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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for her ticket or any part of it?

451 replies

HalfTermDayOut · 26/10/2023 12:32

Half term next week. Going to an attraction with my DD (aged 9) and my mum.

I get DLA for DD, so my ticket is free as a carers ticket (and I always spend in the gift shop/experiences while there to make up for it).

Mum invited herself to come along, so I said she’d have to pay for her own ticket.

She’s saying no, either she gets in on the carers ticket and I pay for my ticket or we split the cost of 1 adult ticket equally between us so it’s cost us both the same.

I don’t care if she comes or not, DD is not bothered if she’s there or not. She wants to come because she has serious FOMO and won’t miss out on something.

So WIBU? Me or mum?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay any part of her ticket
YABU - Split it or let her in for free and pay for yourself

OP posts:
Nowherenew · 26/10/2023 17:19

If you and DD had planned to go and she invited herself to come along too, then of course she should pay!

If you are much better off than her then I’d offer to pay for half, but considering you’re already paying for DD (and I assume the petrol?) then I wouldn’t offer.

If she wants to come then she needs to pay, like every other person in the world.

FictionalCharacter · 26/10/2023 17:22

Superscientist · 26/10/2023 12:40

Unless she is providing an equal caring role as yourself absolutely you get the carer ticket and she pays for her ticket

Exactly. It’s a carer’s ticket, not a “free ticket for an adult who happens to be there with a child” ticket. You get it free because the attraction provides this to people who have responsibilities as carers.

I can’t imagine being as demanding and entitled as she is. But then I can’t imagine inviting myself along to something, let alone inviting myself and then expecting my daughter to pay all or half of my ticket cost.

Paddleboarder · 26/10/2023 17:22

I would personally suggest paying half each. However, in reality my mum would insist that she paid and wouldn't accept any money from me.

VanityDiesHard · 26/10/2023 17:23

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 17:07

Well, if you don't dislike your mum and don't see her often because you live far apart, I would pay for her ticket. But I am alone in this, I think.

Why, though? The OP is on a tight budget. I am astonished that the mum expects the OP to treat her, it seems very ungenerous.

Nowherenew · 26/10/2023 17:23

avemariiiaa · 26/10/2023 16:44

Some of these replies are honestly so ignorant and sad.

Everyone saying "you should split it" "don't buy stuff from the shop and pay for your mother" "I would split it because I'm nice" etc.....

Have a think about this.

You are a parent to a disabled child and days out/attractions are few and far between. Cost is a factor as-well as the rigmarole of taking a child with a disability out for the day.

Some places offer a free carer ticket. This is great. It makes it more affordable and doesn't feel like a waste of money if things go wrong (more often that not things go wrong and cut the day short).

You plan a day out with your child, you get a free ticket which enables you to afford it and even stretch to a treat from the gift shop.

Then the absolute twunt of a mother/grandma pipes up that she is coming too and expects that free ticket for her entry so you have to pay full whack.

Suddenly the day becomes unaffordable or a bit of a stretch budget wise.

Why should the OP do this? Honestly why? Are you people ok? Are you just a bit wet? Are you a doormat?

"Just because it's a nice thing to do" isn't a good enough reason for the OP to roll over and accept this scenario.

We all know it's a nice thing to do. But if she can't afford to or just doesn't want to she absolutely doesn't have to do it. The grandma can pay for herself or do one.

As I've said before, this is carer ticket to acknowledge and support carers of people with disabilities. TO MAKE DAYS OUT LIKE THIS POSSIBLE FOR THEM. It isn't for cheeky fuckers to claim the use of just because they don't want to pay for a day out.

I agree with this.

I think some posters aren’t used to a woman like OP’s mum who has to be involved with everything, just because she doesn’t like missing out.

This doesn’t seem like a woman who wants to spend time with her DD and DGD, it sounds like she’s annoyed they’re doing something fun without her and feels entitled to go too.

She’s also annoyed that OP is getting in free and feels she’s entitled to do the same.

JennyJenny8675309 · 26/10/2023 17:24

I think your mum is being somewhat unreasonable BUT if it were me (and I still had my mum here on earth) I would split the cost if I could afford it. My mum died 17 years ago and I wish I’d been more accommodating at times. That’s just me—you are not wrong to feel she’s being unreasonable.

JennyJenny8675309 · 26/10/2023 17:29

Adding to my comment above, if mum has form for this type of behaviour, I’d absolutely say no. If it’s a one-off, I would probably try to work it out with her. She sounds cheeky though.

porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 17:33

People really are priviledged if they can't even imagine what sticking to a budget you have to stick to and don't have any choice or flexibility about is like. And yes, it's not about how much you like someone (though OP's mum's suggestion would annoy a lot of people living in OP's situation.)

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 17:38

I know treating your mum or even splitting a ticket with her would eventually be pilloried as privileged!😂 Maybe it's just a different way of doing things.

Anyway, OP, you don't want to pay any part of it, so don't.

Gymnopedie · 26/10/2023 17:39

I don't dislike my mum, I just don't see her often because she works and I have DD who I'm a single parent to

So your mum works (FT by the sound of it) so she has an income. Your (workplace earned) income is little or none because of DD's needs. But SHE expects to get the free ticket?? Cfery of the very highest order, and I thought she was bad before you provided that insight. It also means she provides no care, so why on earth should she get the carer's ticket?

Is she normally tight OP? This can't be a one off.

porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 17:42

I know treating your mum or even splitting a ticket with her would eventually be pilloried as privileged

It is objectively. Some people can't afford to pay out any extra than what they've already budgeted for something.

SpudleyLass · 26/10/2023 17:45

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 17:38

I know treating your mum or even splitting a ticket with her would eventually be pilloried as privileged!😂 Maybe it's just a different way of doing things.

Anyway, OP, you don't want to pay any part of it, so don't.

Well I mean, yeah, it is isn't it? In this situation.

Op's income opportunities, especially as she is a single parent too, will be restricted due to her daughter's needs i.e forces outside of her control.

Imagine knowing your child is in this situation and still trying to take advantage of it for a discount. Utterly disgraceful behaviour.

Ffsmakeitstop · 26/10/2023 17:45

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 13:13

I'm shocked that you get £35 free, for an attraction. Something that is not a necessity.

Well yes because obviously people who need carers don't deserve anything nice, just the bare necessities. Jesus fucking Christ.

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 17:53

porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 17:42

I know treating your mum or even splitting a ticket with her would eventually be pilloried as privileged

It is objectively. Some people can't afford to pay out any extra than what they've already budgeted for something.

But OP said she can pay at least half. All of it would be stretching. Hence my post.

Anyway, my new suggestion after all these updates is to say no to grandmum and meet her in the park for free. I am not sure who is earning more income because it's not clear. OP's mum could be a dinner lady, for all we know.

But anyway nobody wants to go with someone who doesn't want them there, so just say NO to the CF.

Nowherenew · 26/10/2023 18:09

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 17:38

I know treating your mum or even splitting a ticket with her would eventually be pilloried as privileged!😂 Maybe it's just a different way of doing things.

Anyway, OP, you don't want to pay any part of it, so don't.

I think it’s the entitlement of it all.

Its the fact that her mum has invited herself to their day out and now thinks that OP should pay for her and her DD (and fuel to get there), whilst the mum goes for free.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 26/10/2023 18:13

Costing both of you the same would be adding together one child and one adult and splitting that, so £26.50 each.

You have obviously budgeted only for your daughter's ticket. If you don't want to/can't afford to pay towards your mother's ticket simply don't buy it. If you think it would be helpful to have your mum there as well then each of you pay something.

DMNet · 26/10/2023 18:18

ColleenDonaghy · 26/10/2023 12:59

Is this part of a bigger picture? My mum and I would be fighting Mrs Doyle style to pay for the other Confused

I guess split it, but I can't imagine falling out with my mum over 35 quid and a day out.

Ha, I am from an Asian family and my husband gets embarrassed by our fighting over who gets to pay the bill and trying to rush to pay before the other relative gets there first.

Gerrataere · 26/10/2023 18:18

Someoneonlyyouknow · 26/10/2023 18:13

Costing both of you the same would be adding together one child and one adult and splitting that, so £26.50 each.

You have obviously budgeted only for your daughter's ticket. If you don't want to/can't afford to pay towards your mother's ticket simply don't buy it. If you think it would be helpful to have your mum there as well then each of you pay something.

If the op wanted her mum there, she would have actively invited her. When I plan ‘big’ trips, I always ask my children’s dad if he’d like to come. And I pay for his ticket (unless only proof of DLA is needed for a carers ticket in which case I put two of the one down), and fuel and bring all the snacks. It’s a huge pain in the arse 🙂. But carers recognise when it’s a two carer trip or not and evidently the op did not think this was one of those occasions.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2023 18:28

"No mum, you invited yourself so you have to pay for yourself. I can only affordd to go because I get the carers ticket, if it werent for that then we wouldnt be going at all"

"But I cant afford it either"

"Well thank you for understanding my position finance-wise, maybe next time you can come with us. I will let you know in plenty of time to save up."

WickedSerious · 26/10/2023 18:29

TigerRag · 26/10/2023 15:31

Do normal adults invite themselves to things and expect others to pay?

Show quote history

Normal ones no,CF ones yes,

pizzaHeart · 26/10/2023 18:36

LivingDeadGirlUK · 26/10/2023 12:41

YANBU the fact she suggested she should get the free carers ticket shows serious cheeky fuckery.

This^
the carer tickets is for you as you are going to look after DD otherwise you would send her with her grandma and £35 to this attraction and went shopping/ sleeping/ dating/ cleaning whatever you were fancy.
If your Mum wants to tag alone she pays for herself. I don’t think you owe her even a coffee, it’s entirely up to you. The fact that she is your mum neither here nor there. She is not a dependant of yours and you don’t need her there so she pays for herself.

VanityDiesHard · 26/10/2023 19:05

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 17:53

But OP said she can pay at least half. All of it would be stretching. Hence my post.

Anyway, my new suggestion after all these updates is to say no to grandmum and meet her in the park for free. I am not sure who is earning more income because it's not clear. OP's mum could be a dinner lady, for all we know.

But anyway nobody wants to go with someone who doesn't want them there, so just say NO to the CF.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter if OP's mum is a dinner lady or if she is the CEO of British Gas. The point is that she does not provide care for her granddaughter, rarely sees her, and still expects her daughter to subsidise her on a jolly. Stand firm, OP. Ignore the people pleasers who say 'pay up'. If your mother has form for this sort of behaviour, there's no time like the present for nipping it in the bud.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 26/10/2023 19:17

LeclercBeans · 26/10/2023 16:02

YANBU! She invited herself, she should pay!

I'm not having a go, Im genuinely just asking, but why do carers of disabled children get a free ticket? I understand if it's a disabled person over 16 but its not like children go to these things by themselves and so a parent would be there anyways even if they weren't disabled.

Again, I'm not having a go at you (take all the perks you can get I say), I'm just wondering.

Because some children with disabilities need a medically trained person to accompany them. If my little one gets invited for a day out I have to go, I can change his gastrostomy if it suddenly comes out (which it does sometimes, and when it does it has to be replaced within 30 minutes else the stoma starts to close and he'll need to go to hospital to have it done), you need medical training to replace it and hospitals aren't keen to train just anyone to do it. He also may need his emergency seizure medication and if he does he is at risk of going into respiratory distress, you need to be trained to administer that, he might need suctioning, his dystonia needs managing. Yes sure children need an adult to accompany them on days out but some children need a specific, trained adult, there is no going with family or friends unless their trained person comes too

avemariiiaa · 26/10/2023 19:42

@LeclercBeans

Why do parents of disabled children get carers tickets?

Carers tickets are for anybody who has official caring responsibilities for a person in receipt of DLA. Not just children.

It isn't about not otherwise just sending a child off on their own. Many children in receipt of DLA will have such severe and complex needs that they couldn't go without a specific person, their carer, who understands their needs and can provide the care they need.

So for example say a day out was planned and a parent/relative was going to take a group of their kids friends. One of the children has a physical disability, incontinence, tube fed, complex medications. That kind of responsibility cannot be placed upon a friends parent. So the child's parent can go along at no extra cost just to support them.

But in any event. Even an autistic 7 year old with no physical disabilities possibly wouldn't cope without a parent there, therefore couldn't go on a trip with friends without them.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 26/10/2023 20:08

Lakeyloo · 26/10/2023 17:15

No she hasn't and yes I am....
"Yes I pay for DDs ticket which is £18, so it'll cost me either £53 which I can't afford or £35.50 which I could just stretch to."

Show quote history

Your missing the point of the ops post the day out is for her disabled daughter not her mother. The money she saved for the day will be spent on the day so her disabled daughter can enjoy herself. Her mum who wants to go is not thinking about her grandchild and only about herself wants her daughter to buy her ticket or go halves so she can go. Less money will be spent on her daughter's day out.