I left and husband didn't notice for 24hrs

[Squashitswaterandfruit]

Aibu to think he just doesn't give a shit?
I'm 28 weeks pregnant. He did something which upset me and I was trying to tell him why I was upset and he just stood up and shouted me down saying he wouldn't 'indulge this' then stormed off, slamming the door so hard that a glass fell off the side and smashed.
Obviously there's a lot of backstory and over the past year he's gotten colder and less affectionate.. seems constantly annoyed with me but just tells me I'm ridiculous if I try and discuss it.
I just packed a bag which I hid by the door. Then when he was upstairs I shouted that I was just going to the corner shop. Then I walked to the station and got the train to the city where I work and found a cheapo hotel that had space and I've been here 4 days.
He text me after 24 hours and the text literally just said 'are you somewhere safe' I just replied yes.
I have never left before. We've been together 11 years. I'm so sad.
I can't stay here forever. I'm only on minimum wage and only contracted 20hours. We don't have a joint account or anything. He earns 3x the amount I do and everything is in his name. We have two other children so I'll have to go back as it's half term soon and he will be at work. (I work nights so I would be home with them all day even when working)
I'm just really miserable. What can you do when someone doesn't have a conversation with you they just shut u down saying you are silly or ridiculous? Its like he just wants me to shut up. Other times in the past if I've got upset about something he just ignores me, doesn't interact with me at all until I have to just forget about it to keep the peace.

OP you say this pregnancy was accidental - was your contraception sabotaged? You have found a job you like, after 8 years of being a SAHM and now you are pregnant just as your independence was growing.

I get that it feels impossible at the moment but you don't have to do everything all at once.

As PP have said, take things step by step.

Look, sometimes reframing things in your own mind can really help. How about this: you have left your horrible husband. You will return to the marital home to be with your children and to complete the process of splitting from him. You don't need him to speak to you as you are no longer in a relationship with him. If you have to speak to him do it in a civil manner. Do not attempt to discuss the separation with him. If he attempts to berate you or shout at you simply hold up your hand and say "do not speak to me in that way". You will need to take deep breaths and exhibit a sense of calm you may not feel.

Rearrange the children's bedrooms so that there is one for you. Have a locksmith put a lock on your door and lock it when you are not in there.

Go online and fill out the divorce forms and submit them with the fee.

Do not worry about where you are going to live - that will come later.

This is yours and your children's one precious life. You can take control and stop this horrible man from ruining all your lives.

He's not a good dad.

Good dad's don't treat their mother's like crap. And he's treating you like crap: he has all the money, the power, everything is in his name, he ignores you until you do what he wants, he ignores you when you're upset until you cave in and do what he wants.

He's teaching his children that you come last. That your feelings don't matter. That his behaviour is untouchable, whether it's right or wrong.

Without knowing what happened he may he bang out of order or you might be.

If you were being unreasonable he's right to say he isn't going to tolerate it.

You stormed out and expected him to chase after you I suspect. That's attention seeking and Controlling.

He checked to ask if you were somewhere safe.

This to me (and not knowing any details at all) sounds like a row... we all have them ,when you're pregnant those pregnancy hormones can make you extra sensitive too

Stop storming out , stop door banging. You both are not teenagers you are about to become pregnant.

Sit down and talk. Really listen to each others point of view too

Hes not a good dad. Hes abusing their mother in front of them. Hes making someone who is pregnant and working nights. Look after children in the day, he is not a good dad or partner

They will of noticed you have gone. Please get some help for yourself, you can contact womens aid for help and advice

Maddy70 · Today 10:04 respectfully, this is a 100% pure shit take

He is abusive. When women are subjected to emotional abuse they get worn down and cant see it for what it is. He controlling you . Negating your feelings. Harming you physical and mental health. It got so far you think your children wont notice

Totally agree

It's very difficult as no one here really knows the ins and outs of your relationship. But a first response is that you left without a word, made no contact and he did contact you to check you were safe. He obviously noticed that you were gone but why is it only on him to make contact?

You will get a lot of responses blaming him completely and urging you to leave or blow things up further. Nobody here knows who was responsible for the initial argument or what the day to day is like for all of you.

It seems like there are many deeper problems. It might be solvable it might not. It might not be best to solve it or it might. The first step is to have a conversation about how both of you feel and what you want, then perhaps get some marriage counselling.

Stop talking absolute bullshit.

So you don't want to know how it started , why , the other factors? We have only had one side of this. I stated he could be bang out of order or not ? Why is that bullshit?

I think claiming you are popping to the corner shop and then disappearing without a word, even to your children, for several days is pretty shitty behaviour, OP. Sorry, but if you were a bloke doing that you'd get short shrift.

You obviously have a problem in your relationship but this isn't the way to handle it, and how were you imagining it would end?

I'd go back and ask for couples counselling. If he refuses then I'd start retraining (open University) and looking looking for work. Even work from home and bank the money.
This by a million op, the fact that you mention money so much, you need to get to a place where you are happy, that’s so important op, in every way. What’s life for if you’re miserable? I’d agree that ‘abuse’ is being thrown about a lot on this thread, and I don’t agree that him not getting in touch with you for 24 hours was part of it- we don’t know if he was cooling down or he wanted to give you space but whether it is or not it’s all not right and you need to start figuring out how you can live a happy life x best of luck op, I hope future updates are very different and best of luck with your baby! Congratulations x

When you filled in the risk assessments after declaring you were pregnant did your employer state the risks of working nights when pregnant?

You know you can go back and say on reflection nights doesn't work for my health, can even get midwife to support this.

If there's no day work they legally have to pay you to be at home giving you plenty more time in your own home to get your ducks in a row.

It might not be the best time to birth your baby, single in a new place so I appreciate that you may consider waiting until your baby is born/breastfed until at least 6 months. That's okay if you need to focus on newborn health.

Make sure the health visitor has all the notes from midwife and they can look into supporting you with visits in or out of the home so you can get to a phone without him listening in during mat leave.

I'm not sure how everyone has concluded he's abusive either, no one comes out smelling of roses from that OP or any of the updates. What did he do to upset you and what are the things you're raising to be met with him shutting you down? For example, if you're constantly accusing him of cheating, then he's not the abusive one here. If he's calling you names in front of the children then fair enough it's him being abusive. Walking out without leaving word of where you are, if you're safe or any making arrangements for your children does not make you come off well here either. If my partner did that they'd never get back in the door.

Who looks after the kids between school ending and him getting home if you're usually sleeping and don't see them? Also, why are you sleeping the remainder of the day after a nightshift to the point you don't see your children? This isn't normal and if it was a man doing this everyone would be outraged at him shirking his responsibility to the children and household.

Financially you've not described anything abusive either, he pays all the bills, you've not mentioned if there's much left over plus your wage and child benefit are in your own account. The mortgage set up is pretty common for lower income families where one parent stays home.

If my pregnant wife disappeared having popped out to a shop, I would have called the police. But it's all about our knowledge and understanding of the person, isn't it?

The fact that he just asked if you were somewhere safe suggests that he realized it was a grand gesture on your part. Which suggests you might be more dramatic in style overall.

He has done what he does, what he did in your opening post, and ignored what he perceives as your dramatics (whilst double checking you are safe).

It sounds like you are drama, and he has withdrawn and become cynical, and that's not great for communication on either side.

This is what you should be doing OP - agree with@NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz

Good dads don’t abuse their children’s mum. He is going to make your escape a “symptom” of your MH issues, when they are most likely a result of his abusive behaviour. Please call women’s aid.

Call Women's Aid and speak to someone now. He is not a good dad

TBH from what you wrote it's hard to know whether he's genuinely uncaring or whether you have a tendency to throw tantrums which he's refusing to indulge. I have a feeling it's a mixture of both.

It sounds like the relationship is quite salvageable, but you must both be ready to sit down and really think how each one can change.

This is not the whole or even part of the answer OP, but before following all the good practical advice on here, I wonder if, given his known-to-you issues especially re. winter, etc, if it would be idea to write him a letter. He won't discuss things with you and shuts you down verbally, so you could write him a letter saying what you have said on here. That he is shutting you out though you want to be there for him, and ask him in writing what is troubling him. He can't then totally ignore you, but if he does, you can go ahead with leaving him knowing you have done all you can. It might help him open up to you possibly. But his behaviour to you at present is unacceptable.

Every single time I saw a midwife, or anyone for my pregnancy, they asked me if I was safe at home and whether there was any concerns around DV or abuse of any form. They have to ask as you're bringing a child into it, safeguarding.

Tell them you're not safe and you're in an emotionally abusive situation. They'll help you.

Genuinely though, is telling your partner you are going to the shop and never coming home or even messaging to say 'gone away for a couple of days to get my head straight' not emotionally abusive? I don't get it. I don't think I would ever forgive a partner who did something so emotionally manipulative to me. It's worse than just walking out, because the "popping to the shop" line is there to make the other person worry when they don't come home. Add in two young children that Dad now has to manage whilst trying to cover for absent parent. And he's the abusive one, because he didn't want to be told how he was being annoying and slammed a door when he left?

I think there are clear faults on both sides here, OP, sorry.

It's not how I would behave, but equally my DH would let me say my piece and wouldn't smash doors. I can imagine being pregnant and scared, OP has reacted emotionally. Although, us on MN won't know if this is how she usually behaves or if she's run cos she's scared in this one instance and not thought it through to the end.

I'd still talk to the midwife though cos this is not a scenario to bring a newborn into.

OP he isn't a good dad if he's abusive towards you.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I left my abusive husband and went and stayed with my sister.

Have you any family you can go to?

Marvellous example of victim-blaming there.
OP was afraid, and that's why she left surreptitiously.

What the mortgage adviser told you is a crock,discriminatory and probably malpractice. No adviser should suggest a spouse is not on the mortgage for a house, you can still get on the mortgage even if there's only one wage paying for it. I do not have a wage and similarly thought many years ago I wouldn't be on the mortgage because of this,we were very strongly advised for legal reasons and my protection ,I should be. Sounds like your husband manipulated this situation and may well have had a quiet word with adviser beforehand. Unfortunately there are many scumbags in this industry and their commission is their first concern.
You need legal advice,some solicitors firms will have clinics where you can get initial free advice and some volunteer for the citizens advice bureau.
Leaving your kids for 4 days without so much as an explanation to husband or them was extremely unwise,though to a degree understandable baring in mind your depression ,but it still makes you look unreliable. Make sure you discuss everything with your mental health professional or gp.
This relationship is clearly not healthy for you and you are carrying the weight of not just yours ,but your husbands mental health issues .Were he prepared to work with you on your marriage and his problems you might have a starting point to getting somewhere , sadly for both of you he prefers to punish you for his problems and revel in being a victim. Don't be a victim with him,you have a chance at recovery but he doesn't want to even try right now, you cannot make him.The current situation is not healthy for you ,your children or him.Who knows maybe splitting up may be the catalyst for him sorting himself out,though it really doesn't sound like it, please don't put your life on hold expecting it.
I wish you well for the future.