Page 4 | AIBU to be annoyed about stag do incase of miscarriage

Tsmummy23 · 2023-10-23T08:07:10+00:00

AIBU - my husband and I have just found out we’re pregnant and the due date is 4 days before a stag do he is meant to attend Abroad (nothing is booked yet) however he mentioned He might book the flights just in case, I took this immediately as he might book the flights on the chance that if we miscarry then he can still go! (We miscarried 3 months ago) This really upset me that he would want to book flights just in case he can then go! surely I’m not over-reacting?

babetyouknow · 23/10/2023 12:42

Ohdearanotheryear · 23/10/2023 12:42

It sounds like one of you is pregnant and he hasn't realised he is pregnant too. Maybe not sunk in yet?

Ask him what he means by what he says. Could be any of the various options given or something else? Only he knows.

He hasnt realised it as he is not pregnant too. Men are never pregnant. Why do some women try and pretend that they are?

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 12:44

It was just a thoughtless comment surely more in the line of the baby will be born by then?

And? OP would have a days old baby and he'd be thinking he could go away. I don't think that's what he meant, I think OP is right in what he meant, but either way, neither explanation is good.

Also, very unfortunately, and I’m sorry that happened, you miscarried, he did not.

That was presumably his baby too.

Men can be a bit hopeless when it comes to miscarriage.

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 12:45

I don't know why some people are mocking the OP who's just heard something like this.

WonderingWanda · 23/10/2023 12:48

I can see why this has upset you a bit. He should be assuming this pregnancy will go ahead with no problems and shouldn't really be planning a stag do so close to the due date. That said, after my first mc when I was pregnant with my first dc I carried on as if I wasn't actually pregnant till I was about 8 months. I was so convinced it wasn't going to work out and I couldn't seem to allow myself to get my hopes up. I would imagine your dh has had some feelings about the mc too and is probably trying to deal with them. I wouldn't be too mad with him, this might just be his way of kind of getting on with things until you know for sure. I doubt it's meant as inconsiderately as you are feeling it.

Starsnspikes · 23/10/2023 13:15

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:43

Hmm. It was definitely insensitive to say it to you, but I have to say, as someone who has also miscarried, I would probably be thinking the same way. I would never consider a pregnancy as a long-term thing until I'd got past 12 weeks. So he might be similar, and his practical brain just kicked in without him really thinking before he spoke.

I agree with this, I think the same way. I'm in early pregnancy right now and I've got tentative plans next year that may or may not go ahead depending on whether the pregnancy works out. I intend to sign up for a sporting event in May (deadline is December before I'll be 12 weeks) because it's hard to get into and I love doing it, and if I find myself not pregnant when it comes around I'd really like to do it (and it'd kind of be a consolation I guess?).

That's not to say that I'm not desperate for this pregnancy to work out. I hope I end up with a baby instead! But when I'm pregnant I tend to be very pragmatic about it, probably to protect myself. I'm just offering this as another perspective because your husband might think in a similar way.

babetyouknow · 23/10/2023 13:20

WonderingWanda · 23/10/2023 12:48

I can see why this has upset you a bit. He should be assuming this pregnancy will go ahead with no problems and shouldn't really be planning a stag do so close to the due date. That said, after my first mc when I was pregnant with my first dc I carried on as if I wasn't actually pregnant till I was about 8 months. I was so convinced it wasn't going to work out and I couldn't seem to allow myself to get my hopes up. I would imagine your dh has had some feelings about the mc too and is probably trying to deal with them. I wouldn't be too mad with him, this might just be his way of kind of getting on with things until you know for sure. I doubt it's meant as inconsiderately as you are feeling it.

There's no reason why he should assume it will go ahead with no problems. why would he, or anyone, assume that?

GrimDamnFanjo · 23/10/2023 13:38

Either he'll miss the birth entirely or he'll swan off leaving you literally holding the baby.
In what world is it ok to book a jolly so close to a due date?
Id be having a serious conversation about family life OP

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 13:54

I agree with this, I think the same way. I'm in early pregnancy right now and I've got tentative plans next year that may or may not go ahead depending on whether the pregnancy works out.

I think there's a difference between assuming it'll go ahead with no problems, and considering booking flights 'just in case.' That was a step beyond. Having yourself booked in a sporting event doesn't quite have the same vibe as a stag do to me. 'Woopy do, she miscarried, I can go off with the lads after all.'

But I can see that some people (though it's superstitious) might think it'll somehow 'jinx' it if you assume all will be ok and cancel other plans (they probably assumed it would all pan out the first time round before they had a MC- most people do if they haven't experienced it.)

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 23/10/2023 14:22

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:43

Hmm. It was definitely insensitive to say it to you, but I have to say, as someone who has also miscarried, I would probably be thinking the same way. I would never consider a pregnancy as a long-term thing until I'd got past 12 weeks. So he might be similar, and his practical brain just kicked in without him really thinking before he spoke.

@bathrobeandpie I actually agree with @peachgreen and find it a bit unkind to suggest it's strangely cold or detached. I accept it isn't the way lots of people would approach it but as someone who lost 3 babies, I never planned life around a baby arriving because the disappointment and heartbreak felt so much worse if it meant changing plans etc. Silly things like we ordered matching family pjs for Xmas and I refused to get the maternity ones and insisted on the size 8 despite knowing they wouldn't fit if the pregnancy progressed. I booked things I knew I wouldn't be able to do because if it went wrong again, I NEEDED normality and something to look forward to, a silver lining if you will, to take the edge off the hurt.
So if he did mean incase you miscarry, I do understand where he is coming from as I'd have reacted the same. But I'm sorry it hurt you. I accept everyone copes differently but it doesn't mean he needs to be vilified for it.

OooohAhhhh · 23/10/2023 14:36

Selfish male behaviour. If everything goes ok for you (really hope it does btw) then he should not be going away 4 days before your due date. I wouldn't allow my partner to do that, and I don't think he would do it anyway. Even if you haven't already had the baby by then the due date is imminent & can come anytime, not to mention your hormones being all over the place, needing help with doing things & what if you took a fall or something at home alone? Does he want to miss the birth?
Lots of negatives here as to why he shouldn't do it, can't believe he's even thinking about it.

Cornflakes44 · 23/10/2023 16:03

This is exactly the sort of thing my husband would say, it would be mindless and not meant with any malice. It was a bit like me thinking I won't buy maternity clothes or tell me until a certain point in case something happens. Which I did think sometimes. But if my husband did say that I'd be pissed off. It is thoughtless. And I'd be more pissed off if he bought the tickets, like he's betting against it working out.

Universalsnail · 23/10/2023 16:17

Not over reacting that was incredibly thoughtless of him.

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 16:53

Thank you @CarterBeatsTheDevil @Imtootiredtothinkofausername and everyone else who backed me up, I really appreciate it. And sorry for all of your losses. It's such a hard thing, and impacts everyone differently.

trampoline123 · 23/10/2023 17:04

I get why you're being sensitive but I think you've taken that wrong.

Tryingandfailingagain · 23/10/2023 17:17

Your husband is pregnant? Well it’s not completely unheard of to fly right after birth, wouldn’t fancy it myself though.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/10/2023 17:33

Tryingandfailingagain · 23/10/2023 17:17

Your husband is pregnant? Well it’s not completely unheard of to fly right after birth, wouldn’t fancy it myself though.

🙄

Give the OP a break will you? Enough people have pulled her up on 'we're pregnant' at this stage.

Hmmm33 · 23/10/2023 19:36

OP, I think I would be thinking the same way a your DH after losses. It's a protective mechanism to not get hopes up so much that it destroys you if it doesn't work out. It's how my brain would cope with the worry.

Obviously if that's not how you process things then it's going to be hurtful to come across that attitude. To be honest though I'd approach this with a proper conversation about loss with your DH as opposed to anger.

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 19:47

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 23/10/2023 09:25

Your hormones are all over the place at the moment so try not to think he means the worse. He's probably wishing for a health baby that arrives at 38 weeks and that your then be happy for him to fo away as your be fine with a sleeping baby who is in a Brilliant routine, realistically your wonderful baby will be late and your hormones will be like every other new mum crazy and you won't want him to go. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Wtf. Don't blame the hormones

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 19:48

Hmmm33 · 23/10/2023 19:36

OP, I think I would be thinking the same way a your DH after losses. It's a protective mechanism to not get hopes up so much that it destroys you if it doesn't work out. It's how my brain would cope with the worry.

Obviously if that's not how you process things then it's going to be hurtful to come across that attitude. To be honest though I'd approach this with a proper conversation about loss with your DH as opposed to anger.

Interesting. I guess that kind of makes sense. Though he probably should have kept his mouth shut and just booked it.

TodayForTomorrow · 23/10/2023 20:02

As someone who had two miscarriages myself, I do understand the mindset of not putting your life on hold before there is a concrete chance of a baby. By my third pregnancy, my personal way of coping was basically to try and ignore ignore ignore until the 12 week scan. We told nobody, and apart from not drinking, I changed nothing about my life. I worked entirely on the assumption that I would miscarry. Only when we were past that point did I allow myself to 'be pregnant'.

It's a bit sweeping to assume that everyone deals with miscarriage in the same way, and I am not a bad person for wanting to protect myself in this way.

Diamondcurtains · 23/10/2023 20:04

BrutusMcDogface · 23/10/2023 09:22

You aren’t both pregnant, it’s just you.

also, he’s an arse to be honest. My dp went on a stag do when our second was a few days old but it was in the uk, he only went for one night, and he also waited until the last minute when all was ok, to book.

This! What is this new thing of “we’re” pregnant! 🙄

Sofaz34 · 23/10/2023 20:07

Yea that's a gross reaction, not just because of the baby, but also because he's obviously desperate to go on the stag do and that just makes me think he loves the stag do vibes including everything that comes with it. He's going to lose money on the flights if your pregnancy does progress which I hope it does.

1983Louise · 23/10/2023 20:10

He's a bloke, they say stupid things 🙄

Catopia · 23/10/2023 20:14

Spinet · 23/10/2023 09:47

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that he was so upset by the last miscarriage that he is assuming the worst this time to protect himself. He was clumsy and I understand why you're really hurt. You need to tell him so, but I wouldn't assume he's just a heartless dick until you've talked about it a bit more. Good luck with the pregnancy.

I agree with this - it could have been a way of managing his own anxieties and expectations which came out rather unfortunately. I don't think he's necessarily a complete tool... I think sometimes some men also just struggle to conceptualize the whole thing and the timeframes for things and its not necessarily all real for them that their life will change until there's a tiny screaming human that they have to look after.

Maybe mollify him and say you're sorry that he's likely not able to go, but suggest he takes the day off and they have a boys night when the groom goes to buy his suit or something.

GoBackToSleepNowMyDarling · 23/10/2023 21:16

I'm so surprised to see such a backlash against the phrase "We're pregnant"! Yeah I know that it's not literally possible for two people to be pregnant with the same baby - but language isn't always literal, is it?

I understand the argument that it demeans the effort and suffering that women go through during pregnancy, but I don't agree that it's necessarily demeaning in all instances. It could be if the partner kept saying, "I'm pregnant too" or kept equating their experience to that of a pregnant woman's. Or if someone outside of the relationship did those things. But if a woman describes the couple as pregnant, and doesn't mean it literally (like a less formal version of "we're expecting a baby"), in what way is she demeaning herself? Or others?

I found it comforting to say "we're pregnant ". It made me feel like I wasn't going through it alone, but as a team. I felt quite terrified of it all at times.

How much of this is about keeping distinct genders....? Is this tied up with outage against phrases like "pregnant person"?