AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

If she was a single parent- as she wants to act as though she is, totally separate, not sharing meals etc- then yes that’s exactly the position she would be in.

As a single parent, there is no partner to fund your maternity/SAHP, if you’re a single mother then often ALL childcare with the exception of weekends is your responsibility (depending on custody arrangement obviously), and you’d also be paying everything for the children the days you have them, with the only contribution from their father being his CMS payment.

Hence why I am saying, OP has to tread carefully. Because she either wants to be totally separate or she doesn’t, and if he decides to get on board with being separated fully then actually she is going to be left very vulnerable.

The law is often unfair to unmarried women when they separate from a higher earning partner.

In this case, legally her ex has no obligation to either fund her or pay for her share of the bills. If she’s counting on him paying half (or more) of the childcare in a month when she goes back to work, I suspect she’s in for a nasty shock, too.

Unless he is a very high earner, she’ll get her share of the house (and she may have to pay to force a sale) and a couple of hundred a month child support that won’t touch the sides of the childcare let alone anything else the children need.

It doesn’t work that way. Op is legally single as she’s unmarried.
She doesn’t have any legal obligations to financially support him or him to her.
His only legal obligations are to his children.
She is an adult responsible for supporting herself, buying her own food etc.
She is entirely reliant on his goodwill to feed her etc.
Its all well and good saying do this and that but until Op has income again she’s extremely vulnerable and reliant on his charity or benefits/food bank.

Did you initiate the separation as it sounds like he's refusing to accept the issue. My first though is doesn't he realise that ex doesn't mean the same as current.

Good point, the UK is (IMO) very unfair to those that are the primary carers.

the costs are divided differently where I live (legally) so it seems incredibly unfair to me 🤷‍♀️

Oh by the way you can claim UC as long as the breakdown can be proved, this will include things like separate food storage, including your own shelves in the fridge. You also need separate living areas and bedrooms so no clothes in each other's rooms and if there's an ensuite only one can use it. Different toothpaste in the bathroom etc

Yes I agree it can be incredibly unfair, especially when you aren’t married, at least marriage offers some protection. As other posters have said, currently the only people he has any legal obligation to support is the children. So as long as he pays a CMS amount, he’s technically done his bit! X

I tell you what OP @Calipso32 that's the last time I would be putting any prepped meals in the freezer for the foreseeable, even if it makes my life more difficult. What an utter arsehole he is.

YANBU

Have you discussed how you will share childcare when you return to work?

If you are in a union Op you might be able to access some legal assistance via them. If you have a professional membership some have benevolent funds and assistance for members in hard times.
Is it worth an informal chat to manager to see if earlier return is possible or any measures to expedite your first pay. You may be in a situation where nursery bill due and no pay for 6 weeks if missed payroll etc.

How would marriage help her right now in this situation?

Marriage doesn't provide some magical protection during the separation transition period.

There has been many, many threads on here from married women whose husbands make the break up as difficult as possible, who clean out the accounts etc.

Later on the courts can force fairness if the husband isn't willing to be fair off his own back, but marriage doesn't offer any real protection during the transition period!

This is a shit situation to be in, however I think it's one where you pick your battles carefully.
Privacy -100% move everything to his room.
Food- I would probably continue making for a peaceful life if I'm honest. Not because he deserves it but because he can use this against you over things like money etc.
The less tit for tat you can keep it the better for you. If your on zero pay you need his money currently. You need to keep your savings to yourself so I would keep doing the little things to keep the peace as such until you can get out. X

He can eat it, he just has to cook it himself.

The very notion that she didn't think twice about it! FFS.

Maybe you should charge for the childcare as you are two separate households, then you can give that back as “paying your way”.
What an awful situation to be in though.

@User1789 FYI.. I certainly did bring up marriage many times over the course of our relationship. The choice to remain unmarried was his, in fact it was insinuated each time, that I was out to get his money. Charming, isn't he?

I intended to wait until my return to work to separate, however he did his usual trick one morning of threatening to end our relationship to get me to shut up about something so I called his bluff and out it all came.

I don't regret my children for a second.

You need to speak to a solicitor about this.

Unfortunately it is going to end up with him stealing your money every month, since whatever CSA forces him to pay won't touch the sides of the childcare bill.

He sounds like a real prince.

I agree marriage doesn’t provide a magical wand but it would put pressure on him to do the right thing as he’s aware their financial settlement will need to be agreed. If married Op could argue for bigger share of equity in house, for a share of his pension etc. It’s in his financial interests to keep her sweet. Obviously some don’t see it that way.
Op is vulnerable here, so while it’s tempting to want to take a stand it’s a precarious position she is in. If he says I’m not buying you food, sanitary towels, warm coat for winter she’s entirely at his mercy if she hasn’t got income or savings.

I’ll go against the grain here.

You are entitled to him meeting all your costs at the moment. You have taken a big hit with maternity pay and the impact on your career and pension. - a court took this into account for me.
My ex got a tiny amount of contact and was also hit with 50% of all nursery fees and then paying me CMS on top.

if he is buying the food - he can eat it though. Your only way around this is to take the extra and bung it in your own freezer or a freezer at a friends house.

that’s it really.

Personally I would file for your money sooner rather than later and also maintainence etc

You were married though? There’s no mechanism for that as Op isn’t.

It sounds like you are well rid Op. Head down ride it out until you get paid and life will be easier.

Then perhaps he should stop blocking her access to her own money? He can't have it both ways, crying about paying for everything AND refusing to buy out her share of the house.

So you did choose to have multiple children and buy a house with with an arsehole?

As people have said you have left yourself in the very vulnerable position and would do well to keep your head down while you get your ducks in a row.

And while you haven’t said, I bet you were married to the ex.

As an unmarried partner, the OP gets the CMS assessed amount of child support and either 1/2 or a previously agreed (and documented in writing!) share of all joint assets, which in this case appears to be the equity in the house.

She has no entitlement to financial support from him even though she took an impact on her career to birth and raise his children - not one penny over the CMS amount.

There will be no maintenance (again, unmarried) and no order to pay nursery fees (no divorce where that can be assessed as a ‘fair’ contribution).

Basically, like a lot of unmarried women who leave higher earning partners, the OP is entitled to almost nothing and by the sound of it, that’s what the ex intends to give her.

YABU thought to expect him to finance you in mat leave now though, he is right that you need to pay your share as you’re now separated.

Rubbish.

It's his child who is benefitting from the maternity leave as per a previous agreement and the responsibility for the child is joint so IMO this should be honoured and he's a massive twerp if he doesn't.

Someone will be along if they haven't already to say you should be seeing whether your position would be better in this phase by separating finances, claiming whatever benefits you are entitled to as a single parent, and starting a child maintenance claim against him.

You may then decide that negotiating with him is better for you financially until you are off maternity leave and/or the households are split properly, or the opposite.

If not, then you can present the facts and he might realise he'd be better off continuing to operate fair joint finances for a period, and paying adequate child maintenance voluntarily on an ongoing basis.
He probably won't because he's a massive twerp, in which case he may well cut his nose off to spite his face just to spite you. Or if he can't add up. Anyway, knowledge (yours) is power (also yours).

No he obviously shouldn't be in your room or storing his clothes in your room, you can move them. There's no crime there, whatever he might say. It's your home, you're allowed to touch and move his items so long as you don't cause deliberate damage.

This, ladies, is why it's a good idea to get married if you are planning to have a child (preferably), or already have had a child with your partner. But we understand that there are lots of complications in real life so sometimes this isn't possible or just hasn't happened. Mea culpa.

He’s not obligated to buy her out though. She could offer to buy him out?
It sounds like they have a jointly owned house. He can say I’m settled here I don’t want to sell.
If she wants to sell then she’ll need money for legal costs to force sale (won’t be cheap)
Obviously she’s hoping he’ll see sense and agree sale and she’ll not need to spend thousands on legal costs but if he’s not wanting to sell then she’ll need to.
Another reason to seek legal advice is if it’s currently jointly owned as joint tenants he will inherit if you die whereas I assume you’d want children to inherit. If you have him nominated as recipient for your pension or death in service via work change that.