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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about adult christmas presents?

102 replies

latetothefisting · 25/10/2023 22:10

Wider family is divided between those who don't want to buy for adults this year, and those who want to keep buying for everyone (in total ten adults and 5 kids).

Those who don't want to have various reasons - they get stressed out buying presents/don't like receiving/there is literally nothing they want/are trying to save money/have been having a clear out so don't want more stuff/don't like 'tat' or just don't see the point of 'I'll buy you a bottle of wine you don't really want or need and then you'll give me a box of chocolates I'm not particularly keen on and could just buy myself." One person who is single says it's not fair they are expected to buy for e.g. a couple and 2 kids yet only ever get 1 present (of the same amount as they'd spent per person rather than for all 4) back.

The non-buyers are happy to continue buying for children.

Those who want to keep buying think it's tight not to when everyone in the family can technically afford to, and think gift exchange is a key part of Christmas and it would be miserable without it and would feel like just a random day with nothing special to distinguish it from any other. They say they'd feel embarrassed if someone asked them what they are getting their brother for Christmas and they answer 'nothing.' They are annoyed that they've suggested options like limiting presents to a tenner each but the non-buyers don't want to do that either (on the basis you can't get anything decent for that much so it's just more tat, and still ends up as £100 they'd rather save/spend on something else).

Last year we tried a secret santa with £100 budget which some people found an ok compromise but others disliked - non-buyers because it didn't solve any of the reasons they don't like buying, buyers because they still want to buy for everyone!

Anyone else facing the same issue and have any magical compromises? It's all getting a bit arsey on the family whatsapp group now and not exactly spreading Christmas cheer!

OP posts:
ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 22:14

The people that are having a strop about it need to grow up really.

It’s time consuming and costly. If they are embarrassed to say they aren’t getting people presents this year that’s their and their prides problem and it’s just silly.

DappledThings · 25/10/2023 22:18

I think you can only say what you are prepared to do and not get into huge negotiations. I'm fortunate that my side are all on board with no presents and have been for years. Only under 18s get actual presents, adults all get goats.

DH's family have gone back and forth. They've finally stopped doing adult stockings. Thank fuck. But still like to do a few big presents. I manage to get out of it on my side by getting DH to chose something he wants and then I claim it's a joint present. They didn't accept it when it was electric hedge clippers but did when it was a Bluetooth speaker.

If someone wants a present I'm happy to buy one but will still do everything I can not to receive. If that makes someone grumpy it's not my issue. They can grow up and deal with it or not. I'm happy to do what others want for themselves as long as they are happy to do what I want for me.

So if you end up buying for some people but not all then that has to be the compromise everyone makes.

Createausername1970 · 25/10/2023 22:22

We have a small family on both sides. My side don't exchange and hubby's do. So we exchange with the ones who do, and not with the ones who don't.

I don't think it has to be all or nothing, the ones who want to exchange sort it out between themselves, and the ones who don't can retreat gracefully from the group chat until January.

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:27

So if there are no children in the family nobody will give or receive any presents at all? That does sound a little miserable!

Also, it's quite important for children to learn that it's reciprocal, to save money and choose presents for others, not just be the recipients. How does that work in this setup, when there are children in the family? Do they not give any presents to the adults or each other?

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:32

Also from your OP is seems that a lot of the objections to gift giving are about unwanted/ pointless presents which indicates that it is insufficient thought going into choosing something meaningful for people that is the issue, rather than the concept of gift giving itself. The idea is to buy something for somebody that they wouldn't necessarily be aware of or buy for themselves, so a reluctance to engage in it (or people receiving gifts that can be described as "tat"!) seems to indicate a laziness and unwillingness to make an effort for others, which isn't exactly the culture most people would want to foster for Christmas.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 25/10/2023 22:33

Put everyone’s names in a hat, draw names for secret Santa. Specify a min and max spend

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:34

adults all get goats.

🐐🤔

DappledThings · 25/10/2023 22:38

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:34

adults all get goats.

🐐🤔

Yep.

https://www.goodgifts.org/goats-for-peace-1.

The classic, some might say stereotypical these days, charity gift.

EmmaDilemma5 · 25/10/2023 22:38

I wish we'd stop too! I put a lot more effort in than my family and I'm bored of getting crap presents every time. Stuff they would know I'm not interested in if they listened.

ncob · 25/10/2023 22:39

would much prefer for the gift-giving culture to be history or at least limited to children. we do on one side and not the other. it does cause stress every year and also a waste of time/money. no i dont think its miserable- theres lots of ways of having joy without gifting. (not against gifting in general, just hate the forced feeling of gifting that occurs at christmas. will happily buy and gift something spontaneously to DH/friend/relative)

Redcargidan · 25/10/2023 22:40

I'm in the camp of extended family adults not buying for each other. People do usually just buy tat and it gets very costly. There are better ways to spend that money. I buy for DH and usually parents but that is it, other than children. Christmas isn't just about gifts.

I remember we did secret santa one year to try that instead, and I got a "hook a poo" game. Like hook a duck, but hook a poo. I am in my 30s. Wtf.

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:43

@DappledThings thank you for explaining! I was trying to figure it out and it was really bugging me! 😆 That's a lovely idea. I adopted a donkey and he is so sweet (went to visit him once when I was visiting the area where his sanctuary is located).

Coffee473 · 25/10/2023 22:44

We did a secret Santa for the adults last year and it went pretty well- limit was £20. We used an app called Elfster, and people could put suggestions for things they wanted. Everyone still bought for the DC too.

DappledThings · 25/10/2023 22:44

How does that work in this setup, when there are children in the family? Do they not give any presents to the adults or each other?
Not crossed this bridge yet at Christmas. If they ask at any point both of us would help them pick something out but I'm never going to create the expectation. I hate having to come with ideas for what I want, I hate the idea of anyone stressing out trying to guess for something for me (which as I don't want anything would be impossible) and I absolutely hate the idea of them being older and having to go through that rigmarole.

But they get the idea about it being what the other person wants. So they get DH and GPs stuff for birthdays and I'll make sure they know families are all different and they may well have partners later who do buy for each other and other adults. I don't think it's that complex an idea to learn.

DappledThings · 25/10/2023 22:46

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:43

@DappledThings thank you for explaining! I was trying to figure it out and it was really bugging me! 😆 That's a lovely idea. I adopted a donkey and he is so sweet (went to visit him once when I was visiting the area where his sanctuary is located).

Pleasure. We go a bit off-piste these days and get stuff from Choose Love, or I made a RNLI gift for my parents last year. One year I went back to Good Gifts and selected £10 of bull sperm for my dad. That was a great year!

Millybob · 25/10/2023 22:46

Non-buyers should do exactly as they like. Buyers may then buy for the joy of giving, if they really must, but will probably feel sufficiently resentful for the whole stupid business to die out within three years at most.
If anybody feels embarrassed when asked what they're giving their brother - and I have to say my friends/neighbours have never inquired - then by all means feel free to brag, 'A Porsche.'
If anyone suggests goats/fucking secret Santa (especially at £100!), then please do spit in their sprouts.

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/10/2023 22:48

We do secret Santa for adults who are together on the day. £60 limit so it's something decent rather than a pile of tat. Kids get bought for. I always by for my child free
For whatever reason as they buy for my kids.

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:53

@DappledThings my DCs love thinking of presents for each other and that they have this secret to keep, imagining how the other one will react when they open it, wrapping it up for them etc. I think it's lovely. They are also very sweet in that they always want one of my friends to take them shopping to choose a present for me (lone parent). They ask to do the same at my birthday and mother's day). They're still quite small and I think it's sweet that they want to do this - and for their extended family too - and good that it's not all about them getting things but also giving. Appreciate all families are different though.

I guess the other thing about this "let's only give to partners" is that is quite crappy for lone parents. I always host Christmas for our extended family and I have to say I would think it pretty poor form if it was suggested all of the other adults should receive presents because they are in couples, but I should receive nothing because I am "extended family". So I'd be the only one on Christmas Day with no gifts, except the little token things my DC have chosen for me... while hosting Christmas in my house at great expense and hassle!

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:54

One year I went back to Good Gifts and selected £10 of bull sperm for my dad. That was a great year!

🤣🤣🤣

DappledThings · 25/10/2023 22:56

I guess the other thing about this "let's only give to partners" is that is quite crappy for lone parents. I always host Christmas for our extended family and I have to say I would think it pretty poor form if it was suggested all of the other adults should receive presents because they are in couples, but I should receive nothing because I am "extended family"
Oh I quite agree with that. On my side none of the adults buy for each other, including partners. That would be unfair otherwise.

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:59

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:54

One year I went back to Good Gifts and selected £10 of bull sperm for my dad. That was a great year!

🤣🤣🤣

I presume they didn't send this to him, gift wrapped and all? 😁

MidasChoc · 25/10/2023 23:00

We do a 2-present secret Santa, where everyone buys for 2 people (and everyone receives 2 gifts as well).

Like a PP there is a list for people to nominate some things they'd enjoy receiving, so you can buy something you know they'd like, or go off list if you think if something else you want to give them.

The amount is usually around €30 per gift.

We include children in the secret Santa too. Most adults participate but a couple have opted out which is fine.

DappledThings · 25/10/2023 23:01

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 22:59

I presume they didn't send this to him, gift wrapped and all? 😁

Show quote history

Indeed not. But I did print the gift certificate nice and big for him

Nepmarthiturn · 25/10/2023 23:02

🤣

Friendofdennis · 25/10/2023 23:07

I stopped doing secret Santa when everyone else got thoughtful gifts and I had the Dove Set. It made me feel so crap