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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents living the high life

413 replies

nearlyemptynes · 25/10/2023 12:15

Now I know we make our choices in life and we live with them. I have 3 children and have supported the eldest through uni and would do the same for the other two if that's what they want. I see this as our responsibility as parents. I have friends who have not supported their kids, haven't encouraged open days etc then when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni. AIBU to think they have their priorities wrong?

OP posts:
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5
Askil · 25/10/2023 15:33

This thread reads like the quintessential school fight. It's not one on one, it's several kids all bashing and pummelling each other. You're all going to get into serious trouble!😡

coffeeaddict77 · 25/10/2023 15:33

Gameofsoldiers1 · 25/10/2023 12:24

It’s an odd one. The thing is, if the child simply declares they are estranged from their parents and uses a different address (friend/ aunt whatever) they’ll get their course and pretty much all their living expenses covered. Likewise if they wait a couple years and go to uni as a ‘mature student’ so theoretically the kids can go to uni whether the parents support or not.
however, saying you can’t afford to contribute a few grand a year towards digs and then splashing out on holidays etc does come across as a bit of skewed priorities. My oldest didn’t want to go to uni, she found a job she was good at and shot up the ranks so we bunged her some cash to acquire and decorate a flat. Youngest will likely be at uni but stay living at home as we’re in the perfect location for this.
so I only speak theoretically, but I can’t ever imagine refusing to fund higher education for my kids.

They need to do a lot more than just say they are estranged and use a different address. You also have to wait until 25 to be considered a mature student for loan assessment so rather more than a couple of years.

https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/financial-support-students-not-supported-their-parents-estranged

Financial support for students not supported by their parents (estranged)

A key factor when making the decision to move into higher education is finance – for estranged students, this can be a particular challenge.

https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/financial-support-students-not-supported-their-parents-estranged

CosimoPiovasco · 25/10/2023 15:34

BIossomtoes · 25/10/2023 15:31

You don’t know which university it is, so how do you know it’s not Oxbridge?

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From experience.

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 15:34

CosimoPiovasco · 25/10/2023 15:28

I know.
For those on longer courses, architects, doctors etc. they’ll be mid 60s and still paying.

I wouldn’t blame any of them for emigrating.
But then I got it all free….how lucky we were then

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I think at some point the government is going to have to write off essential workers' loans early if they agree not to emigrate.

Although God knows how they would actually stop them from still emigrating after the loans were written off.

What an unholy mess.

CosimoPiovasco · 25/10/2023 15:36

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 15:34

I think at some point the government is going to have to write off essential workers' loans early if they agree not to emigrate.

Although God knows how they would actually stop them from still emigrating after the loans were written off.

What an unholy mess.

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Good point.
Its very worrying

BIossomtoes · 25/10/2023 15:38

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 15:34

I think at some point the government is going to have to write off essential workers' loans early if they agree not to emigrate.

Although God knows how they would actually stop them from still emigrating after the loans were written off.

What an unholy mess.

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Currently those who do emigrate have their loans written off so stopping that would be a good start. I personally think medical and nursing degrees should be taxpayer funded with the stipulation that a minimum period is spent working in the NHS.

TigerQueenie · 25/10/2023 15:41

Blinkityblonk · 25/10/2023 13:58

@TigerQueenie how would they afford that if not driven by their parents, if they want to go to one away from home? Travelodge and a car drive still costs £££ or should they just go to any old uni nearby, paying for themselves to get there.

Those saying the government are responsible, absolutely. They took away the £30 a week or whatever it was for 16-18 year olds going to college. They took away the grants and gave them loans, which aren't worth as much and cost a lot more.

That's why though social inequalities are just replicating, most of the people with money ensure their children go on to do things that give them more money. The Op is writing about those who have money but don't spend it on supporting education, and there are a surprising amount of those parents out there, and they are not that impoverished at all (otherwise they would be getting full loans!)

Neither of my parents drove. And back in the days before smartphones were a thing, I sat myself down at the computer and looked up how to get to anywhere I needed to go, then went and bought the ticket. I worked from the age of 14 and always had money. My parents were not well off by any means, and there was no way either of them could have supported my life choices financially. Neither of them interfered or pushed their opinions onto me, but both were there to support or advise if requested.

RudsyFarmer · 25/10/2023 15:42

TimeForACider · 25/10/2023 12:17

Sounds like you’ve been a bit of a martyr.

Oooooooor an excellent parent!

CosimoPiovasco · 25/10/2023 15:42

BIossomtoes · 25/10/2023 15:38

Currently those who do emigrate have their loans written off so stopping that would be a good start. I personally think medical and nursing degrees should be taxpayer funded with the stipulation that a minimum period is spent working in the NHS.

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Agree.
But what of those students who fail.
Or who give up after a few years ( during the course ) as they hate it.
Always grey areas.

tinytemper66 · 25/10/2023 15:43

My children were not bright enough for uni so I spend this money on holidays. I would always go on holiday. Kids can get jobs to support themselves through uni.

CosimoPiovasco · 25/10/2023 15:43

CosimoPiovasco · 25/10/2023 15:34

From experience.

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So it seems those that can’t work are foreign students with a visa.
Some visas allow 20hours a week work, some nothing.
All UK students can work.

Doteycat · 25/10/2023 15:44

MsRosley · 25/10/2023 15:13

Worth bearing in mind that both of you might potentially need care for many years. A relative of mine spent £250,000 on care before she died, and that was only for 4-5 years. If you give all your savings to your kids, you need to be pretty confident that they will give up work and look after you in your old age - and how many parents can say that with confidence?

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It wouldn't be all our savings.
And we won't need them to care for or pay for us.

Spermscarecrow · 25/10/2023 15:44

So pissed off with all parent bashing lately. My parents were Boomers, they worked really hard helped me with what they could afford I never went to uni . I have been self employed and run my own business most of my working life . My kids didn't want to go to uni they did college courses and wanted to work from the get go . They have good incomes and both bought there own homes in their 20s . If either one of them had gone to uni I think they would have been pretty much skint at this point it just worked out for them. but I really think it's up to individuals to do what's right for them and parents . I haven't been away for two years I really need to get my finger out and start " living it up " 🤣

telestrations · 25/10/2023 15:45

I agree I can't imagine not doing absolutely everything I could to ensure my kids could study for as long and at as high an institution as they want and are capable of.

Having said that I don't think parents should forgo hoildays so their kids don't have to take out a student loan or not work but still have money for travel and partying.

MsRosley · 25/10/2023 15:45

Gameofsoldiers1 · 25/10/2023 15:20

@MsRosley £250k on care? Screw that.not much left for the kids after that! I would not want to burden my kids or spend that sort of money. Cheaper to pop over to dignitas once the body or mind start to give up surely? Although we have a fortunate gene in our family where we are programmed to self destruct via aneurism or MF at a certain age. No one in living memory has seen 80. They all go from fully independent to dropping dead. Fingers crossed that’s me too! Save me the flight.

Fair enough. But I've seen a lot of parents hand over large amounts of cash to their kids, and I don't think either the parents or their kids have thought about how expensive the final years can be. Not everyone pops off with a quick heart attack or stroke, especially now statins and BP medications make those less likely.

RudsyFarmer · 25/10/2023 15:45

Op I have a theory that it depends on your own upbringing as to what you prioritise. I’m an older parent so I’m entirely disinterested in my own requirements and instead parent in the way I wish I had been parenting. Lots of extra curriculars - where I attend. Music lessons, cultural days out, tutors etc. the thought of laying by a beach in Majorca is not for me, but I know for lots of people it’s an absolute must to get through the year. Horses for courses.

MsRosley · 25/10/2023 15:46

Doteycat · 25/10/2023 15:44

It wouldn't be all our savings.
And we won't need them to care for or pay for us.

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In which case you're in a very privileged position.

Doteycat · 25/10/2023 15:48

MsRosley · 25/10/2023 15:46

In which case you're in a very privileged position.

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I'm aware.
We have worked extremely hard to get to this stage and we have more than enough.
A deposit on a house would make my kids lives a lot easier than ours was so I'd give it without question.

justasking111 · 25/10/2023 15:50

Was really shocked by friends who told their only child they could have a second hand car if they didn't go to university. They've just bought a lovely place in France so definitely had the money. Their child went to university anyway so never did get a car, did get a degree and are still expected to spend their spare time traveling home to dog sit. People are weird

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 15:52

BIossomtoes · 25/10/2023 15:38

Currently those who do emigrate have their loans written off so stopping that would be a good start. I personally think medical and nursing degrees should be taxpayer funded with the stipulation that a minimum period is spent working in the NHS.

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Do they?

I emigrated and as far as I was aware they were charging people working abroad 250 quid a month by direct debit, although they didn't seem to have much way of enforcing this if people simply didn't pay, and I'm not sure how it would work if they no longer had a UK bank account.

In my case I only had around 1k left to go so I paid it off as a lump sum.

TripleDaisySummer · 25/10/2023 15:54

Yes we have friends who miraculously lived in Scotland when it came to uni applications.
Oh for a relative happy to lie!

We didn't lie DH work changed 8 years before loan application and we moved bought house in Wales and kids transferred to primary school in Wales - there were stipulations about min time here and checks. It was pleasant surprise when we came to start looking at uni funding for DD1.

But it does seem very unfair it's such a huge disparity.

I selfish hope it doesn't come in to restrict my kids choices but I can see why Plaid Cymru suggests just paying for welsh students who attend welsh universities in effort to try to keep hold of the graduates for welsh economy.

Gameofsoldiers1 · 25/10/2023 15:54

@MereDintofPandiculation good point.
probably better to do a DIY job then. Easy enough.
To be honest I’m only in my 40’s and I’m bloody knackered now! once I’ve married the youngest off I’m done.

CornishClott · 25/10/2023 15:59

I know someone who paid their dc university fees , housing costs and gave them their deposit for their first house and wedding. But it all came with strings . They had to have a baby timed to arrive when she retired . She took over their lives to the extent the daughter's hb went off with someone else . The daughter was devastated. Sometimes it doesn't always pay to smooth the path for your kids

Original poster
nearlyemptynes · 25/10/2023 16:01

It was Cambridge and you are not allowed to work but to be honest the workload is so intense you wouldn't be able to. And for those interested he went to the local state school.

OP posts:
CosimoPiovasco · 25/10/2023 16:02

CornishClott · 25/10/2023 15:59

I know someone who paid their dc university fees , housing costs and gave them their deposit for their first house and wedding. But it all came with strings . They had to have a baby timed to arrive when she retired . She took over their lives to the extent the daughter's hb went off with someone else . The daughter was devastated. Sometimes it doesn't always pay to smooth the path for your kids

Surely that’s an extreme and frankly really weird case.
Btw
whats a hb