To bin DP's junk while he's away?

[LittleRayTheCat]

DP collects junk. And I mean junk. He collects stuff because he doesn't sort his bag or pockets out enough; because he intends to do something with this junk later on; because he hates throwing stuff out which has some kind of meaning to us however fleeting; because he saves things for me to craft with at some point in the future.

Our under-stairs cupboard currently houses:
>A cracked refill coffee cup that DP intends to superglue and use as a plant pot in his office. He'll unlikely ever get around to super gluing it and never ever to getting a plant for it (unless I do it, which I absolutely won't).

>A backpack with a huge rip that DP intends to sew up or get professionally repaired. He's never sewed anything in his life and he'll likely not get around to finding a repair shop. Again, I'm not doing either of these things for him.

>A power bag for weightlifting which is leaking sand which DP intends to repair with duct tape. He won't get around to this and we bought a replacement bag so why bother anyway?

>A carrier bag full of papers, broken pens, scrolled up tissues, chocolate wrappers, train tickets, empty blister packs etc. that DP took from his old work bag when he got a new one. This has been on a shelf in the cupboard for two fucking years without any moves to get sorted out.

He's away for three days with work. AIBU to bin/recycle/rehome everything while he's away and then just never mention it? I very much bought he'll ever notice.

Don't text him, just do it. If you ever get questioned about any if it, which is unlikely, just lie

I’m a bit like your husband, but really without the good intentions. I have carrier bags of stuff in my cupboard that I just scooped up to tidy away, it’s been years, no idea what’s really in them, but they can’t be that important! Luckily this isn’t something that affects anyone else as I live alone. I say bin them, especially as you already know he likely won’t notice or care

When I say meaningful things in the OP, I don't mean photographs or mementos of moments we've shared. What I mean is junk that we've had a laugh over that a sensible person would chuck but he then keeps.

Example:
A few months ago, our local paper had a full-page advert for some tradesman thing. There was a woman in the advert in full make-up with a 1980s power suit which just didn't go. Me and DP had a laugh about it for a bit. Then I tore out the advert, put it on DP's pillow and made the joke that he'd had an affair with the woman.
So, after this you'd chuck out the ripped out page, right? Nope. I didn't anything else of it until last week when I opened our important paperwork box to find the woman's head staring back at me.

He justifies this by saying we should keep it in a scrapbook or something. But what that really means is that I should take time to put it in a scrapbook. I do enjoy crafting but I have my own ideas for projects, I don't need DP hoarding junk for me to craft with!

Exactly this! Out of sight, out of mind.

No. The carrier bag of doom has not been touched for two years.

The rest of the stuff is just sitting in the cupboard so he sees it every day but I don't think he really looks at it. As in, I don't think he thinks "Oh, yeah there's that power bag that I'm going to repair, I should do that this weekend"

I can't see him ever sitting down on a Saturday to do his repairs and mending or sorting out. If he did, I would strongly suspect an affair, a breakdown or a total personality transplant.

If he isn't bothered if you throw it out then just do it and don't mention anything.

My number one rule about cleaning out anything…do it when no one else is home. Any neglected forgotten item will suddenly become needed. Second is it is nearly never missed because it has long been forgotten and it’s not my job to know where every item is if asked later. I would bin it all and not say a word. He won’t miss it. And I would keep doing this until you reclaim space. And of course no one should get rid of sentimental items and you do need to be careful when cleaning thru boxes. You are not attached to items have no plans for items and can quickly sort it out. He will never be able to sort it out.

Just get rid of all the shit, but take it to the tip rather than just binning it because he'd probably spot it in the bin. Then he might try to reclaim it.

If taken to the tip then it would be out of sight and out of mind, so less likely (though not impossible) that he may notice. It would also be nigh on impossible for him to get it back.

@LittleRayTheCat yes. Do it!!

Sounds a lot like ADHD/ADD to me is it possible that he has this? It can affect things this way, I think if it were me I’d say this is your final chance, you have 2 weeks to do the projects or they go in the bin, and then count him down so 13 days, 12 days etc then if it’s still not done at the end of that with daily reminders then you’re well within having done what you can and can then get rid of it

I could justify it to myself all I like but no I would not do this to my husband, and would not accept him doing it to me

I may collect it all if in open areas, bag it up and mention when it he got home ''if you don't want it we will get rid''

Imagine if this was reversed "OMG how could he do that to you I would divorce if he did that to me"

Is it possible to gather it all together and stick it in the loft/garage for a month without saying anything? At least that way if he notices he won’t feel you’ve ‘betrayed’ him by binning anything while he’s gone. If he hasn’t noticed after a month then wait until he’s gone again and chuck the lot.

put it in a box by the front door with a threat

Yes, throw it out! As someone who finds it difficult to throw stuff out myself, I would actually be quite happy if someone took that decision making part away from me and just did it!

It's just going to build up again and you will have the same issue in 6 months.
On his next day off I would just say today the only thing you are doing is cleaning junk end of.

Everything you’ve said, especially the bits about sentimental attachment to things and being goal orientated but unable to implement the steps to actually achieve the goal are symptoms of ADHD. I have ADHD and if someone tidied my stuff without talking to me I’d be livid - I’m already aware of my mess I just struggle to sort it and by doing it for me people reinforce the feelings of shame. Follow ADHD_love on Instagram or read their book Dirty Laundry - it has great advice on how to support people with these kind of struggles.

If you believe he has a mental health disorder, get rid of whatever won’t be obvious to him.

If you don’t actually have any concerns for his mental health, bin the lot. I have had to bin shite on a number of occasions. DH’s hoarding and laziness causes so much stress within our marriage. DS is 5 and we can’t even have his friends over for playdates.

Exactly. As I noted Mr Monkey has those tendancies. Whe he lived alone it got him to a place where he was ashamed to have anyone over to his flat. We spent a week cleaning and emptying it. Like the OPs DH is is mainly laziness but also a side order of not being able to let go of stuff/thinking things will be useful.

The rule when he came to live with me is this would not be alllowed to happen again. I arranged storage for anything sentimental, but I have implicit permission to bin stuff that is junk.

I have not read all the thread:
After you have done his. Will you have time to pop round and clear mine?😑
If it is work or business I am on the ball, but scraps with phone numbers 2 years ago. I understand completely.

big knickers on just do it .this would drive me mad cant stand rubbish

Any actual documents I would keep, but I would take the rest directly to the tip. If he notices, just say you’ve had a tidy up.

I don't think YABU but rather than do it in one go, I'd be skimming a handful off each day. Then it's not as obvious that you've done it. Either way, your kind of going against his wishes, but it's not quite as obvious.

Yes, but have you ever thought about the fact that your hoarding habits may cause resentment in other people?

Every time I see this thread in my notifications all I see is "my DP's junk" and I think "OOH!" then I remember it's this thread about clutter 😳😁

I actually wish DH would do this occasionally with both our piles of clutter, when he’s doing the bins. 😆