DH is well meaning but gets it "wrong"

[dreambream]

I would like some advice please. Before anyone says, I am very grateful to have a lovely DH but I just want advice on how to navigate this.

I can be quite fussy with what I buy eg. I don't like buying tat and buying just for retail therapy, and I only really buy what I LOVE. And if I can't afford something I will save up for it rather than buy something that isn't exactly what I want. I just wanted to give some context as to how I buy/shop for myself. Sometimes, say when people gift me things I have to think about what to do with their gift eg. We recently moved to a new house and got things like a clock, bedsheets, soap dispensers as house warming presents. None of these are things that I would have chosen for myself and am now left with the problem of what to do with them. I am appreciative of all the lovely people I know and have expressed as such when receiving gifts. But internally I would rather just not receive anything or maybe a bunch of flowers etc

Anyway, for my birthday, DH usually likes my present to be a surprise but I just wish he'd ask me because otherwise I end up receiving quite expensive things that are just not my style/taste etc. The other day we were browsing some shops and I saw a new shop and said to him how I didn't know this shop was open in this country/was a shop in real life and not just online as I've been wanting a necklace from there for a while (some might say this is tacky, but it's the first initial of my DC who was born earlier this year and I'm excited to have something I've always thought mums have). Last night I was using DH 's phone and noticed he was looking at initial necklaces from H Samuel. It's my birthday next week and I know he is well meaning, but I just hope he doesn't buy it. I have in the past said if something is expensive I would like a heads up...

Anyway, AIBU? I don't want him to feel disheartened or unappreciated. Also, if you select YANBU, how should I tell him gently?

Would you text him a link to the one you want? Just in case you wanted a hint for my birthday! I've always wanted an initial necklace from here, they're so much nicer than the others I've seen!

Then either he'll buy it or if he wants your present to be a surprise, he won't buy it and you can save up for it and buy it yourself

Basically I think you need to say something, you're married and presumably happy together, no point in him wasting money every birthday and Christmas.

I think it would be worth having a conversation about it. Express as you have here that you really appreciate his efforts and think he is thoughtful, but your tastes are particular and that surprises are less meaningful to you than being consulted on what you want, especially if it’s something expensive.

You’re right, of course, that with other people the only appropriate response to any gift is to give gracious thanks even if it isn’t to your taste. But this is your husband - it doesn’t make sense to have a lifetime of him spending your family’s resources on gifts that aren’t what you want. Much better if you can have a loving but frank conversation so that he can things you will really love and appreciate.

We're happy together, yes. But I've always had a problem with specifically asking for something I like. I will often say how much I like something. Or how much I hope to have something. But I always struggle with extending it into a request 😫

My DH is not great with presents either. After a few disasters over the years I now give him a short list of ideas with links to choose from, so there's still an element of surprise. In your case, as you have your heart set on one specific thing, I'd be very direct and tell him that's what you want.

YABU to only want very specific things but not tell people that, I'm afraid. Can't have it both ways.

My dh isn’t great with presents but he’s always openly admitted it. We had a gentle chat after he bought something he thought I’d like and when he told others about it, everyone commented it was something you’d buy your elderly gran.
He now tries to listen to things I say I like it he asks me to send links for things. I didn’t like doing that at first but now I might just send a picture or link to the style of something I like.

If my dh hasn’t heard of the website or doesn’t trust it then he will buy something similar from a more well known brand. Maybe your dh has done that? Maybe the shop isn’t open and he isn’t keen from buying from a shop he’s not heard of so has gone to a more well known jewellers.

The best present I received from DH was the year I left a catalogue open on the worktop with a post-it beside it. 'Red, size 6, hint hint'. If you want presents to improve, you'll have to take the initiative.

We have a list each with items on of a range of budgets. The other person chooses from the list but it is a surprise, best of both worlds. DH gets his random woodworking tools, I get whatever things I want that he would not know but you don't know on the day. I think if you want specific things you have to ask.

Time to have a blunt conversation with your husband. His wanting to buy you a surprise gift is all about him. Point out the gift should be what you want. He can always get a small surprise gift too if he wants.

Illustrate this by an appropriate example - my husband likes gadgets but very specific ones. I don't attempt to buy them because I will get it wrong.

Bite the bullet and have a conversation like this or look forward to your HSamuel necklace!

Can you ask to do something rather than a pressie? DP isn’t amazing on the present front (not for want of trying) and our birthdays are two days apart so I suggested we had a day trip / special meal / night away instead of presents.

Just send him a link. My husband used to try and surprise me, I hate surprises lol. Now i send him a link, he buys me it, I love it, we are both happy lol.

This.

Make it clear that you are happy not to receive 'significant' gifts and would prefer a token.

I'm similar to you and I want to choose my own tech, clothes etc. I also don't like waste or buying for the sake of it and see no point in telling people to 'buy me X from Y shop' because that's not a gift. A gift is when the person has thought about me, chosen something, bought it, wrapped it and presented it. Clicking a link I've sent isn't the same.

DP knows this and we just exchange token presents. It means far more to me for him to remember that I like gin, florentines and anything from Hotel Chocolat and for him to choose a bottle of gin and some chocolate and that's my gift rather than him buying me jewellery that I don't like, clothes that don't fit or tech that doesn't do what I want or is too complicated as I like very simple things.

Or we have experiences, like for a recent significant birthday where we went for a tasting menu, which is something I've always wanted to do but is not DPs thing at all. So the gift was for us to go do that and have a nice time. And the great irony there was that DP liked it a lot more than he thought he would, so much that he wants to do it again and I thought it was nice but a bit meh tbh

This. I've been with my dh for 30+ years I've had my fair share of "suprises" life is too short for unwanted gifts. Op your dh doesn't get hints I mean you pointed to the actual thing and he has gone rogue 😄

Just say I really would like X from Y shop.

Just send him the link. If you're going to be picky about presents it's the only way.

I used to find it odd but my daughter is like you and it takes away all the stress for me. Plus she is always delighted with her presents.

My DH is sh*t at it too. It's my birthday next month so I bought something I wanted.

DH said good thing as he was going to buy me a USB mug warmer. I have a double wall mug that keeps coffee hit for hours.

@MermaidMummy06 But how is you buying something you wanted 'your birthday gift from DH' when he hasn't had any involvement? Isn't it just you buying yourself stuff?

Like you, I don't like receiving gifts. I'm genuinely happy not receiving any, partly as I feel bad that the giver has spent money on something I know I won't use. I'm not picky on the price, I'm happy with stuff that's cheap as well as more expensive.

If the necklaces are basically an initial on a chain, and there's a considerable difference in price, I think your husband's approach isn't unreasonable.

I have some nice jewellery from Tiffany that was stolen in a recent burglary and it was taking H Samuel or similar vouchers or taking a big hit on the cash equivalent. I found a nice silver Ralph Lauren bracelet that I really liked so I'd hang fire on the judgement on that score.

My family is happy to send links so we all receive something we'll use. My in-laws loathe that approach and always want to go off piste. Most of their gifts go to the charity shop but it gives them pleasure and that's what you have to remember. Some of my favourite gifts are pretty awful things that my kids have chosen for me.

My dh knows I don’t like expensive ‘surprises’ so he either gets me a voucher from my favourite shop or asks me. In fact he was going to get his sister something and asked me which one-I said why don’t you ask her? He did and she wanted something totally different so it saved an expensive white elephant. Why not have a conversation with your partner about how you have quite specific taste so wouldn’t want him to waste his money and ask you first!

Just be honest and say that whilst you appreciate his lovely efforts to get you something you'll like, you prefer to have some input in big purchases.

Suggest you go out together on or around your birthday or Get the Giftster app where you both have a list to choose from. We use that for Christmas and birthdays.

You have two choices then speak out nicely or put up with what you get. To be honest I think you sound difficult but then I'm biased as had a sil who never found anything good enough

Yep this

If you are grown up enough to know what you want, you are grown up enough to tell people. And if he’s buying H Samuel jewellery, he really does need telling.

Saying that, part of being a grown up is accepting compromise, so you have to accept there may be some of his taste in the house you don’t like.

The things people bought you you should be able to exchange (when they come round ‘thanks so much for your lovely clock! We already have one so we exchanged it for this lovely breadboard which we use everyday and think of you!’ No one cares)

YABU as you haven't told him. I am like you and can barely put a smile on when I get a crap present (I do manage it but I'm wondering if they gave a receipt)! I told DP (v early on) he would never go wrong with a voucher for x, y, z. That's what I get and I love it!

This!

I’d quickly become annoyed with you if you were so fussy but don’t ever say what you want! Stop living the fantasy that people can read your mind.

I dont see the issue. You want an initial necklace, he's looking at initial necklaces. What's the issue?

Could you put together a list that he can choose something from? That's what me and DH do. We still don't know what we'll receive but we know it will be something we want.