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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for her ticket or any part of it?

451 replies

HalfTermDayOut · 26/10/2023 12:32

Half term next week. Going to an attraction with my DD (aged 9) and my mum.

I get DLA for DD, so my ticket is free as a carers ticket (and I always spend in the gift shop/experiences while there to make up for it).

Mum invited herself to come along, so I said she’d have to pay for her own ticket.

She’s saying no, either she gets in on the carers ticket and I pay for my ticket or we split the cost of 1 adult ticket equally between us so it’s cost us both the same.

I don’t care if she comes or not, DD is not bothered if she’s there or not. She wants to come because she has serious FOMO and won’t miss out on something.

So WIBU? Me or mum?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay any part of her ticket
YABU - Split it or let her in for free and pay for yourself

OP posts:
Inertia · 26/10/2023 13:50

And @HalfTermDayOut your mother should buy her own ticket.

Thelnebriati · 26/10/2023 13:51

Say this to her;
''The whole point of the free carers ticket is not that the carer wants to go; its that the disabled person does. But they can't go out without a carer. You don't get to demand the carer split the cost of their free ticket.''

Gerrataere · 26/10/2023 13:51

Carouselfish · 26/10/2023 13:46

Sounds like you're not keen on your mum at all, in which case, you don't have to pay towards her ticket. Perhaps she isn't aware you feel like this towards her though and is expecting a more 'helping each other out' type relationship.

Whilst her mum sounds like she’s absolutely brilliant, inviting herself along to a day out and expecting someone else to pay for it. A carer for a disabled child no less, I wonder where her mum thinks she can magic the money up for what is meant to be a more accessible day out for disabled families. Poor mum, won’t anyone think of her…

Original poster
HalfTermDayOut · 26/10/2023 13:51

weirdoboelady · 26/10/2023 13:20

Do you have to pay for DD, or has she got a free ticket?

I don't actually think that your mum should get a freebie, and I think she should be discouraged from inviting herself. BUT.... if you are feeling bad about this (and you obviously are to have posted here), one compromise would be that you pay half each for one adult ticket BUT she pays half for DD to go. So she pays half an adult ticket - £17.50, plus half of your DD's ticket, £9. This means that your ticket ends up costing you £8.50, which might be worth it if you are, indeed, feeling bad.

There is NO WAY she should get away with paying half for an adult ticket and not contributing to DD's ticket. That, or the expectation of that, would make her eligible for the official CF award.

@weirdoboelady Yes I pay for DDs ticket which is £18, so it'll cost me either £53 which I can't afford or £35.50 which I could just stretch to.

OP posts:
Lakeyloo · 26/10/2023 13:52

BitofaStramash · 26/10/2023 12:56

I'd split it but I like my mum.

This ! We often have 2 for 1 for local gardens etc and we split the cost, or one pays and the other buys lunch. Even if she invited herself to something myself and DP were doing, we would still do the same. I guess everyone has different relationships with their parents.

avemariiiaa · 26/10/2023 13:54

This ! We often have 2 for 1 for local gardens etc and we split the cost, or one pays and the other buys lunch. Even if she invited herself to something myself and DP were doing, we would still do the same. I guess everyone has different relationships with their parents.

Missing the point.

This is a carers ticket which is specifically to make days out more affordable for carers of disabled people. Who often do not work or work very few hours due to caring responsibilities.

It isn't a freebie she's cut out if the newspaper or off the back of a bag of crisps.

saraclara · 26/10/2023 13:54

I taught children with severe learning difficulties for many years. The affect on parents and siblings was immense.

If they tried going to attractions (and paid a lot of money for them) there was every chance that they would have to leave after an hour, if the child couldn't cope and had a meltdown. Or after a bit longer if their physical disabilities meant that they simply couldn't manage a full day.
Carer's tickets help mitigate that problem, and often mean that a family who otherwise wouldn't risk going at all, can do so - in which case it's a win for the attraction because they get the entrance ticket costs for the rest of them, that they otherwsie wouldn't have had.

lliij8 · 26/10/2023 13:54

Sounds like you deeply dislike your mum. You and your DD don't care if she joins you, and you certainly won't be showing her any generosity re the ticket. Well, ok.

If you always spend money in the gift shop to 'make up for' your free ticket, then I guess you don't need the cash. Personally, I offer to split things like this, purely to be generous. Well, assuming I actually liked the other person.

sollenwir · 26/10/2023 13:54

I don't have a disabled child, but I wholeheartedly support any company who offers reduced/free tickets to families with disabled children - having a disabled child often affects the family income, as one parent becomes a full time carer, and the family (including parents or any other siblings) being to enjoy 'normal' things as much as possible is really important.

@HalfTermDayOut go, enjoy your day with your daughter and tell your mum that while she's welcome to come she will need to pay for her own ticket. Feel no guilt.

Pezdeoro41 · 26/10/2023 13:55

I voted YANBU as you aren’t under any obligation to do this it all but I do agree with those who said they would do it as they like their mums!

Does she help you out a lot with your DD? I think that would probably determine it for me. If she does then it would be nice of you to split it as appreciation for that.

SpudleyLass · 26/10/2023 13:55

lliij8 · 26/10/2023 13:54

Sounds like you deeply dislike your mum. You and your DD don't care if she joins you, and you certainly won't be showing her any generosity re the ticket. Well, ok.

If you always spend money in the gift shop to 'make up for' your free ticket, then I guess you don't need the cash. Personally, I offer to split things like this, purely to be generous. Well, assuming I actually liked the other person.

DO you think a full time carer for a disabled child can afford to be overly generous to anybody, let alone somebody who doesn't need to come and has invited themselves along?

saraclara · 26/10/2023 13:56

avemariiiaa · 26/10/2023 13:54

This ! We often have 2 for 1 for local gardens etc and we split the cost, or one pays and the other buys lunch. Even if she invited herself to something myself and DP were doing, we would still do the same. I guess everyone has different relationships with their parents.

Missing the point.

This is a carers ticket which is specifically to make days out more affordable for carers of disabled people. Who often do not work or work very few hours due to caring responsibilities.

It isn't a freebie she's cut out if the newspaper or off the back of a bag of crisps.

Yes, OP's mum's relationship with her is one where the mum invites herself along and then wants to claim the carer's ticket entirely for herself, while OP pays in full. Personally I don't think that OP is to blame for that.

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 13:57

I'd never take money for my mum for anything, so I would pay for her ticket. I would never split with anyone from my family either.

saraclara · 26/10/2023 13:58

There are SO many people on this thread who've only skimmed the OP. Again, the mum has also suggested (and I'm guessing that it's her preference) that she gets the free ticket in its entirety and OP pays in full for her own ticket.

porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 13:59

This ! We often have 2 for 1 for local gardens etc and we split the cost, or one pays and the other buys lunch. Even if she invited herself to something myself and DP were doing, we would still do the same. I guess everyone has different relationships with their parents.

It's not someone failing to do something for their mum. Presumably OP has a budget, which will include different things to yours.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/10/2023 13:59

Maybe it depends on your relationship with your mum because I wouldn’t dream of having my mum pay full price while I was going free, we would just split the price of a ticket between us.

lliij8 · 26/10/2023 14:00

SpudleyLass · 26/10/2023 13:55

DO you think a full time carer for a disabled child can afford to be overly generous to anybody, let alone somebody who doesn't need to come and has invited themselves along?

Show quote history

Well, if I liked my mum, I'd probably prefer to split a ticket with her rather than spend that cash on random stuff in a gift shop. And 'Doesn't need to come'? Maybe she just wants to spend time with her family?

Createausername1970 · 26/10/2023 14:00

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 13:13

I'm shocked that you get £35 free, for an attraction. Something that is not a necessity.

I have had to seriously reduce my income over the years to provide the level of support my DS needed. So either we had a bit of help to pay towards the entry cost or we didn't go.

The attraction didn't lose out. They got one more entrance fee than they otherwise would have done, and a bit of money spent in the gift shop. So actually, they benefitted.

You attitude is unpleasant.

Carriemac · 26/10/2023 14:01

Your mum is very cheeky .

BreadInCaptivity · 26/10/2023 14:01

Superscientist · 26/10/2023 12:40

Unless she is providing an equal caring role as yourself absolutely you get the carer ticket and she pays for her ticket

This

MargotBamborough · 26/10/2023 14:01

Unless she is doing something helpful like driving you all there, I would say either she pays for her own ticket or she doesn't come. Her choice.

SpudleyLass · 26/10/2023 14:01

lliij8 · 26/10/2023 14:00

Well, if I liked my mum, I'd probably prefer to split a ticket with her rather than spend that cash on random stuff in a gift shop. And 'Doesn't need to come'? Maybe she just wants to spend time with her family?

Show quote history

In that case, she can pay for her own ticket.

Op might be buying gift shop things for her DD. If paying for her mother means not being able to buy something to remember the day by for her DD, the Op's mother is still being tight and very unreasonable.

Justbefore · 26/10/2023 14:02

This isn’t about the ticket, this is about your relationship with your mum, and DD’s relationship with her gran. You’re very clear that you don’t care at all if your mum is there or not. That’s unusual. Presumably your mum feels this attitude from you, perhaps you’ve even said it to her.

Demanding the cheap/free ticket is her trying to make you care, or perhaps trying to improve her relationship with her grandchild despite her bad relationship with you. Does DD really have zero interest in her gran? If so, that’s quite sad.

Your telling her about the trip (without inviting her) was also you choosing to send her an unfriendly message that she’s pushing back against. I don’t know your history with her, I don’t know if she was emotionally cold or controlling to you as a child or how things got like this, but I suggest you arrange a separate playdate for her to see DD that doesn’t cost money, and don’t tell her about future excursions unless you’re planning to invite her to them.

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 14:02

Couldnt you not buy anything in the gift shop and pay for your mums ticket? She wants to do something with her grandchild. That's not serious FOMO. It'sc called being a grandparent.

Cornishclio · 26/10/2023 14:03

Goodness all those people moaning about the free carers tickets. Carers have a tough time so getting in free to accompany their cared for person is just an acknowledgement of the help they give their friend/relative.

As for the OPs mum if she wasn't invited and you aren't bothered if she comes then just say no. If she wants to come she has to pay for herself. Why does she think you should pay? Is she very tight financially or do you earn a lot? I think there must be some backstory here but maybe in the future do not share your plans with her if she has FOMO and is a bit of a tightwad.