I left and husband didn't notice for 24hrs

[Squashitswaterandfruit]

Aibu to think he just doesn't give a shit?
I'm 28 weeks pregnant. He did something which upset me and I was trying to tell him why I was upset and he just stood up and shouted me down saying he wouldn't 'indulge this' then stormed off, slamming the door so hard that a glass fell off the side and smashed.
Obviously there's a lot of backstory and over the past year he's gotten colder and less affectionate.. seems constantly annoyed with me but just tells me I'm ridiculous if I try and discuss it.
I just packed a bag which I hid by the door. Then when he was upstairs I shouted that I was just going to the corner shop. Then I walked to the station and got the train to the city where I work and found a cheapo hotel that had space and I've been here 4 days.
He text me after 24 hours and the text literally just said 'are you somewhere safe' I just replied yes.
I have never left before. We've been together 11 years. I'm so sad.
I can't stay here forever. I'm only on minimum wage and only contracted 20hours. We don't have a joint account or anything. He earns 3x the amount I do and everything is in his name. We have two other children so I'll have to go back as it's half term soon and he will be at work. (I work nights so I would be home with them all day even when working)
I'm just really miserable. What can you do when someone doesn't have a conversation with you they just shut u down saying you are silly or ridiculous? Its like he just wants me to shut up. Other times in the past if I've got upset about something he just ignores me, doesn't interact with me at all until I have to just forget about it to keep the peace.

Report your own post and ask MNHQ to move the thread to Relationships.

You are being abused. The Relationshios regulars have seen all this before and can signpost you to Women's Aid and help you evaluate your options.

Wishing you lots of luck @Squashitswaterandfruit , it sounds a horrible situation to be in, especially while pregnant.

You need to change your mindset. He is not a good dad. Good dads are not abusive to their childrens mother and social services would now class them as a victim of domestic abuse.
Safeguard your children otherwise if you have sons they will think it's normal to treat their partners like this, if you have daughters they will think its normal to be treated like this.
In 20 years time your daughter comes to you for advice because she's in this exact situation, what would you tell her? Take your own advice.
Also contact woman's aid asap.

Oh op he sounds abusive and what a tough time. Agree with pp that womens id can help you. I can tell from your posts he’s already worn hon down. Stay strong for your kids and don’t walk away from your life - he should be the one to go. Speak to womens aid and CAB and get some strong advice. Sending you love xxx

OP do you want to be with him? Regardless of everything, kids, finances etc. do you actually want to make this work or if you could get out of it would you? I think that is the question to ask yourself.

The thing is…if you continue in this (potentially abusive) relationship the people who will suffer the most will be your children. It is a very desperate situation to leave the house for 3 nights because you are so distressed, having been in a similar situation in a roundabout way, I can tell you the children do suffer when a parent does this. I’m not shaming you at all OP as it sounds like a desperately sad situation, especially losing your own dad so recently, but this has to be a one off for you to get your head in place and decide what it is you really want moving forward.

Be kind to yourself but also, if you want this relationship to end, please actively look at how you could do this so your children don’t have to go through months or even years of turmoil.

He is abusive. He is financially abusive if you don't have access to family money.
The silent treatment is another form of abuse. He's not a good dad if he's abusing the mother of his children.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice and tell your midwife and your perinatal mental health team.

@MummyJ36 yes I want to be with him. And I've been trying to make it work. But one person can't make the relationship between two people work on their own. And I'm tired of being miserable. If there were clear indications he was actually trying to communicate or cared or anything like that then I'd keep trying. But I'm just so sick of it now.
it'sjust really sad.
I wish more than anything he'd just turn around with some explanation and apology about the way he's been acting and some kind of steps he's going to take to sort it but I know that isn't going to happen. He hasn't contacted me at all. Apart from that one txt 24hrs in. He's just doing that thing where he ignores me completely if I'm upset

@Whataretheodds
I have access to my own money and also get the child benefit. I don't think I'm financially abused tbh. He pays the mortgage and all the bills.
I don't think he's abusive I just think he's frozen on my gradually. He wasn't like this to begin with. I think he's got stuff going on.. he always got a bit distant in the winter but its got worse over time. I know he had some traumatic experiences around this time when young. I'd be there for him if he'd let me but he doesn't acknowledge how he's being and he doesn't communicate just acts like I'm nuts.

His reaction is bizarre though isn't it? I'm not just being crazy?
I'm just thinking about my reaction if he'd left. I would've noticed very quickly and I would have tried to call him. I would have asked him why he had left and where he had gone...
I mean I've never left before in 11 years of us being together.
His reaction is so cold

I'd go back and ask for couples counselling. If he refuses then I'd start retraining (open University) and looking looking for work. Even work from home and bank the money.

I don't understand why you think he didn't notice.

Of course he noticed. He just thought you were being dramatic and was basically playing chicken with you. Then eventually he cracked in case you'd had an accident going to the corner shop so asked if you were safe.

Now he's checked you're alive he's stonewalling you again.

I know he's doing what he usually does and ignoring me until I just give up.

This is a really sad read. He knows exactly now to play you. He’s fully indulging himself in his power games and will get a real kick out of it when you meekly come home again and start acting normal, while he treats you with indifference or contempt. You

OP and anyone else who may benefit from this, if you are employed are your employers members of www.eida.org.uk/about-us

Employers Initiative on Domestic Violence

If so, they may be able to quickly and strategically support you with a plan and additional support.

Good Dads don’t abuse their children’s mum. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think he is abusive, the stone walling, the aggressive behaviour… it’s all there. He doesn’t get to act like this because of his past trauma and possible mental health. He either engages with services to help or you need to leave.

You say he’s been acting like this for a year. Why did you then decide to get pregnant again? That was always going to make any situation more stressful. Does he want the child?

Okay so from your posts we have:

• He is not affectionate towards you.
• He gaslights you when you try to talk to him about this (telling you you are imagining things / being silly IS gaslighting).
• He ignores you until you back down, you must always be the one to back down.
• You left the house, could have been dead for all he knew, and it took him 24 hours to make contact.
• He earns more money than you but does not share it with you despite the fact that you are married and share two, soon to be three children. What is he doing with his money if it's not going in the family pot?!

You feel:

• Miserable
• Like you are rowing the boat by yourself
• That your self esteem cannot take being treated like this constantly

Doesn't look great, does it? A good husband and father would look at this and be horrified and immediately take steps to work on improving the situation for the mother of his children. He's so good that he doesn't even want to look! This IS abuse.

Furthermore, if you think that your children haven't noticed their father stonewalling their mother every time there is an argument then you are lying to yourself. There will be an atmosphere and they will have picked up on it. You and your children deserve so much more than this.

I’m afraid to say you are blinkered. Until you realise what he is you can’t move forward. You are making excuses for him and I understand why but this is the wake up call you need. He doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about your welfare, is so stubborn and pig headed to the point where it causes mental unease. He doesn’t show affection, none of this is the stuff of a healthy and loving relationship. Your kids need to not be part of this dysfunctional and toxic set up.

Oh lovely, he is abusing you. I was in a very similar relationship, and I didn't realise it was abusive until I saw a therapist. I thought you had to have bruises to be abused. He is gaslighting you, ignoring your feelings and is unlikely to change.
I'm sorry, its tough. My relationship continued into verbal abuse (calling me mental, saying everyone knows I'm crazy and I should be locked up- all said in front of my children) and that's when I had to strength to sort everything out and separate.
It's hard but I no longer live walking on eggshells and feel so much more self esteem and worth. Xx

He is abusive. He is not a good dad. An abusive man is NEVER a good father.

Good dads do NOT abuse their mother. Period. He IS abusive. And an arsehole.

I am sorry you are going through this but if it's long term, you do need to accept what he is.

Your marriage is unequal. You have little income, the house is not in joint names, and you don't have a joint account.

That sounds like he controls you. So you can't run away.

Have you never thought all of this was unacceptable?

He's not affectionate but you managed to have sex with him and create a 3rd child. Why?

I'm sorry but your head is in the sand. Hoping he will change and give you what you want is not going to happen.

He gets off on being abusive.

Start making plans to leave. There is good advice here on how to.

I have access to my own money and also get the child benefit. I don't think I'm financially abused tbh

But you already posted that you can't support yourself and the kids on the money you earn.

And in all the time you have been married, you have never been a joint owner of the house. Or a joint account.

What does he say about the reasons for this?

I agree . You and the kids need to leave OP seek as much help and advice as you can.
He’s a controlling bully .

You can keep posting here for support

OP I could have written your post 18 years ago. I didn’t leave the house as I had to look after the dc but the rest was very similar. My husband would shout at me for something, then go into a sulk for several days. I had 2 dc and was pregnant, and had lived like this since I was on maternity with dc2 and he knew I was stuck.

I stayed. I was too scared of living on benefits or low wage. We lived in an expensive area and I would have to move elsewhere. The eldest was in a great school. I had no family support. He was amazing with the dc. So I stayed.

My youngest is now 17. My oldest has severe anxiety and the others are heading that way. They all have therapy.

I was staying until the youngest left school. Because I was too scared of how he would treat them if we split and they had to spend time with him. But the damage was being done whilst we stayed. He was never violent. But the emotional abuse, putting them and me down, eroding our confidence, gaslighting etc was constant. Nice husband/dad would buy an expensive treat or holiday, but always spoilt it somehow with a sulk or put down.

The financial abuse became worse when it became obvious that me working a minimum wage job didn’t make sense with 3 dc, school hours, dc activities etc. So then I felt even more stuck.

I’m now in the middle of a very messy divorce. He was ill in hospital and I spoke to a nurse after breaking down in front of her. She gave me Woman’s Aid number and a local support group number. I would be lying if I said it was easy but I already feel better than I have for years despite having little money.

If I could go back and protect my dc from the last 18 years I would. I would move area with young dc and start a new life there. They would settle in new schools and make new friends.

Coercive control and emotional and financial abuse are crimes now. Look them up and read all about them. You will probably recognise parts of the behaviour but think he’s not bad enough. Yet. If you stay you may recognise more bits of what you have read later on. I hope not, but you may and it will have stayed with you so you recognise it.

You have alot going on. I'm sorry about you dad that must have been really hard. Grief is emotionally exhausting and harrowing - and you're also going through that. You need extra kindness and love. This ideally should come from husband.

To not contract you for 24hr is unacceptable, stupid and stubborn.

Think about what you want, what you really want and work on that.

You will need to communicate and probably is best to go home if it's safe to do.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

I don't know if this will help. Recognising behaviour is tricky when in the suitation. That I do know. My abuser was my boss for 8 years. I did not recognise the behaviour. Luckily, you can walk away from work. I considered myself quite astute, and yet this happened with lots of witnesses who stood back and did nothing grateful it wasn't them. If this happens in a workplace, then what goes on at home must be harder to recognise when the person is someone you loved/ love. Please look up the women's aid.

Know that you are valued by your children and know your value. Good luck OP