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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown ups don't have 'best friends'

106 replies

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 25/10/2023 14:47

I have a friend who constantly refers to her 'best friend' and every time she does it I feel like she reminding me of where I am in the heirarchy, i.e. middling to bottom. AIBU that grown ups don't have 'best friends' and if they do they don't refer to them as such when they are with other, not so best friends?? It's really annoying me and not sure if IABU

OP posts:
Gifgirl · 25/10/2023 19:43

I have a couple of 'best friends' but I think I tend to refer to them as 'close friends'.

If I am describing them, I would say "one of my closest friends' in order not to upset anyone.

HopAPot · 25/10/2023 19:45

I still call my friends from school best friends but that’s what they’ve always been, we probably had necklaces from Tammy Girl to prove it.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/10/2023 19:45

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 25/10/2023 15:56

I didn't emphasise quite as much as I should have done in my OP that I am objecting mostly to the fact that she refers to 'best friend' when in the company of, according to her, very good friends. It make me feel like she doesn't actually like us all that much.

She will then constantly ask me to confirm that she and I are very good friends and that we will be friends forever etc, which I find cringe.

You don't sound like you like her so maybe just walk away.
Assuming that because she has a best friend you don't matter makes you sound 14.

AnathemaPulsifer · 25/10/2023 19:45

I have two best friends from childhood, one male and one female. I refer to them as such (“I’m going on holiday with my best friend”) when talking to casual friends or work colleagues, but not when talking to other very good friends who may consider me their best friend.

ElsieMc · 25/10/2023 19:50

I feel like that as well op. I know someone who when I spend time with her will always tell me what she is doing at weekend with her "bestie" who is "just loverly" This lady is in her late fifties as am I. People are welcome to have a best friend just don't voice it out loud when you are in other's company.

It makes me feel a little uncomfortable like I am being told where I stand in the pecking order and I am somehow lacking. Once maybe, but not regularly. I think it's a sign of immaturity, all a bit primary school for me I am afraid and one to avoid.

DiscoBeat · 25/10/2023 19:52

It's an odd and quite rude thing to say to another friend, regardless whether adult or child, but adults generally know better!

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 25/10/2023 20:01

I absolutely have a best friend. I call her that when talking to family and colleagues, but not when talking with other friends, that's just rude. But it's perfectly obvious that that's what we are.

whatisforteamum · 25/10/2023 20:16

I knew a 30 something guy who would bang on about best friends.
I told him it was childish and we were not at school anymore.
I can see how you could have a closer relationship with someone but to refer to them as a best friend is cringe.
Like the middle aged woman who said wèe wee the other day.🤮

XenoBitch · 25/10/2023 20:18

I have a best friend. It is someone who gels with me more than others...
I can tell her everything and anything. We can laugh at all sorts.

It actually takes nothing away from you or anyone else for me to refer to her as my best friend. Get a grip.

ACGTHelix · 25/10/2023 20:24

some do, i consider i have one close / best friend that i talk daily to.

FilthyforFirth · 25/10/2023 20:27

I'm 38 and have a best friend. I didnt realise at a certain age you had like someone less so they were no longer 'the best'...

AmazingSnakeHead · 25/10/2023 20:54

This is shocking to me. I describe my best friend as such in conversation! I guess I'll just say "a good friend of mine" from now on, seems weird though, the story I'm telling often has more relevance when our close bond is made explicit. Just "a friend" could mean someone you barely know.

10HailMarys · 25/10/2023 20:57

I think it’s a bit odd that this bothers you, to be honest. I don’t have a ‘best friend’ as such but I don’t think it’s a childish notion at all and I can completely see why people would think of someone in that way. My mum, aged 79, definitely has a best friend!

Gifgirl · 25/10/2023 20:58

whatisforteamum · 25/10/2023 20:16

I knew a 30 something guy who would bang on about best friends.
I told him it was childish and we were not at school anymore.
I can see how you could have a closer relationship with someone but to refer to them as a best friend is cringe.
Like the middle aged woman who said wèe wee the other day.🤮

I quite frequently say that I need a wee wee. It's what happens when you spend time with kids.

Maybe you need to lighten up a bit?!

theduchessofspork · 25/10/2023 20:58

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 14:52

I love my best friend. And I'm ancient. I tend not to call her that to people who consider me a close friend who I'm less close to. That's just rude.

yes this

BIossomtoes · 25/10/2023 21:01

I’m very old and my friend of 40 years and who is the sister I never had is definitely my best one. Nobody else comes close.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/10/2023 21:03

I don't think it's odd to have a best friend, or to refer to them as such at any age. It doesn't bother me at all when friends refer to someone else as their best friend - I just assume they've known them since childhood or uni. It is a different type of friendship from the ones you form later, because you know each others' personal history so much better.

haribosmarties · 25/10/2023 21:06

I mean some do. But I'm with you OP I think it's ridiculous as an adult.
We aren't in the school playground. I have lots of friends who I know via different parts of my life who I share different things in common with and enjoy spending time with in different ways. Absolutely silly to compare them or rank them in any way. There's people I'd be closer to in some instances and others in others. And I have found friendships wax and wane over time... Will go thru phases of seeing a particular friend alot and feeling very close to them due to circumstances but then that might fade a little and it would be another friend. But I don't consider any of them 'lesser friends' at any point and I know we will have periods in the future where we are closer again.
I do find it odd that some people fixate on one person and sort of pour all of themselves into it. How can one person be everything to you and you to them? As an adult. Easier when you are a child and your life isn't that complex.
I mean maybe some people are just very lucky and find one friend who aligns perfectly with their personality and is completely kn the same page about the level of friendship etc...

It's up to other people how they label their friendships tho I guess.
Just ignore her. I'm sure she isn't trying to make a dig at you. She's just someone with a best friend!

DaisyWaldron · 25/10/2023 21:08

I have a very close friend who I think if as my best friend. She has several very close friends, so I'm not sure if she thinks of me in quite the same way, but I think that we both sit in the friend/family border for each other. We're maybe not "best friends" in the schoolgirl sense, but we are closer to each other than we are to our siblings. I think "best" doesn't necessarily mean exclusivity, but us about the closeness and quality if the relationship.

Fionaville · 25/10/2023 21:11

I think it's a bit silly, but play along with my friends who call me their best friend (although they also said it about other friends too) You can have an oldest bestfriend who isn't necessarily on the same wave length as you anymore or share the same interests. And a newer friend who shares a big part of your interests. So it kind of makes the term meaningless.
In reality I'd describe my DH as my best friend.

Liv999 · 25/10/2023 21:18

I know a 50 year old woman who refers to her close group of friends as her besties on Facebook, I do think it's quite childish, I have three close friends and I wouldn't openly refer to any one of them as my best friend because it changes quite often 😂

pandarific · 25/10/2023 21:21

I use it, but I mean the person who I have been best friends with since I was 12. That’s a bit of a different level, on a par with sisters imo.

Funkyslippers · 25/10/2023 21:24

I had a good friend a while ago and she introduced another mutual friend to her friends in front of me as "she's just like a sister to me". I was quite hurt as it was almost telling her friends sfe prefers her to me!

Tanfastic · 25/10/2023 21:36

I had a best mate, someone I confided in, knew all my secrets and could read me like a book. We had a bond that I just don't have with my other circle of mates. My best mate wasn't part of that circle and I socialised with them separately.

My best made died earlier this year and I'm devastated still but I'm lucky to still have a group of mates ....but I doubt I'll ever have another best mate. If that makes sense. I couldn't give a fuck if that sounds childish.

FrozenGhost · 26/10/2023 01:06

I understand people can have best friends and that's great, and there's no problem mentioning it in context. But sometimes people do to act a bit smug about it, and seem to be constantly mentioning it. They want everyone to know how special their friendship is. Which is a little odd - most of us have close friends so while it's nice, it's nothing to be smug about.

I have a friend who I talk to daily and meet up with 1-2 times a week. He is often mentioning his best friend, who despite living close by, he rarely sees. I admit it does make me feel a little hurt. Like I'm good enough for day to day but not a real friend.