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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed about stag do incase of miscarriage

112 replies

Tsmummy23 · 23/10/2023 09:07

AIBU - my husband and I have just found out we’re pregnant and the due date is 4 days before a stag do he is meant to attend Abroad (nothing is booked yet)
however he mentioned He might book the flights just in case, I took this immediately as he might book the flights on the chance that if we miscarry then he can still go! (We miscarried 3 months ago) This really upset me that he would want to book flights just in case he can then go!
surely I’m not over-reacting?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 23/10/2023 09:08

I would say he is booking them because he thinks he maybe able to go with a newborn not the miscarriage

still wrong and still no way he can go

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2023 09:11

You needed to ask him just in case what?

Shoxfordian · 23/10/2023 09:11

Is he usually that thoughtless?

StaySpicy · 23/10/2023 09:13

I would say he meant in case the baby has arrived by then. I'm sure he's not wishing any harm and I'm sure your don't really believe that. You're just in that mc grief/pregnant and now scared of a recurrence bit. It's scary but try to focus on the positive.

i'm sorry about your miscarriage - it sucks, doesn't it? Wishing you a sticky bean. Flowers

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/10/2023 09:16

Even if this pregnancy goes completely smoothly, he is unreasonable to think he can go on a stag when you have a newborn! Maybe if it was one evening in the same country but not an abroad trip. My DH wouldn’t even contemplate this.

TheUsualChaos · 23/10/2023 09:17

He's booking because he's hedging his bets either way. If you miscarry then he thinks he can go. If you have the baby, and fingers crossed for you btw, he will be saying well the flights are all booked now, I can't back out now etc, etc. You to talk to him and ask why he thinks this is ok?

(Also, sorry but it's "I'm pregnant' not "we're" 🫣)

ShirleyPhallus · 23/10/2023 09:18

This confusion would be really easily solved if you asked him to clarify: did he mean “just in case” you miscarried or “just in case” the due date changed post scan and he could go.

(although I’d be saying absolutely no travelling abroad a few weeks out from due date)

PastTheGin · 23/10/2023 09:19

It doesn’t really matter what he was thinking, either way he is an arse! Is he always this selfish?

Original poster
Tsmummy23 · 23/10/2023 09:20

Hi all thanks for your replies. I’m sure it was meant about booking it in case of a miscarriage as he then said he would wait till our 8 week
scan before he booked anything - and he could see from my reaction that this was not what I wanted to hear then immediately said he wouldn’t book them! But it just really upset me the fact that he was thinking about booking them as a back up just in case, even if he has now said he won’t!

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 23/10/2023 09:22

Yanbu I think he should have had a the sense to know that wouldn't go down well and kept that line of thinking to himself! Hope all goes well for you OP

BrutusMcDogface · 23/10/2023 09:22

You aren’t both pregnant, it’s just you.

also, he’s an arse to be honest. My dp went on a stag do when our second was a few days old but it was in the uk, he only went for one night, and he also waited until the last minute when all was ok, to book.

junbean · 23/10/2023 09:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

PixiePirate · 23/10/2023 09:23

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a rough time over the last few months.

I read it the other way, as said by pp - sounds to me like he’s booking in case the baby has already arrived, thinking he’ll be able to go.

Either way, it’s wholly inappropriate imo and he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities. My advice would be to set your boundaries from the outset - you can’t make a grown adult do or not do something but you can be very clear about your personal standards and expectations, and choose to stand by them.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 23/10/2023 09:25

I think you're right in your assumption- that probably is his line of thought.

Laurdo · 23/10/2023 09:25

TheUsualChaos · 23/10/2023 09:17

He's booking because he's hedging his bets either way. If you miscarry then he thinks he can go. If you have the baby, and fingers crossed for you btw, he will be saying well the flights are all booked now, I can't back out now etc, etc. You to talk to him and ask why he thinks this is ok?

(Also, sorry but it's "I'm pregnant' not "we're" 🫣)

Especially in this case since he does seem to think the pregnancy should get in the way of him doing as he pleases.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 23/10/2023 09:25

Your hormones are all over the place at the moment so try not to think he means the worse. He's probably wishing for a health baby that arrives at 38 weeks and that your then be happy for him to fo away as your be fine with a sleeping baby who is in a Brilliant routine, realistically your wonderful baby will be late and your hormones will be like every other new mum crazy and you won't want him to go. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Laurdo · 23/10/2023 09:27

Tsmummy23 · 23/10/2023 09:20

Hi all thanks for your replies. I’m sure it was meant about booking it in case of a miscarriage as he then said he would wait till our 8 week
scan before he booked anything - and he could see from my reaction that this was not what I wanted to hear then immediately said he wouldn’t book them! But it just really upset me the fact that he was thinking about booking them as a back up just in case, even if he has now said he won’t!

It think what he's said is just awful. Like his attitude would be "oh well, at least I can go on that stag do now". I would be extremely hurt in your position too.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2023 09:27

YANBU. He’s more focused on going and getting pissed with his mates than the prospect of being a father. Deeply immature and insensitive.

TheUsualChaos · 23/10/2023 09:30

Whatever he's thinking it's not ok really is it, as if you did miscarry then would you be wanting to try again when you can? Therefore potentially in same situation when he's due to go away? When the future is so uncertain atm, you don't go booking stag dos abroad. You are a partnership and if he's serious about starting a family with you, part of that is accepting some other things have to give for a while. If you were already a few months pregnant and all going smoothly then yes going away a few days fine but to knowingly book something that is likely to be terrible timing is selfish and immature.

I hope he is fully on the same page as you are about having a family. I think he needs to think about where his priorities are.

BigPussyEnergy · 23/10/2023 09:31

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 23/10/2023 09:25

Your hormones are all over the place at the moment so try not to think he means the worse. He's probably wishing for a health baby that arrives at 38 weeks and that your then be happy for him to fo away as your be fine with a sleeping baby who is in a Brilliant routine, realistically your wonderful baby will be late and your hormones will be like every other new mum crazy and you won't want him to go. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Please don’t dismiss women’s valid feelings as being due to “hormones being all over the place. “. It’s that kind of (internalised?) misogyny that men use to invalidate very real concerns we may have.

OP it was insensitive and thoughtless of him either way. Either he’s thinking you’ll miscarry and then he’ll be annoyed he didn’t book it, or he’s hoping once it’s booked you won’t feel able to ask him not to go with a newborn baby either here already or just around the corner.

Yes it’s annoying for him to miss his mate’s stag do for a child who he doesn’t even know yet, but if he’s on board with you getting pregnant he needs to understand what that means in reality. He sounds a bit selfish to me.

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/10/2023 09:38

He's a prat either way. Is there any uncertainty around your due date? As in he thinks might get a proper due date at 8 week scan. Still not excusing he shouldn't be booking to go anywhere. I'd ask him straight what he meant

pontipinemum · 23/10/2023 09:43

I would be really upset by this. I had 3 MCs so I am maybe a little sensitive. But why would he even be thinking he would have he flight booked 'just in case' he should be assuming that everything will go to plan and that he will be 4 days into fatherhood.

I think I would tell him tonight just how much it upset me. Let him really know (not shouting etc but make sure he knows). Then I would never mention it again. It is a memory I wouldn't like to mull over through my pregnancy. If you force the memory out of your mind every time it creeps in it will become vague. Works for me anyway

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:43

Hmm. It was definitely insensitive to say it to you, but I have to say, as someone who has also miscarried, I would probably be thinking the same way. I would never consider a pregnancy as a long-term thing until I'd got past 12 weeks. So he might be similar, and his practical brain just kicked in without him really thinking before he spoke.

Spinet · 23/10/2023 09:47

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that he was so upset by the last miscarriage that he is assuming the worst this time to protect himself. He was clumsy and I understand why you're really hurt. You need to tell him so, but I wouldn't assume he's just a heartless dick until you've talked about it a bit more. Good luck with the pregnancy.

bathrobeandpie · 23/10/2023 09:48

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:43

Hmm. It was definitely insensitive to say it to you, but I have to say, as someone who has also miscarried, I would probably be thinking the same way. I would never consider a pregnancy as a long-term thing until I'd got past 12 weeks. So he might be similar, and his practical brain just kicked in without him really thinking before he spoke.

That's just you!

I can't think of anyone who doesn't think of their baby as an actual baby, long before the 12 weeks scan. It's not being practical, it's being strangely cold and detached from it.

And I say as someone who like most women has experienced baby loss.