Page 5 | AIBU to be annoyed about stag do incase of miscarriage

Tsmummy23 · 2023-10-23T08:07:10+00:00

AIBU - my husband and I have just found out we’re pregnant and the due date is 4 days before a stag do he is meant to attend Abroad (nothing is booked yet) however he mentioned He might book the flights just in case, I took this immediately as he might book the flights on the chance that if we miscarry then he can still go! (We miscarried 3 months ago) This really upset me that he would want to book flights just in case he can then go! surely I’m not over-reacting?

OldPerson · 23/10/2023 23:43

Your husband is being completely unreasonable. You've just lost a baby? Didn't you both lose a child? How are you both dealing with it? You've just had the excitement of another chance? How are you both dealing with it? The fact that he's planning parties, while you're left in a state of anxiety, does not bode well. You should both be coming together to hold your hand through every step of the next 9 months. If it was a normal "expecting everything to go well" pregnancy, I'd say, nope, still an a-hole for putting drunken stag night above wanting to be with his first child. Is this his way of reacting to grief? Still an immature A-hole. Are you sure you want to start a family with him? Because it doesn't seem to be at the top of his list of priorities. And trust me, when a child comes along - you both have to put the child first for so many needs and reasons. And be able to communicate and act as a team.

Mamai90 · 24/10/2023 02:20

BrutusMcDogface · 23/10/2023 09:22

You aren’t both pregnant, it’s just you.

also, he’s an arse to be honest. My dp went on a stag do when our second was a few days old but it was in the uk, he only went for one night, and he also waited until the last minute when all was ok, to book.

Tbf I'd say your DP was being an arse too. Off on a over night stag do when your baby is just days old?

Even if I encouraged my DH to go he'd look at me as though I was nuts!

Mamai90 · 24/10/2023 02:25

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:54

@bathrobeandpie I said I didn't think of it in the long-term, not that I didn't think of it as a baby. I was absolutely devastated when I lost my baby. Bereft. But it taught me that early pregnancy is a fragile thing, and meant that I didn't personally feel comfortable making long term plans until the 12 week scan. It is probably a trauma reaction. And what I'm suggesting is that perhaps OP's DP has had a similar reaction and spoke out unthinkingly.

But thanks for telling me that I'm cold and detached.

Don't take it personally.

I'm similar to you and I don't consider myself to be cold or detached. Some women might be like that in the early stages due to previous trauma so @bathrobeandpie can take her judgey pants elsewhere.

babetyouknow · 24/10/2023 10:41

GoBackToSleepNowMyDarling · 23/10/2023 21:16

I'm so surprised to see such a backlash against the phrase "We're pregnant"! Yeah I know that it's not literally possible for two people to be pregnant with the same baby - but language isn't always literal, is it?

I understand the argument that it demeans the effort and suffering that women go through during pregnancy, but I don't agree that it's necessarily demeaning in all instances. It could be if the partner kept saying, "I'm pregnant too" or kept equating their experience to that of a pregnant woman's. Or if someone outside of the relationship did those things. But if a woman describes the couple as pregnant, and doesn't mean it literally (like a less formal version of "we're expecting a baby"), in what way is she demeaning herself? Or others?

I found it comforting to say "we're pregnant ". It made me feel like I wasn't going through it alone, but as a team. I felt quite terrified of it all at times.

How much of this is about keeping distinct genders....? Is this tied up with outage against phrases like "pregnant person"?

Pregnancy is literal, and he is literally not pregnant. It's intensely irritating when people say "we're pregnant". There's no we in a process that can only be singular.

It's not about "keeping distinct genders"..its sex not gender and they are distinct no matter what anyone thinks or says. Women can be pregnant, men cannot. Fact.

GoBackToSleepNowMyDarling · 24/10/2023 12:04

I agree that sex and gender are different. I also agree that men cannot be pregnant (unless you're talking about a trans man, but we're not here). I don't really think these issues are relevant because none is seriously implying that the man is biologically pregnant himself.

"Pregnancy" is a noun just like any other, grammatically. Words are either used in a literal way, or otherwise. It's not the case that some words in the dictionary can be used figuratively and others just can't. Surely? Besides, you can have a pregnant pause, can't you - that's not a literal use of the word.

Do you feel that pregnancy is really important and so absolutely shouldn't be talked of in a less than literal way? Is that why it's irritating?

I can see how pregnancy is an important topic for women's rights etc., and maybe people could argue that saying "we're pregnant" is a slippery slope to.... something, I'm not sure what? I'd be interested to see what people are concerned about (genuinely curious).

But everyone seems a bit stuck on whether men can literally be pregnant, which is a bit of a moot point isn't it? ... unless there are axes to grind about trans men and that's what this is really about.

babetyouknow · 24/10/2023 12:11

Transmen are women. They can be pregnant because they are not men. They are women.
But we're not talking about that, you're the only one mentioning it.

Pregnant can be literal; when talking about the process of creating an offspring. It can be figurative, when talking about a pregnant pause, as you say.

It cannot be both at the same time. Men cannot be figuratively pregnant while women are actually literally pregnant, that is not how language, or pregnancy, works.

Not sure why you're so fixated on this. Say "we are pregnant" all you like, enjoy all the eye rolling.

GoBackToSleepNowMyDarling · 24/10/2023 14:18

I'm interested is all. At least 5 people pulled the OP up on it so I thought maybe there was some underlying issue that made people care enough to mention it. It seemed more than just a grammar check. One person even said something about how only she had the miscarriage and not her other half - seems a bit unnecessarily cruel if that's only about grammar and nothing ethical or political?

Thankfully nobody rolled their eyes at me when I ever said "we are pregnant". Honestly, I've never come across any objection to it, which is what piqued my interest.

I disagree about how language is used, I think. There's a lot to be said for the whole meaning is in use theory of language (like Wittgenstein) - but that is just one theory.

Anyway I won't derail this thread any more if I'm the only one curious about it (good luck to you, OP).

babetyouknow · 24/10/2023 14:20

GoBackToSleepNowMyDarling · 24/10/2023 14:18

I'm interested is all. At least 5 people pulled the OP up on it so I thought maybe there was some underlying issue that made people care enough to mention it. It seemed more than just a grammar check. One person even said something about how only she had the miscarriage and not her other half - seems a bit unnecessarily cruel if that's only about grammar and nothing ethical or political?

Thankfully nobody rolled their eyes at me when I ever said "we are pregnant". Honestly, I've never come across any objection to it, which is what piqued my interest.

I disagree about how language is used, I think. There's a lot to be said for the whole meaning is in use theory of language (like Wittgenstein) - but that is just one theory.

Anyway I won't derail this thread any more if I'm the only one curious about it (good luck to you, OP).

It's not about grammar at all (what do you even think grammar is, to say that?). It's about reality. You get pulled up when you say things that are categorically wrong.

I don't think you have a clue about Wittgenstein either, and you don't get to disagree about how language is used.

GoBackToSleepNowMyDarling · 24/10/2023 14:28

I don't know a lot about Wittgenstein, just had the general idea that the meaning of language is determined by how we use it.

I think maybe I've touched a nerve here. Never mind, let's just agree to disagree.

babetyouknow · 24/10/2023 14:30

No, we do not agree to disagree. Facts are facts, we will not agree to disagree on those .

The meaning of language IS determined by how we use it, in conjunction with actual reality. Yellow can never mean blue, no matter how confused you may be, and men are NEVER pregnant. Ever.

This is not difficult to understand,

billy1966 · 24/10/2023 14:32

I hope this isn't a sign of things to come, because he sounds like an awful twat either way.

Whether 4 days after the birth or hedging his bets, he sounds immature and insensitive.

I hope everything goes well for you.

Keep family and friends close.

porridgeisbae · 24/10/2023 21:02

Men cannot be figuratively pregnant while women are actually literally pregnant, that is not how language, or pregnancy, works.

We all know what OP meant so quibbling about a figure of speech is lame when she has a concern she was talking about which is an emotionally intense one.

Yes the female partner can be literally pregnant, and the male partner figuratively pregnant, as they were both in the process of expecting to have a child together- one physically and anticipatorily, and the other just anticipatorily.

It's not rocket science and we all know what it means when someone/a couple say that.