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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is well meaning but gets it "wrong"

112 replies

dreambream · 26/10/2023 06:49

I would like some advice please. Before anyone says, I am very grateful to have a lovely DH but I just want advice on how to navigate this.

I can be quite fussy with what I buy eg. I don't like buying tat and buying just for retail therapy, and I only really buy what I LOVE. And if I can't afford something I will save up for it rather than buy something that isn't exactly what I want. I just wanted to give some context as to how I buy/shop for myself. Sometimes, say when people gift me things I have to think about what to do with their gift eg. We recently moved to a new house and got things like a clock, bedsheets, soap dispensers as house warming presents. None of these are things that I would have chosen for myself and am now left with the problem of what to do with them. I am appreciative of all the lovely people I know and have expressed as such when receiving gifts. But internally I would rather just not receive anything or maybe a bunch of flowers etc

Anyway, for my birthday, DH usually likes my present to be a surprise but I just wish he'd ask me because otherwise I end up receiving quite expensive things that are just not my style/taste etc. The other day we were browsing some shops and I saw a new shop and said to him how I didn't know this shop was open in this country/was a shop in real life and not just online as I've been wanting a necklace from there for a while (some might say this is tacky, but it's the first initial of my DC who was born earlier this year and I'm excited to have something I've always thought mums have). Last night I was using DH 's phone and noticed he was looking at initial necklaces from H Samuel. It's my birthday next week and I know he is well meaning, but I just hope he doesn't buy it. I have in the past said if something is expensive I would like a heads up...

Anyway, AIBU? I don't want him to feel disheartened or unappreciated. Also, if you select YANBU, how should I tell him gently?

OP posts:
OhIDontKnowReally · 27/10/2023 23:19

I like surprises, but equally I'm quite fussy.

I point out various things I like and then my husband buys me one of them.

I've even told him previously that they are the specific ones I want so please just don't get me one similar!

Original poster
dreambream · 28/10/2023 00:10

Holliegee · 27/10/2023 20:51

You have to tell him ….. learn from my experiences I’ve got 2 hairdryers, 3 baby bliss big hair stylers, a sideboard, a garden gate and most uniquely a reel of electrical cable for some of my gifts.

Hehe this made me chuckle.

OP posts:
Wearealldoingourbest · 28/10/2023 06:35

When we got engaged my DH planned it as quite an elaborate surprise, but he did NOT buy "the ring" because he knows I have particular taste. After I said yes we went and shopped for the ring together. Some of my friends found this weird, but to me it makes no sense to beat around the bush about stuff like this. If DH is buying me a gift he's doing it to make me happy, and he may as well get it right the first time. So he knows to always ask me and that works for both of us stresswise and is less wasteful. It does mean I get fewer genuine surprises but also fewer awkward moments of pretending I love it. I'm sure your DH loves you for the person you are, including your clear ideas on what you like, and I'm sure he'd rather get the perfect present for you. Just tell him.

madeinmanc · 28/10/2023 07:29

Sorry to be blunt but you don't know how lucky you are (I appreciate this applies to all of us albeit relating to other things). You have someone who loves you, I don't have that and it's not going to happen, either. If the man I love bought me a tatty H Samuel initial necklace it would be the best thing anyone ever bought me 😔

saffy2 · 28/10/2023 07:55

It could also be like mine that I have told him, and he listens but doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want to buy me a gift that isn’t a surprise. He would rather not do the gift than it not be a surprise. It doesn’t matter how many times we talk about it, it makes no difference. Last year we had a slight improvement, but we’ve been together 12 years…! 😂
it’s not always a lack of communication that leads to these things x

Original poster
dreambream · 28/10/2023 08:01

madeinmanc · 28/10/2023 07:29

Sorry to be blunt but you don't know how lucky you are (I appreciate this applies to all of us albeit relating to other things). You have someone who loves you, I don't have that and it's not going to happen, either. If the man I love bought me a tatty H Samuel initial necklace it would be the best thing anyone ever bought me 😔

Thank you, I know I'm lucky and I'm grateful. But we have our fair share of bumps too.
I'm sorry to hear what you said though. I hope your situation improves or changes somehow xxx

OP posts:
OvertiredandConfused · 28/10/2023 08:07

We (DH, me and two now adult DC) have four WhatsApp groups - each one entitled “present ideas for”. Whenever we see something we might like we pop a link into the relevant group. If we subsequently acquire it, we add a comment to that effect. That way, gifts can be a surprise, but we’re fairly sure we’re buying something that is wanted.

Sallyingon · 28/10/2023 08:24

You just have to use your words. 'i can't believe that shop is open, I love their stuff please please could you get me an X necklace from there for my birthday,.I'll send you the link!'
I.dont see what is wrong with that.
If you don't have lots of money to spend on yourself it's lovely to get the exact luxury item you've been dreaming of for your birthday. That's always been my though process anyway. And I really think it's.pretty difficult to guess that sort of stuff

Mumof3children · 28/10/2023 10:25

The problem is you half say what you want (an initial necklace) but fail to be specific and then feel unhappy when your husband gives you what you said you wanted (an initial necklace) but not from a very specific brand (or maybe you even want a very specific one?) that you didn’t explicitly say.
It’s not very nice to your husband because you probably won’t wear the necklace if it’s not the one you wanted and your husband will think you’re really difficult to please /weird for asking something and then not liking it.
Either don’t say anything about what you want or say exactly what you want (because you don’t want an initial necklace, you want a very specific initial necklace from a certain brand) or accept that people are not going to give you what you want if you give half hints.
I feel sorry for your husband tbh if you don’t say clearly exactly what you want.

saffy2 · 28/10/2023 13:38

Mumof3children · 28/10/2023 10:25

The problem is you half say what you want (an initial necklace) but fail to be specific and then feel unhappy when your husband gives you what you said you wanted (an initial necklace) but not from a very specific brand (or maybe you even want a very specific one?) that you didn’t explicitly say.
It’s not very nice to your husband because you probably won’t wear the necklace if it’s not the one you wanted and your husband will think you’re really difficult to please /weird for asking something and then not liking it.
Either don’t say anything about what you want or say exactly what you want (because you don’t want an initial necklace, you want a very specific initial necklace from a certain brand) or accept that people are not going to give you what you want if you give half hints.
I feel sorry for your husband tbh if you don’t say clearly exactly what you want.

She told him while outside the shop that she didn’t know these were a shop and not just online because she wants an initial necklace from that shop…she told him exactly what she wants and from where as far as the op reads!
he has then come home and gone online to h Samuel to look at initial necklaces. When due to the conversation outside the shop, it was very clear that she wanted one from that shop, otherwise why did the conversation happen while at that shop?!

UndercoverCop · 28/10/2023 13:44

When we were first together I told DH I don't like present surprises because I find it awkward/stressful if I don't like something as I feel terrible that someone has wasted their hard earned money on something I will never use. He said that's fine I am very happy to return things I won't be upset at all, so that happened a few times, now he's more likely to stick to things he knows I like, books by certain authors, my favourite perfume, things he sees on my Pinterest boards etc and any surprises are smaller things of low value so if I like them great, if I don't either he returns it I don't feel bad not using them because it's not something expensive.

Holliegee · 30/11/2023 09:17

He was really proud of himself with the reel of electrical cable, not the cheaper stuff either !!! So, I can have plug sockets wherever I want all over the house (apparently) !!!

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