DH is well meaning but gets it "wrong"

[dreambream]

I would like some advice please. Before anyone says, I am very grateful to have a lovely DH but I just want advice on how to navigate this.

I can be quite fussy with what I buy eg. I don't like buying tat and buying just for retail therapy, and I only really buy what I LOVE. And if I can't afford something I will save up for it rather than buy something that isn't exactly what I want. I just wanted to give some context as to how I buy/shop for myself. Sometimes, say when people gift me things I have to think about what to do with their gift eg. We recently moved to a new house and got things like a clock, bedsheets, soap dispensers as house warming presents. None of these are things that I would have chosen for myself and am now left with the problem of what to do with them. I am appreciative of all the lovely people I know and have expressed as such when receiving gifts. But internally I would rather just not receive anything or maybe a bunch of flowers etc

Anyway, for my birthday, DH usually likes my present to be a surprise but I just wish he'd ask me because otherwise I end up receiving quite expensive things that are just not my style/taste etc. The other day we were browsing some shops and I saw a new shop and said to him how I didn't know this shop was open in this country/was a shop in real life and not just online as I've been wanting a necklace from there for a while (some might say this is tacky, but it's the first initial of my DC who was born earlier this year and I'm excited to have something I've always thought mums have). Last night I was using DH 's phone and noticed he was looking at initial necklaces from H Samuel. It's my birthday next week and I know he is well meaning, but I just hope he doesn't buy it. I have in the past said if something is expensive I would like a heads up...

Anyway, AIBU? I don't want him to feel disheartened or unappreciated. Also, if you select YANBU, how should I tell him gently?

My DH is terrible at buying me stuff but incredible at arranging things to go out and do. So I ask for time with him, it's what I want anyway, and we end up having a wonderful time eg fantastic opera and a meal, weekend away etc.

As you seem to hate too much stuffstuff maybe put an embargo on buying objects, and go for experiences instead. You could both do it for each other. Especially nice during the New Year when it's grey and horrid. You could do this with other family members too.

You can then buy yourself the specific items, and get exactly what you want, as well as wonderful memories together.

I get that you find asking for what you want hard but you're going to have to buckle up and start.

Start small say what you want for dinner: be precise and detailed. Say you fancy a pizza: what kind, what extra toppings, chips or salad on the side or something else. When do you want it and where?

Move onto other things until you hit big things.

My eldest son once said to me that hints are no good. He needs to be told.!
So just tell your DH 😊😊

This is really good advice!

I know what you mean, I hate 99.999% of stuff which is total tatt and I’ve just told people not to buy me stuff.

I don’t want it in my space and I throw it out if I don’t like it.

as far as your husband is concerned, just tell him - he should have no problem.

When we had very (very very!) little money I hinted at something from dh for my birthday and he went and spent over a hundred euro on a gift set of the most full of too wide of a variety of products from a really fab beauty range( think hand cream, foot cream, clear nail varnish). It was unrelated to what I hinted at but I was torn between he remembered I adored that brand so I thanked him but gently told him ages after that that pharmacy did a number on him and that I’d have been ecstatic with any of their other stuff that would have cost so much less. Don’t get to this stage op, tell him!! The following year I pointed out a watch and raved about it in the shop and as we were leaving said ‘if you wanted me to pick out a present, I want this watch so badly. You think I’m saying that because it’s affordable but it’s actually not that at all. Get the watch and I’ll love it for life!’ We still laugh about the watch which cost twenty five quid but I still love it!! Definitely talk to him!

So, you want him to get it right when he reads your mind, and you refuse to communicate with him about it?

I'd say communication is a problem in your relationship, if you can't even bring yourself to say 'I'd like xyz for my birthday, if you're looking for a hint!'

What do you think would happen if you said that? What is it that worries you about it?

Just go down the no presents route

I get this. My partner is quite similar. The other year I wanted specific jewellery, with an inclusion. He knew this, but because he wanted it to be different and a surprise he instead bought me a kit to make my own…people train for years to make this inclusion jewellery and have it look good…I don’t want to make my own! I don’t know how to do it and I will probably mess it up, I haven’t ever made it and still don’t have any of the jewellery.
when I said all this he just said he’d googled and he thinks I can do it 😂🙈 it also wasn’t a kit, it was a load of random items put together himself as a kit.
it’s very difficult to handle I think. I once asked him, would you rather not get me the item rather than talk to me about it beforehand and it not be a surprise and he said he would rather it was a surprise and if it can’t be he would not do it. 🙈😂🤷🏽‍♀️

YANBU.
I am confused how he doesn’t know this about you though? Don’t you mention it when you receive a gift you don’t like? Surely he’s noticed the clocks not on the wall, the soap dispenser has disappeared or the bedding isn’t being used?

Its not shameful to have your taste in things or a list of things you’d like.
Communicate. Tell him, send a link to the one you want. He’s not a mind reader and if you’re not clear, he’ll make mistakes. Like shopping at H Samuel.

It's fine to be picky, but your pickiness doesn't make your husband a mind reader. Either you want a very specific thing, in which case email him a link with "I would like this one please" or show him it in the catalogue! Or you don't want to be that forward, you know he isn't a mind reader, so you decide just to drop hints and be happy which ever specific thing he gets you.

OP I am exactly the same as you. I like what I like.

When I worked in an office and we had to do the whole gifting thing, I ended up telling them not to buy me anything because I'd feel terribly guilty on them wasting their hard earned money on something I don't like/want/need - I know it comes across as rude but it's not and once I'd had that honest conversation they ended up letting me choose my own gift

Same with my friends and family, I have told them all not to buy me anything so they ask for a list of what I want/need and choose something.

I don't expect gifts, I am fussy and well aware of it but equally those around me are aware and choose to still buy me.

It's much nicer to speak up about it than end up with a load of rubbish that'll make the charity or be re-gifted x

I show my husband exactly what I would like, e.g. a pair of shoes, and tbh I think he is relieved that he doesn't have to worry about getting a big purchase wrong (I mean like £100 plus pair of shoes). You could also ask if he can get a gift receipt with any purchases, just in case it doesn't fit/look right/sit right on your neck/wrist etc. He would probably be glad of the pressure being taking off? I know my hubby is.

Just tell him what you'd like. 30+ years and gifts aren't that amazing now, he knows what I like and I know what he likes. These days we end up buying basics for each other as we have most of what we need/want. Like others have said time together is welcomed, afternoon tea dance, afternoon tea in a nice hotel, weekend away with dinner.

My husband send me links to bits of tech/mountain bike that he wants and in return he arranges a day out for me...this year was it was seeing red squirrels at York arboretum and a lovely country pub lunch (he drove) and it was perfect.

I am also very particular and hate "consuming" just for the sake of it .

My family tend to buy me wine or lovely chutneys/crackers from fancy food places..I love it, things I wouldn't buy myself but which don't take up space.

I always find it odd that children are encouraged to write letters to Father Christmas (aka a wish list) but so many adults can't communicate with the other adults in their life to say what they would actually like to have as a gift.

I've always had a problem with specifically asking for something I like. I will often say how much I like something. Or how much I hope to have something. But I always struggle with extending it into a request 😫

This is a you problem, then. You have two choices: a) communicate clearly about what you actually want or b) continue as you are and put up with receiving stuff you don't want. That's it, really.

Im similar and I hate surprises. I always send links to specifically what I would like. DH doesnt mind at all - makes it easier for him as he doesn't have to think about it and just orders it. We're all happy with this!

YANBU to have very specific tastes, but YABU if you don't actually tell people exactly what you want. You need to be a lot clearer.

My DP is pretty good at buying presents, not many misfires, but for something very personal and relatively permanent, like a piece of jewellery or a watch, we'd always go out and choose it together.

Giving someone specific instructions is about as exciting as telling someone you want cash. Real gifts have the pros and cons of being a genuine surprise and expression of love while potentially not being perfect.

@DonnaBanana Well, maybe for you - but not everyone feels like that! We're all different. Some people will obviously prefer a surprise, but for some people, being given exactly the thing you really, really want feels like more of an expression of love than a 'surprise' that you don't actually like. Equally, for some people, the biggest treat you could offer them is some cash to go out and treat themselves to a shopping spree, as for some people there's a real pleasure in browsing and choosing something. I, for example, LOVE shopping for books - so giving me a book token or even just money, so I can go into a huge bookshop and spend ages browsing and choosing some books, would be a much more exciting gift for me than some books that you'd chosen for me in the hope that I might like them.

However I think , when it comes to possessions, no one can get it right it seems. How can a soap dispenser be wrong?

Easily. I just had a quick Google of soap dispensers and there are different styles, materials, shapes. I wouldn't like or choose anything with gold on it for example. I wouldn't want black as it doesn't go with the bathroom. I don't like red/orange/yellow things in the house. I like to have things that I like, in colours and styles I enjoy.

Honestly just tell him what you want and from what shop! My DH gets it wrong too often as well so I usually just go shopping with him to get my Xmas and Birthday pressies. He buys me stocking fillers by himself but he knows anything else and I need to be with him! His taste is definitely not my taste!

The fact you’ve traded Tiffany for Ralph Lauren hurts my soul.

Initial necklaces? Ouch. I agree OP needs to be something you love

You have to tell him ….. learn from my experiences I’ve got 2 hairdryers, 3 baby bliss big hair stylers, a sideboard, a garden gate and most uniquely a reel of electrical cable for some of my gifts.

Just tell him! That’s what I do. If you are married and happy together there shouldn’t be anything you can’t say to each other or any awkwardness.
I’ve always just been direct and said I like x y z. Buy it for me! If I don’t like what he buys me I tell him again.
Now if it’s a friend then that’s different. I would just be grateful for whatever I get and if I don’t like it then give it to the charity shop, sell it or re gift it.