I left and husband didn't notice for 24hrs

[Squashitswaterandfruit]

Aibu to think he just doesn't give a shit?
I'm 28 weeks pregnant. He did something which upset me and I was trying to tell him why I was upset and he just stood up and shouted me down saying he wouldn't 'indulge this' then stormed off, slamming the door so hard that a glass fell off the side and smashed.
Obviously there's a lot of backstory and over the past year he's gotten colder and less affectionate.. seems constantly annoyed with me but just tells me I'm ridiculous if I try and discuss it.
I just packed a bag which I hid by the door. Then when he was upstairs I shouted that I was just going to the corner shop. Then I walked to the station and got the train to the city where I work and found a cheapo hotel that had space and I've been here 4 days.
He text me after 24 hours and the text literally just said 'are you somewhere safe' I just replied yes.
I have never left before. We've been together 11 years. I'm so sad.
I can't stay here forever. I'm only on minimum wage and only contracted 20hours. We don't have a joint account or anything. He earns 3x the amount I do and everything is in his name. We have two other children so I'll have to go back as it's half term soon and he will be at work. (I work nights so I would be home with them all day even when working)
I'm just really miserable. What can you do when someone doesn't have a conversation with you they just shut u down saying you are silly or ridiculous? Its like he just wants me to shut up. Other times in the past if I've got upset about something he just ignores me, doesn't interact with me at all until I have to just forget about it to keep the peace.

Goodness, some of the answers on this thread are ridiculous.

The OP is distressed, afraid and vulnerable, and people are saying SHE'S controlling?

Balls. She wanted him to call her after she disappeared and is upset that he didn't. That is not the actions of someone in fear.
She announced she was popping out, she didn't sneak out in the night.

She wasn't afraid because he wouldn't have an argument, she was angry. He didn't break the door, he slammed it and a glass broke. She even says twice in her posts that she is "hurt and angry".

Op says, I don't want my children to change schools

This is the least of your problems
Children change schools throughout their education. The same as adults change jobs
It is not an excuse not to leave, get counselling, seperate or divorce

You leaving to a hotel, is a cry for help

Now you need to engage with all the help that is available eg midwife, police, social worker, women's aid etc

She did sneak out.
She packed a bag and left it by the front door, and left when he wasn't looking.

Ok, if you read OP's posts and get from them that she is a woman cowering in fear, who had no choice but to leave everything and everyone with almost nothing in order to keep herself safe,

rather than that she is a desperately frustrated woman begging for some kind of reaction from her partner that shows that he gives a toss,

Then we are obviously reading a different set of posts.

'Obviously there's a lot of backstory and over the past year he's gotten colder and less affectionate.. seems constantly annoyed with me '

Why are you having a baby with him?

If I was to create a post right now saying my husband had told me he was going to the shop but packed a bag and left me and the kids for 3 nights to spend in a hotel after an argument, while waiting on me crawling to him in apology, I'd have reams of pages of people telling me he was a manipulative, emotionally abusive arsehole. And they would be correct.

The OP has mentioned nothing of what the argument was about, the only information in the posts to confirm emotional abuse points to OP being the abuser. Slamming a door when you're angry is something I imagine most people have done, while not great, I wouldn't exactly class it as abuse on its own.

I read this as you suggesting that you would move out and leave the children with their father in the marital home. Did I misunderstand it?

Having thought a bit about this thread over the course of the day, I am reminded that my ex husband "left home" at one point. He was a drama queen. He claimed I "hadn't noticed that he'd left"; in fact, I had 100% noticed, and had enjoyed the peace and quiet. I wasn't going to ruin it by engaging with his games. I figured that if he wasn't okay, the police would let me know.

Not that this is what you are doing, but whichever way you look at it, it's a dysfunctional relationship which won't be doing your children any favours.

You have had a lot, sometimes conflicting, advice thrown at you, @Squashitswaterandfruit . At the very least, read this:

https://www.shortform.com/pdf/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-lundy-bancroft

The full version is also available as a pdf online.

Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? is a guide to how abusive men think, explaining the motivation and logic behind domestic abuse so that victims can better defend themselves against it. Bancroft draws on his years of experience as a counselor working with abusive men to shed light on how they deliberately confuse, manipulate, and intimidate their victims to get what they want. Ultimately, Bancroft hopes that readers will use his book to better assert their own humanity and independence, either leaving the relationship or demanding that their partner take responsibility for and change his abusive behavior.

Sorry I have been asleep as I am back in work tonight.

To address some points.

Yes I should not have left. I think it's a mixture of what people are saying. I don't think he's intentionally abusive and I don't think I was intentionally trying to be manipulative. I think our communication has just broken down to the level where I felt the only way I would be acknowledged is if I left. I was not afraid of him when I left, but also I dud leave on impulse after being very shaken up by him just shouting in my face. I didn't think he would hurt me I wasn't really thinking what I was doing properly. I didn't txt or call him straight away as my phone battery died and it took me some time to find a hotel with space as it was around midnight on a Friday night when I arrived in this city... I didn't find anywhere till 2am. The childish act on my part was being so hurt when I plugged my phone in to find that he hadn't called me that I did not call him which I know I should have done.

Like I said in an ideal world we could have communicated like adults but that was not and has not been happening. Not on my side.

The issue we fell out over is not something I would have left about. I left because of how he shouted me down.. and how that's the icing on the cake of how he's been behaving lately.

The issue we fell out over.. and it wasn't even a falling out I was just sad and was trying to talk to him about how I felt and get some reassurance.. was around him going to see his dad who is visiting from abroad. He had spent all last weekend visiting his dad with the kids which is fine, i was working, he had taken them to see him agter school two nights again fine, i was supposed to go on one of the nights and i did want to but was just too exhausted, he told me he was picking the children up from school and would be taking them straight to see his dad on Friday so I got them ready for him fine. When he came back on Friday night he then told me he had arranged something for all day Saturday as well. This was not something he had told me about previously so I was a little upset as it was my only day off where he was off all day too for a couple of weeks and we had agreed to do some work on the house on this day. It wasn't even like I was trying to stop him from seeing his dad on Saturday its just I was surprised by thus and not happy but when I started trying to talk about it he just stood up and yelled in my face that he wasn't indulging it and he compared me to his abusive ex who stopped him seeing his grandad when his grandad was dying.. then he stormed off.

I wasn't frightened of him but I was just really shocked and shaken by the ott reaction. As I've said this is not the first time recently he's just started shouting at me out of nowhere.

I should probably add that my stupid reaction to just run away might also be because I was in a violent relationship when I was younger where my ex nearly killed me by beating me up. I don't react well to people raising their voice to me and I just ran away in shock.

It wasn't the right thing to do. My husband would never physically hurt me.

There are faults on both sides here.

As for the me not getting up during the day to be with the children that one poster commented on, I usually do as I pick them up from school and have them from then but obviously I am then only getting 5 hours of sleep. My husband was on annual leave this week so was due to collect them from school so I would have just slept through. My shifts are 10pm till 9am. They are waking nights. So I would get in after the children had gone to school and be getting up when they had just gone yo bed. This is not what usually happens but it does happen when my husband is off and I am working.

He honestly is a good dad.

Obviously we both have our issues. Like I said I love him and want to work through them but I feel he has frozen on me. I do not think it's fair to say that that is because 'I'm dramatic' I've never left him before.. I feel like I was pushed into being dramatic in this instance by being shut down and shouted at. It wasn't a good or reasonable decision on my part but I do not think I deserve sole responsibility for it.

i am working tonight but i will go back on thursday when the kids are at school and try and have a conversation about what we are going to do moving forward.

Sorry there's a typo in that last post

I meant to say 'the issue we fell out about is something I WOULD NOT have ever left over, it's just something I was trying to talk to him about'

Sorry been very busy. Hopefully can add my twopenn'orth tomorrow.

IMHO you did the right thing going to the hotel for the night - please don't let anyone persuade you differently. Even if you want to stay together, the first step is to get your head clear enough to think. This is almost impossible while you are under the same roof. That one night can be the start of the process.

My ex was exactly like this when I was heavily pregnant including 'im not indulging this' and punching a while in the wall. He walked out on me at 34 weeks so I didn't have to find the courage to leave!.

Please seek advice from women's aid and try to find someone else (a friend or family?) who you can confide in that will help you with the new baby. You deserve nurturing care compasssion and kindness and I'm so sorry you're not getting it from your children's father. All I can say is focus on getting through the next few months now (not on trying to resurrect the relationship) and make a plan to leave safely at a time that works for you

Ps you're married I just noticed you have many more rights - please seek legal advice save up for a one off consultation if you have to but try women's aid first

Good dads don't terrorize women pregnant with their baby. Don't leave the house - he should be the one to move out he can finance a room somewhere- please get legal advice before saying anything to him

He would have to pay you child support though

She was there 4 days.

Being a good dad doesn't make him a good partner or a good person. You can be a good mum too. Is there any reason you can't just take the kids and go to the council as homeless?

Wait ....his dad is visiting from abroad and you wanted him to spend Saturday with you because its your day off?

Of course he wants ti spend time with his dad. I would have assumed you would have done everything possible to enable that he's only here for a limited time

You do sound very self centered

People saying he's abusive ... he isn't, yes he shouted , it was an argument which you were both shouting You said yourself you've never felt threatened, honestly I feel you are the abusive one , you want to control everything. Of course he is shutting down if everything turns into an argument he's unlikely to talk to you

You are too dramatic who leaves their kids for 4 days without a word

I do understand you are tired and hormonal but this is all way too high maintenance and stressful maybe you are both better apart

@Maddy70 there's a lot of backstory about the dad. He lives in Korea with the OW he left my husbands 19 year old mother for when my husband was a baby (he was 30). He's an alcoholic narcissist who was according to his mum, violent to her.
But i appreciate he wants to see the grandkids. Although he also has children and grandkids in Korea. I wasn't trying to stop that I just got upset to have the random extra date sprung on me with no warning. The rest of the dates I knew about. Like I said I would have never left the home over that I was just upset and when I said that, he reacted in this extreme way.
Ithink it's partly because he hates his dad but feels manipulated and obligated into just seeing him when he demands.
In fact I know he does because we've now been texting and this is what he's said about why he reacted so badly to me. He was upset by having to spend the day with his dad and then being guilted into doing it an extra day. He has apologised for his extreme reaction and we are meeting up during the day whilst the kids are at school to talk.

I think couples counselling would be a good idea. He's a good man who has been there for me in my life when no one else has but unfortunately we have both been through a lot on our lives and stressful times like these bring out the worst in us. Our communication has become really unhealthy and I do not want the children to be around that. I just want to know that he's willing to acknowledge that and work on it. Because his default is to shut down and pretend nothing is happening. Even when he is very upset. And i dont mean upset about me i mean about any stress in his life. He just becomes cold and distant and dismissive but will say nothing is wrong, but randomly go off the deep end at me. And i end up sometimes being over emotional because i cant force communication in any other way and my self esteem is in tatters from being frozen on. So we end up in this toxic dynamic. Because obviously it makes us both worse.. the colder he gets the more emotional I get and vice versa.
I don't know... I love him and I do want to work on things but as I said I can't work on things alone if he isn't cooperative. He is saying some reassuring things now.. so if he agreed to counselling I would go.

Personally never experienced anything like this and my heart goes out to you. A friend did leave her husband for a few days and the messages she received from him were abusive and down right threatening. She did, eventually, leave him.
I don't want to minimise your husvands behaviour, he is being an arsehole but a small positive I saw was he asked if you were somewhere safe. I do wonder if he is worried with your previous pnd and he doesn't want to face up and discuss. Obviously his behaviour is not acceptable and you really need support. Give yourself some kindness and allow yourself time to make some pretty big decisions x x

The initial argument that led to @Squashitswaterandfruit fleeing seemed to me involve her husband being abusive and controlling.
The number of days she left for is virtually irrelevant compared to this factor.

That he has apologised for his extreme reaction, and that OP understands how he may have ended up at the end of his tether, bodes extremely well. A truly abusive man never apologises properly. Usually he doesn't apologise at all, but if he does, it's by saying something like "I'm sorry you felt like that." Sincere apologies are made for one's own behaviour, not for the effect it had on the other person (which borders on blaming the other person for their reaction)

this. My husband does not say sorry. Even when it's clearly his fault. So go with the little positives and keep that line of communication open. Best of luck.

Have you contacted womens aid? They will be able to offer advice and support and a safe space for you.