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Original poster

Husband annoyed when baby boy plays with 'girls' stuff

178 replies

yorkmaam · 23/10/2023 09:32

My baby boy is 18 months and I have an older DD, 4.

DS really enjoys playing with the pram and with dolls and sometimes puts DD's bag over his shoulder or tries on her necklace.

My H is getting increasingly frustrated by this and I'm getting increasingly frustrated by H getting annoyed that my son is just doing normal stuff and playing.

Does anyone else have this problem with their H ? Most recently my mum has taken to it as well when she visits, she is ' concerned ' and keeps taking away the baby dolls and pram from my son. I think it's absolutely ridiculous.

Did anyone else face this kind of issue and how did you make your H and relatives understand that your son can play however and with whatever he likes ?!?

OP posts:
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5
AlfredaTheGrape · 23/10/2023 15:19

Oh boy you have a major problem with your husband here.

Everydayimhuffling · 23/10/2023 15:20

If that's his reasoning then he's doing exactly the opposite of what he is trying to do. He's making his son think that he cannot be a boy who likes pink or jewellery or whatever. If you want someone to be secure in their masculinity then making it fine to be any kind of boy you are would be much better. As evidenced by your DH's clear insecurity in himself.

Abouttimemum · 23/10/2023 15:21

My 4 year old DS is getting a doll and pushchair for Xmas - DH took him to the toy shop to get some ideas and that’s all he wanted to play with so it’s on the list! I mean, he might need to take care of his own baby one day so what harm is it going to do!

Such an old fashioned view.

Lamelie · 23/10/2023 15:21

nutbrownhare15 · 23/10/2023 09:41

With the pram and dolls I'd just ask them both to explain why it's wrong for him to pretend to be a dad, do they not want him to have kids? Maybe start with, oh do you don't want to be a grandparent/great grandparent then. With your mum is be really firm and say it's unacceptable and you wont tolerate it further. With your husband it might be worth a more gentle chat about what he is worried about, is it bullying, would he have a problem if his son wasn't stereotypically masculine, etc, what is the underlying fear he has, and whether playing with toys is really going to lead to what he fears, and also to explore his own childhood as I expect he was firmly told that 'girls' toys are off limits too. You could also explore why it would be ok for DD to play with 'boys toys' and what that says about gender inequality in society.

Or you could realise that you're not your husbands therapist or support human and tell him not to be such a Neanderthal twat.

Disturbia81 · 23/10/2023 15:24

yorkmaam · 23/10/2023 09:59

Yesterday he put on my DD's bag and my H looked so disgusted at him, as if he was doing something really wrong. It was horrible.

This is so depressing. This is why kids end up thinking they're in the wrong body. I let my boy put my jewellery and makeup on etc so he knows boys can do these things without "changing sex"

shushymcshush · 23/10/2023 15:24

I never liked dolls as a kid. I preferred lego.

Therefore by your husbands logic, I must be a lesbian builder🤔

Your child is going to be whatever they are going to be. You need to nip this in the bud as where will it stop? A lifetime of trying to conform to a parent's ideals is a terrible burden for a child and only creates barriers long term.

Startyabastard · 23/10/2023 15:28

My family have form for this. I'm happy I'm out the way.

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 15:31

yorkmaam · 23/10/2023 15:12

My H would not be cool with that at all. Sometimes DS finds an old dummy that's pink and he hates seeing him with it. I used some pink sleeping bags for DS and my H kept going on about that too. Not to take pics as DS will be confused.

He thinks that nowadays children are confused as it is as there are pressures to be gay/ bi/ male / female / whatever, that it's important we don't confuse him. If he decides that he sees himself as not a boy or that he is gay, that's fine. But we need to try not to confuse him that he's a girl as there's a lot of confusion for children around that right now anyway.

I'm not saying I agree, but that's his explanation.

I still think it's silly and unnecessary.

Show quote history

Sorry, he's not very clever is he?

There is NO pressure to be gay, bi, male, female.

There IS pressure to conform to stereotypes - "Only girls like pink. I you like pink, that means you are a girl."

Your DH is actually in the "pressure to conform" camp and is too dumb to see it.

He'd hate some of my male gay friends - DH and I between us have a number of gay friends. Some are what I suspect your DH thinks "normal gay men" are ie they can be a bit flamboyant, a little bit "girlie" or camp for want of a better word (and it's a terrible word). But many aren't. One of DH's oldest friends, who is gay, competes at a high level in motorcycle racing, and runs a very successful business manufacturing a product him and his dad designed and brought to market including building them themselves to start with.

Our gay friends do not (contrary to what your DH and others think) only drink brightly coloured cocktails but happily sit around the BBQ drinking the beer. And don't even get me started on their enthusiasm for the Rugby World Cup.

Your DH needs to educate himself.

Soubriquet · 23/10/2023 15:32

Yeah your husband is pathetic then really isn’t he

Blessedbethefruitz · 23/10/2023 15:32

I've literally just bought a baby doll for my ds4.5 because he was starting to play with his sister's (20 months) and this way they can play together. He was offered them as a toddler but was never interested at shops or nursery. My daughter also loves monster trucks and cars.

No one cares. Especially a younger brother is going to want to be like his big sister, to play with her, and her things. It's ridiculous that this attitude prevails, especially when it's not even the oldest child!!

Rocksonabeach · 23/10/2023 15:33

My ex was like this - if my son wanted pink wellies or whatever and he went bonkers. So did the court - he got bollocked in court for it.

My son wanted hair grips as his older sister had hair grips - fine so he got panda ones. Next thing o know every other boy at the nursery has hair clips as …. Has them and he’s really cool.

So men shouldn’t push prams or do washing up or help the child to learn to be independent or god forbid carry their stuff to school. And no man wears a chain or rings or earrings.

I would go completed OTT - get yourself some research on sexist stero types and start pushing back or else my line would be drawn in the sand as it’s deal breaker for me.

My n10 year old has more teddies than you can count - doesn’t like hair grips anymore but his favourite colour is a rainbow.

19847499fddqqedxx · 23/10/2023 15:34

Toxic masculinity and misogyny at its finest, that’s what this boils down to. Can’t believe your mother as well playing a part in this, you need to be firm and clear with both of them the world has moved on from this now and this attitude is ridiculous. Babies play with toys they know no different.

Myhusbandearns150k · 23/10/2023 15:34

Marblessolveeverything · 23/10/2023 09:43

Please have a very frank conversation about your outdated, sexist and damaging views. Honestly I could not respect a man who was that chauvinistic with a baby!

This!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 23/10/2023 15:36

My Dad was born in 1919. Th little girl next doll had a doll and pram which Dad was always taking. His parents bought him one with a doll called Betty in it. They were born in Victorian times, but were forward thinking.
Your husband and mother live in the 21st century but are behaving like stereotypical victorians!
My Dad was a wonderful father.
Both my boys had dolls and prams as their sisters. One still has his doll. He is nearly 30 and has a wife!!

pizzaHeart · 23/10/2023 15:39

Kucinghitam · 23/10/2023 09:50

Here's a useful flowchart for your husband and mother. Please get them to consult it if in doubt.

😂😂😂

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 15:40

You need to speak extremely sharply to your H and your mother.

Tell them flat out that you will not tolerate this neanderthal attitude, that your son will play with whatever takes his fancy, that they need to work on their issues and insecurities, and you will not permit them to take any of that out on your child.

Coyoacan · 23/10/2023 15:53

Prescottdanni123 · 23/10/2023 09:51

People who think that their sons will become transgender if they play with toys aimed at girls are more likely to give them a complex surrounding their gender by basically telling them that if you like 'girly' thinks it means that you must want to be a woman.

Tell your DH and mother not to be so bloody daft and that gender stereotyping of toys is absolutely ridiculous and the sooner shops and society stops doing it the better. And don't let them take toys off him because they are 'for girls'. That is going to confuse him 1000x more than playing with dolls ever will.

Edited

Susie Green, the ex-head of Mermaids transed her son because she had a husband like the OP's, as he found the idea of castrating his son more acceptable than letting a child play with whatever toys they want

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 15:54

@Silvers11

Yes indeed, my DS had an older sister and was very happy to be roped in to play games she organised. They played happily with her stuff and combined all the toys for imaginary games. DS is now a doctor, working happily in an environment with equally qualified women, in what he values as a caring profession.

Hickry · 23/10/2023 16:03

Urgh I'd have ZERO respect or attraction for a man with such outdated bigoted views.

You need to squash this asap before BOTH of your kids begin to soak in his toxic sexist views.

GooseClues · 23/10/2023 16:05

yorkmaam · 23/10/2023 15:12

My H would not be cool with that at all. Sometimes DS finds an old dummy that's pink and he hates seeing him with it. I used some pink sleeping bags for DS and my H kept going on about that too. Not to take pics as DS will be confused.

He thinks that nowadays children are confused as it is as there are pressures to be gay/ bi/ male / female / whatever, that it's important we don't confuse him. If he decides that he sees himself as not a boy or that he is gay, that's fine. But we need to try not to confuse him that he's a girl as there's a lot of confusion for children around that right now anyway.

I'm not saying I agree, but that's his explanation.

I still think it's silly and unnecessary.

Show quote history

Surely he’s much more likely to be confused and think he’s a girl if he likes pink and dolls, but his parents keep going on how these things are only for girls and he can’t have them unless he’s a girl ?! Your husband is not only weird but also very stupid.

PrinnyPree · 23/10/2023 16:06

I specifically bought my DS a doll and pram for his second birthday just so he had a range of toys, not just building and car toys, but role playing and dress up too. He is more drawn to his cars but he does still occasionally get his doll out and play being a Daddy. There is no such thing as girls and boys toys and I hate that boys pursuing more "feminine" play, clothes and toys are looked on by some with disgust whilst girls playing with more "masculine" toys, clothes and games are mostly encouraged.

If playing with boys toys, having mostly male friends, generally being a bit of a tomboy and having older male siblings made you gay I would definitely be very gay or trans. I am however neither, no matter how much I desperately wanted transformers and thundercats over Barbies growing up. Your husband needs to fucking get a grip and stop being a shitty abusive twat to your DS who is just playing and doesn't need all of this patriarchal feminine hating baggage. He won't catch the gays! (and quite frankly if he is LGBT+ he shouldn't grow up thinking that his Dad will be disgusted by him)

GameOverBoys · 23/10/2023 16:06

Even if a baby playing with a toy was an indication of their future sexuality, does he think he has any influence on that? forcing kids to conform to gender stereotypes never made anyone less gay so it would be pointless and potentially damaging.
Get your son any toys he wants and tell his dad to grow the fuck up and stop being such a homophobic irrational arsehole.

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 16:06

yorkmaam · 23/10/2023 11:52

He'll say it was my fault, that's for sure. Because I let him play with the pram and wear a necklace. 🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

So deep down (actually it's right there on the surface) he's got a bee in his bonnet about homosexuality.

This is toxic masculinity 'out and proud' - either that or he's completely lacking in self-awareness.

AlfredaTheGrape · 23/10/2023 16:11

I never liked dolls as a kid. I preferred lego.
Therefore by your husbands logic, I must be a lesbian builder 🤔

Likewise! And yet as it happens by 20 I had a boyfriend and a baby and chose to be a SAHM for some periods in life (but also at other times, a scientist).

MargotBamborough · 23/10/2023 16:12

YANBU, OP.

This sort of attitude is really damaging. So many stories about trans people who "knew they were transgender from a really young age" begin with adults telling them off for playing with the wrong kind of toys.

There are no girls' toys and boys' toys. There are just toys.