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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not pay for her ticket or any part of it?

451 replies

HalfTermDayOut · 26/10/2023 12:32

Half term next week. Going to an attraction with my DD (aged 9) and my mum.

I get DLA for DD, so my ticket is free as a carers ticket (and I always spend in the gift shop/experiences while there to make up for it).

Mum invited herself to come along, so I said she’d have to pay for her own ticket.

She’s saying no, either she gets in on the carers ticket and I pay for my ticket or we split the cost of 1 adult ticket equally between us so it’s cost us both the same.

I don’t care if she comes or not, DD is not bothered if she’s there or not. She wants to come because she has serious FOMO and won’t miss out on something.

So WIBU? Me or mum?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay any part of her ticket
YABU - Split it or let her in for free and pay for yourself

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 26/10/2023 16:22

whowhy · 26/10/2023 15:28

Don't be silly. It's her mum. It's a day out. Pay for your mum, like a normal adult, or just split the cost.

I'm a normal(ish) adult and I wouldn't dream of insisting my adult DD pays for me. I'm her mum, if anyone is paying for both it'll be me.

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 16:24

MrTiddlesTheCat · 26/10/2023 16:22

I'm a normal(ish) adult and I wouldn't dream of insisting my adult DD pays for me. I'm her mum, if anyone is paying for both it'll be me.

That's a lovely thing to say 😊

avemariiiaa · 26/10/2023 16:26

Yalta · 26/10/2023 16:19

I get DLA for DD, so my ticket is free as a carers ticket (and I always spend in the gift shop/experiences while there to make up for it

If you are going to spend the money you saved anyway then why not split the ticket money and spend 50% less in the gift shop or just pay for her ticket and don’t buy anything from the gift shop

I find it quite a weird concept that if a large company is giving you something for free you have to spend the amount or would have cost with them to make up the cost.

When you get £2 off a block of cheese at Tesco do you spend £2 more on something elsr

She may not be able to get her daughter a little treat if it wasn't for the carer ticket. She doesn't have to do anything to suit her mother, she had have the free ticket, get her daughter a little treat and her mother can pay for her own ticket seeing as she invited herself.

SayingwhatIreallythink · 26/10/2023 16:27

Do you live with your mum? If so, then split it, otherwise don’t let her come with you.

VanityDiesHard · 26/10/2023 16:27

Zebedee55 · 26/10/2023 16:19

I'd split the cost.

Why? The OP's mother invited herself along, and insisted the daughter pay. I call that CFery of the highest order. I would have been more inclined to maybe split the cost if the mother hadn't mentioned it (although even then, I might not, and certainly wouldn't judge anyone else for not doing) As it is, though, no way would I pay. I presume that all the people who would share the cost have reasonable, kind parents. I'm in that position myself, and would have no problem treating my mother. But my mother would be more likely to treat me in the first place!

saraclara · 26/10/2023 16:29

MrTiddlesTheCat · 26/10/2023 16:22

I'm a normal(ish) adult and I wouldn't dream of insisting my adult DD pays for me. I'm her mum, if anyone is paying for both it'll be me.

Same here.

In the one who pays for my kids and grandkids when they let me. They're the ones with the mortgages and the childcare cost burdens. Only very rarely do I allow them to pay for me, and that's just so that they keep their self respect and maybe get some pleasure out of treating me.

It's clear that OP can't afford to pay for her mum, so why on earth is her mum expecting it of her?

Maddy70 · 26/10/2023 16:29

I would split the cost personally. Its nice to be able to have family days put

Millybob · 26/10/2023 16:31

I can't imagine my mum ever insisting on being paid for - which is probably why I was always more than happy to treat her.
More of a mrsdoyle tussle as @colleendonaghy says.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 16:32

Sounds like your mum doesn’t give a shit about spending time you and dd and just wants to use you and dd for a free ticket.

Don’t let the twat win.

Sirzy · 26/10/2023 16:32

Ds is 14, we don’t go to theme parks because he can’t cope with them at all.

i don’t expect anywhere to give us free carer access but I am exceptionally grateful when they do.

Even trips to places he knows and feels safe take a lot of planning before and during. We have to arrive at opening when it’s hopefully quieter and on a good day he will manage two hours. He needs constant supervision during this time and we may have to leave at any point. I can’t relax as I have to be hyper vigilant. I can’t go to the toilet alone. Generally we can’t go into the cafe or get anything to eat.

i also need to manage his medical needs including keeping an eye out on his feeding system to make sure it’s working.

he enjoys the trips out when we can do them. But they are hard work for me and I end up doing a lot more of the carer role than the parent. Many families have it much much harder than me too.

I would love to just get in the car and go for a fun filled family day out paying the full ticket price but that’s not possible. So when places offer concessions that make the day a bit easier, meaning I don’t feel the waste of money when things are cut short I will take them happily!

BrimfulOfMash · 26/10/2023 16:36

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 26/10/2023 12:41

I would split the cost. But then I think free carers tickets are a weird concept, you're hardly going to send any 9 year old to an attraction alone whether they have additional needs or not.

Where a child needs one to one support so can't go with a friend's' parent? Where a family on a budget and more than one child have to take an extra adult to facilitate a disabled child?

What do you want: a person on the barrier interrogating each family with a disabled child (or adult) asking why they need a carer ticket?

If you have a disabled child or relative and choose not to take the carer ticket, that's up to you.

CollagenQueen · 26/10/2023 16:40

What a bizarre situation.

I pay for my adult children, every time we go out. It’s always my treat.

Does she ever treat you to stuff? Why on earth does she want to disadvantage her own child?

avemariiiaa · 26/10/2023 16:44

Some of these replies are honestly so ignorant and sad.

Everyone saying "you should split it" "don't buy stuff from the shop and pay for your mother" "I would split it because I'm nice" etc.....

Have a think about this.

You are a parent to a disabled child and days out/attractions are few and far between. Cost is a factor as-well as the rigmarole of taking a child with a disability out for the day.

Some places offer a free carer ticket. This is great. It makes it more affordable and doesn't feel like a waste of money if things go wrong (more often that not things go wrong and cut the day short).

You plan a day out with your child, you get a free ticket which enables you to afford it and even stretch to a treat from the gift shop.

Then the absolute twunt of a mother/grandma pipes up that she is coming too and expects that free ticket for her entry so you have to pay full whack.

Suddenly the day becomes unaffordable or a bit of a stretch budget wise.

Why should the OP do this? Honestly why? Are you people ok? Are you just a bit wet? Are you a doormat?

"Just because it's a nice thing to do" isn't a good enough reason for the OP to roll over and accept this scenario.

We all know it's a nice thing to do. But if she can't afford to or just doesn't want to she absolutely doesn't have to do it. The grandma can pay for herself or do one.

As I've said before, this is carer ticket to acknowledge and support carers of people with disabilities. TO MAKE DAYS OUT LIKE THIS POSSIBLE FOR THEM. It isn't for cheeky fuckers to claim the use of just because they don't want to pay for a day out.

Littlelucas · 26/10/2023 16:45

Sirzy

And posters like yourself shouldn’t feel the need to justify getting carers tickets/prices. Anyone who would criticise such a small thing that could mean the difference between a family with a disabled/ND child and their family having a much needed day out really isn’t worth any headspace. I don’t understand anyone who says they don’t understand the need for carers tickets - they clearly are very lucky and lead a very charmed life (and are completely lacking in empathy!)

Carpediemmakeitcount · 26/10/2023 16:47

Lakeyloo · 26/10/2023 13:52

This ! We often have 2 for 1 for local gardens etc and we split the cost, or one pays and the other buys lunch. Even if she invited herself to something myself and DP were doing, we would still do the same. I guess everyone has different relationships with their parents.

Ain't you lucky you can afford it op has posted she can't afford it but go on rub that salt into the wound even more.

leopardprintismyfavourite · 26/10/2023 16:56

The reality is more cynical than that I'm afraid.
The attractions want to get as many people through the gates as possible. They know that families with disabled children are reluctant to risk big expensive days out, because they can't be sure they'll be there long enough to get the value.

By offering one free carer's ticket, they get at least one paying person through the gates that might not have gone otherwise. And usually it will be two or three paying visitors

It is and it isn’t. I work in one but I object to being cynical!

We absolutely want to welcome people living with disabilities where I work.

Visitor figures - tickets sold - are a huge part of a) what we earn b) how we judge our performance against the industry and previous years c) how in some cases where the attraction is a charity, we also use these to apply for funding and attract sponsors. They are one measure of success.

In a charitable visitor attraction and if you look hard there are lots, even big ones, we will naturally gravitate towards ‘access for all’.

That’s part of who we are, that’s part of why we do what we do. That enables in some cases, additional funding, where we might work with specific groups of people e.g. social prescribing groups or where we want to enhance our facilities E.g. adding a changing places toilet.

Those things also enable visitor attractions to become best in class - to go on and develop, to win awards, to give case studies in best practice, and to then gain further investment in further facilities that enable access to all.

But at heart anyone who works in a visitor attraction usually wants to share it with other people. We want you to love it as much as we do. We want you to come and make new memories with your children who will come back in twenty years and make memories with their children.

And that, overall, is really good business sense (for the person whinging about corporate entities giving away £35 to someone). If you love something, you emotionally invest in it, you return to it and you pass it on.

For me, where I work. We give free carer tickets. Yes there’s a lost opportunity there of selling it to a full-paying customer. But there’s a huge opportunity there to remove a barrier to participation. I would hate for someone not to attend an event because the carer or personal assistant they pay to support them, wouldn’t buy themselves a ticket. Likewise I don’t see how it’s fair for a person living with a disability to pay for two tickets, just so that they can enjoy something they want to do.

The carer is effectively a reasonable adjustment in this person’s life that allows them to access a visitor attraction. I don’t charge extra for wheelchairs or scooters or using accessible toilets or car parking. I don’t charge extra for BSL interpretation or hearing loops or guide dogs.

Why does your thought process change when it’s a person providing the service?

HalfTermDayOut · 26/10/2023 16:58

I am back sorry for disappearing.

DDs disabilities mean if it's a bit cold or damp we'll take it really slow. So something that might take a normal person 2 hours takes us at least double so we may not see all of it. I'll also take her wheelchair, so getting that in and out of the car, pushing it etc plus helping DD into and out of it when she wants to.

Plus I'll need to help her use the toilet which happens frequently due to her specific conditions.

She has a speech issue so any talking she needs to do I need to be there to help with as people struggle to understand her.

I don't dislike my mum, I just don't see her often because she works and I have DD who I'm a single parent to, I know she'd see us more often if she could but we do live an hour a part as well. We speak on the phone once a week though.

DD mentioned the outing to her when she called us earlier this week so thats how she knows about it.

OP posts:
Livingtothefull · 26/10/2023 17:00

LeclercBeans · 26/10/2023 16:02

YANBU! She invited herself, she should pay!

I'm not having a go, Im genuinely just asking, but why do carers of disabled children get a free ticket? I understand if it's a disabled person over 16 but its not like children go to these things by themselves and so a parent would be there anyways even if they weren't disabled.

Again, I'm not having a go at you (take all the perks you can get I say), I'm just wondering.

But it is not a 'perk'. This is not like getting free tea & coffee at work, it is a necessary concession to enable families to have days out with their children like anyone else. When I am out with my DS I am honestly too busy with him most of the time to have much fun myself.

I appreciate you are not having a go, but it is probably impossible for others to understand just how difficult it can be for families with disabled members to access the things everyone else take for granted.

Zoreos · 26/10/2023 17:00

YANBU. Mum or not she is a massive CF! So she’s expects to either go for free or if she has to pay, you then have to pay half of her ticket? However, she expects you to pay full price for yours if she has the free ticket when you’re a registered carer? Imagine this was your partner or a friend. Everyone would be screaming CFism and rightly so. Tell her if she invites herself she pays for herself and stand firm and point out that you didn’t invite her. Assuming you claim CA for your DD to qualify for the free ticket, your earnings are limited by the CA £139 p/w limit as it is. I personally know how difficult it is to live off I am fuming for you and I don’t even know you. Does she usually try to manipulate/demand/control you? What an entitled mare.

BrimfulOfMash · 26/10/2023 17:03

God, there is some ignorant stupid knobbery on this thread.

A carer's ticket isn't there to 'be nice' to families with a disabled kid, or even because those families and carers are usually cash strapped as a result of having a family member with disabilities.

It is because the carer is the 'reasonable adjustment' that makes a theme park accessible to a disabled person. If a child needs that carer with them in order to do anything that an able-bodied child could typically do at the same place, then the park would be open to prosecution if they don't make an adjustment to allow the carer who facilitates those things. Toileting, help with food and drink, lifting to access parts of the attraction, pushing a wheelchair, etc. Hopefully the parents / carers DO enjoy the day out with the child, but they are very much there to do a job: enable the access of the disabled child in ways that would not be necessary otherwise.

Many people save money by sending a child with another family - friend or relative. That is simply not possible if a disabled child needs one to one care. So the attraction is adjusting against discrimination in that way.

If a disabled child is invited to a party or friend's birthday day out at a theme park but needs to be taken in their own transport (rather than party-family's vehicle) in order to get there then again a carer's ticket is necessary to ensure there is no discrimination.

It is about DISCRIMINATION.

Yet so many nasty minded people here seeing others get a 'perk' that they begrudge - even though it has NO IMPACT ON THEM.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/10/2023 17:06

"Mum invited herself to come along, so I said she’d have to pay for her own ticket.

She’s saying no, either she gets in on the carers ticket and I pay for my ticket or we split the cost of 1 adult ticket equally between us so it’s cost us both the same."

Wow, I am quite astounded at her sense of entitlement! Obviously, YANBU and she should pay for her own ticket.

justasking111 · 26/10/2023 17:07

As a grandmother I pay for all the tickets. It's my treat at half term and other holidays. This granny really is cheeky.

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2023 17:07

Well, if you don't dislike your mum and don't see her often because you live far apart, I would pay for her ticket. But I am alone in this, I think.

Lakeyloo · 26/10/2023 17:15

Carpediemmakeitcount · 26/10/2023 16:47

Ain't you lucky you can afford it op has posted she can't afford it but go on rub that salt into the wound even more.

No she hasn't and yes I am....
"Yes I pay for DDs ticket which is £18, so it'll cost me either £53 which I can't afford or £35.50 which I could just stretch to."

avemariiiaa · 26/10/2023 17:18

@Lakeyloo but why should the OP stretch herself?