have a chat with your child and explain what your expectations are now they are back home. Also give them an opportunity to tell YOU what their expectations are. Then reach an agreement. As you said they are an adult, so you have to treat them as such. Good luck x

DisquietintheRanks · 27/10/2023 12:56

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:59

Politics? It just goes to show how how different the world is for people like you that you can dismiss this situation that way and the OP seems unaware of why she still has adult offspring at home.

These adults are living at home because they can't afford their own housing. This is not at all an unusual situation. It affects nearly everyone under 40. Yet here's a parent who seems confused.

Don't like it? Don't vote for it.

Show quote history

It's pretty normal not to be able to afford to buy or rent a house straight out of university and it was 30 years ago too - next move is normally a house share. And still not sure what that's hot to do with leaving dishes in the sink.

Butchyrestingface · 27/10/2023 12:58

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

Hark! Is that the sound of the world's teeniest 🎻?