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Original poster

Husband annoyed when baby boy plays with 'girls' stuff

178 replies

yorkmaam · 23/10/2023 09:32

My baby boy is 18 months and I have an older DD, 4.

DS really enjoys playing with the pram and with dolls and sometimes puts DD's bag over his shoulder or tries on her necklace.

My H is getting increasingly frustrated by this and I'm getting increasingly frustrated by H getting annoyed that my son is just doing normal stuff and playing.

Does anyone else have this problem with their H ? Most recently my mum has taken to it as well when she visits, she is ' concerned ' and keeps taking away the baby dolls and pram from my son. I think it's absolutely ridiculous.

Did anyone else face this kind of issue and how did you make your H and relatives understand that your son can play however and with whatever he likes ?!?

OP posts:
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5
Foxblue · 23/10/2023 11:03

As much as this makes me absolutely furious, I would take the opportunity to try and get then to realise how ridiculous they are being.

'I don't like him playing with the dolls'
'Why'
'It's not right for a lad to be playing with dolls'
'Why'
'Cos that's for girls'
'Says who'
'Well that's just what girls do'
'What's wrong with doing things girls do'
'Its just weird'
'BUt why, what do think will happen if he plays with them, it's very normal for kids to play with all toys'
'Not in my day'
'That was 20 years ago, but even so, it's not harming him is it, so why would it be a problem'
'He'll get bullied'
'He could get bullied over the fact he needs glasses/is ginger/his last name, no need to stop him doing something he likes, and if you stop him you'll need to say why, and that will make him feel horrible about himself'
Etc etc... keep asking why. Why is that a problem? Why do you think that?
If he goes into the 'it's not manly' 'It's gay' direction then its easier 'do you think playing with dolls will make him attracted to men' (use very explicit language)

Linning · 23/10/2023 11:03

I would honestly reconsider my entire relationship if the person I am with thought pram pushing and looking after a baby is a girl thing/women’s job.

Same with your mother, tell her she is not to remove certain toys from the play area and if she can’t stop herself from pushing her (sexist) bias onto your DS she might need to see the time she spends with him reduced.

Honestly I find it shocking that people still have such archaic views. And I would want to know what exactly they are scared of and what exactly they think stopping him from playing with dolls or pram is going to save him from?

One of my brother loved dolls and played with them a lot more than me and surprise, surprise he is not gay (not that it should ever matter), but also never got flustered when I needed him to do me a favor to go grab a pack of tampons at the store growing up or when he has to hold a baby and do things around the house that sexist men would think feminine. He is definitely 100% husband and father material and I really think it’s because he was never taught that there are things his penis impend him from doing, like god forbid, pushing a pram or cleaning the house.

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 11:10

Yeah, I have to say that I would be seriously reconsidering my entire relationship in this situation on the basis that this demonstrates a deep seated misogyny that I could not live with. I'm not saying, LTB right now, but I am saying you should take a long hard look at your relationship and work out if this is something you want.

Just so you know, it will get worse:

As your DC grow up, someone with this level of gender stereotyped and inbuilt misogyny will most likely do lots of other things you will find unpleasant. Things like: Policing DD's clothes, refusing to allow her similar levels of independence as your DS is allowed, insisting that DS plays particular sports/does not play particular sports, supporting ideas that DD does "girl" chores and DS does "boy chores" (spoiler - boys chores might be messier and physically harder, but they're almost always less frequent, and appreciated more).....

the list is endless.

I agree with a poster above - ask the "why" question a lot. Laugh at some of the answers.

And if things don't improve, again, I'd question the whole relationship.

MammaTill2Pojkar · 23/10/2023 11:11

I specifically bought my eldest son a baby doll and push chair to help prepare him when I was pregnant with my youngest and so he could maybe play with them and copy me when youngest was born. I also intentionally buy them 'girls' clothes, pink stuff, stuff with hearts and butterflies on etc. alongside 'boys' clothes, why is pink/purple/hearts/butterflies only for girls? He loves hearts! His favourite Paw Patrol pup is Skye.

They will grow up however they grow up, I just hope they don't get bullied by children who've been taught poorly by their parents.

nodogz · 23/10/2023 11:13

Hopefully, your husband can get over this. You know it's not cool. (Your mum, may not ever change sadly).

I remember a family holiday when all my in laws were really taken aback that I'd painted my 3 year old sons toenails (I was doing mine, he asked if he could have some). Total overreaction! He's 10 now and I still paint them for holidays!

The most coveted toy at any nursery or playgroup is the doll buggy. It's small world play.

Mskdgd · 23/10/2023 11:13

My son used to make a beeline for the toy pram at a playgroup. He'd fling the doll or teddy out and then charge round. It was the wheels and speed he was drawn to. He also liked the toy kitchen so I bought him one for home. I asked what he liked about it and he said "danger".

ElaineMBenes · 23/10/2023 11:16

Your husband needs to get a grip.

He's either misogynistic and feels that raising children is women's work or he's homophobic.

Neither is a good look tbh

Cyclistmumgrandma · 23/10/2023 11:19

I have 2 sons, no daughters. When they were small they had 2 baby dolls, boy and girl, both anatomically correct. They also had a doll's pushchair and had a lot of fun playing with them. They saw their father looking after them so wanted to play out the same scenarios. They are both lovely nurturing men as adults and fathers. Neither is gay (not that it would be a problem if they were).

gannett · 23/10/2023 11:19

Amicompletelyinsane · 23/10/2023 09:34

I got told my 2 year old would be gay benday he was pushing a dolls pram.i asked the person if they pushed their child in a pram. I feel for you. I don't get it. Why can't a boy roll play what they see in real life! It's madness

An even better question would be "so what if he is gay?" Why would a boy growing up to be gay be such a worry? Get the "concerned" person asking to reveal how homophobic they are.

OP - you need to nip this one firmly in the bud. Your husband is demonstrating some deep-rooted homophobia and/or misogyny. Those are not values you want your children to be brought up around and he needs to sort himself out. It won't be enough to just point out the blindingly obvious fact that playing with dolls won't make your son gay; you need him to be absolutely OK with the possibility that your son is gay.

A large proportion of gay men I know have little to no relationship with their fathers as adults, because their fathers held views like this and made their sons' childhoods hell. They have little to no relationship with any mothers who excused those attitudes, either.

Mumtime2 · 23/10/2023 11:20

Paint his finger nails
Be pleased hos childs interested, happy and healthy.
Pathetic..so pathetic

gannett · 23/10/2023 11:22

Mskdgd · 23/10/2023 11:13

My son used to make a beeline for the toy pram at a playgroup. He'd fling the doll or teddy out and then charge round. It was the wheels and speed he was drawn to. He also liked the toy kitchen so I bought him one for home. I asked what he liked about it and he said "danger".

This is very funny. I think if a lot of the top chefs who specialise in open fire grills etc were honest about what drew them to their job, it'd be the danger.

nodogz · 23/10/2023 11:22

I also edited all my sons Thomas books as they were really rude about the girl engines (bossy, gossipy).

My son is turning into a a sporty, popular boy and I can see my influence will diminish with his peer group. But, I have taught him about the unseen influences in society (capitalism, racism, classism, misogyny etc) and how they harm everyone not just who they are directed at so he should be aware of them.

As I get older (and less "attractive") I'm reminded that some people see women as objects first and not people. I will make sure my son does not become one of them.

PinkRoses1245 · 23/10/2023 11:23

That's appalling, I'd be furious. Toys are toys. Bags are bags. I'd be having incredibly stern words with them.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 23/10/2023 11:28

Does anyone else have this problem with their H ?

No, because I'm not married to a sexist and probably homophobic twat.

amusedbush · 23/10/2023 11:28

What a dick.

Maybe if your husband had spent some time playing with baby dolls and prams he would have grown up to be a good father, rather than a toxic homophobe.

MuggleMe · 23/10/2023 11:32

Show him this. What a terrible role model.

Husband annoyed when baby boy plays with 'girls' stuff
Bleepbloopbluurp · 23/10/2023 11:34

Oh FFS. The boy is 18 months old and spends most of his time with his mother (or else is in daycare and spending his time with other women). So what does he want to play? Taking care of children which is what the people he sees a lot (and probably likes the most) spend time doing. It's sweet and lovely. It's a sign he is an observant engaged human.

I would not be at all happy with a husband who thought that was a bad thing.

Original poster
yorkmaam · 23/10/2023 11:35

He's always accusing me of not having enough boy toys and boy stuff around and focusing only on girl stuff for my DD. It's not on purpose but DD has been around longer so she just has more toys and also she's super girly. She loves everything pink and is into everything princess and sparkly fairies and unicorns etc. she's just really into pink stuff and he says it's because I've fostered it but I'm not fostering the same boy stuff for my son. He's only 18 months old. He's also angry that I painted his room a neutral colour, rather than blue. Whereas DD's room is a girly colour.

I didn't really even think about it. DS was slightly too young to have any say in the colour of his nursery, whereas DD was already 3 when I painted her room and decorated it, so I went towards the stuff she likes. It's becoming an issue a lot now that he thinks I'm not fostering boy stuff as much.

OP posts:
Footprintsinthesand · 23/10/2023 11:35

This is so sad. I have a 4 year old DS who still loves to play with dolls. In fact I need to get DD (18 months) her own doll's pram for christmas because I'm fed up of the arguments over our only pram!

I would far rather my son played with the toys that will turn him into a kind, nurturing man. I don't want a "macho" idiot for a son.

I'd tell them both straight. Get this sorted now before his Dad stamps on his confidence as he grows up.

kiddosbedtimealready · 23/10/2023 11:38

I'm a dad, my sons have and do play with old toys that belonged to their older sister (and were gendered as girls toys). Never bothered me. Had a friend who was like your husband OP. Did not like it at all if his son put on a plastic tiara from the dress up box at my house (and would tell him off). Used to laugh that off as old school as younger parents. It became less comfortable when it progressed to my friend disciplining his sons for doing "unmanly" things. This sort of behaviour is normally about reinforcing sexist ideas of what it is to be a boy, a girl, a man or a women, and is informed by deeper held sexist beliefs. For example, discouraging sons from play kitchens, or dress up as nurses, while encouraging the opposite with say, dress up as police or doctors. I would talk to DP about it, and ask why it bothers him so much.

Sunshineclouds11 · 23/10/2023 11:38

My near 5 year old has loved his little pram and baby doll since being 1!
Still plays with them now.
He's due a sibling next year and I think the last few year will have gained him some experience to be gentle etc 😅💙

TinChristmas · 23/10/2023 11:38

I’d think he was my brother…. Boys were blue and girls were pink and they learnt that picking those things for a positive reaction from their parents which enforced in their heads to only get sparkly pink and blue…..

Genuine question @yorkmaam did he change your kids/parent the babies/push the pram or is he set on male/female roles in your parenting?

Mskdgd · 23/10/2023 11:40

As a kid I also loved playing with my boy cousins cars and Meccano. I'm not remotely car or engineering minded as an adult

Treaclewell · 23/10/2023 11:41

He doesn't even do boy things like decorating, I note. What does he do?

Redberrie · 23/10/2023 11:42

Yeah, don't let your son push a doll around in a pram or he could grow up to be, you know, a dad 🙄