about adult christmas presents?

[latetothefisting]

Wider family is divided between those who don't want to buy for adults this year, and those who want to keep buying for everyone (in total ten adults and 5 kids).

Those who don't want to have various reasons - they get stressed out buying presents/don't like receiving/there is literally nothing they want/are trying to save money/have been having a clear out so don't want more stuff/don't like 'tat' or just don't see the point of 'I'll buy you a bottle of wine you don't really want or need and then you'll give me a box of chocolates I'm not particularly keen on and could just buy myself." One person who is single says it's not fair they are expected to buy for e.g. a couple and 2 kids yet only ever get 1 present (of the same amount as they'd spent per person rather than for all 4) back.

The non-buyers are happy to continue buying for children.

Those who want to keep buying think it's tight not to when everyone in the family can technically afford to, and think gift exchange is a key part of Christmas and it would be miserable without it and would feel like just a random day with nothing special to distinguish it from any other. They say they'd feel embarrassed if someone asked them what they are getting their brother for Christmas and they answer 'nothing.' They are annoyed that they've suggested options like limiting presents to a tenner each but the non-buyers don't want to do that either (on the basis you can't get anything decent for that much so it's just more tat, and still ends up as £100 they'd rather save/spend on something else).

Last year we tried a secret santa with £100 budget which some people found an ok compromise but others disliked - non-buyers because it didn't solve any of the reasons they don't like buying, buyers because they still want to buy for everyone!

Anyone else facing the same issue and have any magical compromises? It's all getting a bit arsey on the family whatsapp group now and not exactly spreading Christmas cheer!

In my family, we buy for children and our parents/grandparents and me and my siblings have a secret santa, which includes also buying a present for the partners/spouses of the person you get. I am one of five though so the secret santa just with my siblings makes a significant difference for us.

We had this, tried adult secret santa for a couple of years and still buy kids but even that didn't work really as someone ultimately would not spend the full budget or put any effort in.

Now I buy for the children and i buy for the adults who don't have children but buy for my dd (and spend roughly the same they do). Box of chocolates (e.g. celebrations) to the adults with children.

I'm sure someone is still pissed off in this situation (usually the ones who caused all the drama in the first place) but I'm happy with my choice.

No-one buys DP or I as we gave DD and they buy her. I'm happy with this.

We do godkids only as the list went on and on... my side both sisters have 3 so thats another 6 kids. Endless. Hate it. So thats before I even buy for my kids lol. Godmother to friends kid too.

*I enjoy buying presents for people and wouldn’t like telling someone I can’t get them anything.

Also, if someone is single and there is no one else to buy for them it seems mean that they won’t get bought anything.

the single person complaining that he gets 1 present but buys 4 has a point but maybe the family needs to buy them more rather than stop altogether.*

Personally this is all too transactional for me.

I don't think Christmas should centre on gifts anyway.

A lovely meal and time with people you love. I hate the over consumption and the gift 'calculations' .

Love a secret santa for adults.

We avoid tat by circulating wish lists in advance. Hopefully the list is longer than the likely number of presents so you still get a surprise. Love seeing the steady accumulating of parcels under the tree, and post-dinner present unwrapping is a key part of our celebrations. Over 10 years since we had any children .

My MiL is on her own now and DH only has 1 brother who is also on his own so no chance of us stopping. In my family parents have both been dead now over 10 years but I have 4 sisters. We just meet up and have a nice Xmas lunch out somewhere early December. We split the bill and had a lovely time.

I have to be honest and say that in my experience most people aren't as good as buying gifts as they think they are. I've had my fair share of what I'm sure people thought were meaningful and thoughtful gifts which have gone straight in the bin/to the charity shop.

Things like, Oh I've I got you your favourite author's most recent book - Yes, because they are my favourite I've been on the waiting list since the book was announced and read it 6 months ago when it came out. Or 'I know you love cats so I've got you a candle/mug/pyjamas with cats on it - Yes I like the actual real purry snuggly animals, why would that mean I want cheap novelty shit with cartoon versions on that doesn't go with anything else in my house! So all of that would come under 'useless tat' for me despite the person obviously trying their best and thinking they've done well.

The other option is that people who love things and gifts seem incapable of understanding when other people don't. I have a minimalist style and just. don't. like. stuff. I don't get tempted by things, I don't 'have' to have things. I walk through a shopping centre and come out with literally only the exact thing I went in for. I don't get any pleasure from 'treating' myself to new clothes/house stuff/make up (particularly stuff that would come within the average Christmas present budget) because for me it's not a treat, it actively stresses me out to have too much stuff that I then have to keep tidy and choose between etc.

As for the 'something you wouldn't normally treat yourself to', again, I'm a grown woman who is financially solvent, if there is a rare thing I want I'll get it then and there. I can't think of anything worse than wanting/needing something in September and then going without it until December on the off chance someone might have bought it for me!

I am completely aware that the above make me incredibly fussy and an absolute pain to buy for which is why I tell people NOT TO BOTHER. It also probably makes me not the greatest present buyer (although because I'm not a complete cow I do try my best), so, again, you'd think people would be happy to just not receive my paltry efforts and feel they have to reciprocate and just spend their money on themselves or people who will appreciate their gifts.

I am 100% in agreement with your non-buyers.

@easylikeasundaymorn you have touched on one of the things that I think is ridiculous about the round robin of gift giving at Christmas. There's this expectation that I spend £x on you so you spend £x on me. We both buy things that the other person may not have bought for themselves - so effectively the transaction works out as me having spent £x to get something I don't want.

And people do the whole telling others what they want - but you only have to look on here at Christmas Day to see the multiple posts of 'i told them what I wanted but they got the wrong one/size/colour/make to see that doesn't work.

If my friends and family network are anything to go by though, it does seem like more and more people are choosing to cut down on this daft tradition. That can only be a good thing!

There's much more joy to be had, imo, by buying a gift for someone out of the blue for no reason other than you saw it and thought of them, than there is by buying out of some sense of obligation because society pressures us into it, and the companies have managed to advertise it to us in such a way that we feel like that's what is supposed to happen.

I’m a Teaching Assistant and already have lots of kindly given candles/soaps/mugs etc from children’s parents at Christmas and July. Some are just what I would choose( linen smells etc) and others are not(sweet smelling) and there are only so many mugs with Best TA that I can get away with in my house. You see I really appreciate the thought from each family but I can’t keep and use all this stuff. Same goes for wider family gifts . I have 3 pairs of silver studs from aunts /mil. I don’t wear silver but I’m not going to say I only wear gold because I’m not comfortable with asking for specific gifts. I really want nothing . I love a painted picture or card with nice words from parents/children and I just want the company of adults at Christmas time.
Thanks for listening, that feels better out than in

Secret santa via Elfstar with 3 suggestions around the £100 mark each. You get one present you want but don't know which of the 3 things you've put down you'll get. Works out so much cheaper than buyer for all adults.
Kids still get presents but also do lists so it's a crap free zone.

Totally agree with @easylikeasundaymorn . I just don't like "stuff". It stresses me out being given something I don't need as I struggle keeping on top of the house as is. It also seems like such a massive waste of money.

@NoGNoDNoClue I agree. I often buy a gift out of the blue for DH or DDs . Buying because you have to think of something is joyless.

We, thankfully stopped doing gifts last year for wider family. The children were no longer children and frankly some of them earn more than we do! One family (A) had suggested stopping it a few years ago with a suggestion of a charity donation to a specific charity instead. Another family (B) didn't want to donate to that charity snd said they loved shopping for presents for everyone - and so it carried on. We (C) were happy to stop but everyone carried on because it was what family B wanted. Imagine my surprise when my next gift off family B was clearly something they'd been given and regifted to me. It still had the tag in saying who it was from! So much for loving shopping for presents!!

Honestly OP, I have some sympathy for the adults that want to keep buying for everyone, even though I know on mumsnet I appear to be in the minority! I think what people need to understand is that gift giving and receiving is genuinely some people’s love language and it is what makes them feel loved, valued and appreciated by family.

I was honestly quite upset when my mum and sister started making noises years ago about wanting to reduce the cost and hassle and “stuff” of Christmas and maybe we don’t need adult presents etc. At the time, money wasn’t really a huge issue (it’s become more so for all of us since!) and I felt Christmas would be completely miserable without presents. People on here saying that people like me need to just grow up and it’s not all about materialism etc. are kind of missing the point in my opinion, I do enjoy getting presents but actually most of the fun for me is in finding the right gifts for people and giving them (I also weirdly really enjoy wrapping presents!) Although there was definitely a bit of hurt there in that I felt people were saying to me that money spent on a gift for me was a waste of their money kind of thing.

But at the same time I can appreciate that the cost of living is expensive, gifts aren’t everyone’s love language (my sister regards most things as utter tat, is very minimalist, too much stuff causes her stress, and she is an absolutely ruthless declutterer!), my parents genuinely have everything they need and don’t want to put pressure on us, nobody is going to have a good Christmas if they’re worrying about money and I’d hate buying a present for me to be the reason someone is putting themselves into debt or worrying about money over Christmas. It’s also frustrating as a gift giver to find out via kids that your carefully considered and expensive present has gone straight to the charity shop! And sort of sucks all the fun out of it anyway….

One Christmas we decided to do homemade presents but everyone found it quite stressful 🤣 We basically eventually compromised with a middle ground of no more adult stockings (which was a thing originally!), still buying for kids (though we are all mindful of each other’s financial circumstances and so suggest a range of cost options for presents for our kids on gifster!) and for my 3 siblings we do a sibling and spouses secret Santa with gift suggestions on gifster if you end up with the person you know least well or who is hardest to buy for (initially this was capped at £20 but over the years has crept up to £40-50 to keep pace with inflation! A range is good because it allows people with more money or less time or who have gifts as a love language to spend more without it being a problem, while allowing people with less cash to stick to the bottom end of the budget without anyone being offended), and over the years this has worked out really well. The sibling and spouse secret Santa is particularly good in sorting out the single person versus couple lack of equality which can creep in (I understand presents shouldn’t be exactly transactional but it can be difficult to be the single person in this equation every year especially if money is tighter for you, although prior to this we solved this by doing a present for the couple or single adult of the household to be roughly equal in value). Then for everyone else everybody is basically free to make their own arrangements! My parents know that I don’t have a lot of money and I know they genuinely don’t want me getting in debt to get them stuff, they feel they have everything they need, so we just exchange token gifts like a book or box of their favourite chocolates etc. but my sister who is much more financially secure will often treat them to something much more extravagant for example.

There is definitely a part of me that still feels the fun has been sucked out of Christmas a bit by reducing the costs this way over the years, I think especially because I’m on my own and so whereas my siblings and parents get their main Christmas gifts from their spouses, I don’t actually get much myself at the end of the day these days. However, I also spend a lot less than I used to so I feel more free to spend a bit of money on myself around Black Friday or in pre-Christmas or Boxing Sales than I would have previously. And I definitely feel less stressed about money at Christmas than I used to. And I know lots of the rest of my family would be totally happy to abandon ship altogether when it comes to presents except for the kids. They still enjoy a thoughtful present though!

OP I think one of the main things you’ve got wrong here is making the secret Santa budget too high! Try lowering it to £40-50 and you might find that’s a compromise people can live with better. People need to see that there is a payoff in doing this in terms of being left with more money for themselves as well as less stress/shopping for presents, and how that works out for them. You also need to work out what the reduction in gift giving is going to allow more time and energy for that you’ll enjoy together as a family. We definitely spend more quality time than we used to because we’re not all rushing around sorting presents at the last minute during the holidays once we are off from work. We go for walks, watch Christmas movies, play board games together etc. I can appreciate that side of things just as much as I can appreciate the reduced cost even though it still wouldn’t be my personal choice!

We have some non buyers but for those that do, every child who is bought for and every adult is just £10 each. They can be clubbed together, everyone has a list so everyone gets what they want. Pretty much every year my £10 and Dh's £10 are clubbed together from both my sister and my Dad meaning a gift up to £40. We sent my sis a link to some lovely mugs which were much needed. If they amount to £37 or whatever no one is quibbling over £3. The £10 limit means no one is spending stupid amounts of money as we are a small family.

It works well for us and has done for years. We are all happy to buy vouchers toward spa days or certain shops because for us it is everyone getting what they want.

At my side of the family, we've stopped the exchange between adult siblings to sibling and spouses. One exception is my brother who is unmarried and childless and whose birthday falls in December too. We all know we love each other and would help out with anything needed during the year. At this point, I have also discontinued for my adult nephews who are in their late twenties and can't be arsed to telephone or text to say "thanks!"

At DH's side, we suggested this and were shot down. I am known as the grinch who tried to murder the spirit of Christmas. So, I've endured almost a quarter of a century of tat that goes straight to the charity shop come New Year. I put a lot of thought into what I think they might like and I feel like they never do it for me. It's quite disheartening really. So much so that I try to avoid the actual gift exchanging itself. I have simple tastes really. I'd love a goat or a book token. I always try to include a gift receipt so they can change our gift to them.

So suggest that the non-buyers just buy for kids and the buyers carry on buying for everyone. That’s more or less the only compromise that suits most.

The DH has 3 siblings, only 2 of whom have kids. All the kids are over 16. Sibling 3 told us his kids didn’t want gifts after they left for uni. After receiving a birthday present from us a few years back he told us that he wasn’t exchanging gifts with the other siblings anymore and that only the children were getting gifts. I figured out - I think because of a WhatsApp post - that this wasn’t correct. So currently we buy Birthday and Christmas gifts for all the siblings + the children of SIL, buy a token foodie gift at Christmas for BIL and his wife and their grown up kids. We also seem to rec gifts back from him. No one has ever really been too extravagant with gifts, so it seems ok.

My side of the family is smaller - basically I just have SIL who is my bro’s widow and her grown up sons and their young kids. Despite no blood tues we are close and exchange gifts.

We do secret Santa with a £50 limit and lists with actual things you want/need. That way everyone gets something and gets to buy something. But I think the key is giving suggestions. If you don't need anything then ask for the shower gel, moisturiser, socks etc you always use as you'll use it eventually. If you really want that pair of earrings but you don't need them then ask for them. If you don't want anything at all ask for one of those charity gifts of a goat or seeds or something for someone else.

I think there is only one person in our family who is a bit crap at gifts but generally if they are told 'Buy this' they can manage it.

Why wouldn't it just be a secret Santa for those who want to participate? It doesn't have to be a big deal

Make the Secret Santa opt in. Non buyers don’t participate at all. Each adult buys for one other participating adult. You can get an app which will randomly allocate SS and you can add a list of suggested gifts for yourself.

Why not all contribute to a whole family activity?

If you are roughly 50/50 and there are enough of you, would it work to just let adults choose to be on "team presents" or "team no presents"? The first lot all exchange gifts amongst themselves, the others give each other the gifts of time (by saving shopping time) and space (less Stuff) and enjoy a glass of prosecco while watching the others open gifts. It seems to me the problem is each group is trying to get the others to fall in with them, but do they need to?

I would much prefer to do no gifts from extended family, but if I were child free and single I suspect I'd feel very differently.

I think anyone who buys for children should get a token back though, even if just a little box of chocolates or something "from the kids".

I’m only buying for my brother’s DC this year and my daughter. I have said I don’t want anything for Christmas to the family. I have too many things and buy things as I need them. I’m currently decluttering and have found silly Christmas presents that have never been used and I probably can’t sell.
It seems to be ok so far.
I don’t understand why anyone would go in a strop - it’s a lot less stress.