DH is well meaning but gets it "wrong"

[dreambream]

I would like some advice please. Before anyone says, I am very grateful to have a lovely DH but I just want advice on how to navigate this.

I can be quite fussy with what I buy eg. I don't like buying tat and buying just for retail therapy, and I only really buy what I LOVE. And if I can't afford something I will save up for it rather than buy something that isn't exactly what I want. I just wanted to give some context as to how I buy/shop for myself. Sometimes, say when people gift me things I have to think about what to do with their gift eg. We recently moved to a new house and got things like a clock, bedsheets, soap dispensers as house warming presents. None of these are things that I would have chosen for myself and am now left with the problem of what to do with them. I am appreciative of all the lovely people I know and have expressed as such when receiving gifts. But internally I would rather just not receive anything or maybe a bunch of flowers etc

Anyway, for my birthday, DH usually likes my present to be a surprise but I just wish he'd ask me because otherwise I end up receiving quite expensive things that are just not my style/taste etc. The other day we were browsing some shops and I saw a new shop and said to him how I didn't know this shop was open in this country/was a shop in real life and not just online as I've been wanting a necklace from there for a while (some might say this is tacky, but it's the first initial of my DC who was born earlier this year and I'm excited to have something I've always thought mums have). Last night I was using DH 's phone and noticed he was looking at initial necklaces from H Samuel. It's my birthday next week and I know he is well meaning, but I just hope he doesn't buy it. I have in the past said if something is expensive I would like a heads up...

Anyway, AIBU? I don't want him to feel disheartened or unappreciated. Also, if you select YANBU, how should I tell him gently?

He’s trying a different shop because he still wants the element of surprise. So his way of giving you that is to get a necklace in the style he thinks you want but from somewhere else.
Can you compromise by giving him a list of things you would like (with links)? Then he can choose one so you won’t know what it is and he is happy that he got to surprise you.

Yes a list of ideas are a good thing then he can pick something or maybe a voucher for the place you are on about then you can buy your own.

It sounds like you find fault with every gift

If you want something specific you need to tell him, he isn't a mind reader.

I get it because I'm the same and I prefer choosing things myself. We'd had years of DH being well meaning but buying something not quite right and then me feeling guilty for not using/wearing it and vice versa.... I made mistakes with some of the presents I bought him.

We decided a few years ago to just buy each other token presents of "safe" items e.g. DH knows I like and am not fussy about chocolate, gin, house plants, bubble bath etc so he can choose which of those I'd like. Same with him I usually buy him socks, beer and whiskey. We don't spend big on presents for each other, just some little things to open and then we spend more money getting a babysitter and going out for a nice dinner together.

DH's side of the family do lists with links to specific items they want which I used to think was weird but I'm now converted. It's a list of ideas so the recipient won't know exactly what they're going to receive off their list but they get something they actually want.

From the other side, I now leave it to husband to buy his own present as what ever I got wasn't right and he loves spending on himself. And running up to Christmas/birthday if he has something new I usually say that can be for your birthday then. It sounds joyless but we don't really care about surprises.

I’m not sure it is that the OP wants very specific things but isn’t telling her DH. Not quite.

She says that he wants her presents to be ‘a surprise’. But she’d like to be able to choose as she likes very particular things. And she doesn’t feel able to just ask/tell him what she wants.

So it’s a silly communication issue. The only answer is to talk about it. Explain that you know he likes to buy presents that will be a surprise but you would prefer to have some input into that to ensure it’s not money wasted. Then send him links to what you do want.

I bet he would much prefer that you love your present, even if it means he’s not getting you a surprise.

You're going to have to get over this hurdle if you want to avoid receiving unwanted gifts. Being upfront about what you want is normal and not considered socially unacceptable. The first time you put in a request for a specific gift might feel awkward, but you'll get used to it the more you do it. And the alternative is surely more uncomfortable? Rejecting a gift or asking for the receipt so you can take it back is a much more difficult conversation than asking for what you want in the first place.

How we give and receive gifts, and what it means to us to give and receive gifts varies from person to person. Neither of you are right or wrong, just a bit mismatched on this particular issue.

I’m all about functionality or beauty while dh feels that if you would have potentially bought it for yourself, it’s not in the category of a gift. He’s done really well on occasion - like the year he bought me AirPods, but there’s so much potential to miss the mark. And I have to really strain my brain to figure him out. Fortunately we’re a good few years down the road now, and welcome advice and suggestions.

I think you’re going to have to speak up, in some way, and start communicating. Even just to say something oblique like “I’m so excited about XXX shop. I might go there this weekend to see if they have those initial necklaces. I’ve looked at other ones and they’re just not as nice at all. Even the more expensive ones”

Because she wants a particular one. They don't all look exactly the same and jewellery is a really personal thing.

A couple of times I've shown my partner exactly what I want and he's bought a cheaper version.
In one example it didn't work as well/wasn't what I wanted and I explained kindly that if it was an issue with the budget then I'd rather wait and save for that item than have an inferior version that doesn't do the same job.

He got it although was disappointed he'd got it wrong. It was worth a brief uncomfortable chat to avoid years of getting stuff I didn't want.

If you're in a relationship with someone you love it seems a bit mad that you can't be honest about a present.

Definitely send a link like the pp said! Be brave! What's the worst that can happen?

Dh is the worst present buyer
Now I just give him
lists!
he bought a necklace for my 50th which was almost right, but not what I’d have chosen myself even though I gave specifics I didn’t say exactly which one to get! I do wear it but not as often as I would’ve if it had been slightly smaller design. Think of little delicate pendant vs erring on side of medallion man 😆 (ok not that bad but I’m slight so need delicate!).

I don’t know how you can be close enough to someone to marry them and have a child together but not feel comfortable sending a link to the necklace and say ‘just so it means you don’t have to do any research, here’s a link to the necklace I want for my birthday’

How is the poor man supposed to win if you don’t tell him what you want.

This issue could be resolved by you messaging him right now and saying « please could you get me this for my birthday next week? « insert Link » Thanks love »

In this specific case with the necklace just tell him straight. Save him the bother of being "not getting it right" yet again.

However I think , when it comes to possessions, no one can get it right it seems. How can a soap dispenser be wrong?

Does your husband get any say in anything that goes in the house or for anything? He's pretty much on a hiding to nothing when it comes to gifts isn't he.

Is it a control thing? Do you know why? Best place to start if you want to loosen your grip.

My mum is like you. She buys herself sometimes tells my dad to give it to her as a present. Then feigns suprise on opening the present. It's farcical!!

My OHs birthday was this week and I got him an expensive gift.

He put the version he wanted into my bag on the app using my phone and I just paid for it wrapped and gave it to him. Bobs your uncle. Completely normal for couples to do that.

My mum is like you. She buys herself sometimes tells my dad to give it to her as a present. Then feigns suprise on opening the present. It's farcical!

We do this in our family but we nearly always forget what the gift was so it is a genuine surprise all over again.

I give DH a list as 2% he gets it right and the other 98% he gets it completely wrong. It’s so disappointing sat there with a pile of tat and cheap knock offs and then DH gets upset that I don’t act amazed like it’s the best things I’ve ever been given.

Ive said several time that he can go to Boots as there is lots of stuff I like in there, but he won’t. He insists on buying me random crap of Amazon that never gets used as apparently I have enough perfume, face creams, makeup, etc!

Well it’s a you problem and not a DH problem then

If he loves you then I am sure he wants you to have something you will love and use/wear rather than put in a drawer

He is obviously trying but you can help him so you are both happy.

I have a Pinterest board where I put links to things I would like as presents. I don't put loads on there, or update it that often, but it's there. It isn't a demand, just a resource. If my DP wants to get me a gift, he has the link to the board, so he knows where to look!

I would just be honest with him and other people and say you don’t want gifts this year and would appreciate just a card.

Perhaps you could say you are trying to declutter or not but unnecessary things due to the environmental factors.

With your DH id be a bit more honest and just say, there is nothing you actually want and you don’t want him buying you things and wasting his money.

Why not suggest him spending money on an activity you can do together instead or a mini break away.

I think that with adult gifts once you start needing to be this specific then it's time to knock it on the head. It all becomes a bit pointless and transactional.
Save yourselves the hassle, buy things yourself the things you really want and celebrate occasions without presents.

You sound like me OP, I'm very particular about what I like and don't want lots of stuff anyway. The only things I really want/buy are for my hobby or are very specific items. I hardly ever like gifts that I haven't chosen myself.
DH means well, but often misses the mark. I got another expensive perfume for Mother's Day which I'm not likely to ever use, it's such a waste. I would just be honest with him and send the link to exactly what you want. For Christmas I've said I'm booking a spa break for me and DH and that will be our present to each other.

Just tell him " I don't want you to feel disheartened or unappreciated but I don't like expensive surprises. I know you are really thoughtful and listen to what shops I like but I'd prefer to choose something myself. (Maybe give him an example of how he likes to choose something of his own himself) If you still want to surprise me then I'd love some flowers, chocs etc."

I think your best bet is talk with him honestly and explain, and then to create an official 'wish list' and make him understand that it's one (or more) of those specific items you would like, please. Otherwise it's just such a waste of money.

That way it's still a surprise (as you don't know what item(s) he'll choose, but you and he can know it'll be something you'll actually love and use.

You do need to be absolutely clear and unambiguous when you discuss it with him though, so there's no room left for misunderstanding. No use trying to hint.

I think a lot of men are like this op! I said I wanted some nice hoop earrings last Christmas and he did get me some lovely ones from Tiffany but I wanted gold as my other jewellery is gold and he bought silver.

He has asked once why I don't wear them much and I've said it's because I don't want to lose them (which is partly true as I've never owned jewellery this expensive) but it's also because then I have to change all my other jewellery and clean the hoops as the silver needs a polish cloth on it after a while!

This year, I have sent him a few links to specific necklaces I like and he can choose one of them for me!

I'm my own worst enemy as I love surprises but am very difficult to surprise!