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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown ups don't have 'best friends'

106 replies

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 25/10/2023 14:47

I have a friend who constantly refers to her 'best friend' and every time she does it I feel like she reminding me of where I am in the heirarchy, i.e. middling to bottom. AIBU that grown ups don't have 'best friends' and if they do they don't refer to them as such when they are with other, not so best friends?? It's really annoying me and not sure if IABU

OP posts:
noooooooo · 26/10/2023 01:17

It does seem like it could cause offence, now you mention it. I mean, you probably know where you stand anyway, but it’s a bit tactless.

I have a definite best mate, she’s my childhood friend, my consigliere, my executor, would have my kids if I died. She’s got another mate who also regards my best friend as hers (lucky we’re not the jealous type!) and she refers to me as her bestie-in-law😝

Celia24 · 26/10/2023 01:19

I agree OP.

I have a friend I've known for 20 years, consider him to be 'one of' my best friends. Last year he started banging on about his 'best friend', ie not me, and it did feel like I was being reminded of the hierarchy as you say.

I saw him again recently and he went on about it again. I probably have a best friend but I don't talk.about her that way to other close friends.

GodDammitCecil · 26/10/2023 01:23

I’m knocking 50 and have been best friends with my best friend for 45 years.

I never refer to her as my best friend to a soul! How rude. And childish.

The person you’re describing (especially in your second post) seems a bit needy, so on that basis, this definitely isn’t about you. It’s her issues.

Mothership4two · 26/10/2023 01:31

I have known my best friend for 45 years, but only call them that in my head.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/10/2023 02:08

You're being daft

I have a best friend of nearly 40 years. She's my platonic soulmate and I wouldn't be here without her. I'm incredibly proud of our relationship. We call each other bestie all the time, a term of affection.

I think anyone who thinks it's childish is jealous quite frankly.

DaftyLass · 26/10/2023 02:11

I have a best friend, get ready to hate me....we sometimes refer to each other as our bestie.

Some friends will help you hide the body; for each other, we'd make the body!

Ladyj84 · 26/10/2023 02:16

My best friend hubby will always be my one and only best friend the rest are just good friends lol

KnickersOfDoom · 26/10/2023 02:19

It wouldn’t bother me

SirenSays · 26/10/2023 02:49

I don't think I've ever used the term best friends.
I've never really thought about it before but we called my mother's best friends aunties and our best friends were called cousins. I still say cousin when I'm talking about my best mate.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 26/10/2023 02:58

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 25/10/2023 15:36

I definitely have a best mate. We've known each other most of our lives.
I'm struggling with the fact she's dying. We were supposed to grow really old together and cause mischief in the old peeps home .

I'm so sorry.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 26/10/2023 03:01

I just say my oldest friend. But sometimes best friend does slip out and I cringe at myself 😂😂😂

ShippingNews · 26/10/2023 03:36

NeedToChangeName · 25/10/2023 15:03

I think many adults will have a best friend, but it's childish to describe them as such

This ^

HoppingPavlova · 26/10/2023 03:46

YABU. I have a few best friends. We know a few people with same first name and if referred to either someone else/myself will say ‘my best friend’ as a way of distinguishing them. For example my best friend may say ‘blah blah Michelle, your best friend, blah blah’ to distinguish that Michelle from another when both are acquaintances to them. I think as adults we recognise we can have more than one best friend and not get weird about it like a kindergartner!

GodDammitCecil · 26/10/2023 03:51

I think anyone who thinks it's childish is jealous quite frankly.

Even people who’ve had their best friend longer than you…..?

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 26/10/2023 04:06

I have a group of friends here and a group of friends back home that I’ve been friends with for a lot longer. My friends back home are my ‘best’ friends I suppose, but I wouldn’t use the phrase to my friends here. It would seem petty and be potentially hurtful. I value them all, we have a lot of fun and support each other so what does it matter. We’re all close, I don’t need to measure the friendships against each other.

Your friend is odd to do it. Like she needs to point out that you’re lesser somehow and only on the outside of her life. I couldn’t be bothered with someone like that.

Also, friendships develop over time when you go through things together. By having this fixed idea of a hierarchy, she’s potentially stopping friendships getting stronger with others. It seems a bit immature/primary school mentality and I’d guess maybe her friendships aren’t that great but she’s trying to prove they are.

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 05:02

I think friendships should make you feel wanted and valued, and not second best.

Your friend sounds very insecure, you might be able to look past this if it’s occasional, but I would feel irritated every time and for that reason wouldn’t want to waste my time with someone I would find so annoying.

MamaDollyorJesus · 26/10/2023 05:16

Of course adults have best friends.

I've had the same one since I was 3 years old so over 40 years. We've been there for each other through every stage of life, we've been through the awkward teenage years, shite jobs, promotions, marriages, divorces, children, pregnancy loss, illness, deaths of parents & siblings together.

She's the only person I wouldn't think twice about calling in the middle of the night if I need her & the only person (other than my children) I'd drop everything for if she needed me.

I have other friends but none that I'll ever have the same bond with because I don't have the same shared experience with them.

I don't go around saying she's my best friend but we're such a big part of each others lives that everyone knows anyway.

TheaBrandt · 26/10/2023 05:19

Also the word “bestie” makes me totally cringe sorry. It’s in the same bracket as “hubby”. If I met someone new who used that word repeatedly it would actually be a helpful indicator that we would never ever be friends.

MermaidMummy06 · 26/10/2023 05:26

Best friends do exist. I'm always envious of women who seem to have that one, lifelong, solid friendship that is more solid than family.

I'm constantly reminded by my friends who their best friend is - and it's never me. Usually it's someone who lives 1000's of KMs away (or doesn't feel the same).

Mamma2017 · 26/10/2023 05:30

Yeh I don’t like this either- it’s that word “best” like they are saying you as a friend are not as good! I have a newish friend that mentions her “best” friend a lot and it just makes me think that I will never be as close or as “good” a friend to her as this person.
They could just say “one of my closest/oldest friends.”
Sounds really teenage and reminds me of school.

JustAMinutePleass · 26/10/2023 06:15

MermaidMummy06 · 26/10/2023 05:26

Best friends do exist. I'm always envious of women who seem to have that one, lifelong, solid friendship that is more solid than family.

I'm constantly reminded by my friends who their best friend is - and it's never me. Usually it's someone who lives 1000's of KMs away (or doesn't feel the same).

This made me laugh. I had a friend at uni who kept going on and on about ‘her best friend’ back home. I think she did it as she was homesick and not really settling at uni. Anyway when we finally met him he arrived with two men who he described as his best friends. Apparently my friend was his ‘oldest friend’ but the two guys were his ‘closest friends’. She was distraught.

Sconehenge · 26/10/2023 06:26

I used to have best friends at highschool and through 20s but then experienced two of them moving away and literally never speaking again (no animosity just out of sight out of mind!) so now I take the term with a pinch of salt.

I still call one of the original high school besties who is still in regular contact my “best friend” but in reality I’m much closer to some newer friends who live near me, they’ve just never got the official title as we met in our 30s!

But can’t really stop calling someone your bestie even if it feels redundant/not quite right now 😂

Would probably refer to people as “best friends” if I was speaking at their wedding - as in “one of my best friends” and in a birthday card “happy birthday so lucky to have you as a bestie!” but otherwise no.

MariaVT65 · 26/10/2023 06:30

I am mid-30s and have 2 best friends i’ve known since I was a teenager, and I refer to them as my best friends. I lived with one of them for 7 years.

They have been way more supportive to me during my adult life than any family member. They are more like family to me.

I don’t deem it offensive (or childish) to refer to them as my best friends to another friend i’ve known for 6 months for example. I see the term as a testament to how much we’ve been there for each other over the past 16+ years and how much we care about each other.

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 26/10/2023 07:57

Seems like most people who think IABU have best friends and refer to them as such.

Others feel referring to 'bestie' might make other friends reassess how much they like the person who clearly think they are second best, especially if 'bestie' lives far away and second best is a person they see day to day.

This friend of mine always asks me to reiterate how much I love her and how we will be friends forever, while emphasising that I am not the best. I find this rude.

I agree with posters that think it's fine that people do like each other less and more and consider some the best, but stating it out loud is sometimes rude and hurtful depending on the audience.

OP posts:
yellowlane · 26/10/2023 08:29

I'm in my 40's and have a best friend who I've known for 35 years. I have other friends too but I speak to my best friend 4-5 times per week and see her 1-2 times. We live 5 minutes from each other.

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