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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for her ticket or any part of it?

451 replies

HalfTermDayOut · 26/10/2023 12:32

Half term next week. Going to an attraction with my DD (aged 9) and my mum.

I get DLA for DD, so my ticket is free as a carers ticket (and I always spend in the gift shop/experiences while there to make up for it).

Mum invited herself to come along, so I said she’d have to pay for her own ticket.

She’s saying no, either she gets in on the carers ticket and I pay for my ticket or we split the cost of 1 adult ticket equally between us so it’s cost us both the same.

I don’t care if she comes or not, DD is not bothered if she’s there or not. She wants to come because she has serious FOMO and won’t miss out on something.

So WIBU? Me or mum?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay any part of her ticket
YABU - Split it or let her in for free and pay for yourself

OP posts:
CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 27/10/2023 00:47

leopardprintismyfavourite · 26/10/2023 16:56

The reality is more cynical than that I'm afraid.
The attractions want to get as many people through the gates as possible. They know that families with disabled children are reluctant to risk big expensive days out, because they can't be sure they'll be there long enough to get the value.

By offering one free carer's ticket, they get at least one paying person through the gates that might not have gone otherwise. And usually it will be two or three paying visitors

It is and it isn’t. I work in one but I object to being cynical!

We absolutely want to welcome people living with disabilities where I work.

Visitor figures - tickets sold - are a huge part of a) what we earn b) how we judge our performance against the industry and previous years c) how in some cases where the attraction is a charity, we also use these to apply for funding and attract sponsors. They are one measure of success.

In a charitable visitor attraction and if you look hard there are lots, even big ones, we will naturally gravitate towards ‘access for all’.

That’s part of who we are, that’s part of why we do what we do. That enables in some cases, additional funding, where we might work with specific groups of people e.g. social prescribing groups or where we want to enhance our facilities E.g. adding a changing places toilet.

Those things also enable visitor attractions to become best in class - to go on and develop, to win awards, to give case studies in best practice, and to then gain further investment in further facilities that enable access to all.

But at heart anyone who works in a visitor attraction usually wants to share it with other people. We want you to love it as much as we do. We want you to come and make new memories with your children who will come back in twenty years and make memories with their children.

And that, overall, is really good business sense (for the person whinging about corporate entities giving away £35 to someone). If you love something, you emotionally invest in it, you return to it and you pass it on.

For me, where I work. We give free carer tickets. Yes there’s a lost opportunity there of selling it to a full-paying customer. But there’s a huge opportunity there to remove a barrier to participation. I would hate for someone not to attend an event because the carer or personal assistant they pay to support them, wouldn’t buy themselves a ticket. Likewise I don’t see how it’s fair for a person living with a disability to pay for two tickets, just so that they can enjoy something they want to do.

The carer is effectively a reasonable adjustment in this person’s life that allows them to access a visitor attraction. I don’t charge extra for wheelchairs or scooters or using accessible toilets or car parking. I don’t charge extra for BSL interpretation or hearing loops or guide dogs.

Why does your thought process change when it’s a person providing the service?

Bravo! Very well put.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 27/10/2023 00:56

I don't dislike my mum, I just don't see her often because she works and I have DD who I'm a single parent to, I know she'd see us more often if she could but we do live an hour a part as well.

Are you a full time carer to your dd, OP?

I think it’s pretty despicable of your mum to want to take from you / your daughter’s DLA payment, seeing as she works.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 27/10/2023 00:58

@leopardprintismyfavourite

But at heart anyone who works in a visitor attraction usually wants to share it with other people. We want you to love it as much as we do. We want you to come and make new memories with your children who will come back in twenty years and make memories with their children.

Whilst I admire the sentiment, I don’t think many of the staff at Chessington World of Adventures or Thorpe Park want to help people make memories. They’re just trying to get through a long, tiring day. Not sure what attractions you mean.

Original poster
HalfTermDayOut · 27/10/2023 07:55

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 27/10/2023 00:56

I don't dislike my mum, I just don't see her often because she works and I have DD who I'm a single parent to, I know she'd see us more often if she could but we do live an hour a part as well.

Are you a full time carer to your dd, OP?

I think it’s pretty despicable of your mum to want to take from you / your daughter’s DLA payment, seeing as she works.

@wesurecouldstandgladioli Technically yes, I only work on the weekends DD is with her dad, but if you ask most people they'd say it's shared due to ExH having her EOWend

OP posts:
wesurecouldstandgladioli · 27/10/2023 08:00

Thanks, so you’re a single parent working very part time to accommodate your dd’s care needs.

I’m gobsmacked that your mum thinks it’s appropriate for you to subsidise her, when she works herself (full time presumably).

Has she always been this entitled?

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/10/2023 08:13

I wouldn’t pay for my mum in the situation you describe - but my mum would never have asked! She invited herself - would obvs be different if you had invited her.

JADS · 27/10/2023 08:14

Yanbu. Your mum is being tight and a bit of a dick. She should pay for her whole ticket.

As a parent of a child with SEN, the carers free ticket seemed weird to me until you realise just how much having a child with disabilities affects your life. It's a steedy creep little differences you don't notice until you do. Enjoy your trip Op and tell your mum she isn't invited; I'm worried if she does come and she has paid, she will spoil it by being petulant.

Underestimated4 · 27/10/2023 12:30

I suppose it depends on how things are financially. For me my mum would say she’d pay for her own, but I’d likely say no we’d split the cost because that’s the relationship we have. If she demand we split the cost and had these expectations I’d be likely to say no!

Packetofcrispsplease · 27/10/2023 13:18

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 26/10/2023 12:41

I would split the cost. But then I think free carers tickets are a weird concept, you're hardly going to send any 9 year old to an attraction alone whether they have additional needs or not.

That’s not what it’s about really .
carers tickets or companion tickets are only available for people who look after someone ( child , young adult or adult ) who are in receipt of a certain level of PIP .
carers are very likely in part time or lower paid roles or have to give up work because of their caring responsibilities.
the venues will require proof

Packetofcrispsplease · 27/10/2023 13:21

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 13:13

I'm shocked that you get £35 free, for an attraction. Something that is not a necessity.

Really !
would you like to take over full time caring duties ?

BowlOfNoodles · 27/10/2023 13:38

She doesn't seem to be feeling entitled 😕

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 13:43

If she invited herself she pays or does not go. You are your DD's carer so you go free. I'd offer to pay for coffee if she came.

MrsPCR · 27/10/2023 13:46

@Wonkasworld Shh, don't tell anyone, but thanks to my disabled son, we got 5 free tickets to legoland last month with free queue jump or whatever they call it. 😉 Probably could have taken in a couple of other people too.

Unfortunately, it was all too much for my son, so had we paid, we wouldn't have 'got our money's worth'. But that's often how it is for these things.

Having a disabled child has so many hidden costs and struggles. Extra appointments, fighting constantly to get them what they need. Often unable to work or work full time. Free entry for carer and or disabled person is one of the 'perks' of having a disabled child.

Did you also know that blue badge holders often get free parking? I mean, I'm often going somewhere anyway, but I'll take the free parking, thank you 😊

You should look up DLA as well, more free money for having a disabled child. 😉 Or you could be a little more empathetic.

BackAgainstWall · 27/10/2023 14:01

You’re both not covering yourselves in glory here.

Nevertheless she won’t be around forever and you’ll have to carry this.

Isn’t she worth a kind compromise?

Gerrataere · 27/10/2023 14:03

BackAgainstWall · 27/10/2023 14:01

You’re both not covering yourselves in glory here.

Nevertheless she won’t be around forever and you’ll have to carry this.

Isn’t she worth a kind compromise?

Here comes the ‘dead mum’ emotional blackmailers. People who scab are not worth a compromise even if they did give birth to you. You can be a mother and a cheeky fucker who needs to recognise they’ve been incredibly rude and grabby as the op’s mum has.

Mavissdaviss · 27/10/2023 14:12

i can’t imagine why your mum thinks you should pay! Surely the conversation was:

you: ‘DD and I are going to X for a day’
mum: ‘oh that sounds lovely, can I join you?’
you ‘sure but just to warn you it’ll cost you £35 for your ticket’
mum ‘Im not paying that. I will have the carers ticket’
you ‘sorry mum but I can’t afford to pay for an additional adult ticket’
mum ‘ok, I’ll pay half of mine and you say the rest’
you ‘I won’t be paying anything towards your ticket ‘
mum: ‘ok I won’t come then’
you ‘no problem’

saraclara · 27/10/2023 14:56

BackAgainstWall · 27/10/2023 14:01

You’re both not covering yourselves in glory here.

Nevertheless she won’t be around forever and you’ll have to carry this.

Isn’t she worth a kind compromise?

Everyone dies one day. That's no reason to excuse bad behaviour and let everyone have their own way.

I'm a mother and a grandmother, and of the age where I'm much closer to dying than being born. That does not give me the right to treat my kids poorly, nor does it obligate them to bend to my every whim.

I don't want them to have any regrets when I'm gone, but it would be sheer madness for them to regret expecting me to pay my own way.

Pertangyangkipperbang · 27/10/2023 15:07

Happens a lot with my daughter and Grandson..daughter goes as a free carer... l go sometimes but l always pay for my own ticket..would never dream of asking.. I'm just happy to be having fabulous time with daughter and Grandson. I even pay for lunch and give Grandson money for gift shop.
She's very very cheeky

mummyof2boys89 · 27/10/2023 16:34

Offer to pay half for the ticket then ask for half price of the petrol money which happens to be £17.50 😂

toomuchfaff · 27/10/2023 17:00

Whoever says OP is unreasonable, shoot up your next event plans and a load of us will invite ourselves BUT expect you to cover our costs... if I have an event I'm planning, with an uninvited guest who decided to tag along, I'm not paying.

This isn't about what YOUR relationship is with your mother... its what OPs relationship is with their mother. Mum wasn't invited, OP doesn't really want her to go. definitely not going to pay for the privilege of mum turning up.

WickedSerious · 27/10/2023 17:03

Gerrataere · 27/10/2023 14:03

Here comes the ‘dead mum’ emotional blackmailers. People who scab are not worth a compromise even if they did give birth to you. You can be a mother and a cheeky fucker who needs to recognise they’ve been incredibly rude and grabby as the op’s mum has.

Show quote history

It took a lot longer than usual though,we usually see 'she won't be around forever' before the posts reach double figures.

ManchesterLu · 27/10/2023 17:28

If it was me I'd split the cost of the adult ticket, but that's thinking purely about how I am with my mum. If your relationship isn't the same then it may be cheeky for her to invite herself and then expect you to pay half - so most likely YANBU.

Tell her where you stand on the matter, and if she still decides to come, that's up to her.

Wishbone436 · 27/10/2023 17:34

Not sure why so many people have issue with a carers ticket! I have a disabled DC and he can access far less at most places than a neurotypical child, he also needs a tonne more assistance. As for your mum .. if she’s invited herself, she pays

billy1966 · 27/10/2023 17:38

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 27/10/2023 08:00

Thanks, so you’re a single parent working very part time to accommodate your dd’s care needs.

I’m gobsmacked that your mum thinks it’s appropriate for you to subsidise her, when she works herself (full time presumably).

Has she always been this entitled?

This.

Please don't entertain this, nor stress about it.

You sound like a fabulous mum.

Hope you have a lovely day out.

HashtagShitShop · 27/10/2023 17:41

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 13:20

I totally agree that carers should get discounts or other concessions, absolutely. They work damn hard. I just think 35 quid for an attraction is a bit much as a freebie. A proportion of it free, eg 50 per cent, fair enough.

Carers allowance is 75.76 a week. 35 quid is just under half of that.

And as for your comment about tax payers caring, do you also care that I work or am on call as a live in carer for my mum 24/7 with no respite and for that I receive the grand sum of approx 42p an hour? Shouldn't the tax payer care about that considering we are saving them literally billions rather than people being in homes/hospitals etc?