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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown ups don't have 'best friends'

106 replies

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 25/10/2023 14:47

I have a friend who constantly refers to her 'best friend' and every time she does it I feel like she reminding me of where I am in the heirarchy, i.e. middling to bottom. AIBU that grown ups don't have 'best friends' and if they do they don't refer to them as such when they are with other, not so best friends?? It's really annoying me and not sure if IABU

OP posts:
jiinglebells · 25/10/2023 14:49

It sounds to me like you're placing more importance on the phrase than she is! She might refer to you as her best friends when with other people. It's just a term!

ManagedMove · 25/10/2023 14:51

Completely agree. I have a lovely friend who does this, always raises my inner eyebrow tbh. I personally definitely have friends who I prefer to spend time with but I don't feel the need to use the term best friend. Honestly that would be my husband anyway.

purpleme12 · 25/10/2023 14:51

I do have a best friend but I don't think I ever reference her as my best friend when I talk about her!
Just call her my mate

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 14:52

I love my best friend. And I'm ancient. I tend not to call her that to people who consider me a close friend who I'm less close to. That's just rude.

Sheeponacid · 25/10/2023 14:52

Well, I've got a best friend. I do describe her as such - she lives a really long way away so a lot of my friends haven't met her, so that's how I explain who she is and why I periodically go to the other end of the country to see her.

MissingMoominMamma · 25/10/2023 14:53

I have several! 😃

Cumbrianlife · 25/10/2023 14:58

I might not say it out loud but we would both know instantly who to say if asked and have been for over 30 years. Maybe it's because we weren't adults when we met.
I am fortunate the have three very close friends from different spheres of my life, although BF is as much family as my siblings. When my adult DC have events she would always be included, the others usually are, but not always.

Catza · 25/10/2023 15:00

I definitely have a best friend. It's my school friend whom I known for 30 years and the only person in the world whom I may not see for 5 years then sit down at her kitchen table and carry on a conversation as if we just spoke yesterday.
I once did refer to her as my best friend in front of the other friend and felt embarrassed as it was coming out of my mouth. It was an automatic thing and I didn't for a second mean that the other friend was not important to me. The "other friend" however did end up distancing from me several years later for reasons that are still unclear to me which only made my value my bestie more.

Puppypower83 · 25/10/2023 15:02

I always find this cringe too. I have lots of friends, probably 10 from different friendship groups that I feel very very close with. I couldn’t say any one was my BEST FRIEND and would feel it would do a disservice to the other relationships I have!

NeedToChangeName · 25/10/2023 15:03

I think many adults will have a best friend, but it's childish to describe them as such

tattygrl · 25/10/2023 15:10

Adults definitely can and do have best friends, but I do think it's a bit clumsy/tactless to refer to another friend as your best friend while talking to someone else. It does have the effect of sort of inadvertently reminding you you're not the "best one", no matter how childish that feeling might seem!

honeylulu · 25/10/2023 15:16

I think quite a few adults have best friends, especially if they've been best friends for decades. I dont think it's childish to say that.

I've not had a best friend since school and I feel a bit sad about that. Though my husband is pretty much my best friend (apologies to mumsnetters who hate that vibe). I have some really good friends and there's a top 2 I feel closest to and happiest with but I'm not sure id make the top spot on their lists. Hopefully in the top 5 maybe!

I'm still good friends with my best friend from school but we've grown too far apart too consider each other besties now.

PuttingDownRoots · 25/10/2023 15:21

Its pretty normal to have one or two friends you trust more than others or confide in more.

CoodleMoodle · 25/10/2023 15:24

I only have one real friend (other than DH). She is 100% my best friend, has been since we were teenagers. But then as she's my only friend I guess she has to be the best one!

Lastchancechica · 25/10/2023 15:27

In my circles they are known as close friends. To call them a ‘best friend’ would seem child like and insecure.

Lastchancechica · 25/10/2023 15:30

And it’s crass to refer to another friend in that way making another friend feel excluded from the ‘specialness’ I would distance myself from someone that repeatedly did that.

pizzaHeart · 25/10/2023 15:32

I wonder if people are inclined to say “best friend” about someone who’s their friend from childhood and to whom they were referring as such when were younger.

Bobbotgegrinch · 25/10/2023 15:34

Of course grown ups have best friends. I've got people I've known for 20 years who I genuine love and move heaven and earth to help because they'd do the same for me.

Oddly enough they mean more to me than Dave down the pub, who I have a laugh with, but couldn't tell you his last name

If I were talking to Dave down the pub about my best friends, would I call them my best friend? Yes probably, because its shorthand for all of the above and it's not like Dave is going to be offended that he's not my everything.

It sounds like you're Dave, but you're more invested in the friendship than they are.

sleepylittlebunnies · 25/10/2023 15:34

I have a best friend and would refer to her as that to others but I don’t have other really close friends who might be offended. We’ve been best mates since age 5; 4 decades so have shared a lot of life together.

TheaBrandt · 25/10/2023 15:35

Yes also cringe when an adult says this. It’s for primary aged kids remember solemnly everyone ranking their friends best friend / second best friend etc. sounds like you are about to do your pigtails join the lunch queue and finish your colouring in together

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 25/10/2023 15:36

I definitely have a best mate. We've known each other most of our lives.
I'm struggling with the fact she's dying. We were supposed to grow really old together and cause mischief in the old peeps home .

squashi · 25/10/2023 15:36

I think the phrase sounds a bit childish, and wouldn't use it myself, but also think it's a bit sweeping to say that 'no' adult has a best friend. Pretty sure some do.

FloofCloud · 25/10/2023 15:37

My and my best friend are vocal about it as we've been bf for 35 years! It does cause other friends on both sides to resent the other bf though as they feel sidelined I think - ho hum!

ampel · 25/10/2023 15:41

You’re being ridiculous. Of course adults can have best friends. Just because you don’t, doesn’t mean everyone has the same style relationships as you. Think to friends’ weddings. No one has 20 bridesmaids/groomsmen - they pick a couple who come up higher in their friends hierarchy.

Chiaseedling · 25/10/2023 15:43

I would say I’ve got 2 best friends really- one used to be more close but the other one and I have had so many similar life experiences I think we’ve become even closer in recent years.
We are all friends together but they’re not as close to each other as I am to both of them if that makes sense!
I also have other close/good friends- a v old friend who I’ve known since age 4, and a couple more friends who I feel very comfortable with and then just regular friends 😆
Not sure I’d use the term ‘best friend’ out loud though!!