I left and husband didn't notice for 24hrs

[Squashitswaterandfruit]

Aibu to think he just doesn't give a shit?
I'm 28 weeks pregnant. He did something which upset me and I was trying to tell him why I was upset and he just stood up and shouted me down saying he wouldn't 'indulge this' then stormed off, slamming the door so hard that a glass fell off the side and smashed.
Obviously there's a lot of backstory and over the past year he's gotten colder and less affectionate.. seems constantly annoyed with me but just tells me I'm ridiculous if I try and discuss it.
I just packed a bag which I hid by the door. Then when he was upstairs I shouted that I was just going to the corner shop. Then I walked to the station and got the train to the city where I work and found a cheapo hotel that had space and I've been here 4 days.
He text me after 24 hours and the text literally just said 'are you somewhere safe' I just replied yes.
I have never left before. We've been together 11 years. I'm so sad.
I can't stay here forever. I'm only on minimum wage and only contracted 20hours. We don't have a joint account or anything. He earns 3x the amount I do and everything is in his name. We have two other children so I'll have to go back as it's half term soon and he will be at work. (I work nights so I would be home with them all day even when working)
I'm just really miserable. What can you do when someone doesn't have a conversation with you they just shut u down saying you are silly or ridiculous? Its like he just wants me to shut up. Other times in the past if I've got upset about something he just ignores me, doesn't interact with me at all until I have to just forget about it to keep the peace.

This is emotional abuse- look up ‘stone-walling.’ Not to mention the aggressive behaviour verbally and physically.
Also why is everything in his name financially?
Im so sorry to hear this OP he sounds like an absolute bastard. Especially as you are pregnant. He doesn’t care about you at all and is actively harming you.
Do you have a support network? Somewhere else you could stay with your dc? This relationship is incredibly damaging for you and your children and I’d be getting my ducks in a row to leave asap.

Hello! Just wanted to say how effing shit that is :( I’ve also done a runner before (no kids so a bit easier), helps clear the head! Good for you for having a break.

You absolutely need a proper break and long term. It’s a bit of bloody work but take stock of what and who could help you most in the next few months.

if your husband earns a chunk more but isn’t any help then see what other posters say about making him pull his weight (you shouldn’t worry about financial differences between you, it’s a shared life!!). Separation and divorce are a good idea if planned well enough. This sounds particularly shite: “I work nights so I would be home with them all day even when working”. He should be embarrassed - not as the “man” in the relationship but a partner in any relationship!! You must be knackered :(

Before other posters come and help, hope you’ve had some chill time in the hotel and some nice food :) Treat yourself well however you can

He did something which upset me and I was trying to tell him why I was upset and he just stood up and shouted me down saying he wouldn't 'indulge this' then stormed off, slamming the door so hard that a glass fell off the side and smashed

whoah I missed this …. Can you stay with your parents or any friends? He shouldn’t be near you!!!!!!

Thank you you are both very kind.
I've not been having a relaxing break. The hotel is a bit frightening and I've just been crying most of the time.
I don't have any family really. I was only close to my dad but he unexpectedly died about 9 months ago. My mum lives abroad but we don't have a good relationship. I have no siblings. I don't really have anywhere to go.

What city are you in?

The house is in his name but I know if we sold it I'd be entitled to half. I definitely wouldn't be able to buy anywhere remotely near my children's schools. I've been looking at rentals and even then the best I could do is being a lodger in someone's house. But then I'd need somewhere to see the children as I couldn't bring them there... so I guess it might be better if my husband keeps the house. He will try and say he doesn't want it though i know he will. But he wouldn't be able to rent anywhere near the kids schools either.. maybe a bit better than I could afford but definitely not a house with bedrooms for each of the kids like we have now.
It's just so sad. I know he's doing what he usually does and ignoring me until I just give up.

Realise this must be really hard. Apart from the half term / work thing, are you happy (enough) that your two other children are with their Dad currently ?

Yes he's a good dad. They love him. I could never fault his parenting.

Can you talk to your midwife? Relationship breakdowns and abuse by a partner is sadly common in pregnancy. The midwife may be able to suggest sources of support.

Do you want to go home ?

I'm under the perinatal mental health team due to previous pnd so I'll get lots of opportunity to talk. Hopefully they can give advice on my situation @FictionalCharacter

(Have to go to bed as have work in the morning but wanted to say I’m thinking of you and will be checking the thread tomorrow. Honestly am sure more helpful posters will come along with tips, speaking to health care team already a good idea 👍)

@novocaine4thesoul I honestly don't know what I want. Just not to feel miserable and to be listened to I guess.

I feel like going home will not achieve those things. But I do miss my children.
Iknow they are fine and they won't have noticed I've gone even as I was due to work 3 nights this week. They are at school during the day and will just think I'm at work at night.

Could a mediator encourage your husband to leave for a few weeks while you to go back home with your children?

Perhaps you both could agree for him to visit the children at set times (even with someone to suport you while he is there) until the baby is born. You would have to discuss the birth etc.

I also think you should expect to stay in the home with your children until the baby is six months old.

You need to make sustainable plans for when you go back to work - separation? selling the house? All those things are too difficult to decide while you are heavily pregnant.

For now you and your children need security, safety, to converse respectfully and the freedom to think about your future.

I cannot afford to run that house on my wage though.

I also don't want to upset the children. Can pass off me being gone as they know I work nights, but they'd pick up something was wrong if he wasn't there at night

I'm afraid you are going to need to get smart and organized. Hard as it is, running away to a hotel is not the best way of getting yourself to a point where you can leave your bully of a husband.

In the first instance, contact your perinatal MH team and your midwife. I have no idea whether they can direct you to practical help, but hopefully they can at least help you with your MH and your pregnancy.

Secondly, once you are back in the marital home, can you access your husband's financial records? Scan or photograph as much as you can - bank and investment statements, P60s, tax returns, mortgage, pensions etc.

Third is education about the divorce process: Divorce for Dummies, Wikivorce, websites of family solicitors. The more you know, the better prepared you'll be.

Then see an experienced family solicitor and explore your options. Sadly, you may have to accept that you will probably end up in a rental somewhere, and your children may have to change schools. But your MH overrides other factors, and your children will be emotionally better off once they are away from the current toxic and abusive environment.

Good dads don’t abuse their children’s mum. He is going to make your escape a “symptom” of your MH issues, when they are most likely a result of his abusive behaviour. Please call women’s aid.

@NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz

Whilst I'm obviously hurt and angry I think calling him abusive is a stretch.
He's being shit to me at the moment but he is honestly a good dad who is very present in the children's lives and clearly loves them very much.

I knew I'd forgotten something really important...

Yes, absolutely do call Women's Aid. Do this as a matter of priority (after calling your MH team).

Also, CAB should be able to assist with things like Universal Credit application.

@PaminaMozart yes I didn't plan this and it's not sustainable. If I'm actually to leave permanently I need to go back there and sort out a longer term plan.
I very much do not want the children to suffer and will do anything so they don't have to move schools even if that means he stays in the house with them.

I think you need to go home, but stop expecting him to be sympathetic, as he's clearly doesn't and won't see things from your perspective. You need to become harder, don't engage with him.....grey rock him. Become detached and don't have sex with him.

I know it's no way to live, but at this moment you are very vulnerable and need time to get sorted and move forward from this situation. When you feel able instigate divorce proceedings.

Believe me I've had years of similar treatment and walked out many times, but I was just treated like a spoilt child who should be ignored. It never made a difference and I should've left years ago.

It is an awful situation, and not one that will be solved overnight. I think some posters have suggested things that are helpful. But yes, you are probably right when you say, "I need to go back there and sort out a longer term plan". Hopefully go back when the kids are not there, and try and have a chat with your partner. It might be that you have reached the end of the road as a "couple", and that might come as a relief to you both. Only you can work out what that means for you both, and the kids and the working out of the house, schools etc,. I can't even begin to imagine how the last four days have been for you, beyond dreadful and sad. But for your own sake, go home and talk. And yes, if the reception is poor, then you should call on those who can help you as advised by OPs. I am thinking of you xxx

@Hallmark1234 It's so hard as it's not in my nature to be cold. I always just start being nice and chatty with him again etc.. because I just can't bare the tension. He never backs down ever. He would just not speak to me for the rest of time if I didn't speak to him.
I know I need to be harder but it's such a drain on me whereas it just seems to come naturally to him. I just don't understand why it isn't draining for him too.. surely he can't be happy being an arse all the time?!. i just always end up thinking whats the point we are wasting our time fighting... but then its always me who tries to sort it out.. i feel like im just rowing the boat by myself. Its heartbreaking because I love him but my self esteem cannot take being treated like this constantly.
Itwon't be any issue not having sex with him as we only have sex if I come onto him. He's not physically affectionate towards me but accepts me being physically affectionate towards him. He gets worse in the winter.. there's obviously a lot going on with him but I've just lost the will to keep trying to get him to communicate. I wish I could see some kind of sign he was on board with trying to make the relationship work but yes just as you said, it's like I'm a spoilt child who shouldn't be indulged if I'm ever tiresome enough to try and talk through a problem

Please think more about why you are prepared to walk out and allow him to have the children. He is abusive to you. You need to think longer term. I am presuming they’re still relatively young. Younger children are much easier than teenagers. He may start to abuse them once they’re tweens / teenagers. Or he may attempt to alienate them from you.

Don’t make any decisions right now. You need decent advice. And yes, to getting all the financial information secretly photocopied. If you do not have anyone to stash this with, you can get a safety deposit box. A quick google suggests NatWest are the cheapest but idk if they have that facility at your local branch.

I did similar in 2011. I posted on MN, and I've got a copy of it somewhere. Then MN helped me divorce him. I really must go to bed, but I'll dig it out tomorrow afternoon sometime, hopefully. Advice for now - no point talking to him about this, it is most likely to turn into a re-run of the previous argument. Tread water, as it were, for the time being. Rest, eat. Post here. People will be along soon, people who have been in a similar situation.