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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed about stag do incase of miscarriage

112 replies

Tsmummy23 · 23/10/2023 09:07

AIBU - my husband and I have just found out we’re pregnant and the due date is 4 days before a stag do he is meant to attend Abroad (nothing is booked yet)
however he mentioned He might book the flights just in case, I took this immediately as he might book the flights on the chance that if we miscarry then he can still go! (We miscarried 3 months ago) This really upset me that he would want to book flights just in case he can then go!
surely I’m not over-reacting?

OP posts:

Mangotango39 · 23/10/2023 09:51

Cheeky mare - it would be no way from me!

ZiriForEver · 23/10/2023 09:52

I agree with your reading.
Maybe he found the recent miscarriage hard and is trying to protect against a potential repetition by distancing himself a bit? And being hugely insensitive while doing so?

Conkersinautumn · 23/10/2023 09:52

After my miscarriage(s) I dis find it very difficult to think positively about dates/ plans. Its not unusual for the mind to be cautious, trying to save yourself from hope to high sort of pain. Of course, it doesn't really work but I do understand the mentality.

It was difficult that he's said that out loud, but it's a glimpse into his fears, I know miscarriage is very distressing to go through, but it also impacts on the partner. A quiet chat that you feel you need him to be positive and optimistic right now and maybe an honest talk about the fears you share might help. Best wishes OP.

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:54

@bathrobeandpie I said I didn't think of it in the long-term, not that I didn't think of it as a baby. I was absolutely devastated when I lost my baby. Bereft. But it taught me that early pregnancy is a fragile thing, and meant that I didn't personally feel comfortable making long term plans until the 12 week scan. It is probably a trauma reaction. And what I'm suggesting is that perhaps OP's DP has had a similar reaction and spoke out unthinkingly.

But thanks for telling me that I'm cold and detached.

windemupwatchemgo · 23/10/2023 10:05

I wouldn't overthink it. Everyone says things that can be misinterpreted or which are just plain stupid and thoughtless. It's mostly best to let it go.

Btw, "we" are not pregnant. You are pregnant, OP. Your husband is not pregnant.

I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly.

ToniTTtopaz · 23/10/2023 10:07

Very insensitive. Stag do should have been off the cards upon finding out you were pregnant.

If anything happened later down the line and he could of booked on last minute to join, not a problem.

He hasn't gone about this in a very good way.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2023 10:07

peachgreen · 23/10/2023 09:43

Hmm. It was definitely insensitive to say it to you, but I have to say, as someone who has also miscarried, I would probably be thinking the same way. I would never consider a pregnancy as a long-term thing until I'd got past 12 weeks. So he might be similar, and his practical brain just kicked in without him really thinking before he spoke.

I think there's a significant difference between not letting yourself hope, believe ot make plans for the baby until you're past a certain point, and actively making plans that are only viable if you miscarry.
I wouldn't buy a cot at 4 weeks, I wouldn't book in for bottomless cocktails at 12 weeks just in case.

NOTANUM · 23/10/2023 10:11

I remember my DH wanting us to sign up to a rowing weekend two weeks after the baby was due. I explained this was insanity and he said “are we going to be that family where everything rotates around the baby?”. We agreed to leave it until baby was born and see how we felt.

Of course there was no hope we were going on a rowing weekend with a small baby! But men don’t always see how clearly life will change after a baby arrives.

He has been a fab dad so the madness hasn’t persisted 😄 I hope the pregnancy goes well.

Callmemummynotmaaa · 23/10/2023 10:11

OP, sharing another perspective…but after multiple experiences of baby loss, I personally found it really difficult to “think positively” about a pregnancy. Generally in the early weeks (and if I’m being realistic, until after 24, which marks a stage post which I’ve had my latest loss) I tend to plan life as if I wasn’t pregnant/having a baby. It didn’t mean I didn’t have hope (I’m currently pregnant and there’s nothing I want more than a healthy baby)…but I was fed up of turning down things/missing out on experiences I’d have enjoyed - that made me feel sadder to not be a part of. It was part of my way of coping with what I’d loved through.

And honestly I found it really difficult when my partner wanted to plan for a baby, that I desperately hoped would happen, but struggled to “believe in”. I’m sure I’m explaining myself really poorly, but I never would have meant bad wishes/bad luck on anything or anyone. It was more that on a personal level, the expectation to have optimism felt naive/dismissive of what I’d lived through.

It’s possibly one of the biggest things I’ve had to negotiate in my relationship as both my partner and I process differently and need different things. Can you sit down and talk with him about it? He’s going to need to support you a lot in the next few weeks.

CasaAmarela · 23/10/2023 10:13

TheUsualChaos · 23/10/2023 09:17

He's booking because he's hedging his bets either way. If you miscarry then he thinks he can go. If you have the baby, and fingers crossed for you btw, he will be saying well the flights are all booked now, I can't back out now etc, etc. You to talk to him and ask why he thinks this is ok?

(Also, sorry but it's "I'm pregnant' not "we're" 🫣)

This. All of it.

NOTANUM · 23/10/2023 10:14

Sorry my post about a rowing weekend may have been insensitive given the baby loss angle. I was coming at it from the perspective that maybe he thought he could still go when the baby is imminent or has just arrived.

PaperLanterns · 23/10/2023 10:15

This is probably the first life lesson he’s going to learn about having a baby that you can’t just float off when you feel like it.

I don’t think anyone really knows what it’s like until you’re in it. Just tell him he can’t book the flights and if the worst happens, he can make a judgement then.

Soontobe60 · 23/10/2023 10:15

First of all, only 1 of you is pregnant, and only 1 of you had a miscarriage.
Second, your DH is a twat if he's considering going on a stag do 4 days before your due date. You could already have given birth, or be in labour, or be overdue and need help managing at home.
Tell him to put the thought of this trip well and truly out of his head. Even if you did sadly lose this baby, surely you’d want him with you around your due date anyway?

ActDottie · 23/10/2023 10:25

I wouldn’t have assumed it was because of miscarriage, I think more because due dates aren’t set in stone. Baby May come earlier or later, but either way I still don’t think it’s right that he’d go on stag do when you’ve both got a new born.

ActDottie · 23/10/2023 10:26

PaperLanterns · 23/10/2023 10:15

This is probably the first life lesson he’s going to learn about having a baby that you can’t just float off when you feel like it.

I don’t think anyone really knows what it’s like until you’re in it. Just tell him he can’t book the flights and if the worst happens, he can make a judgement then.

Also agree with this, maybe let him book it for now and nearer the time when it feels more real for him he’ll cancel.

This is assuming your first time parents? I think it’s hard to work out what is reasonable and what’s not reasonable sometimes as you can naively assume life goes on as normal.

Ilikeyourdecor · 23/10/2023 10:28

I miscarried and when I got pregnant again tbh everything we did was done "just in case" until the 20 week scan. Neither of us could believe it would work out until then. I don't think either of you is unreasonable in your feelings.

diddl · 23/10/2023 10:29

Oh Op what a horrible situation.

Hopefully he meant that you have an easy birth.

That said-why would he want to go away so soon even so?

It's hard to think that in this day & age men can be so clueless.

Wishing you all the best.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 23/10/2023 10:29

StaySpicy · 23/10/2023 09:13

I would say he meant in case the baby has arrived by then. I'm sure he's not wishing any harm and I'm sure your don't really believe that. You're just in that mc grief/pregnant and now scared of a recurrence bit. It's scary but try to focus on the positive.

i'm sorry about your miscarriage - it sucks, doesn't it? Wishing you a sticky bean.

So he would go right after his wife has given birth?
and leave her and his newborn child for a stag do?

not great either, imo.

CrazyHamsterLady · 23/10/2023 10:33

YABU to think that, have you even asked him? He’s definitely unreasonable to book it 4 days before your due date though, baby might be early. He should have declined and sound like an irresponsible prick.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 23/10/2023 10:35

BigPussyEnergy · 23/10/2023 09:31

Please don’t dismiss women’s valid feelings as being due to “hormones being all over the place. “. It’s that kind of (internalised?) misogyny that men use to invalidate very real concerns we may have.

OP it was insensitive and thoughtless of him either way. Either he’s thinking you’ll miscarry and then he’ll be annoyed he didn’t book it, or he’s hoping once it’s booked you won’t feel able to ask him not to go with a newborn baby either here already or just around the corner.

Yes it’s annoying for him to miss his mate’s stag do for a child who he doesn’t even know yet, but if he’s on board with you getting pregnant he needs to understand what that means in reality. He sounds a bit selfish to me.

Show quote history

It's not dismissing if it's true and her hormones will be all over the place. Her concerns are very valid but that doesn't mean he meant it from a negative place, insensitive 100% and selfish I agree but she needs to talk to him or this will eat her up

Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 10:35

How far along are you?

If you’re only a couple of weeks pregnant then there is every chance you could miscarry but if not then he may be booking it because you may be overdue or after you’ve given birth.

I think it’s a bit silly to put your life on hold just in case something happens.

It sounds like it’s something he needs to book now but can pull out later on, which in that case him booking it now would be the best solution.

I think you are being sensitive because you are worried about a miscarriage, which is understandable but you do have to carry on with your life.
If your pregnancy gets to full term then you are not going to be able to do as much once you’ve had a baby, so make the most of it now!

Good luck with the pregnancy.

WandaWonder · 23/10/2023 10:35

Would it be simpler to just ask?

Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 10:36

Ilikeyourdecor · 23/10/2023 10:28

I agree with this.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/10/2023 10:37

He’s an insensitive twat. Tell him so.

beatrix1234 · 23/10/2023 11:21

The right thing to do, meaning: what a “decent person” would do is cancel that trip. If you miscarry (I hope not - crosses fingers-) and after a couple of months you feel much better (miscarriages can do a number on you hormonal wise, don’t get me started with the emotional aspect of it) then he’s free to go. He sounds like a tw-at. I mean… you’re going through all this ordeal to have HIS child and all he can think is stag do’s? What age is this ‘man’?

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