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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed about stag do incase of miscarriage

112 replies

Tsmummy23 · 23/10/2023 09:07

AIBU - my husband and I have just found out we’re pregnant and the due date is 4 days before a stag do he is meant to attend Abroad (nothing is booked yet)
however he mentioned He might book the flights just in case, I took this immediately as he might book the flights on the chance that if we miscarry then he can still go! (We miscarried 3 months ago) This really upset me that he would want to book flights just in case he can then go!
surely I’m not over-reacting?

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 23/10/2023 11:25

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:54

@bathrobeandpie I said I didn't think of it in the long-term, not that I didn't think of it as a baby. I was absolutely devastated when I lost my baby. Bereft. But it taught me that early pregnancy is a fragile thing, and meant that I didn't personally feel comfortable making long term plans until the 12 week scan. It is probably a trauma reaction. And what I'm suggesting is that perhaps OP's DP has had a similar reaction and spoke out unthinkingly.

But thanks for telling me that I'm cold and detached. Hmm

I remember you on the pregnancy loss boards, @peachgreen , and you are most definitely not cold and detached.

I had a miscarriage, then my baby, then a stillbirth, then another miscarriage, and I really was only able to stay sane by not thinking of them as "actual babies" until I'd got to a 12 week scan. That's not how everyone copes but it is how a lot of us cope. It doesn't mean I was chugging lager and smoking heroin, I just wasn't going to make all of my plans on the basis that the pregnancy was going to go the distance.

TwigletAddict10 · 23/10/2023 11:28

Having gone through miscarriages there is no way I would be happy to be left on my own around the due date of a lost pregnancy so it makes no difference really.

He has been completely thoughtless but maybe this is some psychological defence he has put up after the miscarriage.

He has to open up and talk to you about it though. That was absolutely critical for me and DH when we were going through it and for navigating our fears during our successful pregnancy. It didn't come easy to him but he knew closing off from me would have damaged our relationship.

Maybe he is just really inconsiderate but you need to sit down and talk about how you are both feeling and any expectations you have for how the other is expected to talk about and behave during the pregnancy.

If he won't open up then alarm bells should be ringing. Hopefully you just need to open up to each other.

Best of luck with the pregnancy ✨

Sugargliderwombat · 23/10/2023 11:40

I think he probably just wants to go and thought he'd book them in case he could wrangle going. A bit of a knob but I'd bet it was more "incase I'm allowed".

hwaclanhdead · 23/10/2023 11:45

He's a bit of a knob really - whichever way was meant.
He shouldn't be planning to go on a stag do 4 days after your due date. Does he think he can fuck off leaving you with a newborn?
Also I think it's really awful to book them because you might have a miscarriage. Horrible.

Olika · 23/10/2023 11:49

So he is leaving you with a newborn baby to attend a stag do?

Maray1967 · 23/10/2023 11:54

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:43

Hmm. It was definitely insensitive to say it to you, but I have to say, as someone who has also miscarried, I would probably be thinking the same way. I would never consider a pregnancy as a long-term thing until I'd got past 12 weeks. So he might be similar, and his practical brain just kicked in without him really thinking before he spoke.

This was me as well. Even after my first mc I was very wary of planning/thinking ahead. Others have a different approach, but mine served me well and got be through two more.

He put his foot in his mouth though- I’d explain that to him and that you’d rather not hear that if you mc again, which I very much hope you don’t, he gets to go off on a stag do and have fun.

Redmat · 23/10/2023 11:56

It might be an " I'm not going to hope too much "reaction so I'll just plan as normal. Or even an," if I plan something it will make that baby stick because it knows I'm not that worried about it sticking"
I think I've explained that terribly but a protective shield around himself.

Ketzele · 23/10/2023 11:57

It's not very often that I defend men on here (or anywhere) but I think you could give him some slack on this one. I remember pregnancy after miscarriage feeling very conditional, and being very reluctant to invest in any baby stuff before birth. I bought the smallest pack of nappies, and ran out of sanitary pads before I was even discharged from hospital.

But I think you should tell him how you're feeling, so he can be more thoughtful next time he opens his mouth.

autiebooklover · 23/10/2023 11:57

What a dick. So if you miscarriage- bonus stag do. I'd by pretty annoy at his lack of tact and empathy.

GunboatDiplomacy · 23/10/2023 12:06

bathrobeandpie · 23/10/2023 09:48

That's just you!

I can't think of anyone who doesn't think of their baby as an actual baby, long before the 12 weeks scan. It's not being practical, it's being strangely cold and detached from it.

And I say as someone who like most women has experienced baby loss.

Show quote history

I'd say that a lot of women who've had an early miscarriage have learned the hard way not to assume that they'll be having a baby until after a successful 12 week scan, and to make all their plans for the coming year on a maybe/maybe not basis in the 2 months after a positive test.

Doesn't make them "cold", they're just protecting themselves emotionally and practically.

Canisaysomething · 23/10/2023 12:06

I would take to mean “just in case” as just in case he is a totally useless father and partner and is surplus to requirements and you wouldn’t even notice if he was gone.

Fundays12 · 23/10/2023 12:16

He is most likely thinking the baby will be born by then or late rather than miscarriage. Honestly tell him under no circumstances is he leaving you with a newborn or heavily pregnant and potentially going into labour and him missing the birth of his child to go party. You need to set the precedent now before your baby is born that he will be taking responsibility, he will be supporting you and he will be helping care for his baby. If you don't you may well end up with a baby and manchild.

JumalanTerve · 23/10/2023 12:20

Is there a language barrier or something? Can't you ask him what he meant? If he meant miscarriage that's incredibly thoughtless, if he meant he'll go on a stag when his child is 4 days old he's in for a rude awakening!

Fionaville · 23/10/2023 12:22

He's obviously not meant to sound so callous. He's probably as worried as you that you may miscarry again. He might even be attempting to protect himself from the hurt. By thinking of miscarriage as a potential. But his mistake has been to say it out loud, instead of just musing it over in his head. I'd cut him some slack.
Good luck with the pregnancy 💐

Pr1mr0se · 23/10/2023 12:24

Babies don't always arrive on their due days. However I think his priorities are all wrong. You are not being unreasonable, your partner should be providing more support not swanning off abroad for a piss-up.

JFT · 23/10/2023 12:25

Tsmummy23 · 23/10/2023 09:20

Hi all thanks for your replies. I’m sure it was meant about booking it in case of a miscarriage as he then said he would wait till our 8 week
scan before he booked anything - and he could see from my reaction that this was not what I wanted to hear then immediately said he wouldn’t book them! But it just really upset me the fact that he was thinking about booking them as a back up just in case, even if he has now said he won’t!

Wow he's very insensitive. I guess to be generous maybe he's a very practical pragmatic person and possibly on the spectrum?

Otherwise, I'd be wondering... does he show signs of empathy usually? Does he communicate in a way that helps you feel valued and understood and do you understand him?

I guess if he is very close to his friend whose stag do it is then he's being very logical - if there's no baby then I'm clear to go. However, I would have hoped he'd be saying 'no' as this is the time frame our baby is coming. It's not exactly an act of faith and commitment to the idea of your baby, that's what worries me.

HoppingPavlova · 23/10/2023 12:25

my husband and I have just found out we’re pregnant

Unless there has been a biological miracle, then this is impossible. You are pregnant, he is not, unless a trans man who is actually pregnant as well as yourself? Also, very unfortunately, and I’m sorry that happened, you miscarried, he did not.

Timeforchangeithink · 23/10/2023 12:29

It was just a thoughtless comment surely more in the line of the baby will be born by then?

Appleass · 23/10/2023 12:34

Sorry just need to say you are pregnant not both of you !

RampantIvy · 23/10/2023 12:37

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Booking a stag trip four days after your due date is completely thoughtless. First babies aren't usually on time. You could actually be in labour then. He needs to forget about going away on this occasion.

daftyduck · 23/10/2023 12:38

Firstly....You're pregnant not him.......There is no 'we' in a pregnancy.
Secondly.... He is a complete thoughtless and selfish dick......
Thirdly.... You must look after yourself and your unborn baby.
Good luck
DD

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 12:40

Wow that's really not impressive. Sad

babetyouknow · 23/10/2023 12:41

bathrobeandpie · 23/10/2023 09:48

That's just you!

I can't think of anyone who doesn't think of their baby as an actual baby, long before the 12 weeks scan. It's not being practical, it's being strangely cold and detached from it.

And I say as someone who like most women has experienced baby loss.

Show quote history

That's a fucking horrible thing to say. I'm not cold and detached, I'm a realist that knows that a embryo is at best a potential baby but not in any sense an actual baby.

If you'd had a termination and 6 miscarriages, you'd know that too. Don't be a tit.

Ohdearanotheryear · 23/10/2023 12:42

It sounds like one of you is pregnant and he hasn't realised he is pregnant too. Maybe not sunk in yet?

Ask him what he means by what he says. Could be any of the various options given or something else? Only he knows.

Isitautumnyet23 · 23/10/2023 12:42

He should not even be entertaining the thought of a stag do abroad near the due date, after the due date or anytime in the final trimester to be honest. You have been through a horrible experience and you need his support. Tell him have some drinks with his friends in the UK and not anytime near the due date.

Just to add, I really hate saying ‘we’re pregnant’. It takes away all the hard work and pain you go through. You are the only one pregnant in your relationship and he needs to grow up and forget about being abroad near the time his baby is due.