about adult christmas presents?

[latetothefisting]

Wider family is divided between those who don't want to buy for adults this year, and those who want to keep buying for everyone (in total ten adults and 5 kids).

Those who don't want to have various reasons - they get stressed out buying presents/don't like receiving/there is literally nothing they want/are trying to save money/have been having a clear out so don't want more stuff/don't like 'tat' or just don't see the point of 'I'll buy you a bottle of wine you don't really want or need and then you'll give me a box of chocolates I'm not particularly keen on and could just buy myself." One person who is single says it's not fair they are expected to buy for e.g. a couple and 2 kids yet only ever get 1 present (of the same amount as they'd spent per person rather than for all 4) back.

The non-buyers are happy to continue buying for children.

Those who want to keep buying think it's tight not to when everyone in the family can technically afford to, and think gift exchange is a key part of Christmas and it would be miserable without it and would feel like just a random day with nothing special to distinguish it from any other. They say they'd feel embarrassed if someone asked them what they are getting their brother for Christmas and they answer 'nothing.' They are annoyed that they've suggested options like limiting presents to a tenner each but the non-buyers don't want to do that either (on the basis you can't get anything decent for that much so it's just more tat, and still ends up as £100 they'd rather save/spend on something else).

Last year we tried a secret santa with £100 budget which some people found an ok compromise but others disliked - non-buyers because it didn't solve any of the reasons they don't like buying, buyers because they still want to buy for everyone!

Anyone else facing the same issue and have any magical compromises? It's all getting a bit arsey on the family whatsapp group now and not exactly spreading Christmas cheer!

Ultimately, the people who don't want to buy need to just say, well, we are no longer buying for adults. We don't want you to buy for us, but obviously can't stop you if that somehow makes you happy, but to be clear, from now on we will just be getting for any dc in the family until they get to 18.

It is such a better, less stressful Christmas once you get your head round cutting down on all the pointless present buying. The first year we did it, it was just bliss, and I still smile about it now.

We have one day around Christmas when the whole family are together. There are 22 of us and we have tried various ideas with presents. Initially each adult couple bought for 3 of the kids randomly selected and that was a present from the family. Then we changed it to everyone buying themselves a gift up to£20 and wrapping it up in brown paper and we deposited them all secretly in a big IKEA bag and then after meal we all sit round and everyone is given a gift randomly. Someone is chosen to open first gift and we all have to try and guess who bought themselves that gift. When we decide, it is given to that person and they open the gift they are holding. The game continues until all are opened and allocated to someone. Then anyone with correct gift stand up and they are then out of game. It continues until last person has the correct gift and they are then the winner and get an extra prize. It is one of the highlights of Christmas Day. The youngest child is now 16 so we no longer have adults v kids and all just play together. No one spends more than£20 and it is a gift you know you want,( although some more competitive family members may buy random crap to confuse people and try and win!!)
Christmas to our family is about the birth of Jesus and we really do not need more than a token gift. I am so thankful I don't have to buy for 22!!

@vdbfamily that sounds really fun! Much more fun than a secret santa, which often seems to have disappointing results.

This, plus also some of us love the tat element of Christmas. I love parading round in a tacky pair of reindeer socks. It’s what Christmas is about. I’d hate someone spending their money on an expensive present if they couldn’t afford it and I find it a bit strange that even if someone did think it was acceptable for someone to spend their money on them rather than food that they would admit to it. I think I would just stay out of it and just buy for whichever people I wanted to.

Does it have to be all or nothing with adults? Last year we instigated adult siblings not buying for each other, but gifts still exchanged between parents and adult children. I.e. I still bought for and received from my parents and MIL but no longer bought for my sister, bil, sil or her partner. I thought that worked well. Adults still get some presents, so children don't think it's all about them, but not loads. Of course that only applies if parents still alive.

We still bought for nieces and nephews (although we have the same number if children as each of our siblings so very fair, I can see it might not work as well in your situation).

All you can do is choose which option you prefer and put your view on the group chat either - 'I am looking forward to seeing you all at Christmas but will not be buying gifts for adults so please don't be offended' ..
or 'I am looking forward to seeing you all at Christmas and am choosing to continue to buy gifts for all adults but absolutely don't expect or need anything in exchange'.

End of.

If people are offended by either decision then so be it .. you can't be responsible for how other people feel.

I'd look into getting a big bag of coal to share between adults.

We get together so this would not work if you don’t have a gathering.

We have a $25 limit. Anyone who wishes to participate buys a gift, wrapped, unlabeled.

We take numbers and #1 gets first pick. If #2 likes #1s gift, he can take it and #1 goes back to the pile. Once a gift has been touched 3 times, it’s out of the game. It ends up being hilarious as there are shenanigans and conspiracies to get gifts. Since none of them cost too much, no one minds. We are usually about 25 people.

gifts are often lottery scratch tickets, alcohol, small gadgets, books, fuzzy blankets (always popular), themed things like a mug and a Starbucks card etc etc.

I just can’t be arsed any more buying gifts for grown ups except my kids and I’d be happy to just give them money!

When our kids were younger, they did a gift exchange with their cousins, $20 limit, one gift each, names out of a hat.

We stopped buying presents for Siblings (birthdays and christmas) but did buy for their kids (we only do £20) and we are all in the position to be able to afford it.
We did buy for our parents.
We used to have a 20 birthday limit but we joked that we just passed the same 20 around.
I don't see the point of spending a lot on a secret santa for one person, even with some ideas , you know someone won't buy something decent or someone won't be happy. If some people say no to buying gifts, those who say yes cannot force them to buy something, and vice versa.
A token present is a waste of time and money. Noone really wants it, just spend the money your saving on yourself/family .

We don't buy for adults and I don't want to anyway. We only buy for kids. But what do is all bring something really nice to eat and share. I much prefer that.

The non buyers are being miserable fucks.

We buy until 21 then it’s only our partners and our own Dc or adult Dc. Everyone is onboard. As an adult I find the gift part unimportant apart from immediate family gifts.

In your situation op if you can’t reach an agreement, maybe alternate each year between gift buying and not.Or set a small limit and pick from a list of gifts suggested .

God I would hate that. I’m not a foodie at all. What a waste.

YANBU. I the same issue. I’m the tight arse skint one who would rather spend time together rather than buy tat to receive tat

The non buyers are being miserable fucks.

Depends how big your family is. It's quite miserable being overloaded with a list of people and not enough time and money to do the list.

Is that the fun thing then?

Ultimately everyone can do what they like but they can't expect to dictate what others give. Those who want to give can but those who don't want to can't be made to. This is the approach I take.

Don't spend or don't spend much if you will be annoyed if you don't get something comparable back!

Why doesn't everyone just gift a present if they want to gift one and don't of they don't. I thought the point of gift giving was to do something nice and not get one in return?

I enjoy buying presents for people and wouldn’t like telling someone I can’t get them anything.

Also, if someone is single and there is no one else to buy for them it seems mean that they won’t get bought anything.

the single person complaining that he gets 1 present but buys 4 has a point but maybe the family needs to buy them more rather than stop altogether.

Also it's not just about the money. Some people find having to choose and buy a gift or several gifts stressful.

I have a relative who loves exchanges and so is quite generous except she usually gets annoyed when it isn't reciprocated. I've told her not to give if she will expect something in return and that frankly some people have enough to do without having another obligation placed on them.

That’s a lovely idea, but completely unrealistic in a society where many people have quite a lot of disposable income and buying stuff is incredibly easy. It’s not like Little House on the Prairie where giving your dad a pair of gloves you’ve spent three months knitting means his chilblains get cured. And frankly, it’s these ridiculously unrealistic expectations that make present shopping so stressful.

We stopped doing gifts for wider family a few years ago. I just buy for my children. It's bliss!!

We prioritise spending time together over spending money.

Working in retail has made me very cynical about this level of gift giving. Shops are basically taking everyone for mugs with their overpriced items that nobody really wants or needs, that they price up based on selling them on a 3 for 2 deal. Christmas is basically big business. Every shop is full of tat, a lot of which will be used once or twice before being discarded. The amount of packaging for these items is massive - just think of how much rubbish is created in your home as people open gifts, then consider that multiplied up over a whole country. It's insane!

I'll stick to my low cost, low stress but high levels of enjoyment, festive season.

I love Christmas, and presents, but have really enjoyed not exchanging gifts with other adults (in practice, siblings - like a PP we kept up parent/child exchanges). The reduction in stress was absolutely incredible and meant I rediscovered lots of other things I like about Christmas. We did other things like always go to a Christmas performance or show, spent time gathering holly and ivy, had the neighbours round for drinks etc. I know you can do both but it's easier without present stress.

In this situation I agree just decide what you're going to do, and do that. Frankly the ones who say they're embarrassed to talk to other people about not exchanging gifts need to grow up.

We have a done Secret Santa amongst the adults in the family for some years now and it works really well - you only have to think of and buy one gift so saves time & money while reducing consumerism. I've noticed there's a tendency to buy experiences to do together so it leads to more days out in various combinations for family members which is lovely in itself and so much better than another item for the home/clothes etc

I hardly buy for any adults except DH. Exceptions to this is that I will buy M&S Christmas food gifts for 2 cousins who don't have children but always buy for my kids. Apart from that it's kids only