To hate the school run?

[freespirit333]

Nothing to do with the usual reasons people
hate it, like disliking small talk or playground cliques.

I hate the school run because of my own “D”C! They are so difficult to get to school, it’s less than a mile but they’re both terrible walkers so it’s scooters or bikes. If DS1 is in a good mood he’s no problem, but if he’s not he will be rude to me and wind DS2 (5) up.

DS2 is just a nightmare. He’s too tired, his legs hurt, his knees hurt, his hands hurts. His bike is too small for him, it’s too hard. DS1 has gone on ahead and not waiting for him, how dare he. A classmate dared pass him by on their bike/scooter because they’re going faster. It’s not low level whinging which I would ignore, it’s full shouting, losing temper (he has anger issues and anything sets him off), stopping in the middle of the road. I then have to somehow get him the rest of the way.

It is so tempting to just drive every day. Driving is a pain, large catchment so lots of parents drive, and local residents get really angry at the cars parked around, and we still have to walk from the car which with DS2 can take longer than the <5 minutes it should. Plus we live about 0.8 miles away.

But the DC always behave in the car.

AIBU? Do other people love the extra time with their DC in the morning? I rarely see other children behaving badly so it certainly feels like everyone else skips happily to school!

I think it’s unfair giving no screens as punishment if that’s then your parents who have to manage that punishment. Agree little point having something hours later. I’d probably just drive until they are older as it sounds very stressful. I’d get some help on the anger front, as that’s going to get more and more difficult as the years tick by and he becomes bigger and stronger and harder to manage

Aw! Thanks @JaninaDuszejko, I have to admit I feel like rubbish parent a lot of the time because of my DC behaviour but you’re right, it’s personality.

Yes we are on a waiting list for some support for DS2’s emotions.

The glimmer of hope is that he is getting better. His emotions have just always been felt so deeply. He used to scream like you’ve never heard before as a baby when he was hungry.

Get a cheap buggy, load all the school bags and the kitchen sink in there and but a buggy board on the back. Youngest can either push it themselves or stand on it when tired.

My DD used to have the most awful temper tantrums when she was 3/4 ish. She’s 15 now and is no trouble at all, so quiet, you wouldn’t believe it was the same child

Thanks @Zanatdy that’s good to hear! I had a terrible temper as a child, which I have grown out of in the main but I do lose it with the kids sometimes, although only ever with DS2 once as he’s so young (DS1 has always known how to push our buttons!) as does my own DF…it definitely runs in the family but whether that’s nature or nurture!

It’s DP’s day to take the DC to school today and I can hear that DS1 is being his usual annoying self whilst they’re getting ready to go so at least it’s not exclusively me that’s the problem with them!

I think an entire mindshift would help you.
DS1 doesn’t know how to “push your buttons”. He’s a child. That wording is putting all the responsibility in him and making it sound intentional- you find a button and you make a decision to push it. A child cannot do this..
You’re the parent and you have a role to guide him. It’s not him pushing any buttons - You don’t know how to tune yourself into him. You need to find out how to remove the button (don’t assume he’s “annoying” and find out what he’s really trying to tell you), instead of focusing on stopping him from pushing it. Resolve the root cause not the effect.
you mention nature/nurture. I think you might want to sit down and think about neurodiverse genetics in your family.

@Eskimal the thread is long but if you had seen earlier posts, you’ll see DS1 has ADHD and that DH is also ND so it’s well on our radar. And one of the “ticks” on the forms when DS had his assessment was indeed about intentionally winding up, deliberately annoying others. It is a trait of his ADHD, but it doesn’t mean he is allowed to do it. The reason could be anything - boredom, dopamine seeking, as well as anxiety. However I do know my child well and when he’s anxious, it’s much easier to tell as his behaviour turns to rudeness, defiance. The “annoying button pushing” that he does to his parents, his brother, his friends probably too, is the former - boredom and dopamine seeking. Or just because he can too, as I’m sure NT older brothers like to wind up younger siblings too.

Did you just locate the core issue there and he's just hungry? When he's calm, it might be worth asking what he thinks and whether he could try eating just to see if he feels better after that. Especially if he's a bit anxious about school, he might be mistaking what his tummy is telling him.

Parakeetamel - what nonsense, loads of people use cargo bikes with kids on the roads, do you realise pollution levels are some of the worst inside cars?

He’s definitely prone to hanger @GRex! He always has breakfast as soon as he wakes up but some days he demolishes a bowl of porridge, some days he leaves loads. I think breakfast bits on the school run might be a good idea, especially now it’s winter and I’ll have pockets to carry snacks!

I think what you are seeing as temper is actually anxiety with school - and maybe with life in general.

You say your eldest has ADHD. Any signs that your youngest is also neurodiverse?

DS2 could have ASD; I get that you still have to manage him with or without a diagnosis but sometimes it easier to manage of you know what the problem is.

I’d get a festival trolley for the youngest. The eldest may enjoy pulling.

Wouldn’t let him sit in it the whole way of course but you could also put the bags in it.

We have a super short walk to school - as in if there wasn't a building in between we could see the school from our front door.
It can take us up to 20 minutes, DS5 tantrums about not wanting to go to school, dawdled, soaks himself jumping in puddles unless literally dragged away.
When DS1 was 5 we had about 0.5 miles to walk and he would whine and complain that his feet/knees hurt, that he was so tired, that he wanted to ride on the buddy board (which we had because we sometimes walked 4-5 miles a day, not for short journeys)
You are not alone, school runs generally suck at that age.

Do you take it to the beach? When we see families with one on the beach, we idolise you! Got it sorted…!

I feel better, thanks, as I’ve always wished we either lived much closer, or lived far enough away to justify driving every day!

I’ve just invested in a strap to pull DS2’s scooter, and I’m also going to up my snack game. I just need to find my fun mum mojo too!

Are you in a location where you could hire a cargo bike for a bit to test that out as an option? It does mean that the kids don't get exercise (you do) on the school run but they do get fresh air. Some councils offer a long-ish term hire that might get you through a year or so, or if you end up buying one, they're expensive but hold their value well (I think I could sell mine now for close to what I bought it for 6 years ago).

We have a cargo bike (technically a tricycle which eliminates any balance concerns with wiggly children) and it is our preferred mode of transport for the school run and I'd give up my car before letting anyone take my cargo bike! Our school run is a little bit longer than yours (a little over a mile if you go the direct-but-hilly-and-with-a-lack-of-pavements way, about 3 miles if you go the way that is safe for a child to walk or cycle).

Sometimes my 6 year old cycles on her own bike and the 3 year old rides in the cargo box, but usually they are both passengers. The 6 year old has lots of after school activities, so me getting exercise and not having to deal with whinging feels like enough of a win.

We have a car but I refuse to drive the school run (or any trip that I could cycle) on principle! And also the bike is more fun and I don't have to deal with parking.

Agreed! We use our cargo bike on the road. Lots of studies have shown that people inside cars are exposed to far greater levels of pollution than people on bikes.

Obviously I wish we had better cycle infrastructure and fantasise about moving to Copenhagen, but even in England a cargo bike is a very viable option. Kids love it too!

Well done on persisting with walking! It has loads of benefits for you, your kids and the environment. It's not easy though is it?

I was in your position 2 years ago - a 7yo ( highly likely to have adhd and bags of energy) and new reception starter with 0.9mile walk to school.

That first reception term until Christmas is brutal and he is likely exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally by the end of term. We stopped all clubs and activities and kept weekends quiet to recharge.

These are the things that worked for us:

Extra snack on the way halfway - brioche or a flapjack normally work well

Taking the most fun route - walking on a fallen log etc

Nature spotting

Chatting with them About their day

Giving extra time ( takes the stress of you for feet dragging)

Explaining why we walk - good for body/ environment (best done seperate to the walk intially)

Giving them a choice of scooter/ bike/ walking

Telling them I'm looking forward to telling their teacher how well they walked, even though they were tired/ legs hurt

walking with friends

Talking about perseverance ( one of their school values)

Listening when they say their legs hurt and explaining what's happening -muscle can hurt when we are using them but get better with practice.

Feelings chart at one after school to decompress/ talk about emotions.

Generally it gets harder at the end of the week, the end of term and bad weather. Even I drive if its throwing it down as we've walked before and arrived soaking.

It pays off long term and mine are now in 2 different schools ( infant and junior) which are means a 2.5 mile round trip for me and youngest walks 1.6 miles of this due to positions of schools and drop offs. We wouldn't have managed it without the infant years building up stamina!

We were in Copenhagen and were amazed by the cycling infrastructure. Apparently there are more bikes than cars there. We basically spent the whole holiday saying 'we want to be Danish'.

Sounds horrendous OP.

DS (now 17) has ADHD and used to have awful tantrums. He’d also complain about walking, the knee/hand/feet hurt, jees, that takes me back.

DS will still occasionally complain about these things to this day! 😆

If by Wednesday things get harder could you not drive on that day, just until Christmas maybe or through the winter months?

I do not enjoy the traffic, rushing, squealing from my girl about her hairstyle, repeated requests/demands/ shouting from me, ‘get your shoes on’, constantly checking that eldest has his musical instrument, games kit, books, reading book, calculator, snacks, water bottles….

best option that tends to help : leave early, even if it means parking up early and listening to some music together, until the doors open.

On our walk to school we love to chat for part of the way but my boys also like to pretend play as we go to make it interesting… So we go through a small green/park area .. about 0.5 miles. As
soon as we enter through the gates we decide on what kind of place it is that day… Jurassic park, a dessert, a haunted house, outer space, a rainforest … it can get quite funny actually as kids have such imaginations! It just might distract from the walk.. my boys (aged 3 and 6) hate walking too so they’ve got to be on scooters or bikes. I don’t see the issue with this!

Thanks @ElTingo and everyone else, more good tips! It is hard eh?!

I need to work on my time keeping too as we rarely leave with extra time, even 5 minutes extra would take the pressure off.