DH is well meaning but gets it "wrong"

[dreambream]

I would like some advice please. Before anyone says, I am very grateful to have a lovely DH but I just want advice on how to navigate this.

I can be quite fussy with what I buy eg. I don't like buying tat and buying just for retail therapy, and I only really buy what I LOVE. And if I can't afford something I will save up for it rather than buy something that isn't exactly what I want. I just wanted to give some context as to how I buy/shop for myself. Sometimes, say when people gift me things I have to think about what to do with their gift eg. We recently moved to a new house and got things like a clock, bedsheets, soap dispensers as house warming presents. None of these are things that I would have chosen for myself and am now left with the problem of what to do with them. I am appreciative of all the lovely people I know and have expressed as such when receiving gifts. But internally I would rather just not receive anything or maybe a bunch of flowers etc

Anyway, for my birthday, DH usually likes my present to be a surprise but I just wish he'd ask me because otherwise I end up receiving quite expensive things that are just not my style/taste etc. The other day we were browsing some shops and I saw a new shop and said to him how I didn't know this shop was open in this country/was a shop in real life and not just online as I've been wanting a necklace from there for a while (some might say this is tacky, but it's the first initial of my DC who was born earlier this year and I'm excited to have something I've always thought mums have). Last night I was using DH 's phone and noticed he was looking at initial necklaces from H Samuel. It's my birthday next week and I know he is well meaning, but I just hope he doesn't buy it. I have in the past said if something is expensive I would like a heads up...

Anyway, AIBU? I don't want him to feel disheartened or unappreciated. Also, if you select YANBU, how should I tell him gently?

I would just send him the link to the one that you really want.
I always give mine a list and tell him to choose something from it because many years ago, when the kids were small and I was rushing about with them and working etc, I flopped down on the sofa one evening just as an advert for a spa break came on the TV.
I said oh that looks like bliss.
A couple of months later on my birthday he gave me a spa day voucher. I didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't my thing. I did go and was bored out of my head.
All these years later I still haven't got the heart to tell him that he'd wasted a lot of his money on that.
Fortunately, he's never given me a spa day voucher since.
Lists for the win.

Just tell him. This is stupid. He wants to get you something you would like. You know there is something you would like. But instead of telling him to get you the thing you would like, you let him get it wrong and you end up disappointed.

Me: “what are you getting me for my birthday? 😁”
DH “I don’t know, what would you like?”
Me: “I’ll send you a link”.

I just find it simpler to buy what I want, if I have to tell my husband the specific details it's not a surprise so what would the point be?

My DH can be a bit the same. Not being ungrateful but hate the waste.

Let's say I want a necklace. I will send links of a few I like and then he picks one. That way he feels like he is choosing but I am also happy with the gift.

I don't understand ppl who can not or will not be honest with their DH and end up with something they don't like. It seems crazy to me!!! And he does the same with me-I would much rather get him what he wants!

Good luck!!

Because he gets to experience the joy of getting a present for you that's something you actually love, plus there's no waste of money.

On a list of 10-20 items, let's say, it won't be a complete surprise but it'll be surprise enough that it still feels like a treat.

The 'joy of getting a present for you' without actually getting her a present. Ok then.

Giving someone specific instructions is about as exciting as telling someone you want cash. Real gifts have the pros and cons of being a genuine surprise and expression of love while potentially not being perfect.

Does he have a sister? One of my brothers is the worst gift buyer ever and has been even since he was child. His partner is fabulous and typically I ask her in advance what she wants and give him some helpful ideas.

It doesn't always work out well as sometimes he finds a "better" version of the suggestions but her gifts have improved a lot.

Of course you should tell him exactly what it is you want and give him the link. Tell him that this is the one you would choose over all others.

He isn't psychic. You do need to get over your hangups and tell him. Communication is key, and if you are barely even hinting then you could be setting him up to fail.

It is still a present.

I'm lucky in that DH is a great present buyer. Every single thing he's ever got me has been just right. But some people aren't great at choosing gifts, or don't notice things like the type of precious metal their OH half wears, for example, and wouldn't realise that it matters. Others find the whole thing very stressful. So for some people I think a wish list works very well for one or both parties.

We do lists that the other can choose from. Mine includes links, sizes and is very specific! This means there is still an element of surprise but both of us will each get something we want and love.

In my family when it comes to gifts we always ask each other "what do you want for your birthday?". There's zero point buying something that isn't wanted. I don't see what's wrong with that.
Just be loud and clear with him.
"I would like this necklace for my birthday please. THIS one....not a similar one. This is the one I like".

You'll have to face your discomfort and be direct. "If you were thinking of getting me that initial necklace, please can you show me the ones you're looking at, because I don't like all of them and I really don't want the H Samuel one".

You just have to be honest. My DH and I no longer exchange gifts, if we want something specific we can choose and pay for it ourselves (joint bank account so it doesn't really matter). He bought me pierced earrings when we first started dating ... I don't have pierced ears . And I never forget his face when I bought him what I thought was a very tasteful pink golf shirt!

We now either don't bother with gifts, or choose something together for the house/restaurant meal etc .. or best of all for my birthday this year he gave my car a really good valet!

@BarbaraofSeville It was an artwork, and I wanted a specific picture. Also bought on my account because I have a subscription with a discount. No different to sending a link for DH to buy. Besides he was involved. I discussed the options with him & he measured up the space & made up paper templates & stood there holding them up so I could decide on the size. He'll also still take the DC shopping for something, which will inevitably be candles and lollies. We've been married a long time & who clicks 'buy' is irrelevant now.

Also we don't have much spare money & getting something for myself is a rare treat so I need it to be something I want.

I used to try to point DH in the right direction. One year, I said I’d like gloves and a hat to go with a snood I already owned. I said to pick a colour to go with the snood - it was sort of woven, with lots of lovely pastel colours for him to choose from. He chose sludge brown.

Another time, he bought me a really quite expensive watch, which I didn’t really like, but because it was so expensive, and he’d researched brands and so on (so it was a thoughtful gift) I felt bad saying I didn’t like it. I wore it for years until I had the courage to say, actually, I’d prefer a different watch.

Now I tell him what I want. Sometimes I even buy it myself. He usually gives me some smaller things which are safer (although he insists on buying button up pyjama tops, when he knows I don’t wear them 🙄).

He does the same - tells me exactly what he wants, and I buy it as well as some smaller things as a “surprise”.

I'm wondering if he's just choosing cheaper versions of things that are pointed out to him.

Might be projecting, but I had an ex who, upon being told exactly what I wanted, would go to the nearest 'pile 'em high' shop and buy a cheap copy (the electric blanket was a particular example - I wanted one with specific controls for feet and body, what I got was a generic heat-all-over electric blanket. Still an electric blanket, still, as ex thought, filling the brief, but NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR) because he was a bit of a cheapskate.

A way to turn it into a request is to send him a message that says “I’ve had a few ideas for my birthday if anyone asks you what I want, in case that’s helpful?” Then add a few ideas, including

• “necklace xx (it’s this specific one from shop xx that I like)”

Go and buy it! Then show him. That way if he's bought the H Samuel one, he'll return it and buy something different

You sound just like me. I like to choose my own things and have very specific taste. I don’t want something just because it’s from a shop or brand I like, that’s not enough. It sounds really petty but I struggle with keeping my possessions under control, I’m trying to get better and I only want to own things I really love and have bought mindfully.

My mum does it and it drives me crazy. I like nice skincare but have acne and only use certain brands, I can’t use just anything. She goes to the Clarins or Lancôme counter and either buys a gift set or asks advice from the assistant who has never seen my skin and doesn’t know what my routine is.

This is what happens when people feel that, for whatever reason, the can’t speak openly, honestly & frankly to their partners without risking causing upset / offence / conflict. That includes asking for what they do want and making it clear what they don’t.

Open, honest communication is the key to a good relationship. If this isn’t possible, it may indicate bigger problems.

Do you have a family member you can explain this to, and get them to tell him exactly what you want?

Actually I wondered this. I don’t know which shop you like but I am guessing that H Samuel is a much cheaper shop.

This is a time when it is more polite to be direct. You would this this, specific, necklace. If it is too expensive that is fine but you would rather wait and buy it yourself than get an alternative.

I'd probably say something like "Every since I said I like 'specific shop' necklace, I've had loads of adverts for it. I really like that shop. I know H Samuel and other places do those necklaces, but I'm not so keen on them"