Adult children moving home

[TheSlowRush]

Anyone struggling with readjusting to adult children moving home after Uni?

Getting up at 14:30, ditching dishes in the sink, leaving washing in the machine for days, hair all over the bathroom, eating large amounts of food.

I am done with “parenting” someone and was enjoying living alone 🙈🙈🙈🙈

If he has not got a diagnosis because he chose not to have a label, that would ultimately have helped him have accommodations made for him, then you are right in thinking he will have to fit in with a NT world.

Just because it’s not written on a piece of paper doesn’t stop the reality of autism. It is a disability, and choosing not to recognise that will only cause longterm issues for him and you. It’s like refusing to accept you have poor eyesight and insisting on driving an Audi, you’re eventually going to crash…

That didn't stop someone trying to derail it at the earliest opportunity.

It was his choice not to be formally diagnosed. If I ever refer to it he gets very irritated with me.

He's possibly in a low mood situation too then. That won't be helping anything either.

I think getting some structure in place with him (easier said than done I know) will be beneficial in the long term.

I wish you both the best, I don't think it's as simple as "adult moves home and behaves like grotty teen".

a) How many times have you voted against your own interests?

b) “the older generations” don’t make up a majority of the electorate, and a good proportion of them don’t vote for “the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets” so the younger generations must accept a share of the blame.

you sound extremely bitter??????? I take it you cannot afford to buy a home for yourself?

I think you have a huge lack of understanding regarding autism.

If he would easily meet the criteria for diagnosis he also meets the definition of disabled.

So many kids/teens/young adults are being failed by this attitude

I think you are deliberately misunderstanding what I am saying tbh.

And I am confident my knowledge of my son’s individual circumstances is far greater than yours.

Your posts say otherwise.

I wasn't saying to it have a go btw, I was hopeful you would recognise his needs. If you never have it's no surprise he is struggling with the transition into independent adulthood.

I am not going to waste my time justifying myself to a stranger on the internet regarding 21 years of parenting my own child, and as to whether c I have met his needs, that in itself is highly insulting.

I have extensive knowledge of ASC and it is part of my job role to do so. That doesn’t mean that aside from that I can hold my own personal views while also towing the party line at work.

Hoof down op!

I don’t blame you and would hate this too, teens can be hard work! Extended teendom is not an attractive prospect. I would be laying down the law with consequences and booking a holiday without him!

Do you think that’s why he can’t clean his plates?

I think you may just be being sarcastic, but there is a huge difficulty with processing when you have autism. When something seems irrelevant then it will get left/not done. What seems simple and obvious to others - the dishes are dirty, they need to be cleaned sooner rather than later, it’s not a chore I enjoy but it is one that needs doing - may not be the same way an ND person sees it - I don’t enjoy washing dishes, it’s a chore, the water/sponge/liquid feels really uncomfortable, it doesn’t need doing right now, I will wash it when I next need a plate.

The op may say ‘but I don’t like dirty dishes left on the side’, the response may well be ‘I don’t see why it needs washing right now, is there a reason it needs washing this moment, if you saw the dish why didn’t you wash it as it’s bothering you not me, tell me why the dish needs washing now and not later? What difference does it make when I wash them??’. A simple request about washing up after yourself can just turn into a debate worthy of Question Time….

Because the person whose house it is would like it washed.

It's your house and he's an adult. You shouldn't have to put up with a slob in the house, dirty dishes, mucky bathroom... Whatever his reasons, no doubt there have been rules in other places eg school, libraries, shops, cinema etc about what you may and may not do. If he can abide by them (mostly) then he can do the same in your house.

Yes and for most people that is understandable. But for some people with autism, they can’t process that train of thought. They want to understand the reason why they need to do something that is (to their mind) not a necessity for the sake of someone else. It’s not lacking empathy, it’s lacking understanding of the situation and how it affects someone else. I’ve had a very long week and not sure if that is clear in how I’ve described it.

Every adult with autism is familiar with the idea of non-negotiable neurological norms. The OP's son will have spent his life doing things that he thinks are foolish and/or unnecessary because someone (and quite likely it was often the OP) said he had to. Im pretty sure he gets the idea that there are things you have to so when you live with your mum or live communally. This sounds like lad laziness.

Every adult with autism is familiar with the idea of non-negotiable neurological norms.

That is really an inaccurate statement. There are many adults with autism who do not have the capacity to comprehend ‘neurological norms’.

But not generally those who have successfully navigated three years of university. Or whose mother, who knows them, thinks they are capable of more considerate behaviour.

There is a lot of disinformation about autism. People hear ‘it’s a spectrum’ and think that it ranges from very severe to practically undetectable to an unknowing person - that the latter can go to uni/work/live alone for a while so is obviously self sufficient. It’s not the case at all. An autistic person can have high communication abilities for example but very low emotional intelligence. And learned skills can regress over time, especially if other parts of life have triggered a stress response - like losing the known routine of university or splitting with a girlfriend. Plus the op has said he wasn’t living ‘well’ when he was at university, so evidently wasn’t presenting as someone who was engaging to typical expected home keeping standards.

I am not saying that it’s fair on the OP living with someone who’s not picking up after themselves. But it is going to be hard work to get him to comprehend that he needs to do his share of housework, beyond the usual amount of patience with a neurotypical grown child who’s gone back to teen mode at home.

@TheSlowRush, I feel your pain. Both DC still here and likely to be for the foreseeable as we live in a very expensive area.

So do I @TheSlowRush and I am with you. It's so patronising to say you have a lack of understanding towards autism and your own adult child's needs. I would be really offended... my boys know what I expect in the house although they need some reminding!

I doubt she raised them to be slobs. This is a grown adult being a lazy inconsiderate dickhead because he was a slovenly guy for 3 years.

It's the SON'S fault, not the parent.

It’s the sons fault he’s autistic and seems to be struggling with executive functioning? Lots of interesting words to describe an autistic person here… oh I know you’ll come back and say ‘being autistic doesn’t mean he should be lazy’, but the ignorance is still astounding.