My manager keeps telling me not to have a baby

[MakingLemonadealways]

At least once a month! It's gone from jokingly commenting we can't afford the cover to full blown, seriously please don't go on mat leave we wouldn't survive! Very awkward, I can feel myself respond more and more pettily as the audacity of it is kicking in!

How I would respond to this would depend on whether I was actually planning to have a baby.

Are you?

This is banter that might be said to men or women.

Not a single man in the history of time has ever been "bantered" with along these lines. It's purely because the OP is a woman. It's sexist and illegal.

Banter or not.

This sort of 'banter ' has been illegal in your sort of situation for at least three decades. HR would be interested to hear about it.

OP says this is no longer being said jokingly, and her manager is actually making serious pleas for her not to have a baby. And anyway, these kind of "jokes" from management to staff regarding pregnancy and maternity leave are illegal.

Your manager joking that they wouldn't let you leave the company is in no way comparable.

I'd be pretty arsey about this discriminatory behaviour.

It's not 'banter'.

I got this treatment from my old Headmistress.

A couple of months after I suffered a miscarriage (which the school knew about due to complications), likely bought on by work stress, a colleague bought in their new born to meet staff. While I was holding her, the Head took the baby out of my arms, pointed a finger in my face and said 'No! Your department is already stretched!'. I was so upset.

I left within a few years of that and fell pregnant the month I put my notice in, luckily a successful pregnancy that time.

She also told my Head of Department she had to promise not to get pregnant if she was to get the job. I'm very happy to say she had 2 in the following 3 years. Less happy to say she was then hounded out of the school, even though she was the best teacher in the place.

Just bloody awful.

Stick up for yourself, OP. It's an outrageous way to treat your staff.

A former boss of mine used to do this and initially I suppose I found it flattering- thinking that she valued my work so much. As time went on, it became clear how much of a narcissist she was in general and this was just another way of having as much control as possible over her employees. I was only in my twenties then, now I would tell her its absolutely none of her business when I have children.

They will start saying it if proper paternity leave becomes a thing.

In the past men just had to be back at work. There was nothing to joke about.

No, I think the rules will be different if proper paternity leave becomes a thing.

Because men.

100% this!!!

I've started following a bloke on Tiktok that does little bits to camera about the worst boss ever (Ben Askins is his name) and this would fit right in there. Just get it on an email or get your manager to write it down somewhere that this is what they are saying...you'll have a great time taking them to some sort of employment equality tribunal if you did subsequently decide to start a family.

FFS! Who are these management eejits????

Dear Boss,

Please stop putting pressure on me not to have a baby, it is making me quite uncomfortable. Whether or not I chose to have a baby is a personal decision and it is not something I plan to consult my employer about, nor is it legal for an employer to question me about it under the Equality Act.

Yours sincerely,
Making Lemonade

It doesn't matter if the manager is male, female or other
It is still not the 1950s
People go off work for holidays, sickness, dependant leave, bereavement, emergencies, sabbatical, maternity, paternity, adoption etc

They need to put adequate cover in place for all eventualities

They need to treat all staff professionally

"If I'm that indispensable, perhaps we should begin discussing my substantial raise immediately?"

I worked somewhere where lots of women got pregnant at the same time and our boss said to our male team member in front of me I know I employed you for a reason!

Yes this!

Are you going to have a baby? Or thinking of having one ? I think it’s relevant in this instance. Joking or serious depends on your answer.

Love it!

Whilst it's not legal for him to pressure you over this, I completely understand where he's coming from, small companies can really struggle to cover maternity, especially specialist roles, Dp really struggled when his most senior female member of staff went on maternity though she chose to come back pt after 4 months then full time after 8

I thought workplaces could get a type of insurance that covers the cost of mat leave? Is that correct? Genuine question - I don't know much about it at all.

Or do you mean someone sufficiently skilled? In that case I'd say future-proofing is needed...

Came here to say this!
Jeez

I (female) joke to one of my direct reports (male) not to have kids cause they're a pain in the ass!

Granted, if OPs manager is being serious and its making them uncomfortable then something should be said.

I do however find it interesting that in the world of mumsnet, where you're looked down upon for not being independent financially and on 6 figures, that the first handful of comments assume a manager is a He.

Help with the costs might not be the problem though - if you need someone who can translate ancient Greek to Swahili in relation to pensions (or some other obscure collection of skills), where are you going to find someone good at that but willing to work max 12 months?

Not that this should prevent anyone from starting a family, and businesses should include covering for this sort of thing in the contingency planning.

YANBU. It's a terrible thing to say! I remember telling my manager I was pregnant at 12 weeks and her response was along the lines of "Let me know when you decide what you want to do about it" i.e keep it or not. I wasn't married, but I was 26, engaged and owned a home with my DP. Basically nothing to suggest I wouldn't be keeping the baby! Some managers don't want pregnant staff. But there are laws against that attitude.

People aren't assuming it's a man because gosh, Managers Are Men, but because it's a remarkably stupid thing to say with such regularity, and I suspect women as as a class, regardless of whether or not they had children themselves, would be considerably less likely to make this kind of hilarious 'jape', suggesting that the OP's maternity leave would seriously inconvenience the company, or would, even in passing, consider that a female colleague might decide not to have children because her line manager had told her not to.

@Canonlythinkofthisone, why don't you read the OP again, and then read your little anecdote, and see if you can see the glaring difference between the two of them?

My boss keeps saying I'm not allowed to retire until he does. I've said he needs to make it worth my while 😊

I'd be getting extra, super pregnant asap but I'm quite contrary.

Seriously though, she can't do this, it's outrageous!