Page 7 | Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

Squirre · 2023-10-25T11:04:04+00:00

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it. Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc. BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc. He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another. I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next. I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong. So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

EnoughIsay · 25/10/2023 16:48

HowToSaveAWife · 25/10/2023 16:36

I must be an awful person OP but tbh I'd keep seeing him and say nothing to no one. If it becomes serious then you can think about to handle it but for now, it's fun and he's nice and sex is good so have at it. Your ex doesn't seem like he's that bothered and you're already in with the in-laws... 🤣 just have some fun,you deserve it.

I see it the same way.

They can keep it cozy and quiet.

He is in the navy and will be away a lot.

And he sounds very nice actually.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 16:52

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 14:34

Obviously what you both did was disgusting and it was obviously planned from his end, which is why he has been helping you with your child so much.

He seems to think the feeling is mutual.

You need to nip it in the bud and text him saying you had a wonderful time etc but it has to be just a one off else things could get messy and you think it’s for the best that you reduce contact from now on.

It's not disgusting!!! It just happened. Things do sometimes.

It might be unwise to continue because of the potential fallout but don't beat yourself up over this.

Some people would have you in sackcloth and ashes for being a whore ffs!! You're not. You're only human, and life hasn't been easy for you. Please don't listen to the moralistic crusaders.

For me, the main obstacle here is that you have a child. Sounds like ex has moved on, and the ILs might not object in any way. I'm not convinced it's worth the risk but you are in no way a terrible person for sleeping with him.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 16:55

TrishM80 · 25/10/2023 15:24

Shagging your ex Husband's brother is pretty sick, to be honest. And for a man to shag his brother's ex wife is even sicker.

Oh do catch a grip on yourself!!

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 25/10/2023 16:57

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 25/10/2023 15:26

I think people need to lay off the OP. She did nothing wrong, immoral or illegal.

She has no reason to be disgusted, sick, mortified, embarrassed and shouldn't be insulted or abused.

I'm surprised more people aren't concerned about the BIL - his character,his motivation and why he doesn't see it as crossing a boundary. She can simply walk away and have nothing to do with him. His family will always be his family.

Edited

If he posted on here I'm sure he'd be told!

sausagepastapot · 25/10/2023 16:59

I genuinely think if this is something you both want, absolutely go for it. I wouldn't judge you at all if I knew you IRL.

Life is way, way too short. You absolutely deserve happiness!

SuperGreens · 25/10/2023 17:06

It would be helpful to talk to him about what happened, why he thinks it happened, how he feels about you. You know each other very well, so that conversation is possible. If this is going to have any future (even a fwb one) you need to be able to openly honestly communicate, especially given the rather big challenges (his job) and other people effected. Maturity is essential (the age gap is nothing), and you both must act with grace kindness and honesty. But stranger things have happened!

Its very difficult to have any sort of adult relationship when you are sole carer for a disabled child. And in your circumstances, I would not deny you a chance at having that in your life. He knows and loves your child already, and in that sense is trusted, that cannot be underestimated. Perhaps he has held a flame for many years. Your ex has moved on, so please at the very least give yourself permission to as well. If not with this person, perhaps with someone else.

RaraWix · 25/10/2023 17:08

Did you want to argue or something? My OPINION still stands and does not take away who she is as a mother. We were all raised differently. This encounter is not okay in my view at all.

pizzaHeart · 25/10/2023 17:16

I think you are too hard on yourself @Squirre. You are both grown up and single, you had nice time together and one thing lead to another. It seems you were not very close as a family unit with him in the past and he probably is not very close with your Ex. As he is away a lot he is not involved into family politics etc and a bit of outsider so probably doesn’t see you so much as SIL from the past but rather as an attractive woman in the present You said there was no flirting before but I wonder if him helping you with DC was his variant of flirting with you.
He is not asking you to marry or move in with him, so relax a bit but maybe be vigilant for STDs/ pregnancies and other sex related “issues “.

TemporarilyshyAF · 25/10/2023 17:21

Zero judgement and you definitely deserved a bit of fun but I would personally leave this here.

Age gap is nothing so don't give that anothe thought.

I just think the family have been supportive to you and you can't tell how this will Pan out.

If it was love that might be different but I'm not sure it sounds that way especially with him living away.

Don't put anything in writing, maybe a chat in person or on the phone just to say you enjoyed the unexpected evening but think best if you keep things simple.

Assure him you have so much going on that it's definitely not anything he did wrong. As you say you don't know his motives so be a bit delicate. Could be long standing feelings, could be some rivalry, could easily just have been now seeing you as a single woman rather than his brother's wife.

Could be a signal to work out a way to incorporate some romance and/or sex into your life, complicated though I understand it is.

Main thing, you've done nothing wrong.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 17:35

RaraWix · 25/10/2023 17:08

Did you want to argue or something? My OPINION still stands and does not take away who she is as a mother. We were all raised differently. This encounter is not okay in my view at all.

Well thankfully she doesn't need your OPINION or your blessing.

Maybe you should take a moment to unclench.

PinkLemons99 · 25/10/2023 17:36

M’eh, I don’t see the problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Keep seeing each other if you want to but keep it quiet for now unless it develops into something that you both want to be more long term and permanent.

RaraWix · 25/10/2023 17:38

Hahahaha she asked strangers, I am a mere stranger. Is everything okay at home? You’re literally doing this over a solicited opinion. Leave me alone.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 25/10/2023 17:48

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 15:38

Seriously? She’s done nothing wrong but he did? How do you work that out.

and I’m fairly sure if your partner and you split and he shagged your little sister who he’d known growing up you’d not be saying ir was neither wrong or immoral.

Show quote history

I didn't say it was a wise choice but it's not wrong. She's single and shouldn't be expected to have any loyalties to her Ex or his family unlike her BIL.

Personally if any of my siblings decide to ever hook up with any of my exes, I would think it's strange but I wouldn't care other but would hope that any ex wasn't using my sibling as they next best alternative or anything sinister. Doubt it but you never know. Current partner didn't know siblings before me and if he break up, it will be for a good reason.

My exes are all decent guys, just not the right one for me. I have no residual feels.

TinChristmas · 25/10/2023 17:51

Meh, the age thing is nothing and you didn’t know him as a kid and so what. I’d say if you like him and the sec was good he seems nice, have another date and see what it feels like.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 25/10/2023 17:53

Squirre · 25/10/2023 16:04

Thanks everyone. I'm a bit worried to give too many details now hadn't really thought about it going outside of here. Divorce is finalised and we were seperated before. Ex is official with his new partner she's met dc etc. So it's done and dusted from that side.

Dc is obviously my number 1 priority and always will be.

I think if ex bil was anyone else it would be the perfect situation tbh. He's a lovely, fun, sweet person, the sex was great and he's away most of the time 🙈. I'm not really able to "date" with caring responsibilities and everything else in my life. Though my actions here speak differently I wouldn't want a casual hook up. I wouldn't want to waste my respite time on potentially shitty men and shitty shags and I'm usually so bloody knackered I just go to bed 🙈

All the sex stuff needs to get locked back away! Reassuring that it's normal to be caring after sex. Sounds daft but my bar was obviously on the floor and at least now there's a better standard!

If ex bil was around more often I'd be worried about it happening again and getting feelings. I'm over thinking things already! He's not so that make things easier. I just don't know whether to actually talk about it with him or just ignore it completely. He's not broached anything with me directly but is messaging me more than normal.

I don't think he planned anything and i don't think he had bad intentions. The more i think about it (and ive been doing that a lot) i think we were both in a bubble after having a really fun, silly evening together and just ignored everything else for better or worse. Maybe it's right time - wrong person or right time - right person - completely wrong situation. Whatever it is it's too messy and it's not worth it. If something is meant for me in the future it will happen but until then i just need to push those romantic/sex whatever wants aside again.

People asking about having other children - I wouldn't chose to have another child so theres no risk of sibling/cousins! In some other life I would have loved a big family but it wasn't meant to be. And another reason it wouldn't be fair on ex bil if things did carry on - he deserves to have relationships and a family and all those things without complications.

I haven't got anybody to talk to about this so I'll leave it up for a bit longer as it's helping me get my head straight and then I'll see if i can delete. I'm not sure if reposting without the context will help as this situation is basically all context 🙈

Thanks again for replying it all helps put things in perspective.

I think you sound a decent person OP. You've had a difficult time and you are wanting to do the 'right thing'. I don't know how much this thread has helped, or not . I think there's been a lot of hyperbole . Good luck anyway, with everything .

lemmein · 25/10/2023 18:04

I don't think it's that unusual tbh - I know several people who have dated a siblings ex, my own mum had a baby with her BIL in the 70s.

I don't think you should feel ashamed OP, it happens - not ideal, obviously, but it doesn't make you a bad person. Talk to him. I think if 2 people want to be together they will be, whatever the obstacles - so even if your brain is screaming 'nooooooo', eventually it'll happen if you both want it to 🤷🏻‍♀️

EnoughIsay · 25/10/2023 18:05

SuperGreens · 25/10/2023 17:06

It would be helpful to talk to him about what happened, why he thinks it happened, how he feels about you. You know each other very well, so that conversation is possible. If this is going to have any future (even a fwb one) you need to be able to openly honestly communicate, especially given the rather big challenges (his job) and other people effected. Maturity is essential (the age gap is nothing), and you both must act with grace kindness and honesty. But stranger things have happened!

Its very difficult to have any sort of adult relationship when you are sole carer for a disabled child. And in your circumstances, I would not deny you a chance at having that in your life. He knows and loves your child already, and in that sense is trusted, that cannot be underestimated. Perhaps he has held a flame for many years. Your ex has moved on, so please at the very least give yourself permission to as well. If not with this person, perhaps with someone else.

This times a million.

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 18:14

I do believe some posters think the most important response is to support the op at all costs. That that’s what they are looking for.

i genuinely do not believe even one person on here thinks your marriage ends, you habe a child together and it’s ok to shag your bil. Or for the bil to start doing his brothers ex wife.

i think folks are just trying to make the op feel better about it. Whilst raising an eyebrow behind their screens. This isn’t just some ex boyfriend, it’s her ex husband and they have a child together. The bil seeing the child it’s because he is his nephew for gods sake. The confusion for the child alone is heinous.

helping the op isn’t saying oh there, it’s all ok dear. It’s fine to do your in-laws, your all adults. What’s a bit of family shagging. It’s more to be honest and say this is not a good idea.

It’s best to speak to him and explain it won’t happen again as if it got out or he tells, it will cause so much family damage, very few people are so laid back they’d accept this. The cringe factor at family events for one thing, the two brothers both having had sex with the same woman, and not just an ex girlfriend, but the ex wife with a child. It’s just too much.

VWT5 · 25/10/2023 18:17

No judgement here and the age difference is nothing, I would continue, slowly, below the radar. You deserve happiness.

Some merit maybe in keeping it low key, waiting to see how your exh’s relationship pans out, when that becomes more established and formalised with his gf, you can also move things forward, if that’s how it develops.

Some reassurance - I knew someone whose girlfriend broke up with him, eventually he married the girlfriends mother. As horrendous as that might sound, because they themselves all accepted the situation and moved on, everyone else accepted it too.

Eventually, if your relationship develops, then your BIL can speak in slow time with his DM to say that he and you have become close…

toadasoda · 25/10/2023 18:22

OP while I don't think you should beat yourself up about it, this spells disaster unless its never mentioned again. Your DC could lose his/her uncles and grandparents over this. Maybe even the relationship with their father. I can't believe people saying so what you are both single, this is way more complicated than that.

I totally understand from your perspective - you've had a very difficult time of it and you probably felt young and carefree for the first time in a long time. But I can't understand his motivations, I'm sorry but it sounds like he had leave from the Navy and fancied a quick shag. I can't understand what kind of man would sleep with his brothers ex wife so easily. If this was a true love / once in a lifetime / worth risking everything situation then maybe there is some hope but unless you want both you and your DC to lose everything I would put it down to bad experience and stay absolutely clear. That includes no flirty texts or you'll be regular shag when on leave girl and one day you will get caught. I think out of courtesy you could phone him and make your position clear. That's my honest advice OP, you are playing with fire here.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:26

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Charlize43 · 25/10/2023 18:26

This sounds like a deliberate act of passive aggression designed to rip his family apart.

Women complain about sexual harassment all the time so I'm not sure how you couldn't have found someone else to shag you?

Clearly you are a person devoid of all moral judgement and decency (is that brutal enough?)

PinkLemons99 · 25/10/2023 18:31

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 18:14

I do believe some posters think the most important response is to support the op at all costs. That that’s what they are looking for.

i genuinely do not believe even one person on here thinks your marriage ends, you habe a child together and it’s ok to shag your bil. Or for the bil to start doing his brothers ex wife.

i think folks are just trying to make the op feel better about it. Whilst raising an eyebrow behind their screens. This isn’t just some ex boyfriend, it’s her ex husband and they have a child together. The bil seeing the child it’s because he is his nephew for gods sake. The confusion for the child alone is heinous.

helping the op isn’t saying oh there, it’s all ok dear. It’s fine to do your in-laws, your all adults. What’s a bit of family shagging. It’s more to be honest and say this is not a good idea.

It’s best to speak to him and explain it won’t happen again as if it got out or he tells, it will cause so much family damage, very few people are so laid back they’d accept this. The cringe factor at family events for one thing, the two brothers both having had sex with the same woman, and not just an ex girlfriend, but the ex wife with a child. It’s just too much.

You’re very wrong! And a sanctimonious xxxxx too.

On the other hand, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the OP getting together with her EX BiL. They’re no longer related by marriage, and they’re both single. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Zanatdy · 25/10/2023 18:32

I do think you should speak to him about it. Just kind of say no hard feelings, I enjoyed it and if things were different… I know what you mean about the sex side being woken up, I was single for 12yrs and even when with my ex the sex was pretty average. Dated someone earlier this year and omg the sex was electric and it’s hard now to put it back in its box (not seeing him currently but I do think we might hook back up when circumstances are a little different for him). It’s taken a few months to mainly forget about it but now and then I have a moment!

I really wouldn’t persue things any further with this guy as it’s just so complex

Gameofsoldiers1 · 25/10/2023 18:33

Some of these responses are a bit harsh , it’s reads almost as if she’s banged her own relative. I wouldn’t give a shiny shit if one of my sisters shagged my ex ( except to suggest they get their head examined because he’s an absolute fucking moron and maybe ask them to nick some backdated child support from his wallet).
Now the way I see it, you obviously can’t go public cos MIL etc won’t be happy I expect but…
you get a part-time shag without having to live with him.
you know him and he’s safe around your kids.
being seen together occasionally won’t ring too many alarm bells cos he helps you with the kids.
so with a bit of care and a mature well communicated arrangement this could be fine.
we’re not here for a long time , we’re here for a good time. It’s just vital you both stay on the same page with the arrangement.