I left and husband didn't notice for 24hrs

[Squashitswaterandfruit]

Aibu to think he just doesn't give a shit?
I'm 28 weeks pregnant. He did something which upset me and I was trying to tell him why I was upset and he just stood up and shouted me down saying he wouldn't 'indulge this' then stormed off, slamming the door so hard that a glass fell off the side and smashed.
Obviously there's a lot of backstory and over the past year he's gotten colder and less affectionate.. seems constantly annoyed with me but just tells me I'm ridiculous if I try and discuss it.
I just packed a bag which I hid by the door. Then when he was upstairs I shouted that I was just going to the corner shop. Then I walked to the station and got the train to the city where I work and found a cheapo hotel that had space and I've been here 4 days.
He text me after 24 hours and the text literally just said 'are you somewhere safe' I just replied yes.
I have never left before. We've been together 11 years. I'm so sad.
I can't stay here forever. I'm only on minimum wage and only contracted 20hours. We don't have a joint account or anything. He earns 3x the amount I do and everything is in his name. We have two other children so I'll have to go back as it's half term soon and he will be at work. (I work nights so I would be home with them all day even when working)
I'm just really miserable. What can you do when someone doesn't have a conversation with you they just shut u down saying you are silly or ridiculous? Its like he just wants me to shut up. Other times in the past if I've got upset about something he just ignores me, doesn't interact with me at all until I have to just forget about it to keep the peace.

He's not a good dad

Good dads don't treat the mother of their children like he's treating you.

This pregnancy was not planned. I decided to keep the baby as on the face of it we could cope. We have a fourth bedroom and I could have afforded nursery fees so I could continue working. I talked it over with work and they could be really flexible so I thought it would be fine.

@Beautiful3 I don't want to leave my job I really love it. It's also for the council and so my pay will increase every year. I've not been there a year yet. They also offer training which I'm very keen on. I was lucky to get this job after being a SAHM for 8 years.

Please do some reading online about Stonewalling. When done deliberately as a punishment method to a partner it is 100% emotional abuse. It is a power play in order for your husband to have control and dominance over you. He will ignore you for as many days as it needs, until you crumble and then go meekly back to him being all nice in order to win him back around. I had a previous partner do this constantly to me and it turns you into an emotional wreck, completely evaporates all your self esteem and sense of security within the relationship. Whilst for him it makes him feel Mr Powerful. It’s also telling that the house is only in his name and he doesn’t share finances with you. I bet he also never ever apologises for his bad behaviour, you end up apologising for whatever he did wrong?! And I bet he also has very little empathy/sympathy towards you? Please read up on Stonewalling and emotional abuse. And call WomensAid for help.

Can I just say that you are really important to your children. You mention wanting to put them first by not changing their schools and saying you could move out and leave them with their dad. But unless they are older teens about to do their a levels or gcses putting them first means them living with you and spending time with you because that for them will be the most important thing. Not saying you shouldn't divorce but the plan would have to involve them being with you at least half the time. My fear is that your self esteem is low and you don't realise how much your children love you and need you.

@HarrietStyles

I honestly do not think it's intentional. He was in two abusive relationships before me (and this is not just something he says this is true. The police were involved in one and the other was with a woman who was 22 years older than him which started when he was 20 and went on for 13years) I know he has a lot of issues from this and just completely shuts down in certain situations.
That does not make his behaviour OK and I'm still very hurt and angry but I honestly don't believe he does it on purpose as some sort of master plan to control me.
He needs to sort it out. But he isn't. And I can't make him, I know that. I do not want to be treated this way.
The house is in his name as it effected the mortgage if my name were included as I was a SAHM at the time we bought the house. We were advised this by the mortgage advisor it wasn't his idea. I was there in the meeting and agreed to it.

I think that you should look at

Share with your midwife that you are having issues & ask for help today

Contact Wimens aid or a local domestic abuse, try 101

Think about divorcing your DH
If you are married you will be entitled to half of property, savings, pensions plus some benefits & child maintenance

Get some contraception sorted out

First things first you need to stop lying to yourself, though I understand it's a way for you to cope and protect yourself. He IS abusive. No amount of 'he's a good dad' or any other excuse will change that fact. If you truly can't see it, re read your post and imagine it were one of your kids telling you this about their partner, or a friend telling you this - what would you think then. Would you tell them their partners behaviour was ok and not at all abusive?

Secondly, I know people have already mentioned it a lot throughout the thread already but you haven't acknowledged it as far as I can see - please call women's aid. They will be your best option right now. I work closely with our local women's aid and they are truly amazing. From there, you will be able to get the right help and support you need - financially, physically and mentally.

Thirdly, I know you said you have no family you can go to, but do you have a friend you can talk to or stay with? If not, you can text SHOUT to 85258 and you will have someone to talk to there, they will also be able to help you with resources and organisations in your local area that will be essential in the coming weeks and months.

@Alligator456

I know. I don't intend to not spend time with my children. In the event of a divorce I would probably be spending the most time with the children out of the two of us for childcare reasons anyway. He works 8 till 6 every weekday. My shifts are longer and condensed into 2 or 3 days and are all night shifts.
I do not want to move their schools or for them to have to move out of their home. I would rent somewhere nearby so I could still collect them from school every day. They would not be able to stay overnight all the time with me anyway as I work nights

Dogsinpajamas .. they are very very wise words.
I grew up with parents constantly at war…the effects are very real.

OP please listen , some lovely advice here.

Whatever you do long term, OP, you need to be physically in your marital home at the moment.

Do not leave your children. Not because they're at any immediate risk, but because you can't do that to them. They would never get over their mother abandoning them, whatever the reasons for it.

Go back to your house and 'grey rock' your husband while you seek advice on how to leave him.

I do have lots of friends but unfortunately not in this city and I don't drive. I wouldn't be able to get to work easily were I to go and stay with any close friends. They mostly live in another city an hour away by train. My children also do not go to school in this city but in the town where our house is.. which is even further away from my friends. And I need to collect them from school etc

You need to start a Universal Credit claim. You’d get housing costs and some childcare paid if you rented, and with three kids and a part time wage it would be plenty.

Put some details into a benefits calculator. He’d also have to pay maintenance which isn’t counted towards your claim. Honestly, you can finance a solo life.

@windemupwatchemgo I've not abandoned my kids. They knew I was working this week they won't have expected to see my and indeed they would not have even had I not left as they leave for school before I get back and go to bed before I get up to go to work (when my husband is not working and collects them from school, usually if he's working I collect them from school so they would see me but not this week as he has annual leave all week)

I'llbe having them alone all day all next week as its half term and I do have things planned which I still intend to do with them

@LividGas yes I know you are right. I need to look into this.

He IS being abusive and you don't' have couples' counselling with an abuser

I think you need a plan where you don't work nights.

If they live with you then he will have to pay maintenance

Otherwise it will look like they live with him full time and that he is the residental parent whatever the reality of you picking them up from school.

Suggest

If he broke the glass door
Why did he not leave the property due to violence & anger ?

Why did you leave ?

Just think about that

You jointly own the property, because you are married

Go home & kick him out for a few days !

I mean this with all kindness - but open your eyes and see that your husband has been in three abusive relationships now. Who is the common denominator in those three relationships - your husband! He is 100% abusive. I know it’s difficult to realise it when you are on the receiving end, but everything you have said about him screams to anyone on the outside that he is abusing you. I thought for a long time that my abusive stonewalling partner didn’t really mean it, I blamed it on his bad childhood, forgave and forgave him. It took a long time for the rose tinted glasses to fall off and for me to see him for what he was. For goodness sake - he didn’t even contact you for 24 hours when you left the home. If that is not deliberate stonewalling then I don’t know what is. I want to shake you and give you a big hug in equal measures. Please go see a therapist and talk through what you are experiencing from your partner.

You are Spirling OP. Make a cup of tea if you can, then. Call your midwife, now it's 9am.

First step: Call your midwife.
Second step: Tell them that you're not at home.
Third step: Tell them what's happened to lead to that.

Be honest with them. They can help. Good luck.🍀

Have you got any family you can talk to about this? He shouldn't be slamming doors so hard the glass breaks.
It's a form of abuse as it's intimidation implying he could do that to you.

But he’s not a good dad is he? Good dads don’t behave like this

Wishing you luck OP. I hope you and your children can get away from him asap and get somewhere safe, start a new life.

My abuser started with smashing things to frighten me into submission. It worked. Until I managed to leave. Best decision ever! Good luck OP and be smart!

Ok. I recognise all these reasons to stay and put up with him. I’ve been there, done that as I said upthread.

You are using the school as a reason for not being able to do anything. I did this as mine were in a fabulous school. But, there are thousands of fabulous schools, and not necessarily in “the best” areas. You’ve been with your husband 11 yrs so the dc are young, not exam years. They can move school, it is not the end of the world.

Your job. Great it’s with council so you feel secure. But, it’s working nights so forcing you to stay. It’s low wage so not difficult to get the same wages elsewhere. You say you work all night then have the dc during the day, that is not sustainable with another baby without impacting on your physical and mental health. Our city council is cutting jobs at an alarming rate due to precarious finances so it’s not “a job for life” any more.
As a single parent you would probably get help with childcare costs ( I don’t know anything about how this works but others will).

If you were to move to the city your friends live would you have their support, better social life, easier transport, more job opportunities as it’s a city?

I’m jumping ahead but I’m hoping I’m helping you see none of these obstacles are real, and all can be sorted, and give you a better life. So please don’t get into the trap I did of making obstacles that aren’t real.

Please speak to Women’s aid or a local domestic charity. If you are not ready to speak to them, read their websites and follow links to other helpful websites.

@Squashitswaterandfruit

Put your details in to this to calculate your benefits entitlement.
https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

And here for child maintenance.
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance